Happy Angelversary

Dear Brian,

It's been one year since the day that changed all the rest of my days. 

I live each day in a sort of suspended animation mode:  I go through the motions, but expect that at any moment you'll come through the door and surprise me.  In my mind, I know that's not possible, by my heart still believes. 

It's still "Brian's room, Brian's bathroom, Brian's garage" and I don't suppose that will ever change.  I'm sure that some people would say that I need to move on, change things up, or something like that.  But your guitars hang right there, your wallet and pocket knife are in the top drawer as if you're just gone on a trip.  There may come a day ... and maybe not, and Tanya will have to deal with whatever is still here. 

I've pondered over and over the why's and what if's.  I know I can't change it.  But it hurts like hell to think that I couldn't have done something differently, said something.  If only ....

I always thought that I was a strong person, always believed there was a "circle of life" and that everything dies at some point.  But to lose you, my son, has been the single hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.  What makes it seem worse is that it doesn't go away, and you don't just "get over it".  I carry this with me every single day.

I know that I'm just passing time now, going through the motions without the same purpose.  I always had the goal in mind of making sure that I get things set up in such a way that you'd be taken care of after I was gone.  Now it doesn't have the same meaning for me. 

Probably the hardest thing to bear in all of this is that I never get to talk about you with anyone else.  Grandma has her own challenges at the moment; T has her own life and is living it.  So that's why I have this blog -- a place to write to you, to let all the feelings come out when they need to, a place where I can say things that no one else wants to hear.  It's also why I created that memorial .... so that I could post every single photo I ever took of you, tell all your little stories.

Because your life mattered.
And you should NEVER be forgotten.

Happy Angelversary!

I love you. Always.
mom

Milestones

As we get older, it feels as if the "milestones" we looked forward to are fewer and further between!  Turning 5, 10, 21.  Elementary school, Jr High, High School, College.  Marriage.  Kids.  Well, you get the picture!

Today, for me, is another measurable milestone.  It speaks of my ability to endure stupidity on many levels, my ability to be "grace under pressure", to work harder and faster each day - never getting enough done - only to go back and repeat the next day.  Yes, it's a work anniversary.  17 years with my BigBox Store!  *whew*

What started out as a part time overnight just-for-the-summer job to earn money to pay back and debt to the IRS ($800), has turned into a career.  Sort of.  I've climbed the "hourly ladder" as high as it can go, and have turned down every attempt to get me to join management.  And after this long, I'm certain that's been a wise decision on my part.   I enjoy the actual facets of my job; I just dislike the management portion that gets shoved my way.  I like the people I work with ... in the casual "hey, how's it going" kind of thing.  But when it comes down to the nitty gritty, they're all so young and seem to have a "momma will clean up after me" attitude.   I'm betting they still live at home!  ha!

So here's to another few years until the next big milestone:  Retirement!!

3268 Days ... And Counting!!

Passage of Time

A red letter day here at Gal's place:  Today was my anniversary at work -- 11 years now.  Where has the time gone??  And how did I spend my day, you might wonder?  I spent 2 hours of today helping maintain the bolts of fabric.  I liked Fabrics and Crafts a lot.  There is nothing like being able to touch all the different textures of fabric, the beautiful prints, the array of different colors (I'm a very tactile person!!).  I did that for five short years.  Funny how the body remembers the moves needed to "diaper fold" a bolt of fabric, slip on a rubber band and shelve it in its proper location.  It's been more than four years since I did that, but some of the color names were still the same.  Sometimes there's no need for change, and I find comfort in knowing that. :) 

Because every bolt of fabric has a rubber band on it to keep it from flopping around and getting frayed or dirty, the best location to keep a few spares is on your left wrist!  As I was driving home from work, I noticed I still had a "bracelet" on my arm.  *giggles*  ahhh, just like the old days !!

Happy Anniversary to me!