Tiiired

Completely tired is what  I am.  I'm feeling depleted. And yet I still managed to get to the gym and churn out 1.75 miles in 30 minutes -- with a 330 calorie burn achieved with lots of incline.  But what I'm finding is that the more tired and depleted I feel, the lower my emotional balance becomes.  I was grabbing my bag to leave the gym and felt like I would burst into tears at any moment.  ugh- that's not good!

On a better note:  Tracker UPDATE:  54.7 miles in 2013  ... only 329.3 to go!

And even though Thursday is my night out -- a trip to the library, walk Sadie in the park, stop and Taco Bell for a salad on the way home -- all I wanted was to get it over with.  What puts a person's emotional health back on an even keel? 

On the way home from work, I heard a song called "Shattered" by O.A.R.  where he asks the question "How many times can I break til I shatter?"  We humans are a resilient sort, thankfully.  In the song he says "I always turn the car around."   Sometimes its hard to break a pattern in order to create something new. 

But its important that we all do it from time to time.

Weigh In Weds

Well.  My second weigh in  and my third week of training.   It wasn't as good as I hoped for, but it held true to my efforts last year in the beginning of my training -- up 1.5 lbs on the scale.  But that's not always the only measurement we should be looking at.  And I know this in my mind -- it just takes a little effort to get past the dashing of my hopes. 

With that in mind, Russell took some 'body fat' measurements to give us something else besides the scale to measure progress.

Russell said we'd be "ramping it up" this week - and he sure did!  Every routine, every move, was done with more weight than I've ever lifted.  So I'm feeling it already - I wonder what tomorrow will feel like!  hehehe

As usual, I have homework for the weekend -- some of the workout moves he's been teaching me.  (BTW, reverse crunches are one of my least favorite moves!)

So its onward, no looking back and only moving forward with better eating choices, and more cardio.  Yesterday I completed 60 minutes and 3.5 miles on the treadmill and was pleased with that.  I'll be working on trying to increase my miles in that amount of time next, which means more running and less walking! 

During today's workout, I was at a point where I was quite fatigued, and only had 5 more lifts to go -- and I got quite winded.  Or maybe it was more asthmatic?  Felt like my throat was constricting and I couldn't get any oxygen.  After a few moments of forcing myself to breathe deep and relax, I was feeling better again.  I think it happens when I push myself and forget to breathe while I'm doing an exercise.  Yeah. silly me!!  It's really nice to have a trainer who makes notes of that and will make sure to keep an eye on me next time! 

When it was near the end of my session, he stuck me on the floor and stretched me all out --- I can not tell you enough how wonderful it feels to have exerted all your muscles to the max then have someone stretch those muscles.  I walk to my car afterwards and my body feels like jello -- a little quivery but still intact.  Its a glorious feeling! 

Sixth Sense

Women have a sixth sense.  And those who learn to listen to it can find it to be a big help.  But women also have a different type of sixth sense that's related to their spouse.   And it can be quite strong.  When a woman senses something regarding her spouse, she becomes "on guard" for every nuance, every change.  And believe me, its easy to see them.

My ex all of a sudden started getting up 30 minutes earlier every day.  He was also using a new brand of toothpaste and rinsing with mouthwash every morning.   He bought new underwear.
He bought a cell phone.    and my sixth sense went into overdrive.  As much as I didn't want to believe it, the signs were very easy to read.

Its very simple with the advent of the internet and all its "ins and outs" to log on to accounts to track purchases, phone records, credit cards data, even following a person's facebook page can tell you a lot about things going on in your spouse's life. I'd bet you can even track a phone's GPS if you got all into whatever makes that run.  And with very little computer know-how, you can check their websites, where they go, pages they read on a regular basis.

Why am I thinking about this now?
I don't need to .... no more spouse in this Gal's life.
What I do is my own business, my own decisions.

But I believe there is someone reading my blog who is in the same place where once was:  on guard for every nuance, every change.   And if that's true, then I'd like to point out some obvious questions that I ended up asking myself:  Am I happy with my spouse?  Is the relationship worth this type of thing?  If I have all these suspicions now, what does the future hold?  Do I want a future with someone who behaves this way?  My answers to all of them was a big resounding NO. 

The biggest lesson in it all was learning that you can't hold on so tight that you smother the other person -- checking and wanting to know where someone is every minute of the day limits your own life and in my opinion reduces your own self respect.   I don't think you can continue to hold on tighter and tighter and still maintain respect for yourself, and for your spouse.

After I figured that out, it was easy to stop checking, to stop wondering, to stop worrying.  When you get to the point where it doesn't matter any longer, you stop the worrying, the fighting, the arguments and start living for yourself again.  When that happens, your self respect begins to grow, and you start choosing things for you again.

That's when your sixth sense pays off ---
it begins to pay attention to you and your needs. 
If you aren't happy with yourself,
no one else can be happy with you either.
 

Family

 

When you look 

at your life, 

the greatest happinesses 

are family happinesses.  

~Joyce Brothers

(Mom, Aunt Margie and Tanya painting stripes on my wall!)

Dad and Brian working on the new gutters for the back of the house! 

Furniture!

Just like clockwork, at 8:35am, my delivery guys arrived with my loveseat and chair.  How exciting to have new furniture - even moreso, I've been in the desert without living room furniture for five years now!  hehehehe  I'll have fun trying to arrange and rearrange furniture -- just like a typical woman!!!!!   *laughs at herself*

 Monday will be a sad day,
my parents are returning home --
it was so wonderful having them
here for this week!!!

Busy Saturdays

OK, its official:  :  :  :  I am  less tired when I go to work and do all the work-y things I need to get done than it is to stay at home with a daughter, a son, a granddaughter, two dogs and entertain my parents too.  Its 3pm and I'm totally exhausted!   hahahaha  I'm not sure what makes me think its a relaxing "vacation" when they're all here!!  *chuckles*   But I'm not complaining - I will live with tired when I get some awesome memories.

Up at 6am, and out walking two dogs by 6:15.  When I returned home at 6:45, my daughter was already up *blink*blink*  I was surprised, but it was fine :)  She cooked up some eggs, we both had our shower, got some house straightening up done.  By the time my granddaughter and son woke up, her and I had a nice chit chat about furniture -- more specifically, the lack of furniture in my house!   I haven't bought any since I moved to Arizona.  In fact, the last time I bought a couch was 1992 -- and my daughter still uses that couch!  yikes!

So she convinced me that we needed to head out and look at furniture - a chore I detest when doing it alone.  And I put it off for other reasons too, but that's a different kettle of fish.  Anyways, we headed off toward a strip mall with two furniture stores in it. And went into the one that opened first.  We went in, turned a corner and I liked the first one I saw.  But the sofa was too big, so we walked over the entire store and every other couch was just as big.  Or had a patterned fabric.  Or some other reason.  We stopped at one, and it was eh, mostly ok, but I wanted to see the first one we stopped at again. And yep.  I bought me a love seat and chair.  And we were done and home in less than an hour -- the new pieces will be delivered on Sunday!  Yippee -- it will look more like a real home now, for sure :)

My parents came over after that and Dad was gonna help my son put gutters on the back of the house to help with the rainwater issues.  They worked and worked.  Mom and my aunt -- well, you can't come to my house without doing something that they put their 'mark' on here -- so I had them painting stripes on my concrete block wall.  And it looks fabulous!  I love it :)   (Sorry Aunt Margie, but you just never know what you're gonna get into when you come over to my house!!! lol )

Twinkle, Twinkle

Its 8pm, and I am sitting in my room cross legged on the floor, listening to my granddaughter, who is 10, playing Twinkle, Twinkle on the guitar.  To be exact, on MY guitar, the one I received when I turned 12 years old.   (Don't do the math to see how old it is, you might hurt yourself!)   She's pretty good, playing notes, not strumming chords.   :)  Of course, I'm a very proud grandmother!

It was a busy, hectic day - the kind that happen when my 'girls' come up for the weekend.  We started out the day at the swap meet, and usually I'm just along for the ride while others shop.  Today, I got caught up in it.  I was standing there admiring some bracelets when a very old gentleman came up and patted my bracelet in admiration, telling me it was very nice.  (It too is old, and native american turquoise).  I had my eye on a gold and silver bracelet, lots of detail, and he says $120.  No way, I say.  $60, he says.  Nope.  Too much.  $49.99.   haha I'm such a sucker - so I bought it :)  My next stop was at a place I visit often, and buy turquoise rings.  I found a beautiful pale green turquoise set in a pinky rink, small and delicate, and I loved it.  Cash only, $23.  Sold!

We spent the afternoon at my aunt's and of course, the little one is bored.  We drove back to my house to pick up the home made stew I'd made the day before, some french bread, and of course to walk the dogs.  Her and I get along very well when "Mom" isn't around, and we had time for a nice talk.  I was explaining to her that sometimes we will feel bored when sitting around with "old folks" but that it was important to spend time with them, to hear old stories and to share with them.

When we got back to my aunt's, Bree sat down at the table and worked on a puzzle with great grandpa for nearly an hour!  They were talking a bit as they worked, and I was so proud of her to make that transition. :)

It's been a very full day, but that's what family is all about. :)

Nature's Grandest

Man's heart 

away from nature 

becomes hard.  

~Standing Bear

I said...

I said I wouldn't care.
But I did.
I still do.

I said I wouldn't love.
But I did.
I still do.

I thought it wouldn't hurt.
But it did.
It still does.

I said I wouldn't cry.
But I did.
I still do.


I thought I wouldn't hope.
But I did.
I don't any more. 


LDPoetry 2013

Desert Snow!

Wow!  Surprise! 

Crazy! Weather!

Yes, this is

snow in the desert!

This storm is a very chilly one, and the clouds were black and ominous.  On the way home from the gym, as tired as I was, I wanted to get up to my mountain, to see if it left a dusting along the top.  So I grabbed Sadie and the kid and headed out that way - a quick trip for just a few pictures was my goal.  And yes, we did get some great photos of snow and lots of interesting clouds as they whispered around the top of the mountain. 

On the way home, we stopped off at my aunt's to say hello to my folks, and not 15 minutes later we could hear a pattering against the window - wow, its raining hard! we thought.  After peeking out, we could see it wasn't just rain!  About 30 minutes later, this is how the road looked! How awesome, snow in the desert --- who knew???
 

It's Today!

Wow. It sure felt like a Monday! and here it is Tuesday.  Usually a better day for me, but for some reason, everything seemed like it was running in slow motion.  Or maybe because there was just too much to do.  Ugh.  Its pretty typical for my job, but some days I seem to handle it better, I suppose.  By 2pm, I felt terribly sluggish, so I grabbed myself a Starbucks Refresher -- yeah, I know, calories I didn't need, but it gave me just that extra edge.  And I'm thinking its probably better than a plain shot of caffeine from a Diet Coke.

After work, it was right to the gym - I definitely needed some cardio.  I hopped on the stairmaster and went for 5 minutes, up "eight flights of stairs".  It went ok, but stepping onto moving stairs leaves me a little leery, so I tend to hang on for balance.  Then a mile on the treadmill - in 14:57 - yay me!  Then on to the elliptical for a 14:30 mile (those go faster for me for some reason! but I'll take it!! hehehe)

After that, it was drive thru Taco Bell for a steak taco salad -- Dad had a craving, and I never turn one of them down!  I had to chuckle:  I usually go to the same Taco Bell, and its usually on Thursdays about 4:30pm.  Although it's Tuesday, it was still around 4:30 -- my "usual gal" was on the speaker taking orders, and I ordered two taco salads instead of one, and no Locos tacos!  She asked me again to make sure she heard me correct.  When I got to the window, she smiled, and says "No sauce, correct?"  lol yep, she remembers me.  After handing back my card, she asked "Where's the dog?"   lmao.  I'm not sure if it means she's good at remembering, or I'm bad because I have a "taco bell habit". hahahahaha

Dad and I had supper (mid-west folk still call it supper, even after they're transplanted in the West!) then watched the news together.  Mom flies in from Minnesota tonight, where the wind chill factor had the temps at 35below --- BRRRRRrrrrr!!!!!   She'll be happy to be back on the west coast for sure!!

I'm tired, but its a satisfied tired - physical activity and doing something good with family today makes it just that way.   :) :)

Money Isn't Everything

 

... in fact, it buys very little in the bigger sense of real life with real purpose.

and I'm happy to be me just the way I am!

Dad likes projects!

Spent the day with Dad today, after picking him up and running the couple of errand he needed doing, we stopped at a local Walmart for some delicious goodies for lunch - cheese, crackers, and some spinach dip (one of our fav indulgences!)

I really enjoy having him here!  We stopped off at my house so we could check out the yard, and so I could get his ideas about how to finish up some yard work -- mainly the drainage problem I've had since day 1.  Last summer, I dug and scraped and finally worked a piece of PVC pipe under a portion of the patio so water could drain out and down the side yard.  Last rain, I completed digging the trench down the side yard.  My thought was to fill it with gravel so water would have a place to stand as it slowly percolated into the ground.  Dad gave me ideas and things to ponder - digging the trench a bit deeper, maybe even wider; install a "french drain pipe"  (pvc with holes in it?) then covering with gravel to prevent too much standing water.  Well, anyways you get the idea there.   Then we talked about the area I need to put rock in:  its 22x25 feet, and we figure 2 ton will do the job.  Next decision:  what kind of rock???

My last brilliant plan was a pergola over my patio, which is aprox 12x12 feet.  Of course, that's a bit large, meaning I'd have to have 14 foot boards?  I don't want to put up anything that will be out of 'code' and have to be torn down again.  So we pondered a few ideas on that as well.  Either way, I'll have to be drilling some concrete holes.  Wonder where I'd get equipment to do that??

Lots of chit chat time, how I wish his arthritis was gone, so he could be hands on with my projects!  *sigh*   Took him back to my aunt's and we cooked up some london broil, along with some taters and salad, and a terrific loaf of french bread.

All in all, a damned good day.  Love you, Dad!

Two Hearts

:)

My Dad

Today was tiresome - lots of sitting around doing not much at all.  *sigh*  I never realized how much like my father I am.  Neither of us have much to say - we are both do-ers.  We would rather be doing something with our hands, being creative, useful, building things than sitting around gabbing and such.    We had our share of conversation.  He told me he liked my pictures I took of Stanford the last time I was there.  And also said that maybe he should have stayed working there so I could have attended Stanford.  Dad!  I couldn't have cut the mustard!  but he nodded and said yeah, I think you could.    *smile* 

We may not say much, but when we say something, its important.  :) :)
Love you, Dad!

5 Years Ago

It's been five years since I moved to the Valley of the Sun!

Five years ago today I was :

saying goodbye to my "sisters" at work -and I still miss them SO much!
packing box after box after box
picking up a Penske truck and dolly to tow my car
loading the least used thing things onto the truck first
packing late into the night
sleeping on the floor
waking up before the birds
packing and loading and more packing and loading
trying to light a fire under the kid's butt - hurry! faster! lots to do!
clean and clean some more

The plan: to be loaded by noon, ready to head out.
Reality:    loaded by 4pm, heading out by 5pm
(we seriously considered staying another night, but who wants to sleep in an empty house on the floor?)

And that's how our journey started.
Driving into the sunset toward Indiana
First rest stop (about 20 miles out of town) and we stop. to rest. and check the car we're towing.

Driving a huge truck was new to me, so was towing a car.
Can I do this?
I have to! there's no one else.

Sunsets.  Sunrises. Rain. Wind.
More rain.
Lucky, we had no snow on the roads, even though it was February.
I think we stopped at just about ever rest stop along the way.
And stopped every night in a motel.
With bathroom breaks at gas stations.
Driving the highways with truck stops was fine, no problem there.
But driving into or through towns with heavy traffic and difficulty switching lanes and such was no picnic.
Only one weigh station was open during our trip that we had to pull into.
We were headed toward Tucson to come up from the south, avoiding the mountains through Flagstaff.
We were stopped at a border stop.
Even the small "mountains" we crossed were scary with a heavy truck and towing a car.
The only major "mishap" along the way:

It was dark, we were tired, and we're stuck in the middle of town (Albuquerque?) with no place to get off the freeway and not be dead center in town.  When we finally see a sign (probably Super 8) it was like oh yeah, awesome, and we pull into the driveway.  Since we're an extra long vehicle, we can't pull into a parking space, so we dash in, see if there's a room available.  Yes! there is.  And then ask about where to park the truck - can I pull around back?  Uh. Nope.  Uh Oh.

So there I am, nosed into a parking lot, and I should be turned around.  I can't back up a trailer, let alone a dolly with the car half on, half off.  Oh boy.  Called AAA - naw, they can't come help me.  Panic!  no, Think.  Think.  Think.  Check with the desk, can I leave my truck where it is?  Sure, not a busy night.  *whew*  Ok.  last resort option.  In the morning, we download the car, unhook the dolly, turn the truck around, re-hook up the dolly, re-load the car, and we're OFF!  Yay.  Ok, a little worky, but it worked!

Sometimes you just gotta be smarter than the situation :)

We arrived safe and sound --- its been the best move I ever made :)

The Good, the Bad, the Funny

Quite the week, and lots going on all of a sudden. 

The Good:   My parents are coming to AZ for a visit, and it is always good to see them!  I love when they come here, when they can see my house, when we can spend time together hanging out. 

The Bad:  My uncle Rodney passed away on Wednesday after fighting cancer off and on for many years.  He was a terrific uncle, and left behind kids, grandkids and great grandkids.  My mom and aunt are flying to Minnesota for the funeral, and I'm glad she decided to go.  Being able to have a little closure is very important. 

The Funny:  on Valentine's Day, I was helping out in the electronics dept, putting out some stock of new Skylanders character toys.  As usual with these kind of toys, they come in a case box assortment with different characters in each one.  A woman noticed I was opening a new box of items, and stopped, telling me her seven year old son collects Skylanders and has been wanting the latest ones.  I reached into the box and pulled out the first one, and she lets out a big "Oh My Gosh! that's it!"  I chuckled, then reached in for another -- same reaction, she sure was excited she had 2 for her son!  Then pulled out the third, it was the last one she needed for the collection.  She said her son was going to be SO happy, that she was going to be the hero of the day!!  Then she looked at me and said "I just have to give you a hug for this!"  And she did!   It made me smile all day :)

With all of that, I have a feeling it will be a very busy weekend! 
But that's ok -- it's all good!
Hope everyone else has a good weekend too!

Love

Happy Valentine's Day to me!

What a lovely surprise,
on my desk this morning,
delivered in a diet coke can no less,
were three beautiful roses .... Thank You!!  :) :)


And another Personal Best celebration for me - -
I completed 2 miles under 30 minutes
on the treadmill!!

And with mixed feelings, my aunt called to tell me my uncle passed away yesterday.  While its a sad thing, it was also a blessing as he fought cancer for a very long time.  A very nice side benefit:  my parents will be in town for a week following the funeral. Ahh family.

RIP Uncle Rodney, you will be missed so much

Happy V-Day!

"For it was not into my ear you whispered, 

but into my heart. 

It was not my lips you kissed, 

but my soul." 

-Judy Garland

 Happy Valentine's Day!

Weigh-in Weds

Weigh in Wednesday is always an interesting day for me... did I stick to my plan well enough?  What will the scale tell?  Ok, in my mind, I know that the scale doesn't tell all.  It doesn't mean I am not working out (because I am!) and it shouldn't be the only measure that counts.  But, its a fact for most of us - when it comes to weight loss or being healthy, we want it to show in measurable numbers, so the scale gets it.


The answer is yes-- down two pounds, and that was the goal!

My trainer, Russell, threatened to bring in a cowbell to ring with every success -- oh boy won't that be fun!?!  It was a good workout today, and at the end, he stretched me, really pushing for limits this time, and boy does that feel good!

Day one in my 40 day commitment, and I walked Sadie around the figure 8 blocks, for 3/4 mile in 20 minutes, a little slow for a walking speed, but with pups you tend to dawdle in places. hehehe  After a nice dinner, a little extra stretching, and a long hot shower, I'm pleasantly relaxed and ready for bed.  :)

Love IQ

Yes, here you can test your LOVE IQ!  
Who said the following phrases about love::

1. “If you would be loved, love and be lovable.”

• Emily Dickinson,  Benjamin Franklin

• Oprah Winfrey,  Mother Teresa

2. "It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them." 

• Joan Rivers, Agatha Christie

• Alice Walker, Barbra Streisand

3. “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.”

• Mohandas Ghandi, The Apostle John

• Confucius, The Apostle Peter

4. “If you have love, you’re wealthy in a way that can never be measured. Cherish it.”

• Bill Gates, Faith Hill, 

• John D Rockefeller, Nancy Reagan

5. “Still your mind in me, still yourself in me, / And without doubt you shall be united with me, / Lord of Love, dwelling in your heart.”

• Prophet Mohammed, Jesus, 

• Krishna, Abraham

6. “At last, my love has come along / My lonely days are over / And life is like a song…”

• Kelly Clarkson, Etta James 

• Ella Fitzgerald, All of the above

7. “Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.”

• Antoine de Saint-Exupery, Pablo Picasso, 

• Dorothea Lange, Mikhail Baryshnikov

8. “Hatred and bitterness can never cure the disease of fear; only love can do that. Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.”

• Mary Baker Eddy, Winston Churchill 

• Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King Jr

 9. “We can be strong, we can be strong / Follow that unicorn on the road to love.” 

• Nicki Minaj, Lady Gaga 

• Madonna, Miley Cyrus

	10. "You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."  Dr Seuss, Sigmund Freud  Tim Burton, Jay Leno 11. "Tis better to have lost and loved than never to have loved at all."  William Shakespeare, ee Cummings  Alfred Lord Tennyson, Walt Whitman  12. “If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?" Tina Fey,  Jennifer Lopez Lily Tomlin, Dolly Parton

 

  Answers:  

1. Benjamin Franklin

2. Agatha Christie

3. The Apostle John

4. Nancy Reagan

5. Krishna

6. All of the Above

7. Antoine de Saint-Exupery

8. Martin Luther King Jr 

9. Lady Gaga

10. Dr Seuss

11. Alfred Lord Tennyson

12. Lily Tomlin

Happy Mardi Gras!

Mardi Gras, or Fat Tuesday, is the last day before the Lent season begins.  Many people use the forty days to give up something - like smoking, chocolate, sweets, coffee, colas - you get the idea.  But on my SparkPeople website (where I track my foods, exercise and weight loss), their idea wasn't about taking something away, but putting a positive spin on these next 40 days as we move into spring and creating new habits.   Sort of like a New Year's resolution - but one that lasts only 40 days if that's all you can do.  You could commit to drinking an extra glass of water a day.  Or taking a 10 minute walk every day.  Maybe you need to curb your late nights, so create a bedtime routine that has you in bed at a decent hour.   Is your bad habit hitting the snooze button?  Try moving your alarm clock across the room, forcing you to get out of bed to turn it off.  Relax with some soothing instrumental music for 10 minutes a day.  Eat a healthy breakfast every day. 

To me, the word "fasting" (and "diet") imply doing without something -- and who wants to do that?  It seems easier to me to commit to a healthy habit, doing something good for yourself for those same 40 days.

I think my goal will be to walk Sadie twice around the block every day instead of just once.  She'll be happier, and I bet I sleep better too -- since she'll be tuckered out. hehehe

Happy Mardi Gras!

Wonderful Love

 

Everyone says that love hurts, but that's not true.

Loneliness hurts.

Rejection hurts.

Losing someone hurts.

Everyone confuses these things with love.

But in reality,

love is the only thing in this world

that covers up all the pain

and makes us feel wonderful again.

 

      

Monday, Monday

Ahh Monday and my day with my trainer.  I am really enjoying him and his lessons.  He is working with me, and my body, and correcting things, teaching me things.  Two things he noticed today about my physicality was that my right foot has a tendency to turn outward.  Not a lot, but its noticeable.  After some tries and turns and such, he gave me a few things to work on.  The same with my shoulder, my right one sits higher than my left.  He studied my moves as he put me through some shoulder workouts, and made corrections as we went.  We talked about any past injuries (none) and my sleep habits (yes, I have been sleeping on my right side) and whether its stiff or sore.  *laughs*  It will sure be sore tomorrow!  We worked on the rotator cuff muscles, to see if that helps at all.  I'm going to look into some other kind of pillow, or switch to my left side for the time being, see if that helps.  With some excellent exercises to work on, I should be noticing a difference soon.  Of course, we worked on abs, balance, and core and all the other crazy tortures... umm... I mean exercises ... he puts me through!

On a personal note, I've had my share of struggles the last few days, and it had me thinking about self respect and inner strength.  While I have no idea where they come from, I know that they are necessary, they make us who we are.  So lately, I'm working on me, taking care of myself and doing what is best for me.  Workouts are a great way to do that :) 

Missing PIeces

Anyone who falls in love 

is searching for the 

missing pieces of themselves

 

 

Just say it!

Synchronicity - if any of you have faithfully followed my blog, you know I'm a believer of this phenomenon.  Things happen, things sync together for reason(s) that we may not, may never, be aware of, and yet if we pay close enough attention, we can recognize moments of synchronicity.  Today, I had one of those moments.  In some of my photography aspects, there was one I was about to give up on, feeling as if no one understands the whats and whys of what I do. 

Today, I received a terrific note from someone who told me I was on his mind, that my work spoke to him,  "...that desire to take what you see inside of yourself, and let that out for the World to see. The almost 'need' to tap into what you see, and what you want the World to see, and understand about you, and the excitement of sharing that the best way you can."  Talking about his own photography, he went on to say "...in your works, I see that as well. A rawness, seeking light, and an emotion seeking release. I just want to take a moment and applaud your work my Friend, and to tell you, that I think I see what you are trying to say."


Which brings me to my point:  How many of us think things but never say them aloud to the person we should be saying them to?  We may never know the heart or mind of them, nor the struggles they might be going through.  Your thoughts may be just the synchronicity someone else is needing to hear.  Why do we feel the need to hide our thoughts, to censor any of the good things we could be sharing?  Life is better when we build each other up, help each other through the rough times.  So I challenge all of you to take a minute and tell someone you're thinking of them, tell someone what a great job they're doing, tell someone you appreciate something they've done.   You'll feel better for it, and you might just make someone else's day much brighter!

Give Love

I don't think you tell someone you love them

because you expect something.

I think you tell them because 

you have something to give. 

Once in a Lifetime

Because sometimes we need to tell ourselves these things in order to begin believing them.

Today was an emotionally difficult day.  Yes, mostly self inflicted with the book I was reading - and finished.  Typically happy ending, of course, but sooooo romantically written.  And yep, cried my eyes out.  Sometimes those tears are for lost loves, things that are gone, and things that will never be.  So it leaves me feeling a little drained.  Out of sorts.  The one thought that gets me through?  HIS loss.  No matter who the "his" is ... it could be any from my ex's to friends to someone passing me on the street -  all missed an opportunity. 
Because I'm special. 
Because I'm worth it. 

Love is Very Brave

Love is very brave.

It's the little things that make you
 fall in love with a person.
Or them fall in love with you.
The simple gestures,
the little moments,
the unguarded smile.

But the bravest thing in the world
that you can do
is to let another person
see your heart,
to give them your heart,
even if you think they won't take it,
or that they'll break it.
That's love.

Love is very brave.

Self Inflicted Torture

I am currently reading a lovely Nora Roberts novel called "Bed of Roses".  I grabbed it because I was 1. in a hurry, but 2. I like that song by Bon Jovi called Bed of Roses.  Not that I would regret reading it... Nora Roberts is an excellent author - I've never read anything of hers I didn't like!

The story revolves around four women who are part of a self owned company that specializes in perfect weddings.   One is the organizer, one is the photographer, one does the floral arrangements and the fourth does the baking.  And what a business concept it is!

However, the torture is in the 'happily ever after' theme, along with some steamy sexy scenes as well between the floral arranger and a construction worker who has always been "just a friend".  I just passed the scene where the couple had been dining.... and he tells her he was looking forward to finding out just what's under her dress.  And she gets a look and whispers "nothing...".  They beeline it for home, and start kissing on the way up the stairs.  She tears off his jacket and his shirt, tossing them aside.  Then she grabs his belt and whips it off in one quick move; she's pressed up against the door.  His hand slides down over her hip, grabs some of the dress material and slides it back up, exposing most of her thigh before finding the doorknob, opening the door and they tumble inside to continue.. in private.  Just reading it makes me...  wistful!

The story is full of vivid scenes, but touches on other wonderfully torturous aspects of life and love.  The heroine, Emma, wants happily ever after in love and marriage - but then, don't most women?  Must be the Cinderella thing - and her hero, Jack, fears the idea of love and marriage.  But he's just done something spur of the moment, they've driven into New York City for a romantic dinner and an overnight stay at the Waldorf.  When she emerges from the bathroom wearing a negligee, he whispers "You look beautiful" and she says "I feel beautiful when you look at me." What a perfect line, and I think that sums up just how every woman wants to feel.  Always. 

And yes, its what I want, too.

Got Goals?

Finally Friday, and I zipped up over the 30 mile marker today.  I've been on track with my fitness goals this week, and am feeling pretty positive and energized!  Having a trainer who's helping work towards a goal has been a big help so far.  :)  Yes, he's hard on me, yes he pushes me, but that's  not such a bad thing! 


Yesterday's cardio was the treadmill, with two different goals I have set for myself:  the overall distance goal for the year (384 miles!), then to build up endurance and speed.  Each take different things to build up to them.  When I first started training, I struggled with 30 minutes at 3.0 mph.  I've come a long way, and I can do 60 minutes now, and that's maintaining a steady 3.6+ mph.  Quite an improvement on endurance!  As for speed... I've done it in little increments.  In a 30 minute walk, I incorporate sprints every 10 minutes.  At first, it was only 30 seconds at 4.0 mph.  I've increased the time, and the speed.  I was able to get up to 5mph for 60 seconds, and I was proud of that.  But I'm happy to report that I was able to go 2 mins at 4.5 mph !!!  My speed is picking up, and it feels TERRIFIC! 

I know when I see Russell on Monday, he will ask me about challenges and successes over the weekend.  And I'm planning on having a list of the little things that are paying off toward bigger goals :)

What's been your goal lately??

Write Me a Love Letter

In only 7 days, it will be Valentine's Day - for some, a very romantic kind of day.  For others, just another event celebrated couple style, and dreaded by single folks everywhere. 

I'm hoping to change your mind on that, though.  Because out of all the people in the world, who is the most important?  You should love yourself, because without you, you're nothing! 

Sometimes we forget to appreciate ourselves, and all we do in this world.  Every morning at 4:30am, I force my body from its warm spot in the bed and get up, get dressed and out the door for work.  And 99.9% of the time, my body never fails me.  So I need to be thankful - and what better way than by writing myself a love letter? 

But what would you tell yourself? 

How about a helpful starter?

Dear Self,

Today is Valentine's Day. Since you are the most important person in my life, I wanted to write you a letter. Thank you for always being there for me, for helping me think things through, most past the disappointments, and always helping me find ways to be happy..

I respect you because you know your own mind, and work around things, in spite of your foibles.  What I love most about you is the way you can keep going with confidence and fortitude to get you through most situations.

I know sometimes I can be hard on you, forget to thank you for all you do, and even treat you poorly, but please know that I love you. I promise to do better this year, starting with my gym time, and foods that are good for you..

Each time I drag you out of bed early for a workout, make you skip that second helping, or ask you to please get off the couch and get moving, know that I do it out of love. I want us to be around for a long time, and I want those years to be memorable and full of adventure.

Each day I get to spend with you, living this life to the fullest, is a true gift. You are my one true love, and I will always respect and care for you.

Love,
Me

Try writing one of your own....
and know that you're a great Valentine to have around!

Lucky/Unlucky

I'm a very lucky person.  I was blessed with loving parents who care about each other in a way that ... gosh, is it possible to even find a word that fits?  They've happily endured a lifetime together - 54 years and counting.

What makes me unlucky then?  Their's is the example, the expectation I have for my own wants when it comes to marriage.  Or should I put that in the past tense?  It was always something I wanted, needed even.   And that never panned out in my marriages.  Were my expectations too high?  Or is it because past partners never lived around that type of harmonious marriage, they were unable to measure up to a standard they didn't understand?

Heavy thoughts for the midnight hour, I know.  (damn dog has kept me up for hours now, was hoping some writing would ease me back into sleep...) I heard a song on the radio about wanting a happy ending (tried googling it, but couldn't locate it - it was an old country song) and it made me think about my own wants and needs.  And to be completely honest with myself, I have to admit that I wanted it all over again  ....And its time to let that go, to lose the dream, to finally accept that nothing ever, ever, ever will happen. 

What really bothers me about that is how it leads to this:
Why am I never good enough?
What's wrong with me?
Am I unlovable?

*Sigh*  Logically, I know the answers to those questions are I am, nothing and NO!

Long ago, I tried that eHarmony thing where they give you a bunch of personality tests that ask about your likes, dislikes, needs and wants, and try to match you up with someone who fits into those answers.  I chuckled at first over the response I got:  "No one within 350 miles matches your criteria".   Um.... no one???  whoa.  That sure didn't say much about me.  Or maybe it said too much if I cared to read between the lines.  I didn't.

Because I am who I am.  I might be able to change and adjust in some aspects, but not to where it changes who I am, or what I believe in.  I'm perfect just the way I am.

PT, Day 2 + Homework?!?!?!?

Today, I saw my trainer again.  We talked about how I felt after Monday's workout (lol I felt horrid! my core muscles were screaming, kept me awake and nauseous that night!)  So he told me we'd tone it down for today and see if that level works better.  We did all kinds of different things, he mixes it up well!  Part of it was tossing a 6lb medicine ball back and forth - which feels like a game, but it was definitely a workout!  Then "slams" with the same ball - raise it over my head and slam it to the ground.  Wow -- talk about a true stress reliever!  We did a lot of other usual things, lots of leg work.  But the best was the last 10 minutes.  He had me lay on my back and he stretched me.  Pulled and pushed on each leg in various positions.  Then did my shoulders and arms.  Maaaaaaaaan - that felt terrific!!  I'm still relaxed :)   What a difference that makes!

But... then came the homework.  I must have blinked five or six times, wondering if I heard him right... "Homework???"  ha!  Saturday's homework = 100 wall pushups.  Ok.  Doable. Sunday's homework = Ball Trio (a set of different arm and shoulder presses done while balanced on a stability ball, oh boy!)

He's going to be the best trainer!!
Time for that hot shower, and an aspirin! hehehehe

PT, day 1

Personal training can be a good thing. 
and maybe a bad one too?!?
I came home tired, a good tired, all my muscles worked to the extreme.  Then I walked the dog and had dinner, a baked potato and 3 eggs over easy.  Showered, took some aspirin and crawled into bed and was asleep before 8pm.  Probably more like 715 hahaha.  But now, nearly 11pm and I'm awake and feeling a little nausea.  Too much in the workout dept, I suppose.  Hope it goes away soon!

Russell is a good trainer, and he works me hard.  Harder than I used to work with Daemeon.  Wow.  I bet I'll be hurting tomorrow!  We did a full circuit-training type routine, with plenty of arms, shoulder, legs, hamstrings and inner/outer thigh work.  Boy oh boy.  We laid out a road map for the month of the things I need to do in order to get to the point I want to get to for the  month of February:  to be down 8 lbs.  Nothing too drastic, just right is what I'm hoping.  But if I hold true to form, I'll lose, then gain some back, because of muscle gain.

We'll see how this goes, I'll keep you updated!

Super Bowl Sunday

Its Superbowl Sunday, and all my chores are done, my nap is taken, grocery shopping and laundry all done and I get to relax while I watch!  Go 49ers!  Burgers and tater tots are on the menu for today.  Glad we got the bbq'ing done yesterday, as its sprinkling and overcast today. 

Earlier, I was chilling out while reading a book about a mystery surrounding a dead body and missing cache of gold, set in Wyoming.  While reading, I had turned on some cowboy sounding guitar tunes, and slipped into my cowboy boots today -- just because I can!   It's a captivating story, and I am enjoying it. I'm sure it will have the typical happy ending where girl wins boy ..... but that's ok.  I'm glad someone can have a happy ending that way!


awwww,  The Sandy Hook choir just sang... how moving!
Hope ya'll are enjoying your Sunday!
I'm off to watch the game!
Play Ball! 

Kaktus Korner

One of my projects on the home front has been to create a "Kactus Korner" in one small corner of the yard.  I have a penchant for buying these little cactus with good names, like "Red Headed Irishman" or "Road Kill" and putting them in pots.  In the past year, some of them have outgrown a pot or two, and finally are big enough that putting them in the ground seems warranted.  :)

(This is about a 5 foot semi-circle thing)

Feed Your Soul

Everyone has something that feeds their soul, lifts their spirits, gets them "back in the groove" -- and I have mine as well.  And one of the main things for me is getting back to nature.  That always works!  But I have one place that I'm drawn to, and that's the Superstition Mountain area.  No matter my intentions of where I am headed, I'm always pulled in that direction.  And rather than fight it, I just give in, I go and hike the area around there as often as I can.  And I always feel better for it afterwards. 

This morning, I did just that.  The pile of chores, the messy house, the things that need to be done were ignored in favor of getting up and out into the gorgeous day.  There was a stiff breeze, and 65 degrees.  I had dressed in a tank top, but added a denim long sleeved shirt at the last minute -- and glad I did!  

I headed out to Needle Point Vista - a place where you can see Weaver's Needle in the distance.  Weaver's Needle is a 1,000-foot-high (300 m) column of rock that forms a distinctive peak visible for many miles around, named after mountain man Pauline Weaver. 

Shhhhh.... I'll ask you quietly ..... have you ever stood on the top of a rise, with a chill wind blowing and let the breeze rush across your bare skin?   As I stood there on the fourth rise we had climbed, we were quiet and just listened to the breeze as it rustled through the saguaro cactus and other mesquite type brush.  Occasionally we could hear a lone bird calling out.  Otherwise, the world was quiet.  No hum of electrical stuff running, no noise from the cars driving past, just me and Sadie and nature.  So .... yep, I slipped off the jacket and tank top and just stood there, feeling the breeze slide across my skin as the sun kissed it.  And now that I'm back home, I'm smiling because it was a good morning :)  So get out there.... feed your own soul! 

Gym Update

current mileage tracker  25.34  -  My goal is 384 miles :)

I am off to a good start!   Hit the gym three times this week, and feeling pretty good.  Stress levels are down, and the weather here is warming up!   I'm raring to go with my personal trainer, Russell - it will be exciting to work with someone again :)

My weight loss journey has been ups and downs my entire life.  I'm proud of the fact that I was able to lose 30 lbs in 2012, and only 3 Holiday pounds crept back on (directly on to my hips, I think!!!).  Its been a struggle in January to get on the eating right program.  With the cold weather, its too easy to give in to the cravings for "comfort foods" -- which usually means carbs.   With nicer weather, we'll be bbq'ing again, getting back to more proteins, less carbs :)

Hooray for Spring!