Anxiety

Mom is always anxious. But having an upcoming MRI makes her even more anxious.  Sunday, at 330pm she was wondering when she could eat dinner, even though no one else had arrived. (Dinner is usually at 5!)  She served herself and started eating, but couldn't finish, she's too anxious.  Her scan is on Tuesday. 

Today when I arrived, it took her 45 minutes to wind down about all her worries:

What time do I take my Ativan?  If I only take one, why did he give me 4?  It says take as needed. What does that mean? (Of course, I promptly asked Google and told her to take it one hour before scan.) She said, can you set your alarm??  *silent eye roll*  sure, but you'll be awake. Don't worry.

And why are they doing 3 separate MRIs on me???  Mom, why are you worrying? Can you change it? Do the nurses and techs know what they're doing?  Worrying won't change it, won't make it better, faster, or how the scan gets done.  It just is.  She sighs, I know but I can't help it.  

These are among my daily struggles with her ..... 

And now she's snoozing in her chair again.  I'm spending the night to ease her worries, but I'm not sure its much help. She has her own worry-mind, it spins constantly.

Picnic Dreams

I worked for a forklift company for 20+ years.  My boss was a good friend to me, and being I was one of few women in the parts/service end of things, I often helped him organize picnics and parties.  

So I'm doing my sleep thing last night, and dreaming about a picnic.  It was strange in that the memories of the people at the forklift company mingled with the people I met along the way at my BigBoxStore.   

I remember talking with my boss, Ed, about how these shindigs had grown from about 50 people "back in the day" (the 80s ) to over 400.  

I remember walking the outskirts of the crowd, not really taking part.  Most people were eating.  We always did fantastic BBQs back then.  

There were achievement awards for employees and little gift bags for the kids.  

Maybe I was just missing Ed. He was a great boss, an even better friend, and a personal mentor.  We met when I was just 18, so I truly grew up under his guidance.  He was more worldly than my parents. He had been a cop in Chicago for a while.  His son dated my sister a few times.  I knew his wife, Kathy.  He loved his 65 Mustang painted "honey gold".

For years after he and I both left the company and moved to other states, we stayed in touch with cards and letters.  He was one of the truly good men.

Amusing Mom Day

Before I get MrZ from school, I stop by mom's house.  I never know what its going to be like when I get there.  Today, it was obvious she'd spent the night not sleeping much, and worrying over every little thing , like:

How am I going to know when to take that pill?  (Ativan, because she's extremely anxious and claustrophobic before her MRI)

I think I'm taking too many pills, my feet wouldn't work this morning.

Oh good you're here, we should watch The Floor.  (Altho mostly she just yakked up a storm the show)

Did you look at the taxes?  (Yes, but forgot to bring the printouts)

I bet I'm going to need physical therapy, there's nothing wrong with me!  (Despite the pain shes been dealing with!)

She finally wound down from all the talking and snoozed in her chair at 4pm.  lol

When I have crazy days like these and head for home, I'm always happy to tune in and listen to Colton Dixon sing Up+Up Again:  Even though I walk thru the valley Sometimes it feels like I crawl through the valley.  If I get down, You lift me up again .....   give it a listen! 

Affection

Is your family an affectionate family? What would that look like?  Or what should it look like?  I've been thinking about this recently. 

I watch TV shows and movies, read books where people are open, teasing, laughing, hugging.  And I remember I wanted that when I was growing up.

My Aunt Margie was always a hugger, always willing to sit down and talk about things, serious things, funny things, feelings.  Even though she and my mother were raised in the same household, they are completely different people.  Then again, same for me and my sister.  

When I had kids, I always made the effort to be more like my Aunt, less like my mom.  But when I'm around my mother, we revert to old ways.  I'm the caretaker, taxi driver, one who handles phone calls.  And when I am around MrZ and MsJ, I'm a hugger, take time to talk, give praise, and say I love you.

And today's book read mentioned "caring about appearances".  And I realize that appearance was put above affection.  Even now, I see that trend in my mom.  She bought chairs that recline and swivel - but she hates looking at the round metal base the chair sits on.  So much so that she sewed some fabric to cover it up.  IMO that looks goofier than the metal base. 

But that's how she is ... always worried about how things look to others.  Sometimes I wonder what kind of elderly lady I will become.  I've taken to apologizing to my daughter for how I might be in the future.  lol. 

If you have family around you, remember its important to be affectionate, to tell them things you feel so they *know*.   Love them!!! 

Saranade

When I was a little girl, I got a dolly called Saranade for Christmas.  She was wonderful!!  She came with a record player, you could switch listening to music through the record player speaker or switch it over to hear the doll sing!  She had a speaker in her belly, and she was special!!

I remember listening to the soundtrack of the Mary Poppins movie on the record player.  I think I liked the record player better than the doll, I wasn't much of a doll person.

Isn't it strange what memories remain with us?  I can remember sitting with this doll on the couch (it was pea green!) And I remember dancing around listening to music on the record player in my bedroom.  As an added bonus, I can recall jumping off the toy box holding an umbrella while dancing around to the song "Chim chiminee chim chim cheree" --  and nope, we didn't float holding that umbrella! 

I don't know what happened to my dolly,  mom's a saver, but she probably got tossed at some point. 

It was a beautiful time being four back then!  RIP Saranade! 

Observations

MrZ is mostly a quiet kid.  And my mom is hard of hearing. And yet she often asks questions as she's walking out of a room. Today was "Did I get any mail?"  MrZ checks every day after school.  "No mail."  She didn't understand his answer and continued the conversation she so obviously was having in her head and says "Maybe he hasn't been here yet."  And MrZ speaks up, a little louder, "There is no mail today."  Just as she's walking back in the room.  Why ask if she's leaving the room????

Just one of those weird things I ponder from time to time.  After raising kids, grandkids, a few neighbor kids and now great grandkids, you'd think she wouldn't ask questions when she's not looking at anyone.  

The other observation I've noticed is she has continual conversations in her head, then comments a random statement about that convo, and sometimes its hard to keep up!  I've taken to asking her to repeat or explain what she's talking about because i have no idea where her mind is!

Much more of this health degradation she's having and it will be time for me to move in here.  That will be devastating for me because I do not like the same things she does, not the same foods, the same TV shows, and half the time, not the topics she cares to discuss.  

Sometimes, MrZ and I escape to the patio to play!

Oh Joy -Opiates!

Mom's pain hasn't subsided and she saw her doctor yesterday.  Because of her level of pain, he prescribed Tramadol (a mild opiate).  She was nervous about taking it, but did. She slept all night!  

He also recommended she get an MRI - scheduled for April 1 - and wants her to see a neurologist.  Her response:  I don't want to see a damn head doctor!!  I tried explaining exactly what that entails but shes been adamant about not seeing one.  

We shall see what happens! 

As for how it all shakes out between her and I- we each have issues.  And while I'm the kind who usually says forgive and forget, move on, its very hard to do when she doesn't change, still has the same actions and reactions.  Every day that I get home, I try to shake it all off. It sure isnt easy.    Because I know that tomorrow will be another round of words and hard feelings.  

Oh Joy!

Elder Care

I have been looking into elder care here in Arizona because I don't believe I will be the best person to be mom's caregiver.  

As we move toward a different phase of her life, the mother/child dynamic puts limitations on the relationship.  Add in the mental health changes, and it could create issues that aren't good for me.  Or her.

My mother can be toxic.  A recent example: she decided she needs a gardener as she is unable to do the tasks any longer.  I asked questions such as how often, what she wants done, because I know that she will ask me to make the call.  She then said she would talk to my brother when he arrives in 2 days.  Next thing I know, she is telling my brother *I* don't want her to have a gardener.  

We were shopping at Walmart looking for buttons to make a fix on a chair but they didn't have them.  Two days later, she's having leg pains and the buttons are forgotten in the caring for the pains issues and doctor visits. Now six weeks later, she's upset because we didn't get the buttons.  When I tried to order on line, she "has to see them" and even though she's not up to going shopping, shes still upset with me that this wasn't done and now she has a sore neck.

When we shopped for her new furniture, she liked the chairs she bought.  Now its six months later and shes upset that she didn't shop at LaZBoy first.  

When she wants to shop, I ask where she wants to shop.  And that's where we go.  Her choice. Always her choice.

As this situation changes, and if I have to make more decisions for her, they won't be the right ones.  I know she's thinking I will come live with her, take care of her, and do things her way.  Can't happen, because she would destroy my well being.  And she can't live with me, my house is too small for her and her stuff.  We tried it for 2 months.  Not sure we would have lasted much longer!! 

So how do you know when??  When do you draw the line in the sand??  Since December, I have been there at least 6 out of 7 days each week.  I know I've said it in the past, but when is it my turn???

As this saga moves forward, I'll be keeping elder care in mind, someone else to do chores and be a help mate. 

It can't just be me.

Genealogy and Lies

Internet research has made tracing family roots much easier than it was back in the 90s.  Back then, I sent out flyers to family members and asked them to mark any names, dates and notes they could recall.  It was quite the ordeal!

Now, family search dot org makes it quite easy, but you have to do your fair share of detective work, because some of the info isnt always entered accurately.  

Part of that problem is the lies that were passed down thru generations.  I thought my great grandfather's name was William.  Turns out he was born Heinrich Wilhelm.  And when he got the marriage license, he listed his bride as Ida Gorland.  Turns out, it was Ingeborg Grahn.  

But as a researcher, I'm not only interested in a list of names and dates.  I like the stories that go with it.  For example, Ida's dad, Markus, left her and her mother, and got involved with another woman and she had 6 half siblings that were never known. Until we started researching! 

But if its just a list of names, I'll brag and mention that i'm a descendant of Queen Elizabeth.  She is my 9th cousin 3 times removed.  *blink*  It comes down from my mother's family side.

No matter the family history, we are who we are.  But I still like to know the *stuff* !

Blustery

Blustery is a lovely word, sort of old fashioned,  and brings to mind Winnie the Pooh books.  

But that's also a great word to describe our weather today.  When I left for home, the ends were at 28mph with gusts up to 40mph. The skies were grayish brown full of dusty particles.

And then came the rain. And lightning. And thunder.  Talk about blustery!  But here in the Valley of the Sun,  these things move through pretty fast.  Three hours later, and there's a light breeze tinkling my wind chimes.  The ground is damp, and boy does wet desert smell good!  

Skies should be clear and blue tomorrow again unless the clouds stick around for a bit. 

On a different note, when I left this morning, I noticed my back gate was open.  I never use the gate, its difficult to open so I got a little concerned.  Guess I need to put a lock on the gate for peace of mind.  Maybe it was just neighborhood kids.

Beautiful!!!!!!

Peaceful Morning

Its early, 5:30 am.  I haven't had to get up for work in 10 months now, but my body still wakes up at o'dark hundred. So I use the time to read as the sun begins to lighten the skies.

Not that I read much that challenges me.  Mostly what I call chick lit -- stories with relationships, with a side of murder or mayhem thrown in.  Mostly I use them to escape.  But sometimes you can glean insights, if you are willing to look close enough. 

The pressure I've been feeling is perhaps lifted a little bit.  Giving Mom no choice, I dragged her to urgent care yesterday to see if we could get some help.  After hearing our "saga", she prescribed steroids, this time with a steady dose for 7 days.  I'm hoping this is a solution.  For the time being, because I will have more of these episodes as time goes on, I'm sure.

I still have To Do list that's long, but if I stay committed to doing at least one thing each day ..... even if its small progress, its moving forward. Today's task is mom's taxes. Mine are done. 

We had a little rain again last night, I love the sound of rain on the roof.  With that thought... have a wonderful day! 

Take a Walk

When I'm frustrated, I find the best way to let it all go is to take a walk.  

So Mom saw an ortho doc on Friday.  He gave her an Rx for some steroids to reduce inflammation.   After taking them for the first day, she felt really good.  So she stopped taking her Tylenol and reduced her Gabapentin.   And of course, today was another bad day.  And she thinks the steroids aren't working. 

I rolled my eyes, and bit my tongue to keep fron hollering.  I said now you don't really know if your bad day was because the steroids aren't working, or that she stopped taking pain meds.  Some days I want to ask her WTF is wrong with her thinking??? 

My nephew was listening in and asked why she stopped taking her meds??  What makes her do that??  A part of her problem is she looks up every drug and reads every side affect that could happen.  This causes her to worry, stirs up her anxiety and her body goes into fight or flight mode. She tenses up and boom .... more pain. Again. 

She wants to wait until her steroids are gone (4 more days) before calling the  pain management doc.  No way!  I'm calling tomorrow.

So ... after leaving her house, I went to my fav park and walked for a half hour. I felt better after! It was a beautiful day!

I'm a Food Addict

Its been six months since I started intermittent fasting, and eating right.

I have learned that I am a food addict.  I have little to no control when it comes to certain foods.  Especially pizza, gummy bears and chocolate chip cookies.  

I know that if I grab a cookie, a slice of pizza, a bag of gummy bears I don't control my intake.  I want them all!

So my style of eating and fasting isn't a diet any longer. It is no longer a short term solution to a long term problem.  It now has to be my lifestyle.  

And today, I'm ok with that!

We had good rains today!  #cloudporn

Feeling Ill

The stress lately is making me feel ill.  I wake up with stomach cramps, assuming this is caused by all the worry. 

Mom is her own source of stress.  She never even got dressed on Tuesday.  

I'm trying to be a help to my nephew, but I struggle some days because its more of a responsibility than I anticipated.  Of course, part of it is that mom kinda volunteered me. Its no secret that he's her fav.  

On top of that, I just realized yesterday that I have been overly lucky. Car batteries average 3-5 years according to Google.  Mine is 8 years old.  So I immediately called for some service, they can get me in Saturday.  By my estimation, I need to start my car 9-10 times until then.  Please cross your fingers for me!!!

Spending the night at mom's house tonight, to take her to the doctor in the morning.  I'm praying he can solve her problem!!!  Or give her drugs to help her relax. 

Lord, give me strength to get through these next 4 days.  Amen.

Elder Care

Aging parents aren't easy to care for at times.  I am not nurse material, and it becomes difficult to be "the boss" to my mother.  But its going to happen. 

Today, I arrived at her house at 2pm and she was still in pajamas.  She is struggling with pain and lack of sleep.  None of my suggestions seem to agree with her.  

The more pain she is in, the bigger the complaints become.  I get frustrated when she doesn't tell her doctor the whole truth about her pain, and when he tells her what to do, she puts it off and wants to see how she feels before she makes a phone call.  Then she has more pain and seeing a doctor takes a bit to get an appointment.  Which causes her to become angry at having pain, angry at the doc and angry at me.  

With the pain worse at night, I think she is sundowning.  I've tried having discussions without letting in the anger, but when I broach the subject of anxiety causing pain, she says don't tell me it's all in my head.  Some of it is. 

It's so frustrating.  I'm betting we will be calling in some kind of night nurse. It can't be me, I just can't deal with some of these things.  Ugh. Stressful. 

Success!!

Tech issues can be overwhelming!  Things change so fast these days, it's not always easy to keep up.   When I got a new phone, I realized that I would have to figure out how to connect the Bluetooth to the car.  

I made a couple of attempts while I was waiting in parking lots with no success. But somehow today, voila! They connected to each other without any trouble.  I was SO happy!!

Success!!

Feeling Defeated

I am back to struggling to get a good night's sleep.  And I'm feeling loads of stress again.  I retired to get rid of the stress and take care of me.  And now I'm not doing that because of family obligations. 

My word of the year is  commitment. And I want to keep doing just that.  But I'm also feeling a bit defeated.  I want to give what help I can, but need them to remember that I'm taking care of mom and she comes first; that some of my days are spent sitting on my ass all day like an 85 year old woman.  And I'm too young for that.  

I can't stand her game shows. The TV is up much too loud and I have had a perpetual headache for a week now.  Which causes me to take pills.   I've tried taking things to her house that I need to work on, but it doesn't get done. When I am there, she wants to yak at me.  Maybe when baseball is back on TV every day it will keep her  occupied???

I spent $$$ on myself to tackle my weight loss issues, a special app and some supplements. I pack my lunch and drinks to take with me every day to try and stay on program, but its not been working for the past two weeks.  I have no time to make adjustments needed.  What a waste of money.

Another week ahead, 2 morning appointments this week with mom, and getting MrZ.  That means 3 days @ 4 hours each that I get to do my own household chores and errands.  The only way to get more into that timetable is to set an alarm and get up before 7am.  Um hello, I am retired!   So much for these golden years. When's it my turn for for the fun stuff????

There was a camera being showed on TV and she says "you haven't been taking pictures lately."  I haven't taking any at all since she moved here.  And I lost interest when she blew me off a few years back when I was sharing some pix. Fact is, I haven't even been for a walk at my fav park in over a year. 

Just feeling so defeated this past week. I guess I have to start making more effort to carve out time for me.  But it shouldn't be this hard. 

Silvertone Guitar

Back in 1970-1972, my folks got me an accoustic guitar. I remember going to Sears, down the escalator to the appliances dept. There, in one aisle, was their limited selection of guitars.  If I remember correctly, it was $12 and some change.  It even came with a case!

I still have this guitar, and I took it out today.  It's sadly out of tune!  

My friend Shirley and I started to take guitar lessons from someone at St Lawrence.  We were so young! I don't remember what my expectations were for the lessons, but I do remember learning to play Norwegian Wood.  Looking back, I think the teacher was a Beatles fan!

My guitar is over 50 years old. What a lot of memories made with it! Happy times!