Before and After

As we reflect on the year that has passed, and anticipate the new year, I read a phrase worth pondering today:  Before and After. We all have those major moments:

Before high school graduation and after.

Before we were married and after.

Before we had children and after.

Before a parent died and after.

Before Grandchildren were born and after.

Before we retired and after.

All of us have major life events, and there's always a before and after they've happened. And while the events may or may not change, there's still before and after.  

But it's not only major events for this thought process.  As you ponder your resolutions, before and after could be as simple as before today and after today, before dinner and after dinner.  

I think we could make different choices if we include the smaller choices.  It could be as simple as thinking "before dinner I was busy but after dinner, instead of veging in front of the tv, I will take a walk." 

Major life changes always create a before and after, but little life changes could be good for us as well!  

What will your "before today starts" and "after the day ends" look like??

Am I a Redneck?

Today's walk in the neighborhood, I am always listening to randomness on my MP3 player ... yes I am old school!!

 As I walked past this flag, I heard "All you rednecks out there stand up and salute, While we play The Redneck National Anthem." (Released in 1976, Vernon Oxford)  I lived in Ohio for 10 years .... do I qualify??

Then there was this spiffy car ..... 

2204 steps, 8am, 59 degrees - track progress

Irony

Late Sunday eve, I kept repeating "patience, have patience" to myself as I groaned when my phone rang.  Mom.  

"I don't feel good".

I am never sure how to respond to that. So I try to break it down.  Are you having pain?  "No. I just don't feel right."  Nauseous?  "No. Kind of jittery".  Did something happen??  "They brought me my pills, but they didn't bring all of them."  Do you know what was missing?  "No. But I don't feel good now."

I get myself dressed,  grab the bag of her extra meds, and drive over.  Can't get in the facility without calling after hours.  I search out the med tech to find out what mom wasn't given.  Turns out, it was the anxiety meds.

Under the med techs watchful eye, I dole out meds for mom and head down the hall. When I get to her room, she's laying in bed, reading a book, looking totally calm and fine.  *deep breath, repeat "patience" to myself*

Handed mom her pills, she took them and I headed back home.  Crisis averted.

But this morning I'm chuckling to myself. She has always hated taking meds, always telling me she takes too many pills.  And yet the first time she doesn't get all of them, she launches into one of her anxiety episodes.  

Talk about irony!

A Sunrise Walk

Woke up today and said to myself, "Girl! Its time to do you!!"  So I got dressed and headed out for a walk.  Sunrise at 730am, 45 degrees, and it felt good. I kept it short on purpose, but that's ok. Build up to a goal, rather than burn yourself out after the first walk because you pushed too hard and end up with residual pain.  

Its easy to say, yep, I used to do 10k steps a day so I can still do that.  Nope, can't because I have spent the last 6+ months taking care of mom. She wants/needs company to sit with her. It wasn't enough knowing I was close and doing my own thing. She wants me to watch TV with her. Which means spending hours sitting, and more sitting.  

This new year means a new version of me. I want to do the things that used to give me pleasure again.  

Thats why I headed out for a walk.  And I liked it! 

1963 steps, 730a, 45degrees - track progress

Patience. Day 1

Patience and acceptance. Thats my credo for 2026. And its day one, sorta.  I always start a few days before the new year. 

But it took a lot of patience today. With Mom. Already.  It started with a text at 530am saying they wouldn't give her pain meds.  Frankly, if they gave her a pill at 10pm, she can't have another for 8 hours, that means 6am.  But she started trying at 330am. 

I sort of ignored her after she got her meds, figured it would all settle down.  However, the agitation of waiting caused her to have anxiety.  Anxiety causes stomach acid and it becomes a cycle of anxiety to acid to nausea over and over. By 2pm she called me in tears wanting me to "do something". 

Now I'll have to make an effort to be there this week when a doctor makes rounds because I know that she doesn't/didn't tell them about her anxiety.  A doc or nurse comes in and asks how she is and "fine" is her answer.  They take that for truth!! And why wouldn't they?? 

I took her outside for some fresh air. But she wiggles and jiggles in her chair, anxious to get back to her room.  But 15 mins is better than nothing.  

Once she gets bogged down into this cycle, its a hard climb out.  She moans and cries, then covers her mouth as if she's going to toss her cookies.  Average time is 90 minutes to semi normal.

She asked for a pain pill and they brought it at 3pm. At 330, I slipped a baggie of graham crackers and another baggie of saltines next to her chair to nibble on. Maybe they will soak up some of the acid! 

Patience. Day 1. 

Old Junk, Hidden Trinkets

Cleaning out Moms house is a chore! And Im laughing because I know we have to go thru every.single.thing.  and I know that because I was looking for some medical receipts in her files and found the photos shown below. An 8x10 B&W of Gary Cooper and Clara Bow.  *blink*  why?? and why??

Then under a box where mom had turned the lid over and set the box within, I found 3 old notes I had written back in 9th grade.  That was 1973!!!  They were apologies after I had been suspended for smoking in the girls' room.  (lol)  

Folded within her panty hose was a $50 bill.  It makes me wonder how long she's been "tucking things away", like a squirrel who hides nuts for winter.  

We all do things that might not make sense to someone else, or maybe we tuck something away to deal with later. But at what point is it innocent idiosyncrasies vs something else?  We were correct moving mom to a place where she can have help. 

Never an easy decision, and the elderly are cunning when it comes to hidng some of the deficits they may be noticing. Or not noticing!

Its been a wild ride so far, and there's still a ways to go.  But we've learned to be on the lookout for old junk, hidden trinkets! 

S.P.O.T.L.E.S.S.

The jingle of a morning text from mom greeted me again today.  "Bring my little vacuum".

Mom is never happy unless her home is spotless.  S.P.O.T.L.E.S.S.  in her new apt, she has dark floors, and every crumb shows up. She is also in a wheelchair with limited mobility, and housekeeping is a service included in her rent. 

Not good enough for her. She asked for a broom to sweep. And I asked what she planned to do after it's swept in a pile. She can't bend down to use the dustpan.  Then bring me a dust mop.  Where will you shake it out at?  So today, it was bring me the vacuum.

I guess thats going to be her solution. 

I'm all about her being independent and doing things for herself. But IMO, she should be taking care of her self, doing her exercises, getting herself to the different activities, not cleaning her apt so that housekeeping doesnt think she's.... *gulp*.... messy!?!?!

For a woman raised on a farm - and lets face it, dirt is a big part of that! - she seems overly obsessed with cleanliness and outward appearances.  No wonder she hated living with me.  

A country tune says "there might be a little dust on the bottle, but don't let it fool ya about what's inside. There might be a little dust on the bottle, but it's one of those things that gets sweeter with time."  

That's me. I'm not obsessed with a squeaky clean home. Yes, there is dust in places, maybe some crumbs on the floor, and probably a dirty dish and empty diet coke can on the living room end table. It doesnt stay that way for weeks on end (well, maybe the dust does!) 

But I'm OK with that.  She isn't!

Whatever keeps her happy. 

Patience and acceptance. This year's theme.

No Holiday Guilt

All the prep that goes into making it a Merry Christmas has become too much for me. We get busy buying, trying to find gifts for all the someones in our lives.  What makes some things go from excited to do it, to I'll do it but its lost the joy, to I'll do it but I can't wait til its over?

We've become inundated with guilt to buy more, buy the perfect gift, make a perfect meal.  

With everything going on, as the "oldest", I get the feeling that relatives might be expecting me to carry on some of the traditions. I used to be that person. But should I do that if it doesn't give me pleasure any more?? 

Over the years spent living away from my mother, things changed. Or maybe I just found my own voice, some of it through necessity.  

Holidays can look like anything you want them to be. In fact, they don't always have to be on the holiday themselves.  ie Don't wait until Valentine's day to tell someone you love them.  Holiday meals don't have to be a big production.  And for all of you struggling with time constraints to have one meal with his family then another meal with her family, why not spread it out? Declare the 25th of January to be one of those holidays?

Holidays should bring you joy. If the traditional way doesn't fit your needs, switch it up to something that does. Sometimes, there is joy in doing things "like you used to" but there's nothing wrong with things being different.

And I can tell this is a struggle for me, as well, because I've had to rewrite this several times.  Ok. Don't let someone else's version of holidays guilt you into doing something you don't want to do.  

On that note, even though Mom prefers traditions in a big way, this year, she isn't having Swedish Meatballs for a meal. I am making cheese tortellini with white sauce along with ham and peas. We are going to watch movies amd look at old photos I dug up and stuck in an album.  It will be a quiet kind of day, because that works best for her now. 

And I won't feel guilty about it. 

Numerology

Numerology is the mystical belief in a divine connection between numbers, letters, and life events, acting as a system for self-discovery and understanding life's patterns.

Are you a believer?  I like to dabble, and read up on things every now and then. Today I came across something that said if you add up the numbers on your house..... so I did.  And got "2" :::

It told me my house number 2 is moon energy.  

Vibration: Peace, emotion and relationships

Personality and Life: Ideal for families, artists. Brings harmony, creativity and emotional depth.

Caution: Can bring mood swings or over-emotionality.  Keep space calm and clutter free.

My house has always suited me. From the moment I walked in, it felt like mine. It isn't a perfect house, on the small side, appliances and finishes are basic. But that's never been important to me.  From the minute Mom moved here, she was all about "encouraging" me to upgrade the kitchen, the bathroom, the carpets. Ugh!

I like a home that functions, not looks good for company! 

So .... moon energy it is! 

Patience, Please

Every year, I try and pick a word that will help me aling the right path for the year. Last year was commitment, the year before was intentional.  But I think my "word" for 2026 needs to be patience.  

Because as I look ahead to the coming year, I know I am going to need a ton of patience dealing with Mom.

Friday's visit, she told me the nurses are wanting her to be more independent, to wheel herself to the dining hall, for example.  And we tried that while I was there. And she seemed to handle it fine. 

I didn't visit yesterday, and this morning she tells me she's having a lot of back pain from wheeling herself around, so "no more of that".  *smh*  When you start using new muscles, you will have some pains! But she's never been to a gym, so ......

She also tells me "Bring some checks. I should have already mailed [your brother's]."  I'm not even going to go there.

So.... patience.  

I've always heard it said "Be careful what you pray for, you just might get it."  In other words, if I pray for more patience, I may be given more circumstances that require more patience??? Yikes.

So.... patience. Please.

Photo Albums

Photo albums are a thing from the past. But should they be??  I've always been a huge picture taker, it started when I got my first camera at 11.  I think it was a Kodak Instamatic. 

Photos were displayed in an album so you could look at them, remember good times with family and friends.  But what will happen in the future when all our photos are on our phones?  No one can see them unless you share on a public venue, Facebook or Instagram for example.

I started taking mom's photo albums home to peruse. I created a Facebook group for family and have been sharing photos for 5 years now, so that the younger generations can see their family histories. 

Once I started digging deep, I found Mom had envelopes with names on them, one for each of us kids. So I took those photos and put them in an album. Then I found another spot where she had stashed another set of envelopes with our names, photos of each of us inside. So those were put in the same album.  

In yet another place, I found a cardboard box with about twenty 11x14 photos in them. Some I had never seen!  And while it may be sacrilege to resize them, I trimmed to fit in my 12x12 album. Now they can be seen!

I'm going to share the album with mom on Christmas day. Will give us something to do. Maybe she will share some memories. 

 

Texting & Punctuation

Sometimes I dislike texting. To me, its writing ...... use good dialog and punctuation!! Otherwise your texts look demanding. And grouchy! 

Its a pet peeve with me.  And I know you younger folks will disagree.  All the little acronyms (iykyk) look a little strange when you're texting with someone who doesn't get the lingo!  Maybe I shouldn't let texts get to me.  I put up with it because it's a quick way to relay information.

But its the texts from mom that irritate me. If she's not complaining, she's demanding.  But thats her baseline irl as well.  We can be sitting there, and she says "get me my book".  Then she waits until I am sitting down again and she asks to get some cookies out of the drawer.  No please and thank-you's.  

And maybe it irritates even more because she was that mom who forced us to say the please and thank-you's, to always be polite and ask. And now she doesn't.  

So I endure the texts,  and with a semi smile, do what needs doing. 

But when I send a text, its full sentences and good punctuation.  Because commas and exclamation points can change the whole meaning of a text! 

Fears

Everyone has fears, even me.  Typical ones, like falling. For me, its standing on a bridge and jumping into the water.  I have always loved water, jumping in, so I avoid bridges to avoid the sensation/desire. Not too bad, in the bigger picture.

I visited Mom today, and her nurses are wanting her to pick up the pace, learn to get herself around in her wheelchair.  She has resisted so far, preferring to sit and let someone push her while she waves to folks.

Me, if I was wheelchair bound, the first thing I would take charge of is my mobility. Then I could go to meals or sit outside on my time.

Mom has always wanted to be in control, but in control of people.  Even today, 15 minutes after telling me she's supposed to be more independent, she began issuing orders. Put this here, get that, move my chair. Happens most days.

So I stood out of the way and let her wheel herself toward the dining hall.  It took a bit of time, but after we finally got there, she admitted her fear: finding her way back to her room.  I assured her (yet again) that the hallways make a complete circle, she can't get lost.  She's been making the same trek to the dining hall for more than 3 weeks.  And was still afraid she'd get lost. 

From wherever your fear comes from, talking about it, admitting it, and letting someone else help can solve a lot of problems. Next visit, I'm letting Mom give directions. Maybe it will help ease this one fear.

Addicted to Books

A million things to do, so many things that need taking care of, and yet here I sit, scrolling on my phone, finding good books to read.

I have a load of laundry I just moved from the washer to the dryer, and as I wait, I could be doing other things. Yet the call of a good book to read is something I find hard to resist!!

I am currently reading Greg Iles' novels. I enjoy his Penn Cage series, they're hard to put down!!!  But something about his writing draws me more than the story. I think it has to do with how he adds realism to the stories. There's the story of the characters, but it doesn't jump back and forth from events to dialog.  There is also the thought process in between, lines like "Life taught me long ago how thin the veneer of civilization really is...". His Penn Cage stories are set in the south, and you get a feel for a different way of life. 

I am currently reading "Southern Man", but I have two more of his novels queued up!  Its been above average warm (80+ yesterday!) here in the Valley of the Sun, maybe I'll read and eat lunch while I sit in the sun today!

Holiday Choices

I was thinking, or maybe it was more like comparing, my life to my mother's life. Mostly when it comes to holidays. 

My parents left their families behind in MN and moved to Calif in 1963. The only Christmas holiday they spent there was in 1970. Otherwise, all our holidays were spent at home. Even when we shared holidays with family or friends in Cali, it was always at our house.

Am I trying to make a point? Yes. Mom didn't care for her parents or Dad's parents as they aged. They didn't spend holidays choosing between one house or the other, one family over another.

I guess my point has more to do with choices being "forced" on me.  I can choose being with my mom in assisted living with no other relatives visiting her, or driving to see my daughter, granddaughter and great granddaughter. I know which I would prefer. 

But can I do that and not feel guilty?? Even if I can get past my own guilt, will she make a point to make me feel guilty the next day??

It just doesn't seem fair. I may have to make a point of saying "I'm here with you this year, but I won't be here next year."  I wonder if that would fly?? 

Mondays

When I worked, Mondays were always the "struggle day" when going back to work.  Now that I'm retired they don't have the same impact. And yet.... the struggle seems to stick with me.

I am trying to slowly back off visiting time with Mom. So far, every attempt to skip a day visiting means I will get plenty of texts.

Today, I brought her a lamp I repaired. I only stopped in to drop it off, told her she was having a PT nurse visit.  She said OK. But when the nurse got there, she had left and went to the dining hall for lunch.  Lol. The nurse called me, then mom texted me. 4 times!

Even though I didn't spend much time with her today, she sent me to her house to find a few things. So I am not sure it counted as a day away from her!  Haha 

For me, every day seems a struggle lately. There's not an escape, I just have to do what needs doing. The doing is ok, its the emotions that surround the rest of it thats hard. Her house, her money, her appointments... all of these things I have to keep track of for her. Plus all my own stuff. Add in the holidays and its just too much. So I find myself frozen to the TV instead of taking care of me. But that could be a whole post on its own! 

Needless to say, Mondays are still a hassle!

Stress Seems Less

Stress can make you crazy!  Especially during the holidays.  There are always too many things that need doing, along with the other normal things that need to be done on a daily basis.  So how do you handle holiday stress?  Do you try to spread out the "jobs" that need doing?

When there isn't much money, you invent ways to be creative.  I saw one woman who was going to a "white elephant" gift exchange.  She wrapped up a dustpan -- leaving the shape obvious!  But what you didn't know until it was opened there was a gift card taped inside.  I thought that was pretty creative! 

When I was raising six kids, there was NEVER enough money to go around.  So we would draw names, then our entire clan -- all 8 of us (or more) would head to the local dollar store.  Each person was given $1.25 (to cover tax!) and had to find something for the person they drew.  Most times, it ended up being something silly -- like one son bought his grandpa a tiny drum, because he always says he wants to learn to play !!   When he opened it, we all got a really big laugh.  

When I was shipping gifts to my nephews in another state, one year I bought them all a paddle ball -- you know, rubber ball on an elastic string and you tried to bounce the ball, counting how many times you could get in a row.  It was a silly gift, but kept my 4 nephews busy for quite a while!  (they were teenagers!)

Finding a way to lighten your load during the holidays helps make the stress seem less.  Drawing names for gift giving reduces the number of shopping trips.  Having each family bring a portion of the meal could ease the cook's stress.  Don't let "the rules" of a holiday overshadow the enjoyment of a holiday.

My mom's big on "the rules", and frankly, I'm not sure if anyone gets past the stress that creates.

Find a way to make the stress seem less. Bend the rules, or break them if you have to! When you look back on memories, you will remember the people you love, and the fun you had. 

Happy Holidays!

Christmas Prep

Once I started working retail, my enjoyment of the holiday season decreased every year, bit by bit, so that eventually I got to the point where I didn't even put up decorations at home. 

I haven't put up any this year, either.  And I have no idea what the holidays will look like for our family. My brother is in NV, and mom is in assisted living, its going to be a strange holiday. I know I will be keeping her company at her place.  

I thought about taking her to my house, but her wheelchair won't fit in any of my bathrooms.  So we may not even have a meal together, as she only has a kitchenette.  Unless I cook up something and bring it over.  *sigh* 

I tried to do some wrapping, but that went start and stop.  I had a premonition and started buying a few weeks ago. But sadly, some of the gifts for mom were solar decor for her yard.  And now, no yard. Time to regroup!

Happy Holidays!

I Won a Prize!

When I was in the 5th grade, around 1969, Sunday School classes had a contest. We were asked to memorize and recite the Ten Commandments. The memorizing part wasn't difficult, but reciting them out loud in front of someone was terrifying for me!

But I did it!!

My prize was this charm bracelet with Commandments written on each charm. I wore it proudly each Sunday, but that stopped as I became a teenager with attitude!

Back to the 1980s

It's weird what you discover a parent keeps. I'm in the process of cleaning things out at Mom's, and even though I helped her pack and move three years ago, I am still amazed at how much she still has!  I think I counted 48 kitchen towels!  Haha

I opened a cupboard and found the steak knife set I had given them back in the early 1980s!!! I had just barely gotten out of high school, newly married, and that meant stepping things up when it comes to Christmas gifts.  

This was also back in the days when we would go buy a few porterhouse steaks and grill them up for dinner!   Yummm! 

I definitely don't mind that she saved photos, but it will take some thinking as to what or how to handle them.  Keep them intact? Or sort them by family and share??  I know I'll be posting the best of the best to our family Facebook page. But Mom kept every single pic anyone sent her over the years! And we're talking a LOT of years!! 

Maybe I should celebrate this find and cook up a steak to enjoy!

Accumulations!

Thats what I'm calling this stuff: accumulations.  I am at moms waiting for the bug spray guy and Im looking at all the stuff left behind. She can't take it all with her.  

She has one son, one daughter, one granddaughter and five grandsons.  Grandsons arent much interested in having grandmas stuff.  Theres not a lot I'm interested in, either. 

So a little overwhelming to speculate who is getting what.  Some of its obvious, trash or goodwill.  And I'm taking all the photos (genealogy is my thing!!) 

But mom was a collector. Major collector! There are two sets of China, fostoria crystal, two sets of silver eating utensils. And she never went with "eight is enough" . They are ALL sets of 12.  *eyeroll*  In the old days, you had china for special occasions and holidays. But these days, folks just don't do dinner parties like they used to.  So what do you do with this stuff??? 

Some china used to appreciate in value.  But it only happens when someone is willing to pay for it. These days, kids dont want "Gramma's old stuff".  Me??  I'll take any and all photos! Here's my folks, dressed for square dancing, early 80s. They loved it! 

An added side note, mom sewed all her dresses and matching neckties for dad! 

Do You Get Stuck?

I'm tired a lot, and I know I keep harping about it here.  My apologies!  

But Thursday, I woke up and I just couldn't seem to get myself motivated!  I layed in bed -- partly because the house was so cold! -- and just played games on my phone.  

So is that being lazy? Practical? Ambivalent? Or just hiding from the world?  Probably all of the above. 

Procrastination.  Yeah. That too.  

Getting up means getting on with the day, getting on with the tasks, and getting things done.  And my gut is so queasy, has been for weeks now.  Having to make decisions that affect mom's life .... UGH!  Because what I choose isn't always right in her eyes. Or maybe her negativity means there is always some portion that is criticized, even if its mostly the right decision.  

A typical example of mom's mentality. Weds she complained that the nurse gets her up at 7am.  Friday, she complained they didn't get her up until 8:10.   How can you keep a woman like that happy???  She finds fault with a lot. As I left, she said "i love you, girl." And I'm wondering if I should be offended..... am I reduced to being "girl"??

Trying to help her live her best life becomes impossible at times, and interferes with my best life.  There are no easy answers and at times I feel stuck.  I arrange my days as best I can to do what's best for everyone.

The holidays are going to be very different!

Tired of Being Tired

There is so much going on. That doesn't seem to be going away any time soon.  I'm tired of being the one holding all the strings. 

I spent yesterday cleaning and cleansing my own little world for my own peace of mind. I thought I could have a day away from my mother for once.  

But no!  I get a text "are you coming over i cant get the tv to work hope you can fix it" then a few minutes later "what about the bed are you bringing that"  

By this time all I can do is an *eyeroll*  I can't just pop over to help you turn on the tv, and the bed was delivered to Dave, you'll have to ask him.  But I went like a good daughter and then sat there watching a soap I dont follow for an hour.  WTF?  I don't have the time or patience for this.

Nearly a year ago we discussed her going into assisted living.  And I told my brother that all she would do is sit in her apt, all alone.  And I was right.  I dragged her ass around the facility, took her outside. Then up the elevator to see the theater room, the gym, the game room, the library. 

I'm tired.

That was my Monday.  Tuesday we had a notary come over.  With all these changes, my phone rings constantly with numbers I don't recognize. I don't answer most. Thankfully, the important ones leave messages! Items are being slowly completed and maybe this Rollercoaster will slow down.  I need it to!  I'm tired of being tired.

Last night, I watched Mr Holland's Opus. Yes, I've seen it many times, but its a good movie. Watching good movies are a very fine way to escape from the pressure. It may be short lived, but its something! 

Cleanse & Move On

Up and at 'em early today to clean my house. And extra layer of deep cleaning after someone was in here.  I also have some sage to smudge about to cleanse.

But I got to thinking.  My mom has some deep seated fears formed in her childhood. And apparently she hasn't ever gotten over them.  So I keep finding it odd that she asked me to bring her the picture of the farmhouse she grew up in.  If it was full of bad memories, would you want that around?   Maybe seeing it on a daily basis doesn't give her comfort but agitation?

Heck, I'm no shrink, I couldn't begin to hazard a guess.  Just trying to use a little logic and/or common sense.  

As for my own house, sixteen years ago I signed a pile of papers. This is the longest I've ever lived in one place!! I'm not going to let that someone who had the nerve to invade my personal space affect me. 

I will clean and cleanse and move on.