Today I turned 61 years young --- or maybe by now it's 61 years old. More often than ever before I feel old over feeling young. Today I spent the day not doing much of anything, and used the time to do some reflecting. It's been a very rough 2020, and it's also been a few very rough years. I lost my father, my aunt, my son and my sister. And it makes me shudder to think "What's next???"
I phoned my doctor's office and made an appointment for an annual physical. While I'm feeling fine, I have moments of panic. Both my dad and my sister died from cancer, and yes, that makes me feel a little bit freaked out at times.
At the same time, with these losses, I'm protective of my mother, and wondering if I should move there to take care of her? I admit, I HATE the idea of living in Calif again. But how can she continue to take care of her big house by herself? Although I'm getting older too, and might not be much help either. But I can still tackle a bit more than she can. I think.
It's daunting to think about all the changes that are ahead of me.
I want to keep my house, it's in a good location.
I keep my thoughts positive.
Most of the time.
Sometimes it isn't easy.
That's when I plug in to some tunes and take a turn on The Beast.
Happy Natal Day to me!
Wednesday, July 29, 2020
Friday, July 24, 2020
Face Book
I took Facebook off my phone. I found I was checking it many times a day, many more times than I needed! And with this being a big voting year, I was already tired of seeing the political ads. Add in family members who likes to post their own politico opinions as well ..... ugh. It's too much.
Added to that, most of my family doesn't make posts of the kind I like to see, photos or thoughts about what's going on in their lives.
After 5 days, I'm finding that I don't miss it. In fact, I think I'm much happier not seeing what I'd been seeing! And I definitely didn't need to see an ad for something every 3rd post. I especially hated those misleading blurbs that wanted you to click so you could read about some current event, but when you clicked, the story you wanted to see wasn't really there. To me, that was BS.
It's quite a relief to have it gone!
Since I went that first step, I also have begun the process of "unsubscribing" to all the crazy companies who send me email. To me, this is another good step toward simplifying my life. Who needs 30-40 emails each day? Ugh, too much
It's amazing how all this relatively new technology begins taking over our lives!
So I decided to take a stand and take some of my life back.
Will I be successful?
Who knows, but I think in the long run, I'll be happier!
Added to that, most of my family doesn't make posts of the kind I like to see, photos or thoughts about what's going on in their lives.
After 5 days, I'm finding that I don't miss it. In fact, I think I'm much happier not seeing what I'd been seeing! And I definitely didn't need to see an ad for something every 3rd post. I especially hated those misleading blurbs that wanted you to click so you could read about some current event, but when you clicked, the story you wanted to see wasn't really there. To me, that was BS.
It's quite a relief to have it gone!
Since I went that first step, I also have begun the process of "unsubscribing" to all the crazy companies who send me email. To me, this is another good step toward simplifying my life. Who needs 30-40 emails each day? Ugh, too much
It's amazing how all this relatively new technology begins taking over our lives!
So I decided to take a stand and take some of my life back.
Will I be successful?
Who knows, but I think in the long run, I'll be happier!
Wednesday, July 22, 2020
Crazy Daze
Dear Brian,
It seems like there's never enough time to sit and put my thoughts down here. It doesn't mean I don't think of you, and frankly, while I tell people I talk to Sadie, most of what I "tell her" are things I'd be telling you. So maybe you're listening every now and then so I don't have to write every detail out.
If you have been listening, you know that things are family crazy right now Antie lost her fight with cancer and took her wings. But in the meantime, I think it's making the family crazy. I went off the deep end and got all over their cases because they all went off and "did their own thing", leaving Grandma home alone, 4 days after her own daughter had died. After hearing her in tears on the phone, I was livid. You know how I get when I'm like that. hahaha
Arrangements have finally been made, and we're all trying to make things work from our end. With any luck .... what with all the COVID its hard to know what's actually able to happen, California being on lockdown still. I picked out a dress and I'm going to wear the necklace you gave me. Whenever I wear it, I feel closer to you. :)
I miss you each and every day.
And I wish you were here.
It seems like there's never enough time to sit and put my thoughts down here. It doesn't mean I don't think of you, and frankly, while I tell people I talk to Sadie, most of what I "tell her" are things I'd be telling you. So maybe you're listening every now and then so I don't have to write every detail out.
If you have been listening, you know that things are family crazy right now Antie lost her fight with cancer and took her wings. But in the meantime, I think it's making the family crazy. I went off the deep end and got all over their cases because they all went off and "did their own thing", leaving Grandma home alone, 4 days after her own daughter had died. After hearing her in tears on the phone, I was livid. You know how I get when I'm like that. hahaha
Arrangements have finally been made, and we're all trying to make things work from our end. With any luck .... what with all the COVID its hard to know what's actually able to happen, California being on lockdown still. I picked out a dress and I'm going to wear the necklace you gave me. Whenever I wear it, I feel closer to you. :)
I miss you each and every day.
And I wish you were here.
Sunday, July 19, 2020
Family Frustrations
Does your family frustrate you?? It's not the little things that become so frustrating, I can usually overlook those kinds of things. But my sis died a week ago. When I called, I asked if I should travel to help with things. "Nope! Not necessary, nothing you can do right now". Ok. But then I find out that my brother and his family all left town for a long weekend. That left my mother home alone. If they had been up front with me, I'd have been there. But nope!
I blew up my phone texting family who lives near her to see if someone could stop in. Out of her son and four grandsons, only one was able to dash over. And he had a huge hangover.
Have family values changed that much over the years? I was raised that family comes first; when a tragedy happens, your schedule changes. Your drop your social things in order to take care of whatever needs doing during a difficult time. I guess people who are younger than me weren't raised that way.
What makes it so difficult for everyone to be on the same page, to come together, when something awful happens?
Is it a shift in society priorities?
Do we think of ourselves first more often than we used to?
Will the pendulum swing back the other way at some point in the future?
I certainly hope so; but I probably won't be around long enough. It's just my own wish that young folks find out what's really important when things get tough ---- a family they can count on.
I blew up my phone texting family who lives near her to see if someone could stop in. Out of her son and four grandsons, only one was able to dash over. And he had a huge hangover.
Have family values changed that much over the years? I was raised that family comes first; when a tragedy happens, your schedule changes. Your drop your social things in order to take care of whatever needs doing during a difficult time. I guess people who are younger than me weren't raised that way.
What makes it so difficult for everyone to be on the same page, to come together, when something awful happens?
Is it a shift in society priorities?
Do we think of ourselves first more often than we used to?
Will the pendulum swing back the other way at some point in the future?
I certainly hope so; but I probably won't be around long enough. It's just my own wish that young folks find out what's really important when things get tough ---- a family they can count on.
Friday, July 17, 2020
Too Fast, Standing Still
Life swirls around us; sometimes it seems to go faster than other times. Or maybe that's what happens as we get older. So many things happening at warp speed, and yet we have trouble keeping up.
At the same time, with COVID influencing every aspect of our daily lives right now, so many other things seem at a standstill. And that's making things difficult on many levels.
My sister died 5 days ago. Her request was to be cremated. But with COVID, places are having a backlog, and they say it could be up to 20 days until her cremains will be ready. The cemetery is also on lockdown, only open M, W, and F from 1-4pm. And there's a limit to family only, and up to 20 people for her burial. When you start counting up family, you get to 20 very quickly. Out of town guests and friends are not welcome to be there. Having a celebration of life ceremony, or any kind of funeral is out of the question. For now.
Which means so many things are swirling around, happening so fast, and yet standing still at the same time. It's very frustrating.
I'm trying to be a comfort to my mom. We talk an hour or more every evening. I'm sure it helps a little bit, but would be easier if I were there. But she doesn't want me to travel, to risk my health. I'm not sure what else I can do at this point.
As the "family historian", they've asked me to create a video of photos, a collage of her life, if you will. I'm looking forward to it, but am worried it will prove to be a challenge. As a key person involved in her city's school system for her entire adult life, she touched a lot of lives. Which means every friend has a photo of themselves with her. Editing might be quite the challenge!!
Hurry up and wait. Life is going too fast, and yet we're all waiting.
This is going to be a long autumn.
At the same time, with COVID influencing every aspect of our daily lives right now, so many other things seem at a standstill. And that's making things difficult on many levels.
My sister died 5 days ago. Her request was to be cremated. But with COVID, places are having a backlog, and they say it could be up to 20 days until her cremains will be ready. The cemetery is also on lockdown, only open M, W, and F from 1-4pm. And there's a limit to family only, and up to 20 people for her burial. When you start counting up family, you get to 20 very quickly. Out of town guests and friends are not welcome to be there. Having a celebration of life ceremony, or any kind of funeral is out of the question. For now.
Which means so many things are swirling around, happening so fast, and yet standing still at the same time. It's very frustrating.
I'm trying to be a comfort to my mom. We talk an hour or more every evening. I'm sure it helps a little bit, but would be easier if I were there. But she doesn't want me to travel, to risk my health. I'm not sure what else I can do at this point.
As the "family historian", they've asked me to create a video of photos, a collage of her life, if you will. I'm looking forward to it, but am worried it will prove to be a challenge. As a key person involved in her city's school system for her entire adult life, she touched a lot of lives. Which means every friend has a photo of themselves with her. Editing might be quite the challenge!!
Hurry up and wait. Life is going too fast, and yet we're all waiting.
This is going to be a long autumn.
Tuesday, July 14, 2020
Making Arrangements
No matter how well one plans things out, as we near the end of our lives, there are a million details that need to be seen to. My sister just lost her 3+ years long battle with pancreatic cancer. Although it is my own thought that once it traveled to her liver, that was what caused her to go downhill so quick.
She was a fighter though. She endured many different chemo treatments. When a person thinks "chemo", it's easy to assume that all chemo treatments are the same. They definitely aren't! She was on either 3 or 4 different "cocktails" over the years, each specifically mixed up for her own unique situation. Which was sometimes the cause of chemo treatments being so lengthy. They don't premix them days before your scheduled appointment. When you arrive, that's when the mixology takes place. Some of it kind of boggles the mind.
Each different treatment gave her different side affects. But she endured them and got through the sickest of days afterward, and seemed to bounce back to her old self for a while - until the next treatment.
During each rally back after treatment, she somehow found the strength to keep living her life to the fullest. She took many small vacations, and some extravagant ones: Ireland, Puerto Vallarta, and her favorite place, Trinity Mountain Meadow Resort. She took her sons to Hawaii, a few times to Arizona for Spring Training Baseball. She toughed it out and got to know her first grandson, Zane. He called her Nanni. They were best buds!
But in the end, there came a time where she started feeling worse, and then it all happened so fast. Hospice was arranged, and 3 days later she got her angel wings. Her smile, her joy, her love of life was catchy - and she shared with all those around her.
But with the pandemic, making arrangements for just about anything has been an ordeal. California is a locked down state, and everything takes time, and sometimes special permissions in order to get things accomplished. Which puts everyone in a weird holding pattern for the time being. We predict her memorial service will not be held until this pandemic is over.
She was always in control of things, and had her plans in place. But even with the majority of the plans laid out, there are still so many things that have to be coordinated. And while I have my own estate plans done, I know there are going to be many other decisions and tasks that those left behind will have to deal with. I am trying to learn from my experiences so that there will be less for my daughter to have to think about. But even the best plans aren't complete. And for that, I apologize from the get-go to family.
There isn't any easy way to say it, and most people avoid discussions about the death of a loved one - planned or unexpected - but we are all here for only a brief time. Please do what you can to save your loved ones from having the burden of "guessing" what your last wishes might be. Make a plan, it will give them a direction and guidance as they move through the difficulties that come with a person's death.
She was a fighter though. She endured many different chemo treatments. When a person thinks "chemo", it's easy to assume that all chemo treatments are the same. They definitely aren't! She was on either 3 or 4 different "cocktails" over the years, each specifically mixed up for her own unique situation. Which was sometimes the cause of chemo treatments being so lengthy. They don't premix them days before your scheduled appointment. When you arrive, that's when the mixology takes place. Some of it kind of boggles the mind.
Each different treatment gave her different side affects. But she endured them and got through the sickest of days afterward, and seemed to bounce back to her old self for a while - until the next treatment.
During each rally back after treatment, she somehow found the strength to keep living her life to the fullest. She took many small vacations, and some extravagant ones: Ireland, Puerto Vallarta, and her favorite place, Trinity Mountain Meadow Resort. She took her sons to Hawaii, a few times to Arizona for Spring Training Baseball. She toughed it out and got to know her first grandson, Zane. He called her Nanni. They were best buds!
But in the end, there came a time where she started feeling worse, and then it all happened so fast. Hospice was arranged, and 3 days later she got her angel wings. Her smile, her joy, her love of life was catchy - and she shared with all those around her.
But with the pandemic, making arrangements for just about anything has been an ordeal. California is a locked down state, and everything takes time, and sometimes special permissions in order to get things accomplished. Which puts everyone in a weird holding pattern for the time being. We predict her memorial service will not be held until this pandemic is over.
She was always in control of things, and had her plans in place. But even with the majority of the plans laid out, there are still so many things that have to be coordinated. And while I have my own estate plans done, I know there are going to be many other decisions and tasks that those left behind will have to deal with. I am trying to learn from my experiences so that there will be less for my daughter to have to think about. But even the best plans aren't complete. And for that, I apologize from the get-go to family.
There isn't any easy way to say it, and most people avoid discussions about the death of a loved one - planned or unexpected - but we are all here for only a brief time. Please do what you can to save your loved ones from having the burden of "guessing" what your last wishes might be. Make a plan, it will give them a direction and guidance as they move through the difficulties that come with a person's death.
Thursday, July 9, 2020
Dealing With Loss
Losses are never easy. When someone we love dies, a piece of our heart seems to die as well.
My sister has been battling pancreatic cancer for three years now; there were ups and downs, good times and bad. When first diagnosed, her prognosis was for six to eight months. Being able to have three years has been amazing. She has taken some wonderful trips, and she was there for the first three years of her grandson's life.
The last time we spent time together was my son's memorial service. I didn't know when I saw her a year ago that it would be the last time we would spend time together.
But at the same time, I started pondering our childhood. I remember as kids in the summer we would play "school". She always wanted to be the teacher, and I was always more concerned with making sure the drawers were stocked with pencil and paper, that the desks were lined up in straight rows. She was always the big achiever in the family; she knew she wanted to be a teacher from the time she was a little girl. Which brought me to thinking about my own goals.
In high school, I always knew I was good at the details that get handled in the background. I had planned on junior college then San Jose State Univ. But I got derailed by a boy. And then when I got pregnant and found out my baby girl was hearing impaired, my goals changed. I didn't need a career that would move me up some kind of success ladder. What I needed most was a stable job with stable hours that could get me to move through the challenges I was facing. And then a second child, my son was visually impaired.
There were times over the years when I found myself wondering .... or maybe it was comparing ... my own life against my sister.
In the end, my life was made up of choices made with the information I had at that moment; I raised good kids, and we had some happy times, and have wonderful memories.
I'm sad about my sister. Hospice has been arranged and she's on some heavy meds. It will be very hard on my mom.
Life and losses are never easy.
My sister has been battling pancreatic cancer for three years now; there were ups and downs, good times and bad. When first diagnosed, her prognosis was for six to eight months. Being able to have three years has been amazing. She has taken some wonderful trips, and she was there for the first three years of her grandson's life.
The last time we spent time together was my son's memorial service. I didn't know when I saw her a year ago that it would be the last time we would spend time together.
But at the same time, I started pondering our childhood. I remember as kids in the summer we would play "school". She always wanted to be the teacher, and I was always more concerned with making sure the drawers were stocked with pencil and paper, that the desks were lined up in straight rows. She was always the big achiever in the family; she knew she wanted to be a teacher from the time she was a little girl. Which brought me to thinking about my own goals.
In high school, I always knew I was good at the details that get handled in the background. I had planned on junior college then San Jose State Univ. But I got derailed by a boy. And then when I got pregnant and found out my baby girl was hearing impaired, my goals changed. I didn't need a career that would move me up some kind of success ladder. What I needed most was a stable job with stable hours that could get me to move through the challenges I was facing. And then a second child, my son was visually impaired.
There were times over the years when I found myself wondering .... or maybe it was comparing ... my own life against my sister.
In the end, my life was made up of choices made with the information I had at that moment; I raised good kids, and we had some happy times, and have wonderful memories.
I'm sad about my sister. Hospice has been arranged and she's on some heavy meds. It will be very hard on my mom.
Life and losses are never easy.
Friday, July 3, 2020
Looking Back One Year
Dear Brian,
What a rough weekend for me to get through. It's been a year now, and I'm still as lost as I was a year ago. And yet in some ways I've been able to get through it. I know I move through my days doing the things that need doing, but there's not as much purpose any longer. I can feel this happening, and yet seem unable to change any of it.
With COVID, I'm not able to go places or do things, and I'm finding it quite a relief that I'm not being urged to be social in any way. Which makes me chuckle. I wear my mask all the time because it's the law, and I don't even have to smile at customers -- they have no idea what my mouth does behind my mask! It's amusing to be able to move through my day without having to do the whole small talk and smile -- hard to do that when you're forced to stay six feet apart all the time. hahah
I sat down and read your note today. It hurt to see your handwriting. I'm not sure if I was looking for comfort in your words -- I already knew I wouldn't find it. I think I have that note memorized. It still didn't give me any answers. I still have so many "what if" scenarios that I run through my head. But I can't change what happened. But I wish I could have.
Aunt Lori isn't doing well. I don't know if she's at the "I give up" stage of fighting her cancer, but it seems like it might be. She's always been the one in control, and she's trying to do her medications by herself. From what Grandma tells me, it sounds like she's over medicating; she sleeps through her days, and barely eats or drinks. She's at Grandma's now.
I cleaned out a few of your things. I put some of the hot wheels cars from your shelves into the carrying case. I wonder if Zane would like to have them? I didn't know what to do with all your wallets and pocket knives, some of the comic books and your drumsticks. I have a couple thoughts, but since I wasn't certain, I'll just sleep on it for a while longer.
Writing to you here keeps your memory alive for me in a tangible way. And I need the outlet. So I'll just keep doing what I'm doing.
Love you and miss you every single day
Love,
mom
What a rough weekend for me to get through. It's been a year now, and I'm still as lost as I was a year ago. And yet in some ways I've been able to get through it. I know I move through my days doing the things that need doing, but there's not as much purpose any longer. I can feel this happening, and yet seem unable to change any of it.
With COVID, I'm not able to go places or do things, and I'm finding it quite a relief that I'm not being urged to be social in any way. Which makes me chuckle. I wear my mask all the time because it's the law, and I don't even have to smile at customers -- they have no idea what my mouth does behind my mask! It's amusing to be able to move through my day without having to do the whole small talk and smile -- hard to do that when you're forced to stay six feet apart all the time. hahah
I sat down and read your note today. It hurt to see your handwriting. I'm not sure if I was looking for comfort in your words -- I already knew I wouldn't find it. I think I have that note memorized. It still didn't give me any answers. I still have so many "what if" scenarios that I run through my head. But I can't change what happened. But I wish I could have.
Aunt Lori isn't doing well. I don't know if she's at the "I give up" stage of fighting her cancer, but it seems like it might be. She's always been the one in control, and she's trying to do her medications by herself. From what Grandma tells me, it sounds like she's over medicating; she sleeps through her days, and barely eats or drinks. She's at Grandma's now.
I cleaned out a few of your things. I put some of the hot wheels cars from your shelves into the carrying case. I wonder if Zane would like to have them? I didn't know what to do with all your wallets and pocket knives, some of the comic books and your drumsticks. I have a couple thoughts, but since I wasn't certain, I'll just sleep on it for a while longer.
Writing to you here keeps your memory alive for me in a tangible way. And I need the outlet. So I'll just keep doing what I'm doing.
Love you and miss you every single day
Love,
mom
Wednesday, July 1, 2020
Happy Angelversary
Dear Brian,
It's been one year since the day that changed all the rest of my days.
I live each day in a sort of suspended animation mode: I go through the motions, but expect that at any moment you'll come through the door and surprise me. In my mind, I know that's not possible, by my heart still believes.
It's still "Brian's room, Brian's bathroom, Brian's garage" and I don't suppose that will ever change. I'm sure that some people would say that I need to move on, change things up, or something like that. But your guitars hang right there, your wallet and pocket knife are in the top drawer as if you're just gone on a trip. There may come a day ... and maybe not, and Tanya will have to deal with whatever is still here.
I've pondered over and over the why's and what if's. I know I can't change it. But it hurts like hell to think that I couldn't have done something differently, said something. If only ....
I always thought that I was a strong person, always believed there was a "circle of life" and that everything dies at some point. But to lose you, my son, has been the single hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. What makes it seem worse is that it doesn't go away, and you don't just "get over it". I carry this with me every single day.
I know that I'm just passing time now, going through the motions without the same purpose. I always had the goal in mind of making sure that I get things set up in such a way that you'd be taken care of after I was gone. Now it doesn't have the same meaning for me.
Probably the hardest thing to bear in all of this is that I never get to talk about you with anyone else. Grandma has her own challenges at the moment; T has her own life and is living it. So that's why I have this blog -- a place to write to you, to let all the feelings come out when they need to, a place where I can say things that no one else wants to hear. It's also why I created that memorial .... so that I could post every single photo I ever took of you, tell all your little stories.
Because your life mattered.
And you should NEVER be forgotten.
Happy Angelversary!
I love you. Always.
mom
It's been one year since the day that changed all the rest of my days.
I live each day in a sort of suspended animation mode: I go through the motions, but expect that at any moment you'll come through the door and surprise me. In my mind, I know that's not possible, by my heart still believes.
It's still "Brian's room, Brian's bathroom, Brian's garage" and I don't suppose that will ever change. I'm sure that some people would say that I need to move on, change things up, or something like that. But your guitars hang right there, your wallet and pocket knife are in the top drawer as if you're just gone on a trip. There may come a day ... and maybe not, and Tanya will have to deal with whatever is still here.
I've pondered over and over the why's and what if's. I know I can't change it. But it hurts like hell to think that I couldn't have done something differently, said something. If only ....
I always thought that I was a strong person, always believed there was a "circle of life" and that everything dies at some point. But to lose you, my son, has been the single hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. What makes it seem worse is that it doesn't go away, and you don't just "get over it". I carry this with me every single day.
I know that I'm just passing time now, going through the motions without the same purpose. I always had the goal in mind of making sure that I get things set up in such a way that you'd be taken care of after I was gone. Now it doesn't have the same meaning for me.
Probably the hardest thing to bear in all of this is that I never get to talk about you with anyone else. Grandma has her own challenges at the moment; T has her own life and is living it. So that's why I have this blog -- a place to write to you, to let all the feelings come out when they need to, a place where I can say things that no one else wants to hear. It's also why I created that memorial .... so that I could post every single photo I ever took of you, tell all your little stories.
Because your life mattered.
And you should NEVER be forgotten.
Happy Angelversary!
I love you. Always.
mom
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