Loss of Control

Whenever my spirit feels restless or troubled, my fav author to turn to is Sarah Ban Breathnach.  She's written a couple of good books that speak about making life simpler, enjoying more of life through the little things.  Because we  become so crowded with stuff and events in our lives that are out of our control at times, that we become overwhelmed, sometimes to the breaking point.

Sometimes we have these illusions that we feel we can keep up, that we believe in, to help us through our day -- believing that this time he'll stop drinking, the kid's just going through a phase, that the argument's over money and not power, or that the unworkable will work if you just try a little harder.  Maybe parts of it are true, but if not, you're setting yourself up for the double-cross, that moment when we are convinced that life can be manipulated.

Life can't.  But we can.  A few weeks go smoothly, at home and work, and suddenly we succumb to the lure of thinking we can control relationships or the course of events.  We line everything up in perfect order so that, through sheer force of will, we'll be at the right place at the right time.  But when we become addicted to thinking we can control another person's behavior or a particular outcome, we're as vulnerable as a crack addict who things this hit will be their last.  We assume we can handle the day, the deal, the deadline.  But when we can't, we spin out of control and into what feels like a nosedive.  "Whatever we try to control has control over us and our life."

Harsh words.  But we've all been there, believing we are in control.  We need to face the truth:  You can never lose something if you never had it to begin with.  You were never in control and you never will be.  Let go of that illusion so that you can cut your losses and move on.

Acceptance of the inevitable -- as difficult and painful it might be today-- is the first step toward an authentic trade-off:  "We trade a life we have tried to control, and we receive in return something better-- a life that is manageable." 

Living a song

I've been loving you too long to stop now

My heart I can't control; you rule my very soul.
My only prayer will be, some day you'll care for me,
But it's only make believe.

I been hangin' round this place, 

I been lookin' through your space
I been waitin' for you, lookin' for you,

It's easier to lie to me than to yourself.

I know you've got somebody else

Should I hold on to what we've got?

Is it just a waste of time?

All my candles have burned out

Like the tide, my love has come and gone

and it's time for me to go.

But it's always gonna be you
Always gonna be you I'm lookin' for

One of the things I've realized is that my online chat time needs to be less; I used to come online and chat with friends from all over.  Slowly over time, my contacts with folks becames less, and my time with one increased.  But when I look back, I can see now that my time is relatively 'controlled' by another influence.  And I promised myself that I would never settle, never come second in someone's life.  I did it again; my promise to myself was broken, and I believed in someone who wasn't honest with me. 

Entrenched

Entrenched: an attitude, habit, or belief so firm that change is very difficult or unlikely.  That's my word for the evening.  I opened my netbook and brought up the blog screen, and then drew a blank.  There are a million things I want to be saying, but I'm second guessing my thoughts, assuming that no one else really cares what I am thinking.

So many times, we all become entrenched in one way or another to things we should be doing, or maybe its things we're doing that we can't get away from, and need to.  When that happens, how do we break free?  How do we become un-entrenched?  I don't believe any attitude, habit or belief is so entrenched that its impossible to change.  But the bottom line is that we have to want to make a change ... but how?

There are five basic steps to break a habit:  Admit.  Change your environment.  Create barriers.  Replace the old with something new.  Be patient.  (well,, ok, I'll admit it, patience isn't so easy for me either!)

In my quest to lose weight, my five things would be admitting I need to lose weight.  Change when, where, what I eat.  Stop buying the foods I can't resist.  Something new would be gym time, not sitting around time.  And then again, patience.  Because losing weight doesn't happen overnight.

What areas in life are you entrenched in?

Thursdays are Bestest!

Some days, I struggle with my writing, or maybe its more that I struggle with writing something for the whole world to see?  Because we're human and sometimes emotions have us saying things that are in the heat of the moment, and might not be truly how we feel all the time. 

I struggle with coming to terms in a friendship --
I struggle with finding balance between job vs career --
I struggle with finding happiness as a single gal --

None of these topics are easy things to write about, unless I just want to put some 'fluff' out there.  And that's not me.  I like to think I will say something when I have something to say.  But I'm beginning to think that it's more like that old adage:  If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.

 Since my last post was about life as a single woman, let me tell you how my day was.  When my shift ended, it was 3pm, I wandered in my store a little bit, picking up a few needed things and one not so needed thing:  A Klondike bar (What would YOU do for a Klondike bar? hmm??), then drove on home, cruising along, listening to my fav radio station.  Once home, I greeted the pup, said hello to my kid, and wondered what to do next.  Being its Thursday, that's usually the night I head to the library and find something interesting to read.  But because I don't have to answer to anyone for my time (sometimes that's a very nice thing!), I did my thing at the library, then stowed my books in the car and grabbed my cameras, headed for the walk around the pond to take a few pix.  Along the way, I stopped and greeted a couple of the fishermen.  Thursdays are a busy day there, because they stock the lake with trout!  Something I didn't know :) 


The sun was about to set -- and watching a sun set is one of the best things to do!

After, I took a spin through the local Taco Bell
and picked up a Taco Salad for dinner.
No cooking, no fuss, no cleanup afterwards.
Sometimes I think Thursdays are my favorite day :)

A few good things...

Ahhh, the benefits of being over 50, single and happy.  Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about relationships, or lack of them, as I get older.  I've been married three times, and after all that, I feel I know quite a bit about myself, and what I like and don't like in a partner.  Living on my own for eight years now, I think I've become accustomed to having my own way!   So I've listed a few good things about being over 50 and single..... 

Know who you are, spend time rediscovering what makes you tick - from the food you like best to the places you enjoy visiting.

Lose the anger over the past:  Forgive, forget and move on.

If you go full tilt at life and take every opportunity it throws at you, you'll never feel sad or alone.

You'll enjoy life more if you're in good health.  Exercise keeps you looking good and releases mood-boosting endorphins so you feel good too.  I try for an hour a day.

Fill your life with things that make you happy and people you love. The key is to get out of the mindset that you need a man to complete you!

Less housework - Even today, most men expect a certain amount of looking after, whether that means cooking, cleaning after them or washing their clothes.

No squabbles about sex - Sex can often be a bone of contention in marriages, as few couple agree on how much sex they want, so one partner always has too much or too little and can end up being resentful.

No need to compromise - Just think, you can always have the food you like, watch the TV shows you prefer and sleep on the side of the bed you want to be on!

Society used to have different ideals about single women; I can remember growing up people talking about spinsters and old maids.... now its just a card game! ... and we can be free to choose how we want to live.  So go out there and make it a good one!

 

Hiking

Saturday was a day of hiking.  While the last bit of a cold lingers on, we decided to head up to Superstition Mountain for some hiking, just to get out of the house.  My granddaughter loves the outdoors, but was feeling under the weather and thought she'd just 'ride along'.  But once there, she was out and climbing around with the rest of us.  The dogs loved it! and it wore them out.  Sadie slept in, and is still snoozing this morning. :) 

We got further along the Treasure Loop trail than ever before; my daughter called it quits and we headed back, but it was a good hike, over a mile into the hike, up about 500 feet, before we turned it around. I think we hiked for about 3 hours.  There were plenty of people out there hiking, and with the dogs it was slower going, as we tend to move over and stop to let people pass us without the dogs being too pesky.  The sunshine was warm and there was a crisp breeze to keep us cool.

Touch a Heart

Firelight

Good morning readers!  Just a few short words, looks to be a beautiful day here in the Valley of the Sun!  It's been a stressful weekend with the whole retail thing.  I've had a cold of some sort for the past week.  And my "girls" came up for the weekend.  Quite busy for an old Gal like me! hahaha

Just a few pix - we've spent evenings sitting around the fire; last night we roasted hot dogs and then s'mores.  There's nothing tastier than a hot dog roasted on a stick over an open fire.  I coulda ate a half dozen of them, I think :)  Or maybe it was the wine that made things taste so good.  *grin*




The fire is the main comfort of the camp, whether in summer or winter, and is about as ample at one season as at another.  It is as well for cheerfulness as for warmth and dryness.  ~Henry David Thoreau

Buy Nothing!!

One of the posts I follow is ZenHabits.  And their posting today took how I feel to the next level -- and I am in complete agreement!!  Today is one of the worst days of the year: overconsumption day (or Black Friday as its called)  But it should be our "Buy Nothing Day".    I prefer the latter — it means we waste less, consumer fewer resources, stop looking to shopping to solve our problems and make us happy, and instead find simpler ways of finding contentment.

And so today I extend a challenge to all of you, and the world: Buy Nothing Until 2013.

Yes, I’m taking Buy Nothing Day and extending it through the end of the year.

Why the hell would you want to do this challenge?
Do it as a protest against consumerism and corporate influences on our lives.
Do it as a tool for contentment, for simplicity.
Do it to reclaim the holidays as a time of connection and love, not of buying and debt.
Do it just to see if you can.
And yes, you can still do it if you’ve already done some Black Friday shopping. We’ll forgive our past sins and start afresh. :)

Buy Nothing Until 2013 is about freedom.
Freedom from consumerism. Freedom from corporations (or a little bit of freedom, at least).
Freedom from debt and overspending.
Freedom from the need to shop to be happy.
Freedom from the use of shopping as therapy or stress relief.
Freedom from shopping as a way to connect with others.
Freedom from buying to show our love for others.
Freedom from sales and holiday madness and malls and huge chain stores and crazy shoppers.
Freedom from overuse of resources, from wasted packaging, from wasted fuel to ship all that junk to the store.
Freedom from crap we don’t need.

We are more than consumers. We don’t need to buy gifts to celebrate the holidays with each other — we can get together, make delicious food, go outside and do something fun, play games, talk, tell jokes, tell stories, give hugs.  We are alive, and don’t want to waste the hours we have in chain box stores and malls buying things we don’t really need
.
We know that just because stores have massive sales doesn’t mean we need to buy what they’re selling. Sales don’t mean we’re saving money — it means we’re spending it. We used precious life hours earning our money, and we want to use that to live, not buy.
We are free from buying, and free to live.
Join us, and Buy Nothing Until 2013.

There are no official rules. Make it up as you go.  Make a commitment to buy nothing except necessities until Jan 1.  And make sure you tell at least one other person!   Necessities are OK, like groceries and household supplies, just avoid buying gifts, new clothes and gadgets for yourself.

Find other ways if you really need something.  Can you make do for a few more weeks?  Can you borrow from a friend?  Get it at a thrift store (yes, that’s buying, but buying from Goodwill is better than buying from Walmart). Can you make your own?

Celebrate the holidays without buying gifts.  Maybe have a potluck with friends - everyone bring a dish and maybe a game to share!  Be creative!

Join me, my friends, and together let’s forge a new path that’s free from the burden of buying.

Black Friday

Black Friday -- that's what retailers call this day.  It's the one day where sales are certain to exceed expenses in most stores.  I'm thinking maybe not today in my store.  I'm not sure what happened, but in the midst of the 5am shopping spree, a water pipe burst.  There was water everywhere in the back room, spewing from the overhead pipe.  Of course in most cases, this is a holiday, so calling someone out to fix it had to be expensive! 

This was my 12th retail Black Friday, and each year plays out a little differently in the details, but the goal is the same - sell, sell, sell.  And when I arrive at 4am, the parking lot is usually packed to the max.  This year, so many of the popular items went on sale at 10pm Thanksgiving night, that the rest of them weren't still in the store at 5am for the other sale.  I keep wondering if that doesn't mean my retailer sort of shot itself in the foot.  I personally think there's a more buying frenzy when there's only one shot at the sale items.

Take for instance one customer I talked to.  She was in the store last night for the electronics event, wanting to buy a TV.  Afterwards, because nothing else was available for sale until 5am, she left and went to another retailer who's entire sale started at midnight.  Since she'd picked up so many things on her gift-shopping list, she didn't care to come back to another store at 5am for one or two items.  Can't say I blame her.   So does that mean retailers will rethink how they lay out their sales events?  Everyone used to compete with their sales all starting at 5am.  Then someone went to 4am.  Another year, it was midnight.  This year, 8pm and 10pm on Thanksgiving day.    Seems to me the only ones who were giving thanks were retailers! 

For me, I spent the morning sorting things that had been left in shopping carts.  But because the store's volumes were quiet, I was sent home at 9am.  YAY!  Didn't have to ask me twice.  So now I'm home, ready to have a nap while my family heads out to the mall.  

Here's hoping you still have your sanity if you were one of the shoppers!

Thanksgiving - is it lost?

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.  Hopefully each of you enjoyed time with family, good food, doing things you enjoy doing.  Me -- I worked, its retail, and we always want to be ready for **the big day** -- yes, the Black Friday shop until you drop event!

But I'm very disappointed this year.  Or maybe I'm disappointed with Americans *sneer* There was nothing sacred or ritual about today for so many people who were already shopping in my Big Box store.  Have we become a nation so obsessed with their next purchase, their next new toy, buy buy buy more stuff  that they don't care to take 24 hours and spend a little quality time with loved ones?   What have we become?  Did we create this?  or did Corporate America's obsession with the almighty dollar, profits and bottom line do this?  Has mass marketing finally convinced us that we're no longer valid peoples if we aren't purchasing the latest and greatest gadget?  Are we still trying to "keep up with the joneses" in order to prove something?

Sorry I'm ranting a little bit, but it doesn't seem to me as if we grasp the real joys in life.  The one thing none of us can ever buy is time.  We can have all the latest, but today is gone, never to be had again.  Did you spend any part of it being truly thankful, spending time with loved ones?

While my job creates an atmosphere where I'm limited on my time, I still find a way to have time with family and friends.  I'll be the first to admit that sometimes in the past, we've had our Thanksgiving dinner on a different non-working day, but we always find a way to be together.  After work when I arrived home, my daughter had cleaned up a bit, had some snacks on the counter, and dinner was simple to prep.  My son bbq'd a small turkey breast, and we popped some baking potatoes on there as well.  Always very nice to spend time with my kids, they're a joy. :)

And an update:  My granddaughter slept all night, alone, in the tent in my backyard!  hehehe I tell you, I sure was shocked.  She woke up about 630am and was cold, crawled her chilly self into bed with her mom and slept another couple hours :)  Tonight, we added another blanket on the ground so it wouldn't feel so cold to her.  She's determined to spend another night in the tent.   :)

Here's hoping you had a great day!!  xox

Merry Holiday!

Hello everyone - It's Thanksgiving Day tomorrow.  And most people will be having some kind of dinner, ie turkey and taters and stuffing, if you eat anything like we do!

My "girls" are up for the weekend, so my weekend started today.  Sadly, it will be mixed with some work time, given that I work for a Big Box retailer.  But we work around my crazy schedule, for the most part. 


My granddaughter is ten, and very much a tomboy.  About half hour after she arrived, we got the usual "I'm booooorrrrred" speech.  So, I dragged her outdoors and had her split wood so we could have a fire later; she stacked it pyramid style, ready to apply match and enjoy after dinner!  Which lead us to the conversation about how much she likes camping.  So we dared her to set up our tent (its very easy!)  And yep, she did it.  It's now 840 pm and she is in the tent outside my bedroom window, sleeping bag, pillow and portable dvd player --- just like other campers, right???  

Yep, you guessed it, I'm giggling :)  and wondering if she will stay out there all night-- update tomorrow!

In the moment

Along similar lines, both Zen Buddhists and Stoics think it important for us to strive to stay "in the moment." People tend to spend their days and consequently their lives as well dwelling on things that happened in past moments and worrying about things that will happen in future moments. As a result, there is little time left for them to savor the moment they currently are living. If we are to have a good life, it is important, says Stoic Marcus Aurelius, for us to keep in mind that "man lives only in the present, in this fleeting instant."

But how many of us can really do that?  I think about my life and the things I do ... how often is your own evening spent "getting ready for tomorrow"?  I do try to balance that with doing something for myself as well, but it can be difficult - there are so many needs we each have to meet on a day to day basis.

Then there are the other types of distractions -- TV, internet, phone calls, friends.
So how do you live 'in the moment' and get the most out of it?

Dance like nobody's watching. While you may or may not like dancing, no matter who's not watching, the idea embodied in those 4 words sums the entire experience of living in the moment.

Take notice of the world.  No matter what you're doing, notice the moments that surround you. Maybe on your way to work or school, you go over a beautiful bridge, or you get a view of the sunrise behind the city buildings.

Focus on whatever you're doing. Even if you're just walking, or wiping the counter, or shuffling cards—how does it feel?

Smile when you wake up.  How easy is that?

Commit random, spontaneous acts of kindness. Whether it's donating 1 dollar to a fund at the pharmacy, picking up litter, or helping victims of natural disasters, keep alert in every moment of your day for some way in which you can make the world a better place. Even the smallest thing, like complimenting someone, can bring joy.

Minimize activities that dull your awareness of the moment. What are you doing that tempts your mind to run away from the present? For most people, watching television puts you in a passive state of mind, and time slips right by. Daydreaming and getting lost in a good movie or book isn't bad, but it's not living in the moment because it places your concentration on something that isn't right here, right now; it's a form of escapism.

Be thankful for what is. When you find yourself wishing for something you don't have, or wishing your life would be different, start your quest for your wish by being thankful for what is already in your life. This will bring you back to the present moment.

Do not dwell in the past, 

do not dream of the future, 

concentrate the mind on the present moment.  

Buddha

"When Love Hurts", article

I have a friend who's in a bad place, relationship wise.  And I was trying to do some research on abusive relationships.   The stereotype of an abusive relationship is that of a man physically beating a woman. Society has yet to acknowledge the vast number of women who emotionally abuse men. In fact, the men who are being abused oftentimes don’t realize that their wife’s or girlfriend’s behavior is abusive.

I found this article on the internet, and am sharing it here. Out of love and concern for my friend.

They use different terms to describe this behavior like nagging, bossy, difficult, strong-willed, tough, harsh, argumentative, “passionate,” or aggressive, which they always follow up with some excuse such as, “She had a really tough childhood. She was abused.” Lots of people have had less than ideal beginnings, but they don’t take it out on others in their adult relationships.

Men have been brainwashed into believing that it’s normal for women to be irrational, moody, emotional, and demanding. Most men accept these behaviors under the guise that a woman is ‘just expressing her feelings’ and men are uncomfortable with because ‘men aren’t good at expressing their feelings.’ This is ridiculous.  This behavior makes men uncomfortable, just as it would make most women on the receiving end of it uncomfortable because it’s abusive.

Men, you need to wake up and stop blinding yourself to the obvious. If you walk on eggshells around your partner because you’re afraid she’ll flip out on you for minor transgressions or simply because she’s in a bad mood, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If nothing you do, no matter how hard you try pleases her, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If she regularly puts you down, criticizes or demeans you through name-calling and humiliation, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If she shuts you out, gives you the cold shoulder or refuses to have sex with you in order to control your behavior, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. There’s no shame in admitting this. In fact, it’s your wife or girlfriend who ought to be ashamed.

Emotional abuse is like a cancer that eats away at your psyche until you’re left feeling powerless, worthless, anxious and/or depressed. Most of the time it happens so gradually that you don’t notice it. You explain away the first few tantrums, emotional outbursts and rage episodes. You take her criticisms to heart because you want to please her. You’d give anything for her to go back to the way she was during the honeymoon phase of your relationship when she was fun, sweet and loving and therein lies the problem.

 She’s not abusive all the time. Sometimes she’s nice. Now and again, she’ll even make a grand loving gesture and you convince yourself that the relationship isn’t that bad. Abusive personality types frequently have a very charismatic and seductive side. If she was all bad all the time, you’d have never become involved with her, right? Their charming side is how they suck people in. Over time, the charm wears thin and their abusive traits dominate.

You can’t fix this. You can’t make her stop. You can’t make your relationship better. You can go to all the therapy sessions in the world and read all the How to Understand Women books on Amazon, but you won’t be able to change her behavior. Why?

First, it’s highly unlikely that your girlfriend or wife will see her behavior as abusive because “everything’s your fault” and, most importantly, her abusive behaviors are how she gets what she wants. It’s a learned and highly effective behavioral technique, which, even if she gains awareness about it, will be terribly difficult (if not impossible) for her to break. The goal of an abuser is control and the way they control you is through emotional abuse.


Don’t want to admit you’re being controlled or abused? Ok. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Are you spending more and more time at work because you don’t want to go home?
• Have you dropped out of touch with friends and family? When you communicate periodically, do you smile and tell them everything’s great as you feel the knot in your stomach tighten and the lump in your throat harden?
• Do you always feel like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop?
• Have you withdrawn from life while retreating into alternate realities, e.g., books, films or the Internet?
• Are you experiencing feelings of shame, worthlessness, low self-esteem or emotional numbness?
• Are you experiencing physical symptoms like chronic stomach pain, nausea, headaches, digestive problems, insomnia or fatigue that your doctor can’t diagnose beyond “may be stress-related?”
• Are you drinking more or using recreational drugs more than you used to? Are you using them to escape from or numb yourself to the unhappiness of your situation?
• Do you feel unlovable? Like something’s “wrong” with you or that you’re “bad” or “crazy?” Do you worry that if you left your partner that no one else would want you?
• Do you experience symptoms of depression, including thoughts of suicide?
• Do you engage in risky behaviors in which your death would be considered “accidental” like reckless driving, riding your bike alone through rough terrain, going into dangerous neighborhoods,or walking into traffic without looking?

If you answered “yes” to more than one of these questions it’s highly likely that you’re suffering the effects of emotional abuse. Most often women (and men) with these traits either have Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder and/or Narcissistic Personality Disorder characteristics, if not full blown personality disorders. These psychiatric conditions are extremely difficult to treat. All three can be extremely emotionally abusive types who are incapable of feeling true empathy, which does not bode well for you.
You need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life being treated like this or if you want a chance at real love and happiness. You should probably seek some form of formal support to:

1. Help resurrect your feelings of self-esteem and worth.
2. Understand why you were attracted to this woman in the first place so you don’t end up in another abusive relationship again.
3. Learn some behavioral techniques to deal and cope with these behaviors.
4. Help you decide if you want to end this relationship and, if so, support you through it.

by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Starzzz...

Ok.  Not sure what's been up with me lately.  But last week when my alarm woke me up, I realized I'd been dreaming of John Travolta.  He was starring in a new movie, some action packed thriller thing, and I was his "gal" -- and yes, it was a graphic dream (huge grin) lots of kissing and touching... well, you get the idea ;)

Saturday, during a nap, I dreamt I was on a date with Joey Tribbiani (from Friends).  We were at a restaurant, and ordered appetizers, then a fish entree.  (I don't ever order fish!)  While we waited for dinner to arrive, he gaveme a present in a little box addressed to "Gal".   Then we kissed and kissed and kissed.  And he wanted to leave the restaurant before our meals came, tossed some large bills on the table.  We stood up and ... that's when I woke up. hehehehe

So what's up with all the dreamin' about famous people?
That's very odd for me, I'm not a "star gazer" type person.


Jung thought a famous person in a dream could represent an aspect of your personality that exists in your subconscious, but which you haven't been consciously expressing. If this is a positive quality, your dream is telling you that you should work on developing this quality in your waking life.

Freud thought that dreams about celebrities were wish fulfillment dreams. He thought that if you dream of someone famous, you either want to be like that person, have what that person has or just want more recognition from others.

Celebrities show up in our dreams when the stakes are a little higher in terms of what we’re dreaming about.  By providing a more powerful image, the unconscious is telling you to pay more attention. 

Guess in the long run, I should be paying attention to what the dreams were telling me --- uh, time to get back on track --- save a horse, ride a cowboy???  *chuckles*

Hands

What do our hands say about us?

A friend is a hand that is always holding yours, 

no matter how close or far apart you may be.

“Sometimes, reaching out and taking someone's hand 

is the beginning of a journey.

Our hands are so much a part of who we are, what we do. What stories they could tell about us..... An expert observer could instantly surmise important facts about someone simply by looking at their hands: Rough, weathered hands of a farmer or lifetime outdoor laborer. Calloused fingertips of an accomplished guitarist or violinist. The soft, well-manicured, painted-nail hands of a woman of means that hasn’t needed to spend much time doing strenuous housework. Delicate, nurturing hands of a practiced gardener.

When I study my hands I see the wisdom of my years.  My hands are a reflection of the sacred most precious knowledge that has been given me through my experiences in life.  My hands show the journey was not easy. These hands are rough, not smooth and polished like some. My hands parallel my life for it also has been rough; not smooth, not glamorous, or polished, not easy in anyway. My hands are the reflection of all that I am and all that I was meant to be.  My hands hold the wonders of the world, my world, my life.

Got Love?

I haven't posted lately, I've been down with a cold, or the flu, or something equally as un-fun.  I've been getting lots of rest, lots of fluids, taking my vitamins.  I'm sure it will pass quickly.  But in the meantime, finding time and a topic worth writing about hasn't come easy for me.

November is always a month where we take time to rearrange our thoughts, to realize all the good things in our life and to be grateful.  I still have my parents, and ventured up to their place three times this year - always a good thing.  On my last trip there, I was able to do a study in 'hands' -- (I'll make a post on that, because I find hands very interesting, they tell a tale all their own.)   I have terrific kids and a granddaughter who make my life worthy.  I have a job that pays me just enough to get by, nothing extravagant, but enough to meet my needs.  I have words, and pictures, a way to be creative and tell stories my own way.  I have wonderful friends who care about me.  But mostly, I have love. I am loved.

Having love, being loved, and being able to love people is the bottom line in the meaning of life.  Without it, what we do, what we have, is meaningless.  We are all worthy of love, of loving.  It is essential to life, to living.  And if there's a part of your life where love is missing, then you are missing out on life.

Love is unconditional.
Love is truth, joy, respectful.
Love is freely given.
Love is a free gift.
Love is freedom.
Love is compassionate, merciful, gracious.
Love is amazing, awesome and glorious.
Love is considering and honoring others... their whole being - identity, ideas, beliefs, feelings.
Love understands.
Love is listening, enlightenment, intimacy, romance, trust, peace, excitement, joy.
Love is the journey.

Grateful loving HUGS to everyone!

PS:  Yes, YOU are loved too :)

Sleeeeeeeep

Do you suffer from sleep issues?  I have my moments, my stretches, where sleep is very hard to come by.  When I was at the doc's the other day, we batted around a few ideas.  I mentioned my status of being single, of stresses and disappointments in my life, also mentioned getting a puppy.

The three biggest things I've been finding that's working for me the last few days:

1.  Avoid caffeine and foods 4 hours before bedtime. 

2.  Create a good sleep environment.  For me, that means having my bedroom picked up and looking as if company is coming; having my clothes for work laid out; purse and lunchbox at the ready.  and

3. Establish a soothing pre-sleep routine.

While the doc agreed that what I had been doing should have been fine, there were a few more suggestions, and that has worked really well so far. The biggest change for me has been learning to set boundaries regarding my bedtime, to "stick to my guns" when its my time for bed. Because I am important -- just as important as anyone else.

Sleep well!  I know I will :)

Acceptance

Sometimes you come to a moment in life
where you know that you know that you know. 
And once you know,
you can finally accept what will never be,
what can never be,
and how dumb could you be in the first place? 
*sigh*

Once you reach that point,
its nearly impossible to get back
to your original state of mind.

Always thought I'd be easily replaced.
I am.
And I'm ok with it now.

Mother Nature

Ah, its 430am, and I'm laying here, listening the rain.  Such a nice sound as the rain patters down, then falls from the roof to the ground.  Water is a very a soothing thing. 

.....and now its 8am ... the sounds of the rain lulled me back to sleep!  And sleeping this late is a rare thing for me!  The air is so cool and crisp outside, it truly feels like fall!  And as I appreciate the wonderful weather, the beautiful sunrise, the cares and worries of work and life fall away.

Mother Nature can be spectacular!  Here is a picture I took from my hike on the Superstition Mountain.  After work yesterday, I decided that I needed to see my mountain, and hoped for a good sunset as well.  We got out there just after 4pm, and hiked up until the sun was about to set.  Of course, we didn't want to be up there too long after the sun set-- it gets dark quick here in the Valley of the Sun!  The horizon looks hazy, there was rain in the distance.

If you have a chance, get out and see some of Mother Nature's awesome works of art!

Happy Feet!

If you can remember back to when your first born child came along, everything was about "the firsts" - first smile, first laugh, first steps.....  But if you're living life and loving it, you can still have "firsts" -- even after 50! 

Today was my first pedicure.... not sure what I've been waiting for!  My friend Helen and I decided a few days ago to spoil ourselves a little bit for our lunch hour today.

I settled myself in the oversized chair and sat back, and slid my feet into the warm bubbly water.  From that moment I knew I'd be hooked -- it felt heavenly!  All the other preps - clipping toenails and such - were necessities.  My soles were scrubbed, and yes some of it tickled!  My calves were massaged, sugared and some kind of minty cream applied, then covered in plastic, then surrounded by warm wet towels.  Ohhh boy, talk about wonderfulness!  But then he draped a hot moist towel over my toes, and massaged each toe.  For me THAT was heaven.  He could have done that for an hour or more!!  Lotion massaged into my skin from knee to the tips of my toes, then painted a classic bright red.  I could really get used to this!  And foresee a few more pedicures in my future!!

If you're thinking ahead to Christmas, a pedicure is a Wonderful gift! 

Rainbows

It's not every day we get to see a rainbow.  And here in the Valley of the Sun, where average rainfall is about 8" per year, rainbows are few and far between.  So when we see them, we stop; put life on pause; take pix (if you're like me!); and think about what a rainbow really means.  

There are superstitions about a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and somehow leprechauns are in that as well.  

The formation of a rainbow is this:  When the sun shines on the drops of rain as they are falling, the rays that come from those drops to the eye of the spectator, after One reflection and Two refractions, produce the primary rainbow.  

In Genesis 9:13  God says:  "I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth."

For me, whenever I was contemplating a big decision, and feeling as if I'm not certain which way it would go ... seeing a rainbow would make me feel as if it was a sign to go ahead with my decision.  And its always turned out to be the right thing.  I remember when I was feeling uncertain about my decision to leave my ex husband.  There were very valid reasons for me doing so, but there were also things that would be difficult if I did.  I remember vividly sitting in a drive through parking lot with my son, wondering out loud if my decision would be right for him and me.  And a rainbow burst across the sky and we sat watching it for 10 minutes and in that moment, I knew it was going to be ok :) 

"Sometimes it's important to work for that pot of gold.  But other times it's essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow.  ~Douglas Pagels

May the warm winds of heaven blow softly upon your house

May the Great Spirit bless all who enter there

May your moccasins make happy tracks in many snows

and may the rainbow always touch your shoulder.

~Cherokee Blessing

Square One

Square One.
How many of us have gone back to square one and started again?
Maybe you started a new career.
Maybe you moved to a new city.
Maybe you started over after a divorce.
Maybe you have the empty nest syndrome.

Whichever ones you've done, you know what a process it is.  You know how much stress and work there is getting from A to B.

But once there.... ahhhhh ... It feels so good, and you wonder why you didn't do it sooner!!

When you finally make the conscious choice to go ahead, to do it, it lessens the load, you let go of the abstract general idea, and you can get more practical in your plan of action.  Maybe you make lists like I do.  From the small things to the bigger things to the biggest thing of all.  Once you have a list of what needs to be done, you can pick and choose what you're capable of handling for the day, and something else gets finished, getting you closer to your goal, your B.

These thoughts came to me for two reasons:  First, because a friend of mine sees A and B as a rock and a hard place -- a very difficult place to extract one's self from.  But it can be done!  I've done it.  I've started over with nothing in the bank, a car payment, and just enough money to cover a down payment and first month's rent.  Don't lose faith in yourself -- you'll do what you need to when you're ready.

Second, because I feel that I'm back to 'square one'.  I fell in love with a man who for selfish reasons withheld information, who isn't able to love me back in the way that I deserve.  There I said it out loud.  That's the bottom line:  the way that I deserve.  I once believed in a grand future because of our similar likes and tastes.  Now I'm relegated to loving from a distance, unrequited. But no longer waiting on that magical moment any longer.  And while that makes me sad in some ways, I still wouldn't trade away a good friendship.

I read somewhere "Don't worry about being back at square one... at least you're still on the board!"

What's Up, Doc?

It's that time of year ... time for the annual physical.  In your 20s and 30s and even into your 40s you only go when you're sick, or something hurts.  But into your 50s, its kind of nice having some reassurance that yes, your creaky knees and aching back and the wrinkles are all part of the aging process, all part of normal reality, and yes, even indicates your roadmap and progress in life!

Today was mine.  And I was happy when I sat my butt up on the table, the nurse takes my blood pressure and its 104/82.   *big smile*  Then I started twiddling my thumbs, knowing that when the nurse says "the doc will be here in a few mins" .... well, that could be up to half an hour.  But lucky me, it was his good day.  He knocked, walked in and said "Hello! and Congratulations!!"  Me and my witty comebacks:  "Congratulations?  I'm definitely NOT pregnant!!!"  *chuckles*  The doc was pleased with my weight loss :) and so am I.  He's a very practical sort of doc, and got right down to business, checking my reflexes, listening to my heart and lungs, checking for swollen ankles.  (I'm sure that was because of age and weight related issues, not pregnancy issues!! haha)  He updated me for tetanus shot, wrote me a scrip for a mammogram, and sent me off to see Draculette, his blood drawing nurse.  I'll be curious to see if my numbers changed from last time, due to diet and exercise changes!

Is it time for your own checkup?

Perspective

 

Sometimes life is summed up just like that:  it's all about perspective.  Sometimes what we perceive isn't always how it truly is.  They always say the grass is greener on the other side -- again, that's perspective.  Sometimes when you jump the fence, it is; sometimes it isn't.   

A friend who was trying to make me smile wished me a good morning, a peaceful day, and a Publishers Clearing House winner's notice in my mailbox.  (Yes, it did make me smile!!)  But along with  the money, comes other problems.  And right now, even if I had a million dollars, it wouldn't, couldn't, bring me the happiness I am looking for.  

Just like the two in the cartoon, what we wish for isn't always the best for us.
Keep it in perspective, folks.

The Key

Update:  I said I would be taking care of me, and I did pretty well today (Monday).  Made the phone call I needed to make; spent 3 hours away from work -- sitting in the social security office.  But both things were handled for the time being.  A little more paperwork to be done, but that's doable.  Because I was away from work, I stayed late to make up some lost time.  I came home and sat in my lounge chair in the backyard, and read for a little bit; made dinner, had my shower, and generally took care of me.  After, I read some more, finishing my story called "Leaving Unknown" - a cute story about a girl who felt she was losing her way, but eventually life came full circle and she found her way again.  



That's pretty much how I feel as well -- thinking I was losing my way for a while, but its coming back around.  

Sometimes its just a matter of finding a certain key or two in our own minds that help us open the next door.  

Here's hoping you find your own key 

to open your next door.

Hamsters go nowhere

I'm defeated.

I'm tired of being a hamster 

running on a wheel that goes nowhere.

I'm usually so positive, so full of hope. 

but that's gone....

My world has always been a little on the small side,

keeping my head down, low profile ....

looks like its going to be that way even more.

So if I don't write for a while, don't worry, 

I've got things to do, places to go, people to see

as they say.  I've got to get a handle on things,

I haven't been doing that very well lately.

Time to take care of me.