I Wish You Peace

Dear Brian,

It's Christmas Day.  The second hardest day I've ever had to endure.
Yesterday I melted down completely.
Today has been better, as long as I stick to my plan of house cleaning and laundry chores.

But knowing that you will never stroll through my front door ....
sorrow isn't a "big enough" word for it,
neither is grief.
They both seem to imply that they're either temporary, or will pass.
This isn't.

You're the only one who knew what this day was like before I lost you.
Now it's even worse.

My cousin and my sister both sent me a text to wish me Merry Christmas
along with my co-worker Rita.

Otherwise, another day spent like so many in the past.

I took down the gun rack you got from Doug one Christmas.
Maybe someone else will be able to use it.
I finally mailed off all your Legos.  They'll be cleaned up and repurposed to needy kids.
I'm hoping you like that thought.

I heard a song the other day, the chorus goes like this:

I wish you peace, I wish you love

I wish you blessings from above

We can try to make this world a kinder place

There is a lot that we can do

If we make our minds up to

All the loss and tears and pain

That seek release

I wish you peace

I hope you've found that peace, my son.

with all my love,

mom

Walmart Employee Doll

In my collection of weird things, 
I have this Walmart Employee Doll. 
Purchased when I lived in Ohio, working for Walmart #2441. She was priced at $6.97.  I bet I bought her on sale! Hehehe.

 But in checking the price on Amazon and Etsy,
she's now worth aprox. $25-$30.

To my daughter:  As you grow older, eventually
she may be worth enough $$ to pay for
a decent pizza.  hahaha



Yes.  I collect the oddest things!

One More Week

Dear Brian,

It's just one more week until Christmas, my first Christmas without you. 
And I can barely think about it, because it brings so much grief.
I find myself shopping, thinking "Ooo, Brian would like this!!"
and then I remember.

It makes me so sad.
and sometimes a little mad!
If only, if only, if only ......

In my heart of hearts, I would like to believe that I could have gotten you around this really difficult mountain that you were trying to deal with by yourself.   Or could I  ?

You held everything so close inside you in the last few weeks with you.

If only, if only, if only ......

The little tree is up in the living room.
I walk the neighborhood looking at light displays.
It momentarily makes me smile
but nothing is the same without you.

Love,

Mom

Holiday Trip

Dear Brian,

Yesterday I drove to see your sister and family.  Sans family.  The girls were at Steve's decorating Christmas cookies.  It was a little disappointing that I didn't get to see them, but I got the gifts delivered.  Left kinda early because I wanted to be home before dark. 

I'm guessing your sis is having a hard time with you gone.  OK, I'll admit it, we all are.  And we all handle it differently.  Grandma is having trouble missing Grandpa, Marge and Jim, and of course, you.  Me, I have noticed that I am in each moment, double checking myself so I don't leave my phone or debit card somewhere.   Not sure how it's affecting your sis, but I could tell she wasn't quite herself.  It's the little things.  She bought a new SUV and never bothered to tell me.  Which I found a little weird.  But whatever.  I raised the two of you to do for yourselves, to be independent.  And now that she's living her life, I can't have hurt feelings because she didn't tell me something. 

A few years back, when I mentioned going to a Goodwill store for something, she ranted at me about how she never wanted to buy clothing from there again because I ruined her by making her shop there as a kid.  Which wasn't altogether true.  We bought things from other stores for normal clothing, but just shopping for a real bargain at Goodwill -- it's like finding treasure!  She didn't see it that way for many years.  But now that she has kids .... her viewpoint is a little different.  I was surprised that she admitted it to me, but it felt good that she recognized how she was raised and how she is now.

We also talked about long term, and my moving to Tucson, but she doesn't plan on staying in her house, so I can't move there and be stuck when she decides it's time to move away.  :/   So here I am in our house, for now.  There may come a time when I move back to Cali to take care of Grandma.  Right now, she's doing OK on her own, but it's getting harder.  I just can't see moving now and ending up living there for another 20 years!  I don't enjoy Cali that much!!!

The holidays are a really busy time and I'm not enjoying it much, but I'm trying to force my way through it all, while trying to avoid what I think could be "landmines" -- triggers that bring all the pain and grief back to the surface.  I try not to watch the "feel good" movies because tears are so close to the surface.  I know that as far as life goes, I'm just going through the motions.  I try to keep up with taking pix and posting them.  A. mentioned that I hadn't created a CD in a long while ..... maybe with the new year, I will get back to it again.

There's not a day goes by that you aren't in my thoughts.
I missed you on the long car ride yesterday.
Sadie had to stay home because you weren't along to help keep her calm.
I decided that it's not safe for me to drive with her hopping around all the time.

Float a feather my way, I'm watching for them!
Love you!
Mom

Was It You?

Dear Brian,

Last Sunday, I was doing my normal laundry, in and out of the garage with loads of laundry.

The orange extension cord still hangs on the hook of the workbench, and was hanging there the entire time I wandered in and out of the garage.   I finished up the last load of jeans, took it all to my room and put it all away. 

I was done with laundry and most of the chores, the last thing was to take a bucket of cans to the recycle barrel.  When I opened the garage door, I saw the extension cord extended across the garage floor!!  About 6 feet of it was stretched out toward the big garage door.  How in the world did that happen???   It wasn't there the whole time I was doing laundry ... I would have noticed that!  And it didn't get "caught on something" or it would have pulled inward toward the house. 

So my question is:  Was it you???

I also took your advice and bought some 3/8" quarter rounds at Home Depot, and painted them red.  I just need to tack them into place along the kitchen backsplash.  It's kinda kitschy but that's ok.  The rest of the cabinets are old and there's not much I can do to update them, so I settle on kitschy.  lol

It's time to change the furnace filter, and the batteries in the smoke alarms. 
and you're not here to help!

I bought a carpet cleaner, and had to put it together myself, because
you're not here to help!

There's a big hole in my life, and in my heart, where you used to reside. 
And nothing takes your place.

I miss you
every.
single.
day.
Love,
mom

Someone Special

Dear Brian,

Here it is, the first holiday without you.  Thanksgiving.  A day when you think about all the things you're grateful for.  It was hard to think about you -- you wouldn't breeze in the front door this year. 

Because I work retail, that means I worked on Thanksgiving day - just like the past 10 years.  But that doesn't mean it's a day that's like any other day.  It's still a day to be grateful, and still a day that is celebrated, even though it may be on some other day.  For me, it was Saturday.  And that was a very difficult day.  I sat on the couch, TV running, but it felt like I was waiting for that moment when you'd come home.  And it didn't happen.  Simple things made me sad, and I cried for a little while because I miss you very much.

It was a rough work day, the store was busy both Thurs and Friday.  And our new management team decided that we all needed to work a 10 hour shift on Thurs .... until 11 pm!  I am a morning person, so that didn't work so well for me.

I thought of you often during the holiday, and found a little poem:

Those we love don't go away

they walk beside us every day

unseen, unheard but always near

still loved, still missed, and very dear.

I used that on the last page of the annual calendar I create and print for family each year.  And I hope it helps the rest of them like it does me, to remember that you're always as close as can be, because you're my son and I love you.

Love,
mom