Goals and Happiness

 Memorial Day is set aside for us to remember those who served, who fought for our freedoms, who fought to keep us safe, and for those who still fight for those same things. 

But there are also other things to remember as well.  For me, as I get older, I tend to spend time reminiscing about the things that brought me happiness through the years.  My granddaughter's graduation reminded me of my own, of all the hopes and dreams a young person of 18 has for their adult life.  

As you look back, do you feel you accomplished all you dreamed of??  I know that my own aspirations were loftier than what has been the reality.  But that hasn't made me any less happy.  Life will always be full of challenges and changes.  It's how we react to those things that makes us who we are, and ultimately brings us the happiness we seek.  

I've met people who have happiness as an end goal:  as soon as I get this job, I'll be happy.  As soon as I get married or have a family, I'll be happy.  As soon as I'm out of debt, I'll be happy.  The 'trick' to finding that happiness doesn't come when we reach a goal.  It's the little things in our daily lives.  They happen every day, and you must pay attention to those little things to experience that happiness.  

Yesterday on the way to work, I saw an old GMC pickup from the 30's or 40's; the paint was a bit rusty, it wasn't all decked out to look new. It showed it's age and it brought a huge smile to my face.  (I enjoy looking at old cars!)  Two days ago, on my drive home from work, I saw a man riding a horse down the street (on the sidewalk) and that made me smile as well.  If I had been concentrating on my job goals, or my life goals, I might have missed those little moments of joy.  Don't let the big things get in the way of little moments of happiness!

                                                 

Graduations

 It's the end of May, and the end of the school year for many parts of our state.  My granddaughter is graduating from Tucson High tonight, and with the pandemic, I can't be there.  But they're streaming live on-line so I'm tuned in and ready to watch.   But it got me to thinking about my own graduation in 1977.  (Wow!  MANY years ago!!)  

Growing up in California, most of our events were held outdoors.  My own graduation was held on the football field, with just over 400 students.  The girls wore gold gowns, the boys wore dark green - school colors, of course.  We all filed onto the field and took our seats.  I don't even remember who spoke, or what they had to say to us.  For me personally, I was very nervous, hated being in front of the crowd of people - family and friends.  What a relief when it was over!  But so there weren't any mistakes, we were handed a blank folder when our name was called and after the ceremony, we had to collect our real diploma in the gym.  By the time I came out, I looked all around and couldn't see my family, or my boyfriend.  I waited and walked to the front of the school and waited some more.  After a time, I decided wth and started walking home.  I'd gotten about halfway when one of my neighbors spotted me and offered a ride.  When I got home, my family was there, and so was my boyfriend.  Turns out they each thought the other was giving me a ride home!!  lol   

And to this day, I never miss a chance to remind my family how they all "forgot about me" hahaha

I remember when my own two kids graduated, the ceremony was held at Miami U in Oxford.  Again, remembering the speeches doesn't even register, although the message in all of them is directed at young people about to embark on the adult portion of their lives.  But I still remember the feeling of pride, the joy in the accomplishments of my children.  

And that's how I"m feeling today -- so proud of my granddaughter and all she's accomplished! Both my daughter and granddaughter are testaments to how much can be achieved and overcome.  They are hearing impaired and yet they continue to function in a hearing world.  I couldn't be more thrilled with who they are, and all they do! 

 

Losses

I've had more than my fair share of losses, and as I get older I realize there are going to be more losses to come.  But they can be overwhelming at times.  My dad, then my son, my sister then my dog, Sadie.  There are other kinds of losses as well; others have lost their jobs or their homes because of the pandemic.  Thank goodness I haven't had those!   But there is also a loss of connection with family and friends because of distances and the lack of social get togethers because of the pandemic as well.  

Take, for example, graduation ceremonies.  My only granddaughter graduated high school this week, but I wasn't able to attend.  The pandemic restricted the number of tickets per student who could attend the graduation and because I am out of town, I couldn't attend.  Just a small example of feeling slighted, excluded, from my daughter's family activities.  And some days that makes me really, really sad.  

That was my day today.  Just feeling low and barely motivated to get things done.  Her graduation was on Thursday, and was online live, but by the time my work day ended and my phone convo with my mother was completed, the rest of my evening was lost because of my own bad mood.  

I've been trying to learn to let go of the pressure I feel in taking care of my mom long distance.  It's not easy and some days after a conversation I feel kind of .... wiped out.  So I've been doing some breathing exercises.  I'm sure it would be a bigger stress reducer if I'd jump on my treadmill, but it's just exhausting to even think of finding the energy to just do it.  

Yes.  I know I'm kind of complaining a bit but sometimes I would like someone willing to take some of my own load at times.  But I can't see myself being married again, so that's out. lol

Spring Cleaning: A New Way

 When it's spring, when skies are blue and weather is warm, the urge to do some spring cleaning seems to claim us all.  Open windows, fresh air and a clean house seem to go hand in hand.  That was me today. Although, truthfully, it's supposed to be up over 100 degrees today here in the Valley of the Sun.  Which is why I was "up and at 'em" at 6am.  lol   

I don't mind most spring cleaning chores, but the one that I tend to put off over and over is the bathroom - specifically my walk in shower.  Sure, off and on I do little scrub downs, but I'm talking major spring cleaning.  I decided not to put it off any more and began tackling it.  One of the things I discovered that makes it very easy is to remove the shower doors, take them outside and scrub them down, first with a bit of CLR.  I lay them out, squirt on the liquid and swoosh it around with a broom that I use only for my showers.  After hosing them, flipping them over and doing the other side, I then scrub them down with a little Dawn dish soap.  They come out real shiny! 

As the doors are drying in the morning sun, I got in and tackled the shower itself:  squirt Dawn across the walls and floor then swoosh it all over with a little water using my broom.  I know, it sounds just a little bit crazy, but it works great!  After rinsing it all off, what I noticed most is how fresh and clean it smells.  That's what sold me on it the most!

What I came to realize is that washing the bathroom with all those strong chemicals to get things clean, there was an after-smell that would carry on for a day or two, no matter how many windows were opened, how many fans were blowing to help, you can't escape that chemical smell.  Which is one of the reasons that I would put off the heavy duty spring cleaning!  And if my shower can come out clean and shiny without that smell, well, from now on I'm using Dawn every time to clean the shower!  

Overwhelming At Times

 Sometimes I don't know what to do with it all. 

I heard that line on TV today and thought "that fits!"  Some days I don't know what to do with all the feelings, all the emotions that come swelling up inside when a memory of my son hits me in some way.  Like today.  There's a young kid at work who has hair just like my son's.  When I saw him today, I just wanted to reach out and smooth those hairs.  I know that wouldn't be right, but the feeling overwhelmed me.  

And that's the kind of stuff that fits:  I don't know what to do with it all. 

I muddle through as best I can, and keep moving through the day.  

Sometimes the tears well up, and sometimes I let them fall.   There is nothing that overwhelms as much as when your child dies.  I know that it's something that I"ll have to live with the rest of my days.  Sometimes I can't imagine what it took for him to do what he did.  And the cycle begins again, the grief builds, the tears come, and I'm sad all over again.  

One day.  Some day.  I'll stroll over heaven with him.  

The Price Of Love

"It is truly remarkable what people in deep turmoil will tell you if you truly listen to what they are saying.  More often than not, they will spill some of the pattern of repeated dark words, thoughts and fantasies that have been spiraling in their heads so relentlessly, so furiously, that they have entered a trance that has eliminated all other thoughts.  If the spiral continues without break, they will essentially talk themselves to the point where the pain of dying seems less than the pain of living.  That's how suicide works."

This is a quote from the book "Deadly Cross" by James Patterson.

And when I read these lines, it brought a touch of comfort regarding the loss of my son.  I know that my son was a lot like me, he lived a good part of his life in his head.  I'm not sure that makes sense to everyone but if you've ever overthought a situation, that's kind of how it is.  And I can see that if he got stuck on a certain thought, it spiraled 'round and 'round until it took over.  

It makes me sad to think that he couldn't reach out past the spiral and get some kind of help. It makes me sad to think that I didn't act on my hunch of loading him into the car and taking him to my mother's for a break from the routine of it all.  

I know that carrying this burden for the rest of my life will weigh me down.  And it's not easy to know that he carried his burdens until he couldn't carry them any longer.  Grief is never ending; and I know I've said it before:  there is nothing like losing a child.  My dad is gone, my sister is gone, even my favorite dog is gone, but I'm still the saddest over losing my son.  He was my reason for buying the small house, living near bus lines, getting it paid off so he'd have a place to grow old.  

Grief is like having a suitcase that you have to lug around everywhere with you:  it's always there, it adds a whole lot of weight to your travels.  And it's a process that never ends.   It's the price of love.