Hard Weeks Come and Go

Dear Brian,
It's been a hard couple of weeks.  Work has been keeping me busy, putting on a roof, trying to get some repairs done ... all the usual. 

But every now and then something springs into my mind.

and it gets me thinking waaay too much.

I cried half the way home because I couldn't get the thought of what must have been going through your mind.  Where did you get the courage?  You wrote that you didn't feel anything any more.  But that's not a truthful statement, because you were feeling .... things.   It hurts my soul, and the hole in my heart aches when I think about it. 

It's easy to keep busy and shove it to the back of my mind, but this week has been harder, because Tee and the crew are coming up for a 5 day stay-cation.  It will be great to have some family time.  Maybe that's what I need - some time to put new memories on top of the old ones. 

I got the backyard ready for company:  the chairs and bench are set up around the fire pit.  Dogs and s'mores are on the menu!  Remember the book you bought, "3000 things about Me"?  Well, I took that thought and wrote down some questions that we can all answer around the fire, maybe get some convos going with these teenage girls. 

The garage is taking shape, getting painted, and things put up in places where it's easy for me to find things.  I know you kept it in a way that works for you - but that just didn't work for me.  lol  You know what I'm talking about.  I bought some TSP and washed the garage floor where the apple cider had left it's mark.  I arranged some rugs and have my exercise stuff out there now. 

When the kids are here, I'm going to have A do a few little things - the front nozzle is broken and the threads are frozen.  Found some old VHS tapes of you and Tee growing up.  Maybe he'll hook up the VCR so we can look at them. 

The house looks fantastic with the new roof on.  Every day when I drive up after work, it's like someone who's wearing a new hat:  it just tops it off so good!

I'm rambling about all this to you because it's the only way I can get past some of the other feelings I have that make me want to curl up and cry for days.

I miss you every day - and even more when something breaks!
Love,
Mom