How You Feel

The last time I took mom to a doctor, he asked her to identify her level of pain on a chart.  She was mystified looking at the chart.

I was listening to a radio podcast talking about helping kids identify emotions. They are using the same sort of chart to help kids identify feelings.  Happy,  sad, embarrassed, angry, etc.  And I got to thinking about how I was raised. If, as kids, we were acting out, we were punished. No one asked us why we were misbehaving, or how we were feeling, just sent to our rooms.  

In other words, we were taught to suppress whatever we were feeling, taught to deflect our actions rather than acknowledge our emotions.  This is an Aha moment for me.  

Because now that I'm caring for mom, I realize that I learned as an adult to recognize and voice feelings. And she still hasn't.   Its sad because she internalizes her feelings until it comes out as anxiety, panic attacks and verbal abuse.  

Talking about feelings can be difficult but there isn't right and wrong, they're just feelings.  

Adulting Sucks

My retired life has become difficult to take, and some days I have a melt down.  Every day is filtered with the "what about mom" before anything else. But what about me?

Last Friday it was all about getting a medication refilled.  The doctor didn't want to give her a refill without an appointment, but hadn't explained that on our last visit.  She didn't have enough to get through the weekend.  

But it finally came through Friday afternoon.  Of course we had MrZ and MsJ, so we couldn't dash over to pick it up until my nephew picked up the kids.  And it was one of those days where he had to stay late. 

It was nearly 6, ready to head over to Walmart and Mom decides she wants to go along.  Normally I don't mind but geez, I'd been dealing with her and her stuff all day.  So off we go, she's walking so slow with her cane, and wants to hold on to a shopping cart as well.  What's normally a quick errand for me took nearly an hour.  When I get home late, I get crabby.  I like to be settled in for the night by 5, lately its been 6, but last night it was after 7 before I got home.  

It becomes difficult when your entire days and weeks revolve around doing things for Mom.  

Where do you draw a line when it comes to taking care of your elderly parent(s)?

She tries to engage in conversation, but only hears about half. But I've noticed that when I talk to her about things in my life, she tells those things to others.  I always thought of myself as having nothing to hide, but she takes it to a whole different level.  Which caused me to recognize that I don't tell her much anymore.   

While I love her because she's my mom, I don't much like her as a person.  

Why does that happen??? 

Them she pulls the woe is me crying and can you stay the night??  Just like the rest of my life, I have to figure out what to do and do it myself because no one else does.  

Adulting sucks.

Just The Way I Am

When does the excuse "thats just the way I am" let a person get away with stuff?  My mom uses that as an excuse, she has a mind that worries a lot, and uses anxiety meds to tame it down.  But it flares up, and I get the short end of the stick, and she always uses her famous line, "thats just the way I am".

Yesterday her anxiety flared up again because she was nervous about getting a steroid shot in her back.  I had left her house around 4pm. She was calling me to come back by 6.

So I drove over, then asked why was I here?  I just need you, she tells me.  Mom, I am here six days a week and I just left.  Then she sits there crying.  Mom, there's nothing I can do to help with your anxiety, its inside you.  More crying.   

Then she pulls out the big gun:  I watched your dad and your sister die and now I have nobody.  That blew my cork and I blurted out that my son committed suicide and I found his body and I dealt with it all alone.  I've been dealing with life all alone for 20 years now.  More crying still. 

I got up and walked to cool off, then sat back down and she says maybe we can help each other.  Gawd I wanted to roll my eyes just then.  I tried to have a calm conversation, but there isnt anything she has or can do to help me, so how could we help each other?  

Mom, its time we think about having some kind of nursing companion because im not equipped to deal with this.  She says I've never asked you to do any nursing stuff.  Mom, when you ask advice about medications, thats nursing stuff.  Even when a doctor tells you something (tramadol isnt addictive) you dont believe him.  So what I tell you doesn't mean much.  You need someone else to help with these kinds of things.

So I ended up sleeping over, and hate it.  She brought out the tears, and that just makes me mad.  I've tried to help her, but she ignores my advice.  And then I just give up.  Dont ask for advice if you dont want my opinion, or don't like what I tell you.  

And I dont buy "thats just the way I am"

CC Evolution

Sometimes I save the weirdest things!  When I became an adult, got my first credit card, I thought this was IT!  I finally felt all grown up!  Of course, the down side to credit cards was learning to make payments and being financially responsible. 

But as they came and went, name changes, canceling accounts, stores closing, it occurred to me to save them. Some days, there wouldn't BE credit cards!  We're not fully there yet, but how many of you pay for stuff with your phone???  

So I thought the old cards could tell a story some day.  Sometimes the cards themselves changed.  I remember my Macy's card was well used!  And Mervyns was my fav place to shop until  they closed.  Montgomery Wards closed  as well.  Chevron and Shell are still going strong.  Price Club became Costco.

Bank of America started the BankAmericard in 1958. It was rebranded as Visa in 1976.  But the store charge cards were easiest to get for young people just starting out.  My first credit card was JCPenney in 1976.  I still have that account!  In fact, ordering from the catalog was so popular back then I had my account number is memorized!  lol

As technology evolves, and things change, I will always remember my favorite cards! 

Edit:  some of these cards have no magnetic strip. They were put into a manual machine along with a 2 or 3 part invoice and the roller mechanism was slid across the card and back.  We called it "zip zap" .  Your total purchase and your account number was recorded on these slips.   How automated we have become!!! 

Cleanliness

Mom is all about "the clean".  She is very big on keeping up appearances.  I never wanted that for myself, and strive to be cautious about putting appearances before other stuff, especially people.  

I used to think that a person doing all those cleaning things as a sign of love.  I don't feel that way any more.  It would be one thing if they were done in the name of love, but set aside when other things were more important. 

That being said, while I am not the kind who has to vacuum "every Tuesday", or what other chores may be on the list.  I can set things aside when needed.  I've always lives by the motto "my house is clean enough to healthy and dirty enough to be happy."

However, I am careful in the kitchen. When prepping meats to cook or freeze, I am meticulous about using only certain knives and cutting board.  When I change from beef to chicken or anything else, if I can't wash my items in hot water and soap, I just grab clean tools. 

And I DO NOT reuse the Styrofoam trays that meat comes on unless its washed. But even then I usually don't either.  But I watched my mom prep her meats today. I shuddered over and over again as I watched.  And I'll just say that I am glad that I don't eat dinners at her house.  In fact, when she left the room, I wiped the counters down with disinfectant.  

Is this something that happens with elderly folks?  Do they simply forget the basics of food cross-contamination?  Maybe thats been just grained in me too long after 23 years at Walmart.  

Being clean has an element of common sense that goes with it for a reason. 

Better Habits

After making significant lifestyle changes, I can honestly say that I feel so much better.  I am fasting 16-18 hours most days.  My diet doesn't include snacks, treats, processed foods.  Even when my emotions cause me to feel down, to feel the need for something to eat, without those kinds of foods in the house, I choose good things. 

I drive by a McDonalds between me and mom, but I haven't had fast food since Sept 1.  

I am taking magnesium glyconate and collagen peptides.  And for the past five days, I wake up ready to tackle the day.  And I know its due to my better habits.  

Sometimes its hard. Sometimes I know I can do better. But some progress is better than no progress.  I have lost 15 pounds.  And I am happy with myself.  If I can do it, so can you. 

Bright Blessings.

Easter + Mom's Fall

Holidays frustrate me. Mom has always been big on celebrating every holiday, including setting the table with "the good dishes" and tried to do that again today.  She can barely hobble to the kitchen or bathroom and she wants to take time to set a special table???  

The big question:  why is she so focused on appearances???  

I understand a big holiday where the family shows up, but its just me, her fav grandson and and herself.  

And an update:  Mom fell on Friday because she was outside without her cane.  And she has gotten lazy about carrying her phone with her.  Today when I got there, she was using her cane and wearing her phone pouch again.

As I was leaving, she called to me and made me get out of my car that I'd already started so she could have a hug.  I am not touchy feely, I don't hug most people, and don't enjoy being 'forced' into it.  It's not an easy situation, and i'm not feeling guilty about my choices.  But it does bother me.  

Morning Joy

After a week or more of temps near 100, and way too early in the year, a storm rolled through the Valley last night.  And now the sun rises, the temp is hovering in the low 50s, and the birds are singing.  The rain washed the air -- and probably made a mess of my car .... I just washed it 3 days ago!

Its 6am, and while it's a little early, I'm going to get started on today's chore, painting my bedroom.  

Bright blessings!

My Crazy Life

If you're following my crazy life ... after a lousy night's sleep, I get up, get dressed and check - mom hasn't opened her bedroom door.  Great.  She tells me she's up at 5 or 6 every day and today, no sounds.  Finally around 830 I can hear her moving around.  Whew.  

Then she tells me that she decided to take one and a half pills of her Tramadol this morning.  "I thought we talked about taking a extra pill at lunch time" (to get her through the rough afternoons. )  Well she made decisions on her own.  

On top of that, she wandered around all morning seemingly fine.  But when I sat down in the living room, she went to her room and came out with her cane, little moans escaping as she moved around.

Then she asked when I was going to get her  some dulcolax at the store.  At the same time, she asks if its going to be hot, because she wants to bake cookies.  For reals?????

At this point, the thought that crosses my mind is could I just drive away and never be found again??  I know, not possible, but sheesh.

Its probably time to find a social worker to help us muddle through all of this. Because, frankly, I am out of my element and feeling a little lost.

Yep, Therapy Needed

I am going to need therapy after tonight. I got that dreaded call from mom, in full blown panic, "I just cant live alone any more."   Fk.  Fk. Fk. 

I hopped in my car, drove over. With stuff needed to spend the night.  Ugh.  I hate not sleeping in my bed. In my house. With my things.  

Of course, when I get here, full blown panic over.  A sort of passive aggressive behavior that is typical from her.  Not her first rodeo at doing this.  

I tried to be very calm, to figure out what happened between 515pm and 7pm.  I tried to ask questions, to get answers about what's going on.  "The pain never goes away."  "Are you still taking the Tramadol."  Her answers are vague, and I have to clarify the same questions again.  She's afraid to "take more" than the 1 pill at night, and one in the morning.  Even though the bottle is marked up to 4 pills per day.  I asked if she wanted me to call the doctor to verify if she can take more.  OK. Step 1 decided.  

Then she's worried how to get off the Tramadol.  I explained, again, that her appointment is coming up. Until then, she needs to keep taking it.  So we can worry about it after she's had her appointment.  

Can't figure out how she goes from A to Z other than its in her mind, from calm to full blown panic.  I told her gently that if she doesn't tell me something, how can I help?  But its getting difficult to be the calm reasonable one.

We shall see what tomorrow holds.  But I need to have an honest convo. I can't live with her.  I have to protect my own mental and physical health.  Me sitting here with her all day ... is not healthy for me.  

Assisted living? In home health care? 

Hilarity!

At mom's,  watching the Arizona  Diamondbacks play the Miami Marlins.  We're halfway through the game, and are told its Jackie Robinson Day and that all the players wear #42.  We never even noticed!!  We know our favorite players by their face, not the number, I guess!!

Go D'Backs!!!

Book Lover

I have always been a book lover, always loved to read.  And I still do!!  But I was thinking about some of the books I read as a kid.   Katie Kittenheart came to mind.  I probably read this about 2nd or 3rd grade.  And as I got a little older, I had the complete set of Donna Parker books.  She was special for me, being a young teen who goes through all those adolescent adventures, including crushes on boys.  Each story ended happily, and I lived through all of those special stories along with her!

Even as an adult, I have favorite authors and characters.  I like stories that have the same characters from one book to the next - they're very easy to become immersed in.  Fern Michaels does it well, Nora Roberts, James Patterson, Susan Mallery, Catherine Coulter, Sandra Brown ---- and so many, many more! 

And now I'm very close to that one year mark!  

What's your favorite read?

Plan Well!

On going headache ... every piece of mail causes mom to jump to conclusions about whatever it says.  She has an Rx for Tramadol, 50mg, and her insurance sent a letter saying they don't cover 25mg tablets.  But the letter also says they will cover 90 days worth if she needs it.  She got this mail on Saturday, and didn't tell me about it until I arrived today.  So 2 nights of worry ... for nothing. 

And because its getting closer, she is becoming agitated about her steroid shot.  I've told her she can refuse to have it done.  But she doesn't want to live with her pain, either.  Of course, she isn't doing much in the way of exercise to help herself.  

I opted out of Sunday dinner, so had two days to myself, no driving, no crazy convos or sitting around.  Yay me!  Instead I started painting my bedroom.  I was so tired last night, I was in bed at 530pm, but awake at 3am. Which begins my own tough cycle because its now 530 and I want to go to bed! 

Don't assume that retirement is going to start your golden years --- its not what you imagine!!  So plan well!!

Too Early!

I have lived in Arizona for 17 years now ... wow how time flies!  And this is the earliest I have had to turn AC on.  Friday, April 11th.  May 15th was always the average date when the hundred degree days started.  Sometimes a week or so earlier, but not a month!!

I hope this isn't an indication of how the summer will be!

And even though mom checks the temps several times a day, and complains about it being "too hot" (usually because she hears a number and relates it to living in Cali) she still wears a sweatshirt over her shirt.  Yes, even in summer!!

More painting on today's schedule... better get to it! 

Energized

I woke up early today and felt energized.  I was also dreading Sunday's family dinner, so I opted to start painting my bedroom.

I am using "Smooth Pebble" as a color, and find its much lighter than the previous color called "Platinum Ring".  As a side note, who goves names to the new colors??

Because I call her every day at the same time, I let her know today that I started painting.  A perfect excuse to skip driving across town tomorrow to watch everyone eat.  She prefers dinner at 5pm while I have dinner at 3pm because of my fasting choice.  

I like having a freshly painted room, although I think this project is going to take a while.  My room is 12x16 or so with 14ft ceilings!!  

Time to reassemble all the things I took from the walls, socket covers, pictures, etc! 

Dear Dad

Yesterday would have been my dad's 88th birthday.  He had me promise to take care of Mom when he knew he wouldn't beat cancer.  But now I wonder if he really knew what he was asking?

Did he have the same issues I'm having in taking care of mom?  Was she always this way and I never saw it growing up?

As kids, we aren't very aware of parental issues. Or maybe mine were the kind who hid things well.  They certainly didn't make a point to include us in conversations, or ask much of our opinions.  When I look back, I can see where real life issues were kept hidden away.  The main focus has always been keeping up appearances, clean house, clean yard, clean cars.  I'm not against those things, but should that be a priority over other things?

Like the stillborn son between my sister and I.  It was mentioned once, then never spoken of again.  I am certain the situation had repercussions for my parents.  Yet they never spoke of it. 

I remember once mom was taken away in an ambulance. We never talked about that, either.  For all I know, it was a similar breakdown of the sorts I've been dealing with.  

Dear Dad,

Why didn't you warn me? Why couldn't you talk about things that could have made a difference?  Did you know she showed preference of one child over the others? And that it has affected all of us for a lifetime?  And that it was the primary cause of moving me and my kids out of state?  

Was she always like this???

Your Daughter.

At a young age, probably 14 or 15, I realized I never wanted to be like my mother.  I made an effort to talk to my kids, to hug my kids, to let them know I would always answer any questions they had with as much honesty as I could.  Nothing was ever off limits.  And I said "I love you" often. I still do.  I have this same policy with my great nephew, MrZ.  He asks a LOT of questions. My mother deflects answering questions by asking if he wants a snack or a cookie.  I answer, and if I don't know, we Google!! 

Because I know what its like to have an unreachable parent. And now, this late in life, I am trying to navigate thru breaking these chains.

Life isn't easy.

Try New Things

On my way to healthier living, I've been fasting 16-18 hours each day.  My main meal is something I've cooked, dinner is yogurt with blueberries.  But my scale isnt moving lately, I keep fighting the same 2 pounds, up and down.  

So I decided to make a change.  I bought some collagen peptides and I mix it into the yogurt for dinner.  2 tbs is 70 calories and 18 grams of protein.  It says I should notice a difference in 2 weeks. 

I also changed to magnesium glyconate, its supposed to promote muscle relaxation and better sleep quality.  

I'm hoping for some changes in the next couple of weeks ...... keeping my fingers crossed!!  

I saw something that stuck with me:

On so many levels this resonates.  So that's a goal: choose your hard.

Taking Care of Biz

This year, my word to live by is commitment.  And I've been doing my best; its not always easy.  A person can be committed to one thing or another, but its harder to be committed  to more than one thing.  

In my case, its being committed to take care of mom.  And I also committed to helping my nephew do police academy by picking up his son from school every day.  When I made this commitment, I didn't realize that my mom's health (both physical and mental) would take a turn for the worse. 

The amount of stress as a result of these commitments make me realize that I am not capable of taking care of mom if her health doesn't improve.  And that raising kids is the job for parents.  My nephew needs to find a way once he graduates in July. 

The one commitment that I haven't been taking care of is me, my own health.  I thought I could be committed to exercise and eating right.  Its the exercise portion I'm lacking.  And its from a lack of time.  When I get home at the end of the day after taking care of others' needs, I'm too tired to take care of my own.  Mornings are centered on getting ready to do whatever for mom, groceries, doctors, prescriptions and the odd phone calls of "i feel funny" and trying to understand what that means.

Today when I left, she looked like she was going to ask me to come back, or to stay. But I need to stay true to me, too.  I kept going out the door.  I also took time this morning to give my bathroom a major clean, clean the kitchen, run the dishwasher, wipe down the floors.  

Because taking care of me and my needs should be a priority too.  So why do we feel guilty for doing that?  

Wise words:  be careful what you commit to!

Mom Humor

We are watching Pyramid, and the contestants are busy guessing words from clues.  And the word that comes up next :  DOMINATRIX and mom says, "what's that? I never heard that word"

Um, how to explain ???  lol (yikes!)

It Never Ends

Mama Drama never ends.  She's 87, her father lived to 104, so 17 more years??? 

At 730 this morning she calls, says she feels funny.  I said what kind of funny?  I dunno, just funny.  Call the doctor funny? Take you to Urgent Care funny?  No. Just funny.  *sigh*

After I picked up my grocery order, I headed over and sat with her. All afternoon.   I usually head for home about 5, but she asked me to stay. I stayed.  I watched her wander the floor and do her sighing moans.   She inhales very lightly then let's out an audible sighing moan.  At 630 she decided to head for her bed and I left.  

Now maybe that sounds cruel, leaving mom to fend for herself.  But I'm not a nurse, there's nothing much I can do except sit.  She has no temp, her stomach doesn't hurt, she refused to go to urgent care.  She's just nauseous. 

With her Tramadol, they told her to drink plenty of water.  When I got there today, she'd drank about 6 oz from mid morning to 5pm.  Not near enough.  Then she ate some hash browns she had fried in oil.  Shouldn't she avoid those for the time being? I asked. She glared.

I tried talking to her about controlling her body, how she needs to take slow deep breaths, control her breathing to help her relax.  I even brought over some CDs, instrumental for relaxing.  She tells me she "can't control her breathing, that's just how she is."  

She doesn't like my suggestions or advice,  but I'm the only one willing to give her attention.  I'm trying to let her make her own decisions, but that is soon coming to an end.  If we can't get her pain under control, shes going to have to hire a nurse.  Someone to look after her in general, someone who controls her meds.  It shouldn't be me.

ER Hell

Just after having a good doctor visit, then no meds called over, I sat with mom and she was in tears without her pain meds.  After an hour I realized there was no way she could get through the night. And by then the local Urgent Care was closed.  So off we go to the hospital ER, and stand in line. 

The line moved well enough getting us checked in.  Then we were moved to another waiting room.  And waited.  And waited.  And waited some more.  Mom was convinced they forgot about us.  

She sat in her chair as best she could - they aren't really comfortable - and did her moaning.  

After we saw a doc, we got enough meds for the next 36 hours.  The next morning I had to call the doc and get the meds ordered.  Man, do I hate having to take the time to do that!  But they were called in and i picked them up today.

But ... if she doesn't stop sitting in her chair all day and night, she is going to end up chair bound.  So I got "tuff" with her and bought a 60 minute timer. And told her she had to get out of the chair every 60 minutes.  Then I bought one of those large playballs from Walmart, and told her she needs to lay on her back, knees up for 5 mins every hour.  

We'll see if she keeps it up, her choice, I can suggest, but I can't be the slave driver!!  It would make me crazy!! 🤪  

Good News and Frustrations

So we took mom to a spine doctor today, looks like a pinched nerve (L5) and scheduled her for a steroid shot.  In the meantime, he was prescribing Tramadol for her until the appointment.  But something went wrong.

Either the doc didn't send it or Wal-Mart didn't get it???   

If this isnt anither case of one step forward and three steps back.  Now she has to endure a night of pain, and I get the pleasure of a) spending the night again and b) making a bunch of phone calls and driving all over to get the Rx filled.  Again.  

There's always a problem.

Every damn time.

Yes. I'm very frustrated!  Again!!!