Feeling Defeated

I am back to struggling to get a good night's sleep.  And I'm feeling loads of stress again.  I retired to get rid of the stress and take care of me.  And now I'm not doing that because of family obligations. 

My word of the year is  commitment. And I want to keep doing just that.  But I'm also feeling a bit defeated.  I want to give what help I can, but need them to remember that I'm taking care of mom and she comes first; that some of my days are spent sitting on my ass all day like an 85 year old woman.  And I'm too young for that.  

I can't stand her game shows. The TV is up much too loud and I have had a perpetual headache for a week now.  Which causes me to take pills.   I've tried taking things to her house that I need to work on, but it doesn't get done. When I am there, she wants to yak at me.  Maybe when baseball is back on TV every day it will keep her  occupied???

I spent $$$ on myself to tackle my weight loss issues, a special app and some supplements. I pack my lunch and drinks to take with me every day to try and stay on program, but its not been working for the past two weeks.  I have no time to make adjustments needed.  What a waste of money.

Another week ahead, 2 morning appointments this week with mom, and getting MrZ.  That means 3 days @ 4 hours each that I get to do my own household chores and errands.  The only way to get more into that timetable is to set an alarm and get up before 7am.  Um hello, I am retired!   So much for these golden years. When's it my turn for for the fun stuff????

There was a camera being showed on TV and she says "you haven't been taking pictures lately."  I haven't taking any at all since she moved here.  And I lost interest when she blew me off a few years back when I was sharing some pix. Fact is, I haven't even been for a walk at my fav park in over a year. 

Just feeling so defeated this past week. I guess I have to start making more effort to carve out time for me.  But it shouldn't be this hard.