Heavenly Birthday

Dear Brian,

Here it is, your birthday .... Happy Birthday in heaven!

It's a sad day for me, and a rough one as well. 
I miss you.
Every day.

I know that feeling won't ever go away, it's just something I have to live with.

The AC guys are here installing the new unit. It took the crane guy exactly 12 minutes from drive up, removing the old unit and putting the new one on the roof.  He's got a pretty good gig ... no heavy lifting, just precise driving!   There are two installers, they are even installing new duct work and a programmable thermostat.  Yep, it was a pretty penny, but it's going to be worth it. 

As I sit here waiting for the guys to finish up, I can't help thinking about all the birthdays in the past.  You and I were never about doing things with people very often.  A fav dinner like steak and potatoes, with an ice cold beer was usually enough for us.  Or better yet, a pepperoni pizza and some Pepsi.

I'm moving on a little bit each day, but it's not always easy.
Things come up, things need doing, and my first thought is "call Brian". 
And then it hits me all over again.
And I miss you even more.

In my mind, I hug you every time the ache gets to be too strong

*happy birthday hugs*
Love,
mom

805

Extra cheesy pizza and two 805 beers for dinner .... and it feels good!  Ok.  Mostly good!  Because I know two things:  I may regret this tomorrow, and I can't drive to the park.  lol

I had a very intense dream last night, but I'll have to update you tomorrow when I decipher my notes.  Ended up getting too busy with chores today, and tonight, I'm not sure I could read my handwriting.



But I've become a bit .... morose?  I'm not sure of the word I'm looking for.  Ok, I googled, yep, morose fits.  And I feel like the people in my life just don't care.  Maybe I should correct that to the family in my life.    I'm somewhat of a hermit, and I choose to be one.  I don't deal well with people.  I have three failed marriages.  Don't take that to mean that I feel like *I* am the one who failed, but they didn't last so they failed. 

I use this blog to tell my little stories of life.  Someday it may matter to someone.  If my daughter reads this, it's not told to make you feel guilty.  We can't change what was.  We can only react to what is, or what's to come.  I know my "situation" is of my own making.   Like... I moved to Arizona to be closer to family.  But that doesn't change anything.  I have family who visit Arizona and never drop a line, lets meet for lunch, etc.  That's how it is.  And I've become complacent about what they do -- or rather, don't do.  The only updates I get regarding my siblings comes from my mother.  When she's gone?  It will just. be. me. 

I keep thinking "maybe I need to find a man ..." and it takes only two seconds before my response is "no fuckin' way".  Yes, I still believe in love, in the commitment that comes between two people, but for me, I don't see it happening.  I have been so screwed over in the past, I have started over with very little three separate times, and I will *not* go through that again.  Finding a man who could fit in my life?  seems impossible any more. 

But I must think it's possible.  And may be my unconscious desire to actually have some one in my life, because I dream it often.  Going through these last 20+ years I hope to have with someone else to help along the way would be really, really nice.  But finding that right one seems an impossible task.  So I don't.

Because I googled, here is the definitive answer:  "If you want to start a relationship with a good man in your sixties, you have to know where to find them. Good men will never come knocking at your door, so you have to go out there to look for them. Fascinating and marvelous men are out there doing fantastic things and not sitting somewhere waiting for you to come into their lives. Therefore the secret of finding the guy of your dreams is doing the things you love."

Sometimes it's just easier to do things on your own than it is to do things because you're looking for a man.  And the facts of life are, men in their 60s can easily date a woman in her 40s.  And most of them look a heck of a lot better than me!  But don't worry, I know I'm a catch -- if someone is willing to take the time ..... *sigh*

Ok.  Morose time over. 
Is there another ice cold 805 in the house???