Be Strong

I have friends who tell me how strong I am -- but its only because I keep the difficult stuff, the things that make me vulnerable, inside.  But I'll confess that I ~do~ give in, to not be strong.  But never when anyone is around. 

When I am focused on my job, I can forget my sadness, my depression.  So the days aren't too difficult as long as I'm working.  But I find myself checking my phone, hoping for - and dreading - messages from him.  My hopes keep saying he'll message me because he wants me.  (but his actions speak louder than words -- he doesn't).  And dreading, because I know that I'm weak when it comes to him, and I'll answer back.  I almost always do.   Even when I'm at the gym walking, pedaling, lifting every weight, I can push those thoughts to the back of my mind.  But its temporary.

Its when I get in my car that I feel I can let go of my tenuous control.  Its when I let myself cry for all the lost time; for all the hopes that are gone; for all the dreams that will never come true; that's when I let myself get loud, to let out some of the anger.  I say them out loud so that I really feel them:  "How selfish of you to waste eight years -- when you knew it would never be!" or "All that talk about making changes that never happened.  I know they never will."  and all the BS about helping each other "get through whatever it is we're getting through".  fuck that!   Life isn't something to get through -- like an algebra exam.  Life is to be lived, and hopefully loved throughout. 

Eleanor Roosevelt said:   “The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson said:   “Life is a journey, not a destination.”

but the one I liked best is this one: 

“Live today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Just today. Inhabit your moments. Don’t rent them out to tomorrow. Do you know what you’re doing when you spend a moment wondering how things are going to turn out?

You’re cheating yourself out of today. Today is calling to you, trying to get your attention, but you’re stuck on tomorrow, and today trickles away like water down a drain. You wake up the next morning and that today you wasted is gone forever. It’s now yesterday. Some of those moments may have had wonderful things in store for you , but now you’ll never know.”  ~Jerry Spinelli, Love, Stargirl

When I think about the years that have wasted past me, I sometimes get angry.  I realize that in a sense they weren't wasted, because each of the things I accomplished in those years were important.  But what I get angry about is the fact that he knew from the start that "this", that "us",  would never happen.  And I didn't get a choice in the matter.