Dear Dad

Yesterday would have been my dad's 88th birthday.  He had me promise to take care of Mom when he knew he wouldn't beat cancer.  But now I wonder if he really knew what he was asking?

Did he have the same issues I'm having in taking care of mom?  Was she always this way and I never saw it growing up?

As kids, we aren't very aware of parental issues. Or maybe mine were the kind who hid things well.  They certainly didn't make a point to include us in conversations, or ask much of our opinions.  When I look back, I can see where real life issues were kept hidden away.  The main focus has always been keeping up appearances, clean house, clean yard, clean cars.  I'm not against those things, but should that be a priority over other things?

Like the stillborn son between my sister and I.  It was mentioned once, then never spoken of again.  I am certain the situation had repercussions for my parents.  Yet they never spoke of it. 

I remember once mom was taken away in an ambulance. We never talked about that, either.  For all I know, it was a similar breakdown of the sorts I've been dealing with.  

Dear Dad,

Why didn't you warn me? Why couldn't you talk about things that could have made a difference?  Did you know she showed preference of one child over the others? And that it has affected all of us for a lifetime?  And that it was the primary cause of moving me and my kids out of state?  

Was she always like this???

Your Daughter.

At a young age, probably 14 or 15, I realized I never wanted to be like my mother.  I made an effort to talk to my kids, to hug my kids, to let them know I would always answer any questions they had with as much honesty as I could.  Nothing was ever off limits.  And I said "I love you" often. I still do.  I have this same policy with my great nephew, MrZ.  He asks a LOT of questions. My mother deflects answering questions by asking if he wants a snack or a cookie.  I answer, and if I don't know, we Google!! 

Because I know what its like to have an unreachable parent. And now, this late in life, I am trying to navigate thru breaking these chains.

Life isn't easy.