Lucky/Unlucky

I'm a very lucky person.  I was blessed with loving parents who care about each other in a way that ... gosh, is it possible to even find a word that fits?  They've happily endured a lifetime together - 54 years and counting.

What makes me unlucky then?  Their's is the example, the expectation I have for my own wants when it comes to marriage.  Or should I put that in the past tense?  It was always something I wanted, needed even.   And that never panned out in my marriages.  Were my expectations too high?  Or is it because past partners never lived around that type of harmonious marriage, they were unable to measure up to a standard they didn't understand?

Heavy thoughts for the midnight hour, I know.  (damn dog has kept me up for hours now, was hoping some writing would ease me back into sleep...) I heard a song on the radio about wanting a happy ending (tried googling it, but couldn't locate it - it was an old country song) and it made me think about my own wants and needs.  And to be completely honest with myself, I have to admit that I wanted it all over again  ....And its time to let that go, to lose the dream, to finally accept that nothing ever, ever, ever will happen. 

What really bothers me about that is how it leads to this:
Why am I never good enough?
What's wrong with me?
Am I unlovable?

*Sigh*  Logically, I know the answers to those questions are I am, nothing and NO!

Long ago, I tried that eHarmony thing where they give you a bunch of personality tests that ask about your likes, dislikes, needs and wants, and try to match you up with someone who fits into those answers.  I chuckled at first over the response I got:  "No one within 350 miles matches your criteria".   Um.... no one???  whoa.  That sure didn't say much about me.  Or maybe it said too much if I cared to read between the lines.  I didn't.

Because I am who I am.  I might be able to change and adjust in some aspects, but not to where it changes who I am, or what I believe in.  I'm perfect just the way I am.