Heart Aches

Dear Brian,
There's no way to describe to another person how it feels when you lose someone you love.  It's never a fun feeling, and I've had my share of lost loves (ie husbands! lol) over the years.  But it's different when it's your child.  It's as if someone evil has reached into my chest and ripped out a piece of my heart.  Yes, it's actually a physical pain that I feel, especially when I am up in the wee hours of the night waiting for Sadie to do her business.  It's not really sadness or grief as we expect it to be, or have experienced in the past.  I can feel the piece of you that was within me is gone, and there's an empty place there, with raw edges and pain.

I've been moving on, however, as best I can.  I'm going through the scrapbooks and getting more photos of you scanned into the computer so they can be shared.  Or maybe it's so I can look at them whenever I want to.  I know they're in my memory, but seeing the photos brings back so many parts of you!  I didn't realize you had our family trait - the one where we stick the tip of our tongue out when we're concentrating real hard.  I laugh every time I see someone do it:  Grandma does it, I know I do it, Tanya does it, even you did it!

I stopped in at HD today - everyone was busy!  they're considered "essential workers" in this COVID-19 pandemic.  Bought some paint; when they put on a new roof, there was one place that needed some new plywood, so that needs painting dark brown.  Then I bought paint to start painting the back of the house and the trim, because it needs it again!  Of course I get two days off in a row, and the temps soar to over 100 before it's even May 1!   So early morning painting when it's cool out, and have to stretch it out over a few days off, but it will get done eventually!

I found a quote in the far reaches of my desk today:

     May the Sun bring you new energy by day.
     May the Moon softly restore you by night.
     May the Rain wash away your worries.
     May the Breeze blow new strength into your being.
     May you walk gently through the world
              and know it's beauty all the days of your life.
                          ----Apache Blessing

Wherever you are ....
I'll always love you
Mom

Just a Little Too Much

Between normal work stuff that keeps me very busy, when you add in the COVID-19 stuff going on, things get a little more out of whack. 

Every day there are changes being made.  On the one hand, politicos are trying to determine when to re-instate things "back to normal".  On the other hand, others are saying this isn't over yet and making policies to match.  At work, we are now being mandated to wear face masks.  I attempted to comply today, but boy are they uncomfortable!  When I'm doing what I do, I'm active, and breathing through a mask, I find I have to slow down because each breath is a little smaller than normal. 

Frankly, I've never liked having my nose covered - not by blankets or anything else!  This mask just adds a little bit more anxiety when having it covered.

But back to my original topic:  There are so many things going on, so many changes that happen hour by hour that in order to stay on top of things, I now keep a To Do list.  Well, two actually:  one for home and one for work.  Writing it down ensures that things get done in a timely manner.  But the biggest thing is that something important doesn't get forgotten!! 

When I start thinking about how things are, about how I'm doing with things, I can only shake my head.  I now shop in a way I've never shopped before.  On nearly a daily basis, I'm checking to see what's in stock in the store, and what I can make for meals out of what's available.  It's rather a hardship for me because I'm very old school; I used to shop once a week and then job done!  I miss being able to do that.  It was easier to keep track of what is being spent!  Some days, I get things for less than $15.  And other days it can be much more than that!  At the end of the week, I'm unsure just how much is getting spent!!

Because we're being inundated with updates and new information every few hours, it feels as if the world is spinning out of control at times.  However, it may not feel like it at all for those of you who are doing the "shelter in place".  Me, I'm "essential" and am still going to work every day.   All of this seems just a little too much to handle!

Stay safe and healthy and sane out there!

Desert Rain

Last week, we had a bit of rain late at night.  I had gotten up to take Sadie out at around 2am.  There was a cool breeze, and the minute I opened the door, even in the dark I knew it had rained.  The air was damp, and smelled fresh and clean.  The smell of a wet desert is like nothing else.  It comes from the creosote bush leaves that secrete an oil. (Yep, I checked it on Google!)

Why does creosote smell so good?  It's the result of many compounds:  terpene (found in pines) limonene (citrus), camphor (pines and rosemary), methanol (wood alcohol) and 2-undecanone (spices)

For me, I think it's the pine and rosemary smells that appeal to me.

This is the creosote bush in bloom.  They are all over here in our desert!

I can't wait for our monsoon season to start ... more rains coming our way!

High's & Low's

Emotional highs and lows this past week!

• My son's birthday - the first one without him
• My dad's birthday - he's been gone 5 years now
• Re-fi'd the house in order to take money out of equity and invest in some home repairs:  a new roof and a new AC unit.  
• Tax refund received
• Stimulus check received

It's not easy, all these things called "adulting".

I realize that no one said it would be easy.  

When I was younger, on days when I was very down, I would question why God would give me two children with special needs, and the answer that always came back was "because you can handle this".  In my wise(r) old age, I don't ask this question any more because I am certain I'd get the same answer:  because you can handle this.  

Well, I'm handling it, but it's not always easy! 

I have my moments where I want to just give up and be done.  But there's always something else that needs doing, and you just keep moving forward, one step, one day at a time.  

And it's the little things that need doing that keep me going each day.

Someday We'll Look Back

COVID-19 has brought us all kinds of strange news, strange behavior and even strange people!

Of course, in any BigBoxStore, you see it all.

There are those who think they're immune and seem completely unaware that others are aren't comfortable with folks who step right up into their personal space to ask where something is.  Or to complain that there isn't TP, or sanitizer, or masks. 

Then there are those who come up with some strange things in the stores.  I've seen a woman who insisted that her kids wear face masks and gloves along with lining the edges of the cart with blankets before putting them in the cart -- and yet she didn't wear a mask or gloves herself!  I watched a woman today who wore a mask and then wore her sweater on her front so that the sleeves were long enough to prevent her from touching anything with bare hands.  I've seen several people who have the masks tied onto their faces, but leave it so slack it doesn't cover their nose or mouth -- because their chin might catch 'rona?? 

Yes, I am at work every day.  And yes, I am careful about washing my hands and using my sanitizer on regular basis.  I try not to touch things that are touched often by others. When I'm forced to use a keypad for some reason or another, I use my knuckle not the pad of my fingers -- I've suddenly become aware that I am a finger-licker and am in the process of breaking that habit as well.  When I get home from work each night, I strip in the garage and leave my clothes in the washer.  (Sadie always gives me the tilted head look as if to say "What are you doing??"

It occurred to me that here in AZ, there were probably several weddings planned for the month of April -- all that planning and pre-paying are now down the drain?  Postponed?  Yikes. Weddings are stressful enough without having to un-do and then re-do later.

My days off can feel pretty stressful as well.  I'm busy washing clothes and bedding.  My days off are separated, so I'm doing it all twice every week.  I have a steam mop that I run across all my floors, I wipe down kitchen and bathroom counters with alcohol after I've cleaned.  I'm not sure my house has ever been *this* clean before .... but we do what we gotta do.

I keep wondering how we'll all look back on this. 

It seems as life changing as the gas lines in 1979
during the oil crisis.  Sitting for an hour (or more) in line
waiting for your turn at the pump.  Your car was either
"even or odd" based on your license plate, and that determined
what day you could line up for gas.   I was lucky, I worked for
a forklift dealership, and all our vehicles gassed up at the
corner Chevron station.  The attendants all knew us, and
the wait wasn't *so* bad.  My El Camino had commercial
plates, and commercial vehicles were exempt from the
"even or odd". 

And now, during another crisis, I'm working at a BigBoxStore.  And while I dislike shopping after work, I am at a store nearly every day, and I've not suffered without any necessary supplies.  Except cheese.  There was a day I ran out of shredded cheese and couldn't buy any for 3 days.  But a slice always worked in a pinch!  lol  We have a dedicated shopping hour every other Friday from 6-7am and are allowed to shop a freshly stocked store, and that's been a real blessing!  Especially for toilet paper.  hahaha

Heavenly Birthday

Dear Brian,

Here it is, your birthday .... Happy Birthday in heaven!

It's a sad day for me, and a rough one as well. 
I miss you.
Every day.

I know that feeling won't ever go away, it's just something I have to live with.

The AC guys are here installing the new unit. It took the crane guy exactly 12 minutes from drive up, removing the old unit and putting the new one on the roof.  He's got a pretty good gig ... no heavy lifting, just precise driving!   There are two installers, they are even installing new duct work and a programmable thermostat.  Yep, it was a pretty penny, but it's going to be worth it. 

As I sit here waiting for the guys to finish up, I can't help thinking about all the birthdays in the past.  You and I were never about doing things with people very often.  A fav dinner like steak and potatoes, with an ice cold beer was usually enough for us.  Or better yet, a pepperoni pizza and some Pepsi.

I'm moving on a little bit each day, but it's not always easy.
Things come up, things need doing, and my first thought is "call Brian". 
And then it hits me all over again.
And I miss you even more.

In my mind, I hug you every time the ache gets to be too strong

*happy birthday hugs*
Love,
mom

Social Distancing, et al

Another day, and day XX of this strange quarantine the world is under due to COVID-19.  There are posts, announcements, newscasts -- in whatever way they can, they are advising people to shelter in place.  It's been going on for a while.  Schools in Arizona were cancelled on March 15, and it was extended through the end of the school year.  Students are being home schooled, and/or doing their lessons on line.  Many parents' jobs are suspended; only those who are considered "essential" are working as usual (yes, that includes me at my BigBoxStore).

But I have to say that while announcements in the media about what they are doing to keep their workers safe make it sound good, it's really not.  And I'm ashamed that they would portray things one way and not admit to the reality.  The plexiglass shield between cashiers and customer hasn't happened yet.  They're limiting customers who come in the doors based on the square footage of a store.  But the reality is the Tire Lube Express is completely shut down so that footage shouldn't count.  Most people aren't shopping the entire garden center, that shouldn't count.  And truthfully, the back 1/4 of the footage is backroom space, and that shouldn't count either!   Based on the square footage of the store, 1500 shoppers could be in the store at one time.  We are more around the 500 mark, but that is too may people at a time! 

The ones who are shopping aren't getting 'essentials' -- they're relieving their boredom, having an outing with their kids (who tend to touch everything!) , even meeting up with other family members and having a reunion!  Shoppers try to approach me, want me to look at their phone even, because they're trying to find something.  SIX FEET, PEOPLE!! 

And yet, each day I go to work because I know that what I do is needed by the community and I want to do my part. 

It's extremely frustrating;  I am not easily aggravated, but it's getting worse.
and I fear my tongue will get the better of me!!

Schoolgirl Crush

Way back in the dark ages .... ok, maybe not *that* long ago.  But back when I was in the fourth grade, circa 1969, I got a schoolgirl crush on John F.  He was one of the nicest boys in class, and I passed his house on my walk to school.  I figured out what time I needed to leave so that I'd be walking by his house when he was leaving for school.  Some days, when I timed it right, we walked together!

Of course, it was all one sided, and just in my head, but those schoolgirl crushes were important!  I read that a typical schoolgirl crush lasts about four months.  Yep, that is probably what mine lasted as well.  But it's funny, that first crush seems to be important when it comes to finding love later in life.

While John F and I went through our school years together, and graduated from the same high school, our paths didn't often cross based on our interests and life goals.  But he was that guy always willing to say "hi", one of the nice ones!   Many years later, at our 25th reunion, I'd had my share of drinks and confessed my schoolgirl crush to him!  We had a really good laugh!  (His wife is a great gal, and they're perfect for each other!)



Now, another 15 years after that, social media has brought Wilcox High School classmates together, and we bond and share things on FaceBook.  Today, he sent me a "HI" and it made me smile all over again. 

Yep, he's still one of the good guys!

Class of '77 RULES!

What a World!

Dear Brian,

Today, I scheduled to have a new AC unit put on the roof next week.  And I realized it will be on your birthday.  Another "first" without you.  And it hurts.

I've been following the "12 Weeks of Peace" program put out by NationalCremation.com.  It's been an awesome resource, but the final word on it all: 

• "This is the end of our journey (84 days), but it is not the end of yours. You will grieve, heal, mourn, cry, and recover over and over again for the rest of your life. We spoke earlier about saying goodbye to a loved one in the sense of accepting their death, but you will never say goodbye to them from your life."

I've learned that you will be in my heart forever, and no one can take that away from me.  I also feel it's my job to keep you remembered, by writing to you, about you, and posting on your FB page. 

But all that aside, you're missing a quite intensely scary world right now.  We're on curfews and are supposed to stay home to keep COVID-19 from spreading from person to person.  Businesses are shut down, anything deemed "non-essential" ... I wonder if it's lucky that I'm considered essential? ha!  Maybe more like sacrificial is the correct term?  (lol)  Poor Grandma is stuck home alone because her age makes her that much more vulnerable to the virus ... although all things considered, my own age puts me in that same category! Yikes!

I've been having to make and bring my own lunch to work; I eat at my desk to avoid people in the break room.  Management takes our temp before we start our shift to be certain we're not running a fever.  I also take my own temp at bedtime each night, just as a double check.  After work, I come home and go straight to the garage where I strip off my work clothes and shoes, then take my shower.   I have never lived through anything like this!

But even with all of this going on, you're still in my thoughts a hundred times a day.  Something funny will happen and my first thought is sharing it with you, just like always. 

You're always there with me in my heart,
and in spirit.
Love you always,
Mom