Thoughts

If it's not one thing it's another.  That's how life's been feeling these past couple of months.  I thought about it a lot today, and realized that it seems to go better at work.  Well.  Sort of.  Work has it's issues and people with issues, but at least at work, it's a place to focus.  There's any number of jobs that need to be attended to, there's never much down time at work, it's always go-go-go.  For me, it's a place to set aside family dynamics issues, health issues and the rest of the issues that seem to crop up lately.  When I'm at work, I'm ... important, needed, counted on to do what I know how to do.

At home, I flounder.  I'm better when chores need doing, or when I get a surge of creativity to work on a project.  Otherwise, I come home from work, and it's too easy to flop in front of the TV and just try to veg away the day.  Well.  For a certain amount of time, until Sadie decides that it's necessary for us to go for a walk.  lol

Sometimes it's easier not to think, and when I sat down here today, I realized that I've been doing just that.  I have bills to pay, taxes to file, paperwork to organize, and yet it's just easier to do nothing.  I should go back to making a list, checking it twice, and being able to check things off as they get done.  Hmm.  Maybe that would help the evenings be more focused.

A lot of the thinking these days has to do with endings.  Sis and my Aunt will reach a point in the near future.... and family issues being what they are ... I'm never the one who likes to rock the boat.  I observe my mom and her sister when they're together.  They're close in a way I'll never be with my own sister.  Never was growing up.  It isn't going to change with her health at risk, either.  She's in her own world, and there's no place, no room, for anyone else.  She never mentioned to me that she was bringing her kids to Arizona.  They're spending five days not 20 minutes from me.   I could say it hurts, but only in a tiny way, because this is how it's always been.  I lived in Ohio for 10 years, my sister visited Kentucky (only 3 hours drive away) and places around.  She was at Basket City (longaberger) with her girlfriends and said I could drive up to see her for a day.  That's how it's always been - - if it doesn't interfere with her plans, she's happy to get together.

I'm not really complaining, it just helps to write things down in black and white, things that pop into my head, things I've learned over time.  It is what it is.  Being able to go back and read it can be enlightening, help me to understand that it's not a flaw in myself.

A friend told me I should "be like a rock, and let all the other things just flow around me like water." That's a good thought to have as I let this all sink in.