Car Maintenance

One of the things I don't like doing is car maintenance.  It was easy to just drop it off at the dealer, right down the street from work. They would drop me off at work, then pick me up at the end of the work day, and Ta-Da, car repair(s) were done!  Sadly, they moved 20 miles across town. 

It was convenient to get minor work done at work in the ACC dept: oil change, tires, wiper blades.  But I don't work any more.  

So I started using Firestone, its close to me and they're open weekends.  The one thing I forgot to do during my last oil change was have the wiper blades changed.  With the summer sun and heat, I usually do it every year.

So my to-do task today was getting my wiper blades changed.  Hooray for #Autozone !  They had them in stock and changed them for me.  I appreciate it!!

The last time I changed my own wiper blades was waaaay back when you only changed the piece of rubber, sliding it into the little track.  Yes, I'm that old!!

Finally Friday

Isn't it interesting.  We arrive at mom's and the TV is loud (normal for her). She hasn't seen her great grandson MrZ for 2 weeks, she says HI then scoots to her room to do her exercises.  Its 330pm and you haven't done them today yet?????

I looked at her chair.  I clearly heard her DPT tell her to put the heating pad on her lower back. But nope. She's got it on her thigh to her knee.  

She doesn't want to get better? Or maybe she wants this to continue so someone is here every day?  Or someone to feel sorry for her?  I can't decide if its one or the other or a little of both??

I'm not sure its up to me to figure out what she's thinking.  But I've been good about stepping back, stepping away a bit more.  Because I need to take care of me.

Another photo from Weds, I think they call this a Chaste Tree.

Happy Summertime!

Taking photos is my hobby, but there wasn't much time to indulge for the past six months.  I'm trying to correct that!

Today's walk at McQueen Park, just on the edge of the pond, these four were standing on the edge. I got the impression they were having a discussion that goes something like this: "Hey guys, here we go, should we jump in or not jump in?"  

As an added bonus, they were mowing the lawn.  There's nothing better than the scent of fresh mown grass on a summer day. It brings to mind running through sprinklers, slurping on Popsicles, giggles shared with friends!

Looking Back

Every now and then, I'll read back over my old blogs.  Let's face it, my blog isn't a certain niche like DIY or cooking or kids.  It's just me and whatever comes to mind, more like a journal or a collection of oddball thoughts or dreams.

But today as I was reading some from  2008 and 2013, it seemed I was a much happier person. Or maybe I was just able to see more humor in things.

And just maybe it was the simple fact that I was taking care of me more than I was taking care of ... others.

Sometimes we do things because its expected, or put off doing things for ourselves until this *one thing* is done. For example, raising kids you get through the Little League years, or they graduate high school.  While that works when we are young, its something I need to change my thinking on.  

I can't just tell myself that I'll take care of mom then it will be my turn.  Because while she's 87, her father lived to be 104.  If I take care of her for that long, I will be in the same boat she is, and someone will need to take care of me.

It's important to set our priorities, and one of those should be self care. I've just spent the past weekend doing things around my house that I put off because I was caring for mom and MrZ.  And it feels so good!  

It won't last, but I take what I can get! 

SCAM Report

So I was going to take two days off and visit my daughter.  I'm usually very careful when I'm making online reservations.  But I got hooked into "guest reservations" instead.

Once they had my credit card I was billed immediately, even though this was three months in advance.  I knew right then this wasn't right.

Today, I tried calling to cancel my reservation (probably wont be able to get away because of mom) and found that the number they supplied was fake.  It was automated answered, but then hung up on me.

I tried calling the hotel directly with no such luck.  I can't blame them.

This is a warning: check your websites carefully when scheduling your travel!!  Or for the best bet, call rather than book online. 

GUEST RESERVATIONS IS A SCAM

I Needed Me Today

Sometimes, its laughable around here. Yesterday was Mom's physical therapy, and they worked her over so she could hardly walk afterward!

Today, I got a surprise call, a friend is coming over to visit!  But so much more than a friend, technically my son in law even though they live separately for now.  (Yeah, I dont ask either)  

We had a terrific visit, but then at 3, Mom sends a text.  At 3:20 she calls because I didnt answer her text. I think she was shocked to hear I had a visitor, and that I didn't tell her about it.  Do I have to tell her everything??

All in all, good day!

Don't Cheat

When we're young, full of vision and hope for our futures, we have an ideal of what our grown up life will look like, including that special someone.  We hope they share the same basic views, have some of the same wishes and dreams.  And that their level of what commitment means is the same as yours.

But when its not the same, and your spouse cheats, why do we tend to shift reasoning and blame to ourselves? 

I was reading and came across this:  You were not a fool, you made a commitment in good faith.  The person who asked you for that commitment is the one who lacked honor and integrity. They were not worthy of you, but that doesnt make you foolish and weak.  All you can do is move on.

We waste a lot of time on self blame, in trying to figure out what went wrong, and how to fix ourselves, when in truth, the only thing wrong was the other person.   In my case, the lying, cheating bastard. 

I did my best to move on. And I like to think that I succeeded.  But there is always a small part of me that makes me feel like I did something wrong.  And that wrong thinking caused problems in other relationships.

I've always said it's better to be honest.  If the relationship is not working, speak up and we can part ways without making a mess of things. 

Don't be a cliche and cheat. It creates hurt for everyone.

Personal Secrets

What would you consider a personal secret?  Things seem a whole lot different these days when compared to the past.   With social media and the internet, it seems there are probably fewer secrets than there were in "the old days".

My relatives immigrated here, changed their last names for reasons that didnt carry to future generations.  My great great grandmother traveled here from Sweden with four sons.  They lived with differing last names.  Did that mean they had different fathers? Or did they just choose those names when they arrived? I know some names changed because of language barriers or pronunciations.  So would the name(s) be part of their personal secrets?

We each live our lives, things happen to us that may not happen to someone else, even those close to us like siblings. Our reluctance to discuss those things could be considered personal secrets. 

Should we respect the rights of people to have personal secrets?  Should we have the expectation to keep our personal secrets to ourselves?  In the past, it seems moreso than it is now.  Maybe the internet has changed that concept, that we shouldn't be keeping secrets from each other.

I've long suspected that the reason my grandmother married at a young age to a man who was much older than her was because she was pregnant.  It was a quiet wedding at home, the whole family wasn't even there.  At the time, she had been a young maid at a hotel where I suspect he had been staying.  But those are my suppositions.  When I tried to get her to talk about things because I was interested in genealogy, she told me many times to "let sleeping dogs lie". 

Which made me think about my own personal secrets.  Are they that important? Would someone be frustrated in the future not knowing something about me?  I usually consider myself an open person, but there are a few things I've kept to myself.  Because personal secrets are just that. Personal.

Painting (Again)

It was a month or more ago when I dived into the project of painting my bedroom.  Stuff gets put on hold if I don't think I'll have more than 2-3 hours to get started and make it to a stopping point.

But after texting with Mom who says she's "doing ok", I opened that can of paint and started cutting in the corners and baseboards.   The hardest part is edging around the ceiling lights that are higher than the average 8 foot ceiling.  My neck gets tired of always looking up! And I have six of those pot lights and a ceiling fan to go around.  

It could be a long day!! But the reward will be worth it! 

Maybe Tomorrow

Sometimes it feels like life is never gonna give you a break.  A part of that falls under expectations-- when things become difficult, you assume there is an end point.  Looks like there won't be one for me.

Last Thursday was the last day of school.  I was thinking, Yay! My days of picking up MrZ have come to an end.  Yes, of course I will miss time with him! But I was so ready to have a break.

But a break never happens when it comes to Mom.  Friday morning text tells me that she's had diarrhea all week.  Except she went with me to Walmart on Weds??  Ah well, no matter.   

I'm not sure if its just her, or a generational thing, but when she gets flu-ish she stops eating and drinking - because that will make it better faster?? So I dropped my own "life stuff" to pick up some Pepto, pretzels and vitamin water and drop it off.  I made her take it right then, didn't leave until she had finished all the water.  She felt better this morning! Yay!

But then comes 3pm and she's got another episode of anxiety (sundowners?) so I head over. Again.  Can't sit still, paces the floor, tries to lay down, jumps up again to grab something to eat.  She's mopping her face with a damp rag, asking if its hot?  I lowered her AC by 2 degrees and now she's freezing cold?  

She has an anxiety med prescribed but she has always taken it at bedtime, and for some reason can't shift and take it when she gets over-anxious at 3.  But she tried it, and finally felt better.  

I've tried to calmly explain that she has two choices: be swamped with the anxiety or take the meds.  The next med up is going to be Valium or Xanax. 

There's this whole "Let them" buzzing around and while that might work with folks who can still ... function, its rather difficult when they seem to be on the cusp of something bigger than they can handle.

So I guess I will just keep wishing for the break that never arrives.  My continual mantra is "Maybe tomorrow".

Then & Then

I've spent the last week organizing my photos - old albums, different homes, kids growing up, family changes.  All of those things from my 60+ years.

I wanted them to be organized, ready to pass them on to my daughter at some point.  I also stuck all the duplicate photos in albums to give to my great granddaughter.

But the hardest photos to look at were also the best photos to look at: photos of my son, Brian. I spend a lot of time wondering if I had done something different, if just one thing were different enough, to change the course of his life.  I won't ever know the answer to that question.  I still miss him every day.

Then and then: 1990 ~ 2002

Girl Scouts & Survivor

In 2004, as a Girl Scout leader, we planned an overnight event to celebrate the end of the school year.  Our troop was small, but we were a close group!

Since the series Survivor was popular then, my co-leader and I planned a few competition events for the girls.  I'd like to say it was memorable, but I can't remember the exact competitions we did.  (Not remembering things like this make me feel so old!) 

At the end, we took this photo, the girls holding torches in the dark.  After, they crawled into their tents and the hope was they would sleep all night.  But I crashed out, not sure the girls did! 

We had such fun!  What memories!!

Photo Albums

I spent the weekend reworking my old photo albums.  As an avid photographer for many years, all of my work before 2004 was done with film.

And of course, being a blended family of 8 means a lot of photos!  

But do your photos lose meaning over the years?  They never do of kids growing up for me.  But I'm down to deciding if I need all 8 of one "photo session".  So I'm reducing it to 4 or 5.  Harder to do when she's my first grandchild! 

And then its even more difficult to toss photos of my son and my stepson as they both died a few years ago. But I have NO trouble tossing photos of me and my ex.  Not all of them, because if one of the kids is there, thats part of the history.  

Its always amazing to slip into the past: Santa parades, 4th of July parades, first snow day, sledding on Potter's Hill.  Camping trips, field trips, vacations. And the simple everyday stuff: four square, basketball, cheerleading, Little League, marching band, big scouts and girl scouts. 

Our days were full, and fun! If you're raising kids, enjoy every single day. It passes much too fast!!!

Four square on the driveway

Ginme A Break

I saw this online today, and it hit me.

Hard.  

I know I have issues with Mom.  Not just the little things.  Its hard for anyone else to understand, but when I am around her, I seem to pick up the energy she puts out. Combined with other things that have happened in our pasts, it is affecting my health, makes my gut churn.   And there aren't any breaks.

Time for a break. For me.

A Field Day

Do psych doctors think of it as having a field day when someone comes in with many issues to delve into?

I have always wondered about being analyzed.  What would I reveal? What would they surmise?  

I always assumed that I grew up in an ideal home, the kind they talked about from the 50s -- and that kind of atmosphere was how I thought I wanted to live my own adult life.   But reality was SO different!!!

Now that I'm more of an adult than ever, I realize that while my growing up years looked good from the outside, there was a lot of not so good on the inside.  I've speculated here before about how I was raised.  And how I didn't do the same things with my own kids.  

In the 60s and 70s, a lot was said about "keeping up with the Jones' ".  I also had a thought that just occurred to me.  Dad was the instrumental one in beginning our camping outings.  I dont think it was Mom's thing, but she gave in?  Just a thought.  But maybe this was dad's way of trying to put things on a different track.  Because at home, it was all about keeping up appearances, a clean house over doing things together.  

So would a psychiatrist have different thoughts? To delve deeper into the meanings behind things?  I realize that a lot of all of the issues stem from my mother's fear (that carries with her to this day) that her step mother is going to kill her in her sleep.  Maybe mom was forced? Told? That chores had to be done a certain way, by a certain time?  Its always been "work before play" at our house.  

I may never have a chance for any deep delving into issues, and I don't think I really want to take the time or the expense, but I do ponder it from time to time!  We all make choices in our lives based on what we know in the moment, and that wont change. But things that happen to us shape our lives. So be good humans with your kids.

Not My Chores

Yes, I like to help my mom.  Emphasis on help.  But its not like she asks to be helped.  Like today, I arrived and she's got Orkin papers and her phone all laid out on the table.  Then says "I think we need to call Orkin."

Then she opens her iPad and wants to know what she pushed to make all her emails disappear??  Hellifiknow!  But I tapped the screen a few times and it was back.

Next, she hands me a checkbook register and asks "Is this what you need to order checks for me? You did it last time."

And "oh by the way, can you go water the tree out front?"  Its 102, 3pm, and no! Now is not the time to water.  "But you're not here in the morning."  I suggested we turn it real low, let it water while we go to PT.  "Absolutely not. I wouldn't be comfortable with that."

*sigh*

It might be different if she asked. Instead, its an expectation. And if it doesn't get done, she grumbles about it.  For example, I called Orkin, the scheduler was on the phone and would call me back.  After, she says, "they never call back."  They called back, I made the appointment. 

Its almost like all her life has been one disappointment after another, so she has nothing nice to say?  Or its a part of getting old, grumbling about everything!

Next time I see my daughter, I will apologize in advance if I become a huge grump!

Rose from my nephew.

Am I?

I have always jokingly told people that I am not your average normal woman.  I didnt say it to brag, or be something that I'm not. Its just that I'm not like most people.  And I'm learning, or maybe its paying attention to how I really am now more than ever.

I have a very selective "like" when it comes to being touched.  It hasn't been a big problem until lately.  I don't like to be hugged or touched by my mother.  

I have always been extra sensitive, assumed it was being an empath.  Which I am, but it goes further.  I don't like large crowds, loud noise, some smells make me crazy.  I like routine, have OCD when it comes to certain things, and st times have repetitive motions (like rubbing my feet together, or bouncing a foot to simulate rocking).

I have begun to wonder if its a form of autism.  You hear that word, and things pass through your mind.  But many autistic people are high functioning adults.  

The question continues to cross my mind now and then:  Am I?

Happy Mother's Day!

This is one of those holidays I don't like to celebrate.  I do because of my daughter, and because my Mom expects it.  Both my daughter and my nephew gave me flowers (which I love and appreciate!), but its just not my thing.

My son died. It will be 6 years in July. I miss him every day, and always will.  My stepson, Dougie, died May, 2008.  Another reason to dislike this holiday. 

I miss hugs from both of them.  They were kind and loving men.  And they loved to jam on their guitars when they were together.  I can't tell you how often I heard Crazy Train or The Reason by Hoobastank, or anything by Metallica or AC/DC.  For them, the louder the better! Now when I hear any of those songs, it brings both love and heartbreak.  

Someday, boys, I'll walk over Heaven with you! 

Love, Mom

Sugar Cravings

No matter what I ate today, I have been plagued by constant sugar cravings.  I haven't had cookies, candies or potato chips for 8 months.  But I slipped with chips few days ago, and even though I couldn't explain the science behind it, I'm blaming them for reactivating my craving for sugar.  

Noshing on Hint of Lime Tortilla Chips was a lot of empty nutrition.  And the extra salt didn't help either. It was delicious in the moment! But thats only temporary!!!   

To combat the cravings, I increased my water intake today.  I also brushed my teeth 3 times, took an extra walk, cleaned my house top to bottom, anything that would take my mind off sugar!

I'm thankful I don't have sugary snacks in the house.  And I tossed out the rest of those chips --- eating chips doesn't work for me!  Which also makes me realize that I cant give in to any impulse I might have for a good burger and French fries.  Not worth it!!!

Self discipline is a mindset. 

First Cars

The first car I ever owned was a 1966 Pontiac Ventura.  It had manual windows, no radio, and one heck of an engine!  Too much horsepower for such a young girl but it was 1978 ... most of the cars were big and powerful! 

Then I bought my first new car, a 1978 El Camino with a curved back window.  Was my personal favorite! But when I got into an accident, I needed a car to go back and forth to work.  My Dad knew a guy who knew a guy ......  

It was a 1963 Chevy with 3 on the tree, and no real muffler.  It let out a noisy vroom vroom every time I shifted.  It was very fun to drive!  I cant seem to remember what model it was, but I sold it once my ElC was fixed. 

Does this information matter? Does a person's history make a difference to those who will come after us?  I know the details aren't important. And maybe it wont make a difference, but here I am recording the mundane pieces of my life's history.  

So why in our teens and 20s is what we drive so important?  Some carry the desire for fancy or sports cars later into life.  But for me, it's a tool to get me from A to Z.  Or maybe thats the old lady in me.   lol

Cooking for One

After years (and years and years!) of cooking for my family, I am at a point where I do not like to cook!  

One of the things they never told us is that one of the most dreaded decisions you'll have to make is deciding what's for dinner. Every night. For the rest of your life.  Ugh!

So when its time to cook, I prefer batch cooking.  When I buy meats, I cook it up, then that's my meal for the next few days.  Boring?  It can be.  But when you prep meals before hand, your choices are better than just grabbing something in the cabinet-- cookies, chips, etc.

Today's cooking is some sirloin cooked up for tacos, with guacamole, tomatoes, cheese and rice!  It might be late for Cinco de Mayo, but any day is a good day for tacos!

No Slip, Break Time Soon!

Discipline today makes tomorrow easier.  

Less eating today, NO CHIPS!  Yesterday was the first time I've had chips since Sep 1, so maybe I'm excused for my slip.  Just can't let that become a habit (again). 

Grocery day with Mom, she wanted to drive along, get in a little walking picking up Rx, then got tired and wanted me to go get the car.  NOPE!  You wanted the walk, yer walking!  (Yep, I can be mean --- for her own good!)

But I decided that I needed a "me" break.  So in June, I am going to be "on strike" and hide out at home. ( shhh dont tell her!!)  But I need a real break.  Haven't had one since she moved here in 2022!!  Maybe I'll visit my daughter!

Blew It

I've been so good watching what I eat. But when i grocery shopped, I gave in and ordered Tostitos Hint of Lime tortilla chips.  They are very addictive, and with today's stress, I opened the bag.  I stopped at one serving, but these have no nutritional value, just empty calories.  And while I know that sometimes we all slip, its easy to feel guilty about it.  I just have to do better tomorrow.

Mom had her first physical therapy, and he gave her "homework" - exercises she can do at home.  I hope this will keep her busy, and help get her strength back.  But she has a million thoughts on "things that need to be done" which means my plate is getting busier.

But between PT and picking up MrZ, I left "to run errands".  I just couldn't sit with her and listen to all of these wonderful ideas.

How much fun this day was! And yes, because of the stress, the chips were worth it! 

Discipline

Discipline is a decision.  I read that today and it kind of hit me.  I've been trying to take better care of my health.  Mom's weirdness and schedule interrupts on nearly a daily basis, but I've been doing my best to stay on track.

I woke up hungry this morning, but drank my bottle of water. I'm still hungry but staying committed to my fasting schedule.  Trying to distract myself with a book (Women's Murder Club series by Patterson) 

Then I read that line.  Discipline is a decision.   And its not an easy one!  When I think of discipline, I think back to raising kids. When they do something wrong, there's discipline.  Not always easy, but necessary.

Which is why its not always easy for us as adults, either.  We need to make the decision for disciplining our selves, in order to live our best life.  That's going to be a conversation with my mother - because if I don't take care of myself, I may not be able to take care of her.

Passive Aggressive (still)

Sunday is family dinner night.  Mom cooks, because thats what she prefers.  

I am here 5 days a week with her great grandson, MrZ.  She hasn't asked for anything to be done.  When I am here, if the garbage needs to go out, I just take it.  When recycle needs to go out, I do that too.  

So today, family dinner time, and when I pull up, there on the front porch is the weed killer jug.  I've been forgoing all my OWN chore to rest my sore knee, but she expects me to go out and do it??? 

Is that passive aggressive?  

Its irritating as all get out.  What's going to happen when I can't walk? Drive? 

Minimizing

Its obvious that my life isnt going to be what I imagined when I retired.  And as I was looking around, I spotted things that I truly don't need, just have a tad of memories.  And I thought I should get some boxes and get rid of stuff.  

But then I realized that my groceries come in bags, just use those! And I've been bagging things ever since.  Friday, I took a load of items to Goodwill:

98 DVDs, 89 CDs, 5 books, a few extra shirts, a roll of fabric and some pillow cases and a box of miscellaneous glassware.  One of them was a bottle that said Portugal on the bottom. It was dark green glass with a strange indentation. I bought it at a Junque Sale at church when I was about 14.  My guess is it was an old liquor bottle.  And other than just sitting on a shelf for all these years ... ??? 

There's still plenty more! But as I get older I realize that my daughter won't want to deal with stuff.  And neither will I if I need to move again.  Or when I move again!  

What is it that makes us hold on to things we dont really use?? Where does that come from? Maybe this new generation of disposable everything has a better handle on "stuff". 

Later Life

If you have had a full, busy life for all your adult years, what happens when you're older, maybe lose your partner, the kids grow up and do their own thing .....  then what?

Yes, this is about my mom (again!)  She's beginning to feel a little better. But her body isnt keeping up with her mind.  She spends time home, watches a lot of TV, tries to keep herself busy.  

By the time I got here today, she started talking and didn't stop for 45 minutes!  Her mind is full of ideas!  She wanted to get Dad's walker out so she could tromp up and down the street.  I told her no.  Then she talked about watering her trees, but she's still shaky walking on the loose rock in her yard.  No.  She worried about her grandson, her great granddaughter, and on and on.   Its great that she has these ideas ... aren't I the lucky one?  Ha.Ha.

But it made me think about how my life will be when I'm 87.  I'm ok with my own thoughts, have never felt the need to express every thought to others.  I have always been comfortable with the internet, and looking up the latest info on whatever topic springs to mind.  

I'm happy reading books of all kinds. Or doing my crafts, taking care of my home, taking walks and photography.  Will I become ... overly anxious?  I decided when I was a teen that I would never be like my mom.  That still holds true today.  So I'm making choices now so that doesn't happen to me as I grow old.

Do you ever consider those kinds of things?

Counting the Days

Commitment.  That is my word for this year.  But lately I think maybe I should be committed! Its no secret that my mother drives me nuts.  The hardest part about that is she's mom and needs to be taken care of.  But its time to work on a better balance.

There's a lot of talk about work/life balance, and it wasn't very good when I worked.  But I'm not even into a year of my retirement and already having balance issues between caring for mom and caring for me. 

So I have to work on that.  I need to draw a few lines and keep my time as my time.  As a matter of habit, I would head for mom's, having an hour before I needed to pick up MrZ.  I am going to begin decreasing that to 30 minutes, or less. Emphasis on less.  

There's only 22 days until school let's out.  That should leave more time for me! So I am counting the days!