Dear Brian,
There's no way to describe to another person how it feels when you lose someone you love. It's never a fun feeling, and I've had my share of lost loves (ie husbands! lol) over the years. But it's different when it's your child. It's as if someone evil has reached into my chest and ripped out a piece of my heart. Yes, it's actually a physical pain that I feel, especially when I am up in the wee hours of the night waiting for Sadie to do her business. It's not really sadness or grief as we expect it to be, or have experienced in the past. I can feel the piece of you that was within me is gone, and there's an empty place there, with raw edges and pain.
I've been moving on, however, as best I can. I'm going through the scrapbooks and getting more photos of you scanned into the computer so they can be shared. Or maybe it's so I can look at them whenever I want to. I know they're in my memory, but seeing the photos brings back so many parts of you! I didn't realize you had our family trait - the one where we stick the tip of our tongue out when we're concentrating real hard. I laugh every time I see someone do it: Grandma does it, I know I do it, Tanya does it, even you did it!
I stopped in at HD today - everyone was busy! they're considered "essential workers" in this COVID-19 pandemic. Bought some paint; when they put on a new roof, there was one place that needed some new plywood, so that needs painting dark brown. Then I bought paint to start painting the back of the house and the trim, because it needs it again! Of course I get two days off in a row, and the temps soar to over 100 before it's even May 1! So early morning painting when it's cool out, and have to stretch it out over a few days off, but it will get done eventually!
I found a quote in the far reaches of my desk today:
May the Sun bring you new energy by day.
May the Moon softly restore you by night.
May the Rain wash away your worries.
May the Breeze blow new strength into your being.
May you walk gently through the world
and know it's beauty all the days of your life.
----Apache Blessing
Wherever you are ....
I'll always love you
Mom
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