A Satisfied Life

A satisfied life is better than a successful life.  Because success is measured by others, but our satisfaction is measured by our own heart, soul and mind.

I just read that today, and it resonated, it sums up how I've viewed my own life.  I could have done the college route, and I tried many times with night classes.

I've always said about my job that its not about the money.  I didn't go for a "career", it was more important to me to be satisfied than successful.  I have always been happier having to make do on le$$.  

But I don't feel satisfied taking care of mom. She wants me to be something different than who I am.  I can't be her emotional support.  I do what I can, run errands and bounce her ideas back at her. But I'm always at a loss when she cries, when she has anxiety. Those are emotions under her control.  But she tries to put it on me.  

So after a long afternoon of more of the same, I took a walk at the local park. It was 101, but I needed the outdoors! 

Caring Is Hard

What makes this eldercare journey so difficult?  After I left Thursday afternoon, I didn't go to her house Friday because I was waiting on some meds to be filled.  Once I got here today, the list of problems begins:

1. Why did it take so long for them to text me my meds were ready?

2. The yard looks so tough, why doesnt the landscaper spray for weeds?

3. I'm surprised my meds weren't ready until now?

4. I think the chicken you bought me gives me heartburn. 

5. When do I go to physical therapy again? I'm not scheduled for Monday, the 30th?

6. I couldn't find a new filter refrigerator so we probably need to order one.

We went through all of this and I've only been here less than an hour.  And yes, with each question, I answered, sometimes answered again.  But this is how it goes.  I try to be accepting, but when sh*t rolls downhill, guess where I am?   

I was reading on Reddit on the topic of caring for aging parents, and I am not alone!  It doesnt make things easier, but at least I know.  Its disappointing that there isn't actual conversation. But I lived in different states for 20+ years for a reason.

I ordered her filters along with 7 books to read. I'll spray the yard tomorrow morning.  She has meds to last her for the next 30 days.  I even bought Tums for the heartburn. 

I don't mind the aspects of doing things, driving to appointments, etc, but I hate being her emotional support. Its just not who I can be for her. Probably because she is SO needy, and so resistant to my suggestions of self help.

Which always leaves me to wonder what tomorrow will hold????

Happy weekend!

Friday to Saturday

Friday ...  Aahhhh.  A day with nothing scheduled.  A day to myself.  A day to catch up!   *sigh*  nope!

Mom texted ... she needs suppositories for her constipation.  She didn't need them yesterday when I was there all day??  

So its run to the store and grab her some  Dulcolax.  Then run to the YMCA to get MrZ.  And stop at her house. And here we sit again.  For four hours.  My nephew is working late.

And then comes Saturday.  I put my phone on Do Not Disturb .... because, well, just because.  And it looks like its not needed.  Almost a whole day and no word from anyone! I count that as a plus!

Which means a day to do my own stuff: clean the carpets and steam clean the tile floors.  Hadn't had time to do that in forever.  So I'm grateful for the time.

And the breathing room.  Because tomorrow I have to tell mom that I'm going out of town for 2 days.  Should be a fun conversation.

Her latest and greatest bright idea? Is for me to cook family dinner on Sundays. No!  I don't cook. I already do enough for her and my nephew, and I don't even eat the meals.  I told her that she needs to switchnitnup and out out bread and sandwich meat if she wants to feed them, something with no prep.  All I can do is shake my head and stick to my NO!

My Crazy Life

If you're following my crazy life ... after a lousy night's sleep, I get up, get dressed and check - mom hasn't opened her bedroom door.  Great.  She tells me she's up at 5 or 6 every day and today, no sounds.  Finally around 830 I can hear her moving around.  Whew.  

Then she tells me that she decided to take one and a half pills of her Tramadol this morning.  "I thought we talked about taking a extra pill at lunch time" (to get her through the rough afternoons. )  Well she made decisions on her own.  

On top of that, she wandered around all morning seemingly fine.  But when I sat down in the living room, she went to her room and came out with her cane, little moans escaping as she moved around.

Then she asked when I was going to get her  some dulcolax at the store.  At the same time, she asks if its going to be hot, because she wants to bake cookies.  For reals?????

At this point, the thought that crosses my mind is could I just drive away and never be found again??  I know, not possible, but sheesh.

Its probably time to find a social worker to help us muddle through all of this. Because, frankly, I am out of my element and feeling a little lost.

ER Hell

Just after having a good doctor visit, then no meds called over, I sat with mom and she was in tears without her pain meds.  After an hour I realized there was no way she could get through the night. And by then the local Urgent Care was closed.  So off we go to the hospital ER, and stand in line. 

The line moved well enough getting us checked in.  Then we were moved to another waiting room.  And waited.  And waited.  And waited some more.  Mom was convinced they forgot about us.  

She sat in her chair as best she could - they aren't really comfortable - and did her moaning.  

After we saw a doc, we got enough meds for the next 36 hours.  The next morning I had to call the doc and get the meds ordered.  Man, do I hate having to take the time to do that!  But they were called in and i picked them up today.

But ... if she doesn't stop sitting in her chair all day and night, she is going to end up chair bound.  So I got "tuff" with her and bought a 60 minute timer. And told her she had to get out of the chair every 60 minutes.  Then I bought one of those large playballs from Walmart, and told her she needs to lay on her back, knees up for 5 mins every hour.  

We'll see if she keeps it up, her choice, I can suggest, but I can't be the slave driver!!  It would make me crazy!! 🤪  

End of Stay

Today is day 3 of 3 staying with Mom.  My focus was to see if she was "sundowning" in some way.  And its not as escalated as it was 3 years ago. Thankfully!  But it could move in that direction, I suppose.

I have kept her busy with short walks around the block three times a day.  The goal is to tire her out, as well as keeping her body moving rather than sitting in a chair all day.  That portion seemed to help.

But I have to admit I'm ready to go home.  My own bed. My own timing. My own meals. My own peace. 

I am not cut out to live with my mother.

We Do Dumb Things

Mom takes Gabapentin, and its a med that you can't just stop taking.  Her Rx was running low and she was expecting to see her doc on Wednesday to get a new refill.  But he called out sick and we rescheduled for Monday.  Mom being Mom, she started panicking about running out.  Calls to the pharmacy. Calls to the doc. More calls to the pharmacy. More calls to the doc.

I sent her a text to expect a call from doc office today, but she didn't answer back.  So in my panic, I dashed over this morning.  When I talked with her yesterday, she had enough pills to get thru Thursday morning.  But then what??

My Mom can be a wreck at times when she gets anxious about things, and it happens often.  Really often.  At the same time, she likes a "perfect" house.  She keeps her daily pills in a pretty basket on her dresser. The ones that don't fit in the basket go into the cabinet.  

Her gab Rx is so many pills (and they aren't small!) it comes in 2 bottles.  She had tucked one bottle away in the cabinet and forgot about it.  

Today, she decided that she needed to check the cabinet.  Well lo and behold, there's another bottle of gab!!!!

Talk about doing a dumb thing!! 

At least I'm over being worried about her having withdrawal symptoms from running out of her pills!! But the reality is maybe were getting closer to the point where she needs someone monitoring her closer, every day.  That'll be my next job.