Neighbors

Today I drove mom to her CT scan. There was no waiting, they took her right in, we were done in 15 mins!  

After, we turned on a game show,  but in the meantime we reminisced about living in our house. In 60 years, a lot of neighbors come and go. 

There was the crazy lady on the left who at one point was selling drugs. On the right, were many different families.  Susie and Mikey first; they moved out when the parents divorced.  Then another family moved in. One night, I took my siblings and neighbor kids bowling.  When we got home, the street was blocked off by firetrucks.  I remember being panicked that it was OUR house. Turns out the little girl next door was playing with a lighter  and started a bed on fire.

Across the street, we called it the Jones' house, Mom noticed a LOT of cars coming and going, eapecially mid day, mostly men.  Turns out there was some kind of brothel going on!!! 

You never really know what your neighbors are up to. But it pays to keep your eyes open. 

There was a spot on the block shaded by trees where a guy decided to live in his vehicle.  Made Mom nervous as she lived alone at the time.  Another time, some guy just let himself into her backyard while she was out there working on her garden. After that, she kept the gate locked.

This was all in a nice part of town, but you just never know.  

Being able to reminisce with her is good. But it doesn't make for conversations filled with meaning.  I struggle with this aspect of our life. Sometimes I'm the daughter, sometimes I'm the caregiver. We are friendly, but I'm not sure you'd call us friends.  It's kind of sad, but we lived apart so many years, she doesn't know much about me.  And if she learned certain parts of it, she wouldn't approve.  But then, most kids have things their parents don't know.  That part hasn't changed at all!

Home Front Busy-ness

Tuesday was family dinner night.  Mom's fixing waffles, the kids really love them!  When Mr Z gets here, we sit down to do homework.  Not that I have to do much - he's a bright kid! With the "new math", I'm not sure all his papers are exactly correct.   Back in my day, we memorized addition and multiplication tables.  Not much need for the strange counting they do, especially when it comes to double digit math!

I was an independent kid, I don't remember having help with homework. My son was ADD at school but was always able to do homework quickly at home. 

Has homework changed that much in the past 50 years??  Are they learning more math at a younger age?  Tougher spelling words?  I'm not sure I know.

With those thoughts aside, I am still dealing with mom and her pains that seem to travel.  While I am certain that part of it is her cutting her anxiety pills in half, we are moving along with the doctor recommendations of a CT scan this weekend.   A good friend who has known her for years suggested that her pains stem from loneliness.  

Maybe I should spend a couple of nights. Which doesn't excite me in the least. 

In the meantime, PF is where I get away. Skipped it today so I could wash the car and clean the back patio .... its almost cool enough to sit out there again!

Last summer cactus bloom 

Sunday = Momday

Here's to another Sunday funday with Mom.  Headed over to watch the Diamondbacks game (they won!)  Then we were trying to find something to watch. She uses her DVR a lot .... she can record programs like a champ!  However, if she says record "Price is Right" she gets the regular episodes, PLUS all the episodes that are playing on the game show networks.  So from week to week she could end up with 26 episodes of the same show each week.  lol

That's a lot of TV to watch .... UGH

I tried helping her with recording options ... but I gave up.  Now it's on to "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire". 

Not much else happens on a Sunday.  It's a nice quiet day, the way I like them. This week promises to look good, weather wise, so it won't be long before I can do morning walks again!

Dark Winds

A series just came to Netflix called Dark Winds.  I am a fan of Zahn McClarnon, I followed him on Longmire.  So of course I had to watch!

But watching puts me in a wanderlust mode.  The show is set on Navajo Nation which covers over 27,000 square miles of unparalleled beauty. Diné Bikéyah, or Navajoland, is larger than 10 of the 50 states in America. (Wiki)

And to me, the desert is a beautiful place. Its not all sand dunes and scrappy brush. There are mountains and valleys and trees.  Watching the backgrounds in this series makes me want to jump in my car and drive to places more remote than this Valley I call home. 

Unfortunately, mom's needs come ahead of wanderlust.  She went to the doc, had an xray and a CT scan Saturday.  Trying to figure out why she's having pain. And it could all be anxiety like last time. 

Papago Park

Memories, Ohio

When you have lived long, you have probably seen many things.  Sometimes I'm in awe at how much I've been able to see on my travels thru the US.   I'm reminded of all these things when I watch Aerial America.  Today was "Ohio".

The Wright Brothers bicycle shop in Dayton, Ohio, a great city to run around and take photos.  I loved to drive around Dayton on Sunday mornings taking photos around town. 

But Fort Ancient grabbed my attention and reminded me how much history I saw there.  Its a beautiful museum as a tribute to the native American tribe who lived there. Its where you can see Serpent Mound.  

With six kids, it was a terrific day trip to keep kids busy, and learning at the same time.   We went back one year for their annual celebration filled with dancing, singing, socializing, crafts, arts, and food. Watching the dancers was mesmerizing, and started a fascination with Native American traditions.  I purchased some ankle jingles, and later it became a joke, telling someone I would "be there with bells on" .... wearing my ankle bells.  

I am jotting down memories to remind me, and family, about them. And why I have odd things collected, and kept.  Reminders of a different time.

Mighty Minutes

Every minute is mighty.  That was inspiration for the day.  And its more true now than ever. 

Back in the early 90s, I was listening to a sermon, and Pastor said that our most precious commodity is time.  It is not replaceable in any way.  It can't be bought, no one can give it back.  When its gone, its gone.

I have always tried to be conscious of this, but I'm human, I waste many minutes.  Day after day.

I try to remind myself to be intentional with my time, to use it, to live it with purpose and direction.  Lately, those are more obscure than they used to be.

But today, I was intentional in my trip to PF. I wasn't sure I wanted to go, but I grabbed my keys, my stuff and headed over.  Got in a good bike ride.

Be intentional with your time, and your decisions. Make the most of your time. I'm trying to do this.  Every minute is mighty. 

Yellowstone NP

Yellowstone National Park is a beautiful wonderland.  I was there with family, camping in 1973.   And just watched the Yellowstone episode on Aerial America. It's truly a beautiful place, so much history.

Among my grandmother's things, a book about Yellowstone was found in her cedar chest.  According to all the literature I was able to find, this is from aprox 1920s. It's a book of polychrome prints showing the most popular sites within Yellowstone

 I have no idea if my grandmother, Luella, actually visited or just happened to attain this book some other way.

For me, its a connection to Grandma Luella, who i never met.  I like to think that she bought this on a trip to Yellowstone with her family when she was a teenager.  

First Time Sex

I was doing some reading today (I'm always reading something!!) and I saw this phrase:  "Sex for girls is a defining moment. Sex for guys is just sex."  

I wonder if someone had said that to me at 15, would it have changed my actions, my future?? Would I have believed it?  

My first time was with a high school boyfriend. I was not prepared emotionally for this "event".  And maybe not mentally either.  But there is no mistaking the wants, desires, that run rampant from surging hormones.

It was the 70s and I was a teen growing up in that decade of free love.  Maybe that caused some distortions or conflicting opinions.  Hard to say no when society was all about the yes.

"No one could ever know how much it tore a woman apart, to trust her heart and be completely wrong."

That's what I found to be true, and recognized much later. Because of that realization, things changed and now I require a strong emotional bond for it. (Demisexual is the title given to this.)

No matter how it happened, nothing replaces the memory of that first time. 

Aerial America

I came across this wonderful series, Aerial America from the Smithsonian Channel.  I watch it on Paramount+.  Its a fabulous documentary series about this wonderful country, America.  

There are 72 different episodes. I started off  watching the ones about the states I've lived in, then watched the rest.  I learned some interesting facts and saw many familiar landscapes.  When you grow up in California's Bay Area, the Golden Gate Bridge is a gorgeous icon.  Seeing it on screen was mesmerizing!

If you're the kind of person who likes to drive around,  see the country, read the historical markers, them this series is for you. 

East coast states have so much history to learn.  Some of the episodes focus on National Parks.  I just watched the episode on Trailblazers.  They talked about Apple Computers,  JFK, Lincoln, the Wright Brothers.  I have been to many of these places; watching it and hearing the history behind them is intriguing.  

America has a strong, colorful, beautiful history. We should all know about where we come from. 

"If you don't know where you've come from, you don't know where you're going."

If you're looking for good TV,  👍 this is it.

Will You Marry Me?

As a little girl, I always imagined that phrase would come at me in some kind of romantic gesture ... the typical man down on a knee asking the question that I assume all girls dream of. But girls grow into women.

I was watching Suits, Mike was proposing to Rachel, and I realized I didn't have clear memories of my proposals.  I had to think about my own.

The first time a man said that ... well, truthfully I don't remember it. I was 18, first love, and because of self esteem issues, I thought it would be the only chance at marriage.  It didn't last.

The second  time I was sure it was true love this time.  We worked for the same company and he sent me an interoffice message --- a very early version of texting  --- and asked me to marry him.  At the same time he sent the message,  a florist delivered a dozen roses.  Awwww.  It didn't last.

The third time, it was on a walk, we were almost home and he knelt down on the driveway and proposed... mostly because he knew I expected it, that I wanted something memorable.  We were already living together.  It didn't last. 

Isn't it funny what comes to mind when you're watching TV? 

I ❤ Google

I am so thankful for Google.  I'm here at mom's, and I brought her some Aleve. But she is so reluctant about taking meds.  So I backed off my opinion, but used Google to look up the difference between Aleve and Advil.   She read it and decided to try it! 

I'm thankful she did, because the doc will prescribe muscle relaxers and she dislikes those, too.

In the mean time, I stay to relieve her anxiety that comes on when she takes a new med.  We turn on the TV to watch Diamonbacks baseball, and there come the questions: when will Gabi (the catcher) come back?  How hot is it in Tampa Bay? When does football officially start?  Is there dairy in a Wendy's frosty?

And of course, its Google to the rescue!!

I ❤ 

Good/Bad Surprises

Surprises can be good or bad.  I'm not fond of the bad surprises. Today I got a good surprise!  My friend Rita needed to be in the Valley today and gave me a call. We ended up having a nice visit over lunch at Applebee's!  Always fun catching up with old friends!

Then when I called mom, the bad surprise.  OK, not so much of a surprise. She has good and bad days.  She's had a pain for over a month.  When she went to the doc, I'm not sure what she told him, or what her response was if he suggested anything,  ie pain killer pills.   She's very ... opinionated about what she should and shouldn't take. When someone suggests another pill, she almost always refuses them.  

She's calling her pain "fibromyalgia" and I'm not discounting that as a real thing. But mom's the nervous worrying type. And when she worries, she worries so much that it manifests in her body as some kind of pain.  I've seen it before, and I'll probably see it again.  She has meds for anxiety and takes Gabapentin for pain. But her refusal to temporarily increase her meds drives me crazy.  She won't take anything her doc hasn't already cleared her to take, including aspirin and Aleeve. 

Now that she's not sleeping through the night, another cycle begins.  Lack of sleep worries her; worries keep her awake. She can't seem to turn it off in her mind. My suggestions aren't overly welcome because she has already made up her mind. 

And of course this happens Friday nights into the weekend when no docs are in the office.   I can take you to an Urgent Care I suggested.   No, they don't do much good and are a waste of money she says. 

I know she is fretting because they didn't call her about her spine xray. I know it's on her mind because she mentions it's daily. I explained that they will only call if there's a problem, her results were sent to her doctor. He hasn't called.

Maybe I'll hit the treadmill and walk off some of my own frustrations!

Purpose

Do you ever wonder about the bigger picture, your purpose in life?  When I had two kids who each had a different "special needs"-- one had a hearing impairment, the other was visually impaired -- I knew that was my purpose, that God intended for me to raise them because I had the strength and fortitude it took to get it done, to do a good job.  

Now I keep wondering about my next purpose.  I worked my job, did well, got to a place where I could buy a home, and then retire. 

Only now I'm in charge of mom. Is that my next purpose? And how do I do that successfully?  The actual caretaking, errands, appointments, those are all functions and I deal with them as needed. The struggle is, and will be, being mom's social outlet.  At this point, all is new and so far we do everything together.  But is that healthy? 

I call her every day - mostly to make sure she's ... err ... doing ok.  And I listen, let her talk when I call.  But I'm very aware that we don't see eye to eye on a lot of topics. I'm also aware that in her mind, sis was smarter than me because she went to college. Or maybe she and mom saw eye to eye on more things.

So I need to find a way to protect my sanity and individuality; that I can do more on my own.  Joining PF was a start.  With cooler weather I plan on walking local parks, with my camera for pix.  But with all that, I still need to get her out too.

It's quite the conundrum. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm doing a lot of complaining,  but that's fear talking. I'm afraid of losing myself.  I did that once with an ex husband.  

In the meantime, I hiked my hiney to PF yesterday and today.  New achievement 5 miles, 22 mins on the bike.  

Shopping and Patience

Today was shopping day for Mom.  I run her over to let her shop for groceries, I push the cart.  And since we've been shopping together for a year, I know most of what she buys.  As we walk, I call out whatever the "usual" buys are, in case they are on the list.  It takes a good 90 minutes.

I didn't hit PF today, but went yesterday.  Three miles on the bike; probably just a tad over my limit, I have a few sore muscles today!!

But beyond these ordinary things, I am still working on balancing out my ... days and nights.  After years (and years!) Of getting up early because of work, I also find myself wanting to crawl into bed about 6:30pm.  I don't have to do this anymore, just like I don't have to wake up ar 4 or 5am.  But I can't seem to change that. Yet. I guess I just need some patience! 

Waiting

Are you good at waiting??  I'm not.   But its something we all have to do.  Wait for a cashier. Wait at the bank. Wait in traffic. Wait for the doc.  I know people estimate and calculate what percentage we spend sleeping, but what about waiting???  Maybe they don't calculate it because we'd be shocked at the number?

Waiting was also a photo topic. And even though it was close to 110F, this guy was waiting on a bus.  

They say that time is our most important commodity, the one thing we can't buy or get back. So use your time wisely. Spend time doing things that make you happy.  We all have those things we don't like to do, like work, but its the attitude of joy that makes even lousy tasks enjoyable!

So when you find yourself waiting,  see if there's something else to do to fill the time.  Personally, except for waiting in traffic, I grab my phone, open up my Kindle app and immerse myself in someone else's story.  If my nephew is along, we use the time to relate stories.  He loves to hear stories about his Nanny, my sister,  when we were kids.  

Time. Use it wisely. 

Motivation @PF

One benefit of growing old:  Silver Sneakers!   Its included in my new insurance bundle,  so I popped in at my local Planet Fitness and signed me up. 

I was /am a little nervous about spending too much time and effort at first, I don't want to overdo on my first day -- there's nothing worse than sore muscles when you're trying to sleep! 

I hopped on a recumbent bike and dialed in some settings.   First mile at a low resistance, another half mile on a medium resistance,  the last half mile lower and slower to cool down.   Yeah, I know, wasn't much, I'm trying to be careful with my knees. My FitBit recorded it as 25 minutes of cardio!

Now I just have to continue going every day!  

I Need Oomph!

Having nothing to do all day always seemed like a luxury when I was working.  There was a reason to get up and get busy 5 days a week.  Now if I wake up and don't want to get up, I can read while having breakfast in bed.  Nice!

Cooking and housecleaning aren't up there in my top ten.  Mom and I are so different. She has a tendency to do everything immediately.  The house is always "ready for company".  Now that I think about it, maybe its a kind of OCD. Her house has everything in its place.  At all times.  I'm guessing that after the two weeks of watching her great grandson, having my box of paints out on her kitchen table the entire time is probably driving her crazy!  I should take those home tomorrow.  lol

My own OCD is different.  Stuff in its place always? Not so much at home.  Hm. Maybe I'm not so OCD at home like I was at work?  They used to give me a hard time about how ordered things had to be.  But in my case, if it was ordered, we were more efficient and didn't spend time looking for things.

And maybe now that I'm home all the time, my OCD will take a different turn.  Taking it to the OCD level might give me some motivation to get more things done.  I know once the heat is over, it will be better.  Its difficult to be motivated when you can't do as much outdoors in summer.

And maybe that's just what I need. Put my OCD on overdrive, call it "getting organized" and get back some oomph.

Cuz I really need some oomph.

A Day of Rest

After having something to do every day this week, finally, a day with nothing scheduled.  Other than cooking up some meats I bought on yesterday's grocery shop.

I took the time to write an actual letter of thanks to my girlfriend. She sent me a pair of earrings for my birthday!  As always, my letters get long and wordy.

We have been friends since the sixth grade. We went to the same jr high and high school together.  Friendships are harder to maintain once you get past seeing each other at school on a daily basis. 

After I married and moved out, she would come hang out at the apt on Friday nights and we would watch Dallas together.  That JR, he was always up to something!!

But time has a funny way of getting in the way.  I had kids, moved out of state.  Keeping in touch became harder.  Then work schedules got in the way, aging parents needed to be cared for.  Lots of life events going on!

While there is that shared history, it becomes harder to relate to the current goings on because distance and circumstances have pushed the friendship to the back of day to day life.  

It was always fun to get together every time I visited my folks, but since mom relocated, I have no reason to visit "home" any longer.  

Its been many years since we met in 1970, and its funny that those 7 years of schooling were so important in who we were to become.  Then there's the 40+ years after high school ....  😔 

Where does the time go!  We sure did have some great times,  made some great memories!!

Back to School Traffic

I was helping my nephew today, he got busy at work and couldn't pick up Zane from school.  And things have changed since my own kids were that young!

Kids don't leave out the school gate until they are signed out by a parent.  Because I'm not a parent, J had to leave my name with the "gatekeeper".  

There were a LOT of cars there waiting for kids.  And when the bell rang, students began streaming from the doors and I wondered how I'd pick him out of the crowds.  Lucky for me, he spied me first.  

The world sure has changed since I went to school.   Even in second grade, I walked home six blocks by myself.  When my kids were in school, my mom watched them, they walked three blocks and Grandma met them halfway and walked the rest of the way together. 

If these are the changes that happened from generation to generation,  what's the next generation going to be like? 

Dental Anxiety

How many of you have anxiety about going to the dentist??  I usually do.  Not my fav place to go.  So today, Mom had a cleaning scheduled, and we headed over.  They called her back and I sat in the waiting room with my book. 

And then I thought "as long as I'm here" and asked the desk clerk if she had forms to fill out for a new patient.  I was told they do it all on line.  

"We have an opening, we could take you right now since you're here."   *gulp*

Ok ... Sign me up!

   ✔ another thing off my to do list. 

PS:  no cavities, YAY!

Take a Step

I have always enjoyed writing and have toyed with the thought of a novel.  I started working on one.  Big dream and no time to pursue it.  But maybe now?   Something to think about.

But I was reading a Danielle Steel book about a woman who was a writer until her son died, and then there were no more words.  And that made me wonder if that was the real tipping point of my not working on my own writing. 

The death of a loved one is always difficult.  Both my dad and sis died of cancer.  You know its coming, you think you're prepared,  but you never really are.  The grief is there.  But the loss of a child is ... overwhelming.  It changes things.  How you think.  What you feel. What's important to you.  Does it ever go back to the way it was?  No.  But you have choices,  you can make changes.  You need time first.  

Maybe that's what writing here has done for me.  A way to step back into writing without being specific in content,  free to write whatever comes to mind.  Which makes me want to chuckle and apologize at the same time as some of these posts have been .... not very read-worthy!  Mundane daily events, blurbs about this and that.  Just the junk in the daily life of an ordinary gal.

Learning to readjust to a new norm is currently my thing, and just maybe its time to consider getting back to writing. 

There are lots of choices ... all I need to do is just take a step and start. 

Its Mom

How often do you do things you don't want to do?  I have learned to say no quite often when it's not for me.  But that doesn't work with mom.  She is very ... set in her ways. Opinionated.  And sometimes passive aggressive.   Makes life interesting when I'm her caregiver.  Thankfully she's still functioning on her own in her own home.  

I drive her to all her appointments.  We get groceries every other weds. Now she wants to go to church every Sunday.  I know, I know, it wouldn't hurt me to go to church either, but we don't have the same needs and beliefs.  She still looks for church to be like its always been and churches are changing so that younger people feel included.  Hard to feel that way in the old liturgical format.

Today, I drove over to watch the Diamondbacks game, so that she doesn't feel so alone, cabin fever because its summer.  She's a huge sports fan, so its something to talk about.  

Its a huge responsibility to be everything she needs.  But its Mom.  So I do.

Move What Matters

That's the current Bowflex tag line:  Move what matters to you.  

I sat down at 4pm after spending the day cleaning house and thought "its too early to call it a day.  

So I hopped on my Bowflex treadmill, thinking I would just do a moderately slow walk.  But Gretchen Wilson's song came on "All Jacked Up".   So I upped the speed and set the incline in 9.  Every minute that passed, I lowered the incline but increased the speed by 1 tenth.  My heart was pounding and I just kept going.  

Near the 20 minute mark I decided to slow it down.  Then Government Mule started playing "Beautifully Broken".  While this wasn't one of their biggest hits, its one of my favs.  "Mysterious, Blown in with the night.  All this beauty captured in a frame"

While I have many fav songs with simple lyrics, this one gets to me in a way I can't put in words - and I don't usually lack for words!!  

Perfect slowdown for the end of my walk. 

Move what matters.  A new mantra.

Housecleaning Day

My "to do" list grows when I'm out and about with mom.  After two weeks of watching Mr Z, and running mom around to do errands (groceries, blood work, dr appt, xray, pharmacy, library) it was high time I spent time in my own home. 

Even though there weren't people or pets running around, with the AC running, it gets dusty quick!  

I'm pleasantly tired after knocking out the major chores like vacuuming and cleaning the floors, the bathrooms, change the bedsheets, do some laundry.  After a grocery run and this week's cooking, I'll scrub up the kitchen and get it ready for the week. 

There's something satisfying about getting things caught up again.  Accomplishments and crisp fresh bedsheets and I should sleep like a baby tonight!!

i hate change ...

... and this is the biggest one yet!  I used to rebel against changes at work.  I've always been one of those who says, if it ain't broke,  don't fix it.

Now I'm having to navigate social security websites, new health insurance and Medicare websites.  Along with these, I will need to revamp my own bill paying system.  All those little things, all changes, and they add up!

All these changes.

And at the moment, I'm not sure I can actually afford to live on social security.  Then again, do I really need to make my last years about saving money to pass down??  Maybe I can relearn some of the tricks I used to use when I was living lean with 2 kids to support.  

Meatless spaghetti, anyone???  

In Control or Controlling?

Most of the time I feel as if I am in control of life, of things around me.  I've been married before to the controlling type and I like to think I'm much more laid back than that.  If not laid back entirely, at least easy going.

But today I'm restless.  I don't feel like things are .... where they need to be. I'm retired. Its weird for me.  I can go to the gym. I could go out and take pix.  I could ... do so many things.  

I was the kind of person who didn't call out from work and say my car broke down when I really had something I wanted to do instead.  I believed that lying about your car, or being sick, meant that karma would somehow come around and it would really happen.  

But I feel guilty at the moment for not working.  I visited my store, and the dept where I worked so hard for 16 years to stay on top of was a huge shambles of a mess.  I wanted to cry first. Then thought I should jump in and help get caught up, but nope.  Not my job.  That's the part where the controlling comes in. MY dept, MY way.  I guess I assumed (incorrectly) that I had taught them how it needs to be done.

At the moment I feel guilty about being able to do the things I want to do.  I've never had this before!  So I'm feeling a little lost for the time being.

Maybe if I spend some time housecleaning - like a deep spring clean - I might feel better about things.  Because I need to feel in control. 

PS: the sunsets are amazing when there is a little bit of cloud cover!  I like summer monsoons!!