Memories

What triggers your memories?  If you're like me, sometimes its a smell or certain scent.  The smell of fresh cut wood reminds me of dad. The smell of fresh cut grass takes me back to my childhood, as mowing was my weekly chore! 

Sometimes, looking at photos reminds you, and suddenly you're off telling the stories behind the photo. Or maybe you're watching TV and it reminds you ...  and you're filled with old memories.

One of my own ways is this blog.  I write as often as I can, sometimes details that I might not remember later.  And its nice to be able to go back and read whatever was important in my past.  

Some people journal. I did that for a long time but over time, and usually in fits of anger, I tossed all those old journals.  I shouldn't have! 

But what strikes me today is that we each have a lifetime of memories to be remembered.  Some people are of the opinion that some things shouldn't be remembered.  And maybe that's true, but our experiences shaped us into the person we are today.  So maybe we should at least acknowledge, if not pay attention to, those memories.

Both good and bad, by accessing our memory, we connect with our past, understand our present, and envision our future.

Alice in Wonderland X

I was watching some trivia show and the answer was Alice in Wonderland.  And thinking about it took me back to 1976.  I can't remember the theater, but I remember going to see this with my boyfriend, Steve.  I was a HS junior, he was two years older.  

He bought the tickets, and we each handed our ticket at the door.  They let me through, but they carded him.  This was a naughty version of Alice! An X-rated musical fantasy! 

The story:  "Alice is a virginal librarian, cheerful and outgoing, who acts and dresses younger than her age. She rebuffs William, a suitor, because he's insistent on behavior she considers inappropriate: she's a prude. While daydreaming about reliving her life, a white rabbit taps her on the shoulder, and she follows him to Wonderland ..."

I'll let you magine the strangeness that ensues!  

Funny how I don't recall the actual movie.... I just remember Steve being carded!  *laughs*  

Weird memories!!!

Book Series ATC

Artist Trading Cards:  Can't stop painting ....  its a simple project that keeps my mind and my hands busy!!

Hand drawn, hand painted, the imperfections make them perfect! (lol)

More ATC

I became fascinated with Artist Trading Cards, and found myself creating a few.  That's how it started ..... and lately, I just keep creating more!

I joined an ATC group on Facebook.  But I can see that its not going to be for me.  I can't see posting photos of my cards, and/or "asking" someone else to trade.  That's just not me!! 

So I'm just going to sit here making my little cards and having my happy little moments!!  

A Good Day

Today I went in and had my hairdresser, Leigha, chop off my hair. It had grown long enough to put it in a ponytail.  I think she cut off 4 inches! And I love it!  Its short and sassy, easy to care for. 

Then over to pick up mom's groceries,  and my personal shopper today was Jada! I knrw her when I worked there, she was part time and still in high school. Now she's full-time and goes to college.  I'm always like a proud mama bear when I get to see kids all growed up!

Back at mom's,  no internet, no cable tv. Came back on after another hour. She likes to be on top of things, so made me make a phone call to verify it was out.  lol

Then some phone calls to verify and finalize details for her IVIg therapy of Privigen.  Very expensive IV drip that maybe will help her leg problem? Her copay was going to be $1600.00 per visit!  But we applied for a grant, they will cover up to $9500 of her co-pays. Whew!!  Don't know much about the drug, so we see the doc on Friday.   

As to my own well being, I had a good day, I think my PT is paying off!! Keeping my fingers crossed!! 

Ahh ... Massage

I've been doing PT and trying to get a kink worked out of my hip/knee/ankle --- I have no idea what went wrong, so I've been working on building up strength. 

My DPT uses a massage gun on me, so while I strolled through my Walmart, I spotted a mini massage gun that was under $50 so I bought it! 

I've used it a bit today, and it really does help relax and /or loosen tight muscles.  I used it right away when I got home (because you gotta try out the new toy!!), then jumped on the treadmill for 15m and used the massage gun again after, and I'm feeling pretty good!  

Time for my stretches and then its time to relax!  

Dust Storm

Monsoon season can bring lots of wind, which also brings dust storms.  I headed home before the crazy started.  Half an hour ago, my phone warned me that dust storms were headed my way.  Me, I was hoping for thunderstorms and rain.

I tried taking a photo to show how the skies turn nearly orange with all the dust in the air.   But my phone seems to autocorrect the sky. *sigh*

I had PT today, and my DPT wanted me to push "the sled" across the floor.  He loaded it with 20 lbs.  I just shook my head, raised an eyebrow and asked "is that all?"  He obliged me, and added another 50lbs.  Across the floor and back, twice.  I was willing to do more, but we were out of time!!  Heck, I pulled carts and pallets that were 10x that weight!! Sometimes in and out of freight trailers!!  Ahh but that seems like it was in another life!!

More thunder, a few sprinkles, bring on the rain!!!

Desktop Computers

I have always been computer oriented.  When personal computers started making an appearance, I was right there getting one.  It started a long term enjoyment and learning process for me. 

I've had laptops and desktops.  I prefer desktops for my photography editing. And for all the social chatting I once was addicted to.  The social thing enabled me to make friendships that have lasted years and years!

But since my mom moved to AZ, I dont spend much time on my desktop unless its for specifics:  photos, genealogy and taxes.  Mostly because whenever I sit down to start on something, there's some kind of reason I have to head over to her house. 

I realize that desktops are going out of vogue, that most people use a laptop. And for what its worth, I spent more on my current phone (that I carry everywhere!!) than I did on my desktop. 

But I still like my desktop!! I've had this one for 10 years now (yikes!!!)

Morning After

It was glorious to just sit and listen to the rain as the thunderstorm lashed around outside!  Other than snapping a couple photos at the beginning, it was good to hear the wind and rain slapping against the side of the house.  I think I sat for an entire hour, just listening!!

And the morning after can be just as wonderful!  The air is cool and smells clean.  The sky looks just a little more blue as the sun rises ..... 

Thunderstorms

I love thunderstorms.  When I lived in Ohio, a summer thunderstorm made us all go out and sit on the front porch to watch: to feel the wind, listen to the bangs of thunder, the flash of lightning, and to smell the fresh first rain.

Once I moved to Arizona, to my surprise, we get thunderstorms in summer as well!  The last couple of monsoon seasons haven't brought much,  but I still enjoy them!! 

Once I heard the wind pick up its roar, I grabbed my phone and ducked outside for a photo .....  because these are great!

I was born at 10something pm, during a summer thunderstorm in Minnesota. Maybe that's where it comes from!!

Shhhh .... I can hear the thunder now; with any luck we will get rain too!!! Yay!

Artist Trading Cards

Have you heard of ATC - artist trading cards?  It was new to me, so I started looking into it.  

So I had to Google, and Wikipedia says "Artist trading cards is a conceptual art project initiated by the Swiss artist M. Vänçi Stirnemann in 1997. He called it a Collaborative Cultural Performance. Artist trading cards are 2.5 by 3.5 inches in size, the same format as modern trading cards or playing cards."

Ok, so that's how it started.  But is this a big thing? Or relatively closed?  There is a group on Facebook with 14k members but then how does it work?  Trading via snail mail works for me!

Of course I had to give it a try, make some of my own!

Just A Tuesday

Second PT session done. This time around, I downloaded the app and he gives me exercises to work out along with.  I did them today, but boy am I sore!!  

I've been at mom's two days in a row and she seems to be doing ok.  Then I called her today at 3 and she seemed fine, said dhe was fine. Then at 645 she's calling and crying and saying she is having pain.  And again when I takk her through, its her anxiety that causes her body to clench up and that causes her nerves to be compressed which is her pain.  

I said I'd come take her to the ER and she said no.  I always have to remind her to slow her breathing, to control her panic attack. I've taught her to use ice to reduce swelling, to snap her wrist with a rubber band to help break the cycle. When I remind her of these she always tells me she can't help it. Its just how she is.   That bothers me greatly.

She has many pills to help. Maybe she needs a nurse person to help her with her meds.  She says no, so I've let it go. 

Maybe it's time to take charge ..... *sigh*

Struggled Today

I always carry it with me:  grief.

If your parents die, you are called an orphan.  If your spouse dies, you are a widow or widower.  But when your child dies, there is no word for that, other than bereaved parent.  

There is no getting over grief. You carry it with you every day, through every moment.  The memories you create now are filtered through thoughts wishing your child were with you to share them.

Yes, I carry my memories and often find myself remembering fondly, looking at photos, telling stories.  Its just harder some days.

When your child dies, it is not the same as when a parent or sibling dies. And if you can't relate to this, thank God that you can't.  

Its Always Something

Its always something, and yet its always the same.  Now my mother wants to pay me $500/month to "take care of her".  No. A great big NO.  Because what will that be?  What will it mean?  The "I'm paying you so come when I call?"  That can't happen.  How do you draw that line??

Because here's how it went today.  Her:  I've got a letter to mail.  Me: it looks like he's already been here today.  Her: but there's mail tomorrow (saturday)  Me:  ok, I'll put it out when I leave.  Her:  No, do it now, in case he hasn't been here.  *eyeroll*   

So I jumped up and did it.  Because in her way, if you don't,  she will a) have anxiety over the issue and/or b) throw "hints" out there until its done.   Her way. Her time. Its like that often.

But, I did my exercises and my own house work before heading over. And the plan is to not stay too long here.  I am on my way to building my own needs, my own life, doing things I haven’t done for some time now. 

Because I get a life, too.

Do You PT??

A year ago April, a crazy thing happened.  I was sleeping snug under my covers when I got a Charlie Horse in my calf.  And I know the best thing is to get on my feet and work through it.  So I attempted to kick off covers with my right leg, I had to kick hard, twice. 

Working off the pain, I got ready for work and headed in. But an hour into my shift, I headed home. I couldn't stand on my right leg.  And so began my downfall and ultimately retiring. 

I thought for sure it was pulled muscles and would heal in time. But whatever I am doing isn't helping enough. I used to get 10K steps easy, and now 5K is a stretch.  So I got a note from my doc and started PT yesterday. 

I was stiff and sore when I woke up this morning, but moved around and worked through it.  We shall see if Jeff has better suggestions to get me back in shape!!  When I told him a year ago I walked like I was a question mark, unable to straighten up without pain, he seemed surprised!  As with every PT, he gave me "homework".  Hehehehe

Cabin Fever

Growing up with parents from Minnesota where it snows a lot, I had always heard the term "cabin fever".  Raised in California, where the climate was mild, we didn't have to deal with any kind of cabin fever ... unless I was on restriction for doing something wrong!!  lol

When I was 40, I lived in Ohio, with six kids, and yes, we had our share of cabin fever!  There weren't enough rooms for all of us to escape from each other!

Once I moved to Arizona, I thought my days of cabin fever were over. But we have our own version each year in the summer, caused by the heat. When I am stuck indoors for long stretches I dream up all kinds of projects to tackle once the heat is done.  Most of the time, I can let go of the dreams.  But sometimes I get urges to paint or tackle some other kind of home repair.

With online shopping, though, I can sit indoors and start my Christmas shopping!   At least it's accomplishing something!!

Your Life Dream

When you're growing up, learning about life, you tend to dream about how things should be, how you expect them to be, what your future will hold. 

I'm reading a Nora Roberts novel, and the main character's mother is an overly dramatic hypochondriac, cranky as all get out.  The main character and her mother have never gotten along.  When the mom doesn't want to do something, she tends to feign a headache or some other ailment. 

But our character learns that her mother was at one time a good singer, and wanted to perform.  Instead, she became trapped in a loveless marriage because she got pregnant.

That's a lot of explaining to get to the point, which is what our dreams were versus what our life becomes. 

In school, I wanted to become an executive assistant .... weren't many choices back then but I didn't want to be "just a secretary".  And then I became a mom. And I chose a different path, working first for Clarklift, in the service department.  Then, I worked for Walmart.  Each time, my job choice was geared toward what best fit my family, not how my family had to work around my job. Not that there wasn't some give and take that needed to happen.  

But what would it be like to be on your way to your dream, to have the joy of success just beginning, then having it ripped away from you?  I guess that would depend on the temperance of the person.  

I'm pretty mellow, and usually able to look past the disappointment and find the silver lining in the next cloud. 

How would you look at it??

Some people aren't content, unless they have it all.

Decompress at Home

I sit here in my house, the home I scrimped and saved for, the home I chose to live in. I have lived here longer than in any other home I lived in before.  Even growing up, I lived with my parents in the same house for 11 years.  I've been here for 15 years now.  And I find great comfort in that thought. 

My house. My things around me. Not that I'm attached to them in the way mom is to her stuff.  For me, things come and go. I am able to release things when they no longer serve a purpose.

I grew up learning that things should be preserved, passed down from generation to generation.  And I have a few things that I hope my daughter will want to keep.  But I've learned that there's more joy in letting these things go to her now, being able to use them in her own grown up life rather than hoarding them until I die.

And yet today, I seem frozen in place. I had plans to do this, that and the other, but seem incapable of doing any of it. I find that happens most often after I've spent days with mom, and doing nothing seems to decompress the stress. 

Thank goodness for good books!! And HULU!! 

PS: that was Friday, and I got my act together and am doing better today!

Expand Your World

Sometimes there are people who come in to our lives who help us see things differently.  Lately I seem to be stuck in chick lit mode and haven’t been reading anything that sparks a little magic.

But I've read some pretty good books that fall outside that genre.  I looked at a list of some of those books and went oh MAN!  I have been missing out!

One thing that sparked the challenge to read other things is written by Neil Gaimann:  Instructions.

"Touch the wooden gate in the wall you never saw before. Say "please" before you open the latch, go through, walk down the path."

When you let that sink in, to me it says to pay attention to the little things. How often do we go about our business, so focused on the task at hand, that we miss things along the way? 

Learning about different authors' works opens us up to more than just the ordinary everyday.  American Gods. Anansi Boys. Kafka on the Shore.  The Road.  The Footprints of God.  Pattern Recognition.  Quite the list of titles and I may just begin re-reading these and more.

But its more fun when you share the reading with a friend!  So big shout out to my friend (Thanks Prof!!) who introduced me to these books outside my comfort zone!!! 

How Do You Know

All of my stress lately has been from Mom.  And I'm trying to make sense of a convo I tried to have with her.  I attived at her house yesterday afternoon and she tells me she can't live alone any more.  I tried to talk to her, is she afraid? Is there something else?  And she tells me living alone has always been the problem.  I asked why she wanted to buy a house when she moved here??  We could have found a nice assisted living place ......

*sigh*

So how do you know???  Whatever goes on in her mind she never shares honestly.  Why??  

So that has me wondering yet again.  If she's in assisted living, she will still be in her own "apartment."  Is she going to try to rent a 2bedroom so someone (me??) can stay with her????   

I have spent 60+ years watching and listening.  She has the skills to harp about something until she gets her way.  Which is why there's the many mentions about living alone.  Maybe she assumes I will eventually give in??

I spent the night, I took her for her MRI. When we were done, she wanted to get a hamburger.  Sorry, nothing open at 9am!  But I stayed at her house for a while.  She turned on the TV, loud as usual, then proceeded to snooze in her chair.  

She wants/expects someone to move in and keep her company so she can have restful naps?  I took off to the bedroom, slipped on my headphones and listened to Alpha Waves music on Spotify to relax.  

And thought to myself I am 66 years old, I am not moving into a 12x12 bedroom to keep her company, to take care of her. I am a grown up, with a 3 bedroom house and all my own stuff.  There wouldn't be room for the two of us to share space.

Harp away, Mom, you will not change my mind.  Time to look for assisted living I suppose.  How do you know when?

Anxiety aka Panic Disorder

Another rough day for me.  So I'm trying to find a way to overcome it.  What works for you?  I tried napping.  I tried cleaning.  I tried the treadmill.  Just can't shake it.

Usually I can work through it by cleaning. Nothing like taking some anger out on your floors with the vacuum!! But its not working today. 

So what brought this on?  I was in bed nearly asleep when mom calls.  She's crying and blubbering about how she can't live alone any more.  *sigh* another panic attack.  I had already taken a sleeping pill so I can't drive over.  I just try and talk her through it.  She's hyperventilating so I remind her to control her breathing. She takes two deep breaths and right back to shallow panicked breathing.  

She tells me she "can't help it".  Probably because she keeps spiraling.  To me it seems more like panic disorder: "an anxiety disorder characterized by unexpected and repeated panic attacks, along with persistent worry about having another attack." In her case, she not only worries about the next panic attack, but everything else as well.  

Accordingly, its helped with meditation, relaxation and mental therapy.  None of those are in her wheel house, and she doesn't care to learn about or try them.

When she couples her attacks with "its not worth living like this" what is there left to do???   So my night was spent dozing off and on, wondering if the phone will ring again. 

And lucky me, I will be spending the night with her as she has a doctor appt at 630am.   None of this is easy.

The Deep Dive

Its hot again today, and I was thinking of swimming.  Growing up in silicon valley, summers were spent at the pool!  It was 50cents for a swim from 1-5pm.  We would go to Warburton Swim Center, or Wilcox High School.  

Remember when jumping into the deep end was the greatest thrill??  The lifeguards always made sure you were a good swimmer before you were allowed to swim in the deep end.  We would swim across and back again over and over.

Sometimes Wilcox would open the high dive to kids, and we'd jump!  The climb up the ladder seemed endless.  Then waiting for the kid in front of you to jump and swim clear so it could be your turn!!  That butterfly feeling you'd get looking down, and then waiting those eternal seconds until you hit the water. (In all probability, it was a 10ft high board)

Hanging with friends, gossiping, watching boys, and buying a treat from the snack bar -- my fav on a hot summer day was a frozen Milky Way! 

I'm guessing you had some good summer times too!!

To recreate some of those good times, when my daughter was about 3, the International Swim Center would stay open from 5-7pm for family swim.  I took her often! More refreshing good times!!

Guilt

Guilt is a complex emotion.  We can feel guilty over something we did wrong (Sorry, Mom, for breaking your favorite vase!)  And sometimes we feel guilt when we do something we know we shouldn't (oops, I shouldn't have eaten that bag of M&Ms. 

Being brought up the way I was, I tend to feel guilt when I don't put others' needs above my own.  

When my nephew started Academy, I committed to six months of picking up MrZ from school.  But now that mom's not getting any better, I just don't feel like picking him up should be my job.  

Its hard enough taking care of mom and her issues, scheduling doctor tests and appointments.  Then add in taking care of her house.  But I put my own needs on hold as well.  I haven't seen my own doc in 7 months, let alone the dentist, my AC guy, and taking care of my home.

So why do I let myself feel guilt??????

Not The Queen

My sister was the queen of mom's heart.  Her grandson takes second place. She has done much for him, but he doesnt reciprocate well.

He "stopped by" today after she texted him.  He hadn't been by in a month. I hear from him on occasion, usually couched in a request to babysit his kids.

But while he was here did she ask HIM to take out her garbage?  Nope.  She waited until I got here after 1pm and its 110+ outside.  It's not that I mind the little chores, but why does it *only* have to be me??????

Its the little things that drive me bananas.

And after Friday night's debacle with a flat tire, I got four new tires today. Yay me.

So Exciting!!

I left mom's heading for home, and my tire warning lit up ... from 35 to 24 lbs it went!  Not all at once, I watched it slowly leak out as I drove. At the last minute, I thought why not just head to Walmart and get it taken care of.  So I pulled up to Auto Care and signed in.  Its a 2 hour wait.  Ok.

So I walked the floors, bought a bottle of water and read for 3 hours.  Still not working on my car.  I gave up and got my keys back from them and called AAA, who of course respond quickly!  It took a total of 25 minutes from call to being on the road.  

AAA is the best!!  Thanks Jason!!