Holiday Trip

Dear Brian,

Yesterday I drove to see your sister and family.  Sans family.  The girls were at Steve's decorating Christmas cookies.  It was a little disappointing that I didn't get to see them, but I got the gifts delivered.  Left kinda early because I wanted to be home before dark. 

I'm guessing your sis is having a hard time with you gone.  OK, I'll admit it, we all are.  And we all handle it differently.  Grandma is having trouble missing Grandpa, Marge and Jim, and of course, you.  Me, I have noticed that I am in each moment, double checking myself so I don't leave my phone or debit card somewhere.   Not sure how it's affecting your sis, but I could tell she wasn't quite herself.  It's the little things.  She bought a new SUV and never bothered to tell me.  Which I found a little weird.  But whatever.  I raised the two of you to do for yourselves, to be independent.  And now that she's living her life, I can't have hurt feelings because she didn't tell me something. 

A few years back, when I mentioned going to a Goodwill store for something, she ranted at me about how she never wanted to buy clothing from there again because I ruined her by making her shop there as a kid.  Which wasn't altogether true.  We bought things from other stores for normal clothing, but just shopping for a real bargain at Goodwill -- it's like finding treasure!  She didn't see it that way for many years.  But now that she has kids .... her viewpoint is a little different.  I was surprised that she admitted it to me, but it felt good that she recognized how she was raised and how she is now.

We also talked about long term, and my moving to Tucson, but she doesn't plan on staying in her house, so I can't move there and be stuck when she decides it's time to move away.  :/   So here I am in our house, for now.  There may come a time when I move back to Cali to take care of Grandma.  Right now, she's doing OK on her own, but it's getting harder.  I just can't see moving now and ending up living there for another 20 years!  I don't enjoy Cali that much!!!

The holidays are a really busy time and I'm not enjoying it much, but I'm trying to force my way through it all, while trying to avoid what I think could be "landmines" -- triggers that bring all the pain and grief back to the surface.  I try not to watch the "feel good" movies because tears are so close to the surface.  I know that as far as life goes, I'm just going through the motions.  I try to keep up with taking pix and posting them.  A. mentioned that I hadn't created a CD in a long while ..... maybe with the new year, I will get back to it again.

There's not a day goes by that you aren't in my thoughts.
I missed you on the long car ride yesterday.
Sadie had to stay home because you weren't along to help keep her calm.
I decided that it's not safe for me to drive with her hopping around all the time.

Float a feather my way, I'm watching for them!
Love you!
Mom