Outta Whack

Something's not right.  We've all felt that way from time to time. 
I hate that feeling like there's ... another shoe about to drop.

Maybe I find myself feeling that way when too many things are going on.  Or maybe not enough things are going on!  Back in the day, I was raising six kids, and every day had plenty of things that needed doing on a regular basis.  Now that it's just me at home, I often feel .... bored.  Or that I'm waiting for "the next thing".  In the meantime, I use my days off to recuperate and rest.  But is that truly living?  I find myself wondering that often.  I'll admit, there are some days off where I feel like all I'm doing is prepping my life - ie doing laundry and clean up chores - so that I can make it through the next week of work.  Definitely not living.

Added to these feelings of being off, I've been plagued by dreams.  I've taken to writing down what I feel are key words when a dream wakes me up.  The latest I can recall is in the first dream image there's a male figure in my life, and I'm looking at my phone.  It's telling me "I don't have time to train you today."   The three words I wrote down for this is "train, bbq, and cement".   I don't have any recall on a bbq or any cement, other than a vague image of lots of cement in the backyard, with a built in bbq.  Was there a feeling a party or event was going to happen?  Does that explain why there's "no time to train"?    The second image I had was much more vivid.  There were two white horses who had just walked up a dirt road.  As I looked down the dirt road, I could see it curved to the right.  On the right side of the dirt road was grasses or meadow, on the left side, a small strip of meadow and then trees.  Not deep dark forest type, but more narrow trunks, leafy, letting a lot of sunlight through.   The two white horses stopped off to the left of me, one munching on grass, the other looking backward where it came from, watching a white buffalo coming up the road at a slow leisurely walk.  Behind it, another white horse.  As they came up the road, I began swimming down the road, toward the curve.  I was swimming with the current of the water, it felt like a river, but there were no rocks, only a clear tunnel of water. 

Of course, being me and trying to find meaning where maybe there truly isn't one, I checked out some dream interpretation sites, and chose these few sentences from them:

• White Horse – White horses in a dream indicates your spiritual awareness but you are down to earth in your outlook. They symbolize prosperity, good luck, and purity.
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• To dream of the sacred White Buffalo is the most coveted of dreams, as the appearance of the creature connotes abundance, prosperity and serves as a good omen for the dreamer.
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• Dirt road: following your instinct or your gut or repeating old patterns – can indicate the rekindling of an old relationship or someone from your past coming back into your life.
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• Water in dreams is a symbol of subconscious feelings and emotions. Maybe your dream about swimming is a sign of trying to manage some emotions and feelings, which are not comfortable for you.  Swimming in a river generally means that it is time for a new start in life. If the river current was flowing fast and pushing you along then this is a positive omen.

Most times, dreams leave me with a feeling of ... comfort.  I deal with it in my mind as if a good friend came to tell me things I need to know, using imagery instead of words.  Sometimes, I wish it was just words, so that I could read instead of trying to interpret!

The latest in the saga of Elvis, he has decided that it would be better for him if he worked in another store.  All of us totally agreed!   We shall see what happens, but I think the worst of it (for me) is over with for good.  HooRay!

Doe, A Deer

When Deer jumps in as your Spirit Animal,

She acts as a reminder of the

power of love and compassion.

Perhaps there is a situation in your life

to which you've become apathetic or

perceive in a negative light. ...

Deer spirit also teaches us that

peace is a powerful healer.







To get myself geared up for what's coming, I headed to the Superstition Mountains this morning.  I felt like I needed a break from routine, to take a few minutes to pause, ground myself, refresh my energy.  I drove up to a favorite spot where you can park and walk close to the mountain. 

As I stood there, I was aware that I couldn't hear any of the sounds of the city, only the breeze softly blowing and the beat of my own heart.  I could feel the tension beginning to drain when I heard some hoof beats.  Assuming it was someone on a horse (lots of horse trails in this area), I poised my camera and started skimming the area, and found myself looking at three deer - two female and one male.  This one paused just long enough to look at me.  *click*click*click* I started taking photos as they ran off the other side of the hill. 

When I looked up the deer as a spirit animal, it made me wonder if this has to do with the ongoing saga with Elvis at work.  I went to the mountain to re-energize to make it through the first week that I know will be filled with anxiety.  And this is a good reminder that I need to be strong, and maintain my peace.  To not let this person's negative energy invade my own space.  Or mind, for that matter!

“Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. 

Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. 

The winds will blow their own freshness into you, 

and the storms their energy, 

while cares will drop away from you like the leaves of Autumn.”

17 Years

Well.  I reached another year 

at my BigBox Store.

17 years!!!

And that group of workers

right there ----->>>

Yep, that's my coworkers!

Done, So Done

They told me today that Elvis
will be back in the building.
Again.

O. M. G.

How many times can a company terminate an employee, only to have it overturned yet again?
This is the third time he's had a termination overturned.

I know that there are always issues between management and employees; that how one person interprets what they're being told isn't always how management meant for it to be said.  But when you follow a company protocol in having all your "ducks lined up", when your policy states that after you receive a certain number of corrections, you're terminated.  They could be for job performance, disrespect for an individual (management or fellow employee), attendance.

People need to be held accountable.  When you're being told that the rules are A, B and C, then you follow those rules;  if you choose not to follow those rules, something must be done to change your course of action.

Elvis has broken performance rules; he has been disrespectful to both management and fellow employees; he has harassed some of the other females in the building - but is lucky enough that there's no one else around to corroborate the story.  And, because of his intimidation factors, most of the other females are reluctant to make a statement because they are afraid of him.

Personally, I want nothing to do with him ever again. 
I will be doing a 'duck and cover' to avoid crossing paths with him. 
Should he attempt a conversation with me, you can bet my phone will be recording it!

"Mama always told me that I should play nice

but she didn't know you when she gave me that advice........"

Thats Me

so I headed into work today

when I arrived, the time clock said

"this is not your scheduled work time"

but I clocked in anyways

because I thought I was just early

About halfway through my shift

I realized that I was supposed to be OFF today.

Yep.  That's me.

Silly Blonde.

Results

Results happen over time, not overnight.

I repeat that to myself often.  But I've come to realize that results don't happen if you aren't willing to make a change.  Any change.  A little change.  A lot of change. An entire 180 directional change.  But you have to be willing to make a change, first.

I have three goals currently: 

• To get my mile time on the treadmill back down to a 15 minute mile.  Tough when you're carrying an extra 50 pounds around!  
• To increase my flexibility.  Where does it go as we age?  There sure isn't a miracle pill for this!
• To choose water over Diet Coke every time.

None of these are overly complicated goals, certainly doable *IF* I'm willing to put in the time and effort.  But how easy is it to reach for a Diet Coke when you're starting yet another frustrating stressful day at work?  And skipping out on the gym for a quick 30 minute lunch break because there's too much work that needs doing?  Or getting home from work, tired and cranky, finding yourself vegging in front of the TV with a cold salad, followed by a cool shower and more TV at bedtime? 

Yep.  That's me. 

So why is it that every morning I jump on the scale hoping against hope that the number has decreased?  I'd be happy with just a few tenths of a pound -- each day, of course.  But I keep having this hope while knowing that I haven't committed to making the actual changes needed for this to happen -- or to reach any of my goals. 



We've all heard - or used! - excuses: 

There's no time.  I'm too fat.  It's too hot.  It's too cold.

No matter your excuses, you know you should be doing something to change things up in order to get results.   No matter what your goal is, or how big or small it is, every little change you make will bring results.

Now quit reading and get out there, take that next step!
I am.

Family Stories

It's funny how when something .... out of the ordinary is going on, it affects many different things.  Lately, I've been dredging up old memories and trying to tell the story of what happened with my daughter and "the sperm donor" of my granddaughter.   His name was Tony, and he was a piece of work -- one of those fast talking, thinks he's so smooth kind of guys.  Always a story about the next big $core coming his way. 

All of this was 17 years ago.  There's a part of me who wants to agree with how my grandmother handled personal history:  what's in the past should stay in the past! is what she would tell me.  But with my interest in all the parts of genealogy, I get that it's important to know things.  Personally, being able to track the daughter, mother, grandmother, great grandmother ...... well, the line itself is good to know, I've always been after the part where there's "more to the story".

I have many old black and white photos of my grandmother and her family. But nothing tells about why the photo was taken, or if it was for an occasion.  Sisters all dressed in black and looking sad -- was it for a funeral?  Who's funeral?  I'm a big believer in making sure I write about each photo I take because someone may want to know!  Or maybe I'm one of the rare odd ones???  We'll never know.


All that said, it's for these reasons that I've agreed to share my part of the story with my granddaughter.  And with whomever ends up reading this blog in the future.

Dear B:   I understand your having questions about your father, and the need to know a little something about him.  I'll tell you that I got the OK from your mom first of all to answer what I can about him.  I won't call him your "dad", because he never was a dad.  A dad is someone who loves you, takes care of you.  You know all about a dad, because you have A now, and that's a real dad. 

In truth, I have no idea where Tony is now.  And as much as I can understand your wanting to know, I'm not sure you'll be happy with very much of what I have to say about him.  I don't want to skim the surface with a name and a few facts.  I think the story leading up to when you were born is important for you to know.  I'm just not sure you're ready or wanting to hear the things that need to be said. 

While we are all created by the two people who made us, the person we really are happens because of the people around us, who love us, help us to grow and learn, help us to be who we're meant to be.  And in truth, he wasn't a part of any of that, in any way. 

His name is Tony.  I don't know where your mom met him, but Hamilton, Ohio is a small town.

To start the story, I'm going to tell you about your mom:

When your mom turned 18, she was very happy with her newfound freedom.  She was working part time at Meijer's (a store similar to Walmart).  She had graduated from high school, and it was time to find her way into adulthood.  But as with every teenager, sometimes you make bad decisions.

One night, she decided to go out "cruising" with her friend in her TBird.  This is definitely a road car, not a car made for driving dirt or gravel roads out in the country.  Because I'm the Mom, I am not certain if there was some alcohol consumed that affected her decision making.  But she decided to drive her car on the mountain of dirt behind the local Walmart store.  The car got stuck in some very deep potholes; the road up and down again was muddy because of the rain.  It took a tow truck to get her car out of there.

This was just an example of how a "good time" can easily turn into a bad situation because what feels right to us in our teen years isn't always what's best for us in the long run.  (And yes, she was grounded from driving; we removed the wheels from the car and locked them up!!)

It was shortly after this that she met Tony.  Being as headstrong as she was, she was sure he was "all that" and then some!  Being a parent means letting your kids have a little freedom while still trying to guide them to be the best person they could be.  That was my job.  And when I was introduced to Tony, I didn't see him as "all that" like your mom did, but I tried to be patient, and see what happens.  I tried to see the good things that your mom saw.  But I didn't like that he was a smooth talker, trying to talk fast and impress people with things that we found out weren't true in the end.  I didn't trust him much, but trusted your mom.  I think she saw him through "love goggles" and couldn't see the bigger picture.

Your mom was busy working, but Tony didn't have a job.  And to me that didn't sit right.  (Personally, I think a relationship needs to have balance between the two persons in a relationship.)  And it didn't seem like that was the case.  Thanksgiving came along and Tony had dinner with our family.   I have a picture from this day, but I'll have to dig it up on my next day off.

As for the off road experience your mom had, I got side tracked and forgot why I included that little tidbit in my little story.  First, can you see your mom deciding to take her little blue car out on rough terrain roads?   Lol, no, I can't either.  That's because as we get older and mature, we make better decisions than what we make when we're just 18, because we can see the bigger picture.   Sometimes our actions affect other people around us, and our little teenage brains don't comprehend that until later in life.  My point about that is when you have your first "real love" it can feel like such a great thing when in fact, the "love goggles" part makes us kind of blind to the real truth about things, about the circumstance and sometimes about the other person and how they really are. 

I'm sure you've come across friends at school who seem like they're fun to hang with, but when you watch them close, you can see that they're sometimes mean in their comments about another person, or that they tell little lies or spread rumors.  "Love goggles" make you blind to those kinds of things.

To answer your question, I know that Tony was in prison because he committed crime(s).  What his term in prison was for at this time, I would only be venturing a guess based on events that happened. 

I'm sure you'll let me know when you're ready for more of the story.

Love, 

Grandma

I Knew One Day ......

My granddaughter is turning 16 this year.  And while I was dreading this moment for her, I've realized that it was bound to happen.  She's been asking questions about "her real dad".  She decided to ask me, because her mom hasn't been too forthcoming with information.  Of course, I got permission from her mom to talk with her about this man.  All these years, we've just referred to him as a sperm donor.  Because he hasn't ever been interested in her or to be a part of her life. 

It's weird to go back so many years and try to recall all the why's and what-happened's. 
But I'm trying to find a way to make it both interesting and truthful.  The first thing I told her is that I'll only call him by his name.  In no way has he ever been a "dad" to her.  I'm also reassuring her that this man is not "the other half" of her; that who we are comes from the people who have loved us, nurtured and cared for us as we're growing up.  A dad is someone who loves unconditionally and is a part of their child's life. 

It sure isn't easy dredging up all the
old thoughts, but my granddaughter
is worth it,
so it needs to be done.

Wish me luck!

Be Still My Heart

As it is every morning (on a work day), I rolled out of bed and got ready for the day.  Walking Sadie around the block (it's 1/3 mile) - it's what I do every day before I leave for work.  Today was no different.

We arrived back home, and I began gathering my things for lunch when I heard a knock at the front door.  Who the Hell? At this hour??   Sadie goes nuts, barking and carrying on.  I get a little nervous and peek out the window - some guy with long hair.  Not one of my neighbors, but could it be one of those sales people???? Ugh.  I didn't do anything, just stood, waiting, hoping he would go away.



Then I heard the doorknob rattle!!
And I freak.
I grabbed the knob, locking the lock and
slamming the dead bolt into place.
Then I grabbed my phone from my pocket
as I hollered "GO AWAY!!!"



The next thing I hear is "Hey Mommmmmmmmm" .

O.M.G.

It's my son.

I tried to laugh, but the adrenaline is pumping through me.
My hands and legs are still shaky.
Yeah, going to work isn't going to happen just yet.

It took about 20 minutes before I could start on my way to work.
That's definitely not the way to jump start your day!
I had to grab a Diet Coke as soon as I got to work!!!