Holiday Tree

Dear Brian,

The holidays are coming up really quick - like they always do!  I don't usually put up the tree, but I did this year.  I used the stairs you built for Sadie to set it on because I cant put it in the bay window -- that's Sadie's spot!  Not too many ornaments on it, but the lights are cheerful, and I need some of that.

I boxed up gifts for the family,  getting them ready to send off.  It's been an effort for me, but I have to make the effort.  Otherwise it would be too easy to just be a couch potato watching TV and doing nothing.

I also boxed up all your Legos. There's a website to print a sticker and send them back to the Legos folks; they recycle them to under privileged kids.  I thought that would be fitting for the huge box that you have.  I hope you approve. 

Work has been hectic and keeps me busy - sorta busy.  There's work to do, but when work runs low, it's hard to find "busy work" to keep going.  Used to be we could go home early when work was slow, but now if you clock in or out early, you get "points" against your attendance.  Accumulating points takes away from whatever quarterly bonus there might be.  It's pretty sad that it's all so black and white, with no input regarding the person or their circumstances.  Back in the 80s I told myself I wanted to work for a Fortune 500 company -- and now that I do?  Well, the grass isn't always greener ..... *sigh*

I force myself to keep busy so that I don't dwell on missing you.  And when I can't get up the gumption to keep busy, I don't do anything -- the TV keeps me company during those days.  Lately I've taken to watching MASH.  Not sure why I find that OK, but it works.  For now. 

I cooked bacon wrapped potatoes today ... makes the house smell terrific. They went well with the tri-tip burger I had for supper. 

Sadie has taken to sitting on my lap often, and I'm not sure why.  It's kinda cute, especially now that the cold weather is here -- it keeps me warm! 

I started a To Do list so that I can keep track of things I think need to be taken care of, and being able to cross things off the list makes it feel as if I'm getting things accomplished. 

Because we're all working "Brown Thursday", I'll get my 15% discount next Friday.  I have a list of things I'd like to get then, including a carpet cleaner for pets.  Going out and renting the Rug Doctor isn't so easy when you're not here to help. 

I miss you every day, not just for doing things, but your humor, your laughter and the joy of having another person in the house.   I'd better close this and get ready for bed -- tomorrow will be a long shift from noon to 11pm.  YICK

love,
mom

Good People

Dear Brian,

Another hurdle gotten over today .... I spent my lunch hour at Chase bank.  There was a terrific rep there named Jerome.  He was SO patient and spent an hour on the phone trying to get the main office to release your checking account.   What a process!  My first trip was July 27 to your branch, and after all was said and done, I was told I had to wait until 30 days had gone by.   I went back two weeks later, and was told there was a hold on your account and they would call me back ..... and never did.  After that I gave up.

But there is a Chase branch in the parking lot of my store, so I popped in there today -- it took me a while to screw up my courage to get through this whole process!!

Thank goodness for Jerome White!!   Chase Bank has a really good employee in this man. He treated me with respect and dignity and explained each step as he was on the phone with several people on the other end.  By the end of my work day, it was all resolved. 

Sometimes you have to wait, or search out a good person.  They are out there, just be patient.
So thankful for Jerome and how he stepped up to help me!!

Love,
Mom

Tumbling Tumbleweeds

I'm at a low point again.  For days now, my mind keeps wandering to my son, and circumstances, and that's rough on me.  Add to it, I'm on a streak of working six days in a row, today was day 4.  Normally, there are enough of us to cover when one is on vacation, but another member of my team called off sick for two of those days.  Add to it when I had my one day off on Wednesday, the guy who filled in for me .... well, let's just say that he thinks he knows more than he really knows.  Most of my Thursday was spent correcting errors.  *sigh*   It's funny how when things go bad, they really do.

On top of it, I'm trying to work on my health and eating habits in order to drop some weight.  But it's a huge struggle.  When it comes down to it, my days are so jam packed that I don't know where to get the time to do all that needs doing.  I get up and get ready for work each day in less than 30 minutes. Then I have to walk Sadie, that's another 12-15 minutes.  My drive to work is now taking a little over 25 minutes now, because the population here is growing by leaps and bounds. 

After 10 hours at my workplace, I drive another 30 minutes home, sometimes more, because it's "snowbird season".  If I'm lucky, I've cooked over the weekend and just have to warm up a meal of broccoli, brown rice and chicken.  I try to eat peacefully but Sadie has other ideas.  She's been home alone 10+ hours and wants attention.  Sadly, some days I tend to buy her off with treats so I can have a moments' peace.  After dinner, it's dash around and do what chores I can in 15 minutes; I load Sadie into her stroller and off we go for a 30 minute walk.  And yes, I push her in the stroller because without it, we end up doing a sniff and stroll and that does nothing for me and my health.  Home again, it's time to jump in the shower, do all the normal daily ablutions that need to be done and crawl tiredly into bed. 

I don't sleep well at night, and sometimes Sadie needs to get up and go out 3-4 times ... ugh.

Today took the cake, however.  I was strolling along with Sadie down residential streets that are normally quiet.  Because of the driveway humps, I walk in the street.  Some motard was sitting in his car on the wrong side of the street; he pulled out and turned to make a u-turn right in front of me and Sadie.  Adding this little inconsideracy to my bad day and I broke down and cried the rest of the way home. 

I'm tired.
and it occurs to me that maybe I'm close to the last straw.

I don't take the time to do the things that I want to be doing. 
And when or if I get the notion to attempt one thing or another,
after about 5 or 10 minutes, I lose interest.   When I watch TV,
it's old shows that bring comfort:  MASH, Brady Bunch. 
For a long while it was Blue Bloods, but Netflix took that off. 
DVDs are on my Christmas Wish List! ha!

Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow ... I'm overdue!

**singing along**  :    I know when night has gone
That a new world's born at dawn!
I'll keep rolling along
Deep in my heart is a song
Here on the range I belong
Drifting along with the tumbling tumbleweeds

Grief Hits Hard

Every now and then, grief just hits me hard. 

I think I'm doing fine, that things are getting better,
and then whammy!

I was driving home,
and "Carry on My Wayward Son"
came on the radio.

I sang along until
I couldn't sing any more
and the tears started.

I miss my son every day.
Some days more than others.

I know it will get better at times,
and that there will be hard times as well.
It's all part of the process.

Time heals.

Love,
Mom

Could Haves, Should Haves

Dear Brian:

Here it is, four months later.  And it still hurts like it was yesterday.  At least some of the shock has worn off.  But I'm still bothered ... plagued, even ... by thoughts about what I could have done different, should have done different. 

How I wish I had taken the time to get you to talk to me. Your whole life, you always were difficult to get things out of you.  Like the time I came home from work and found you in the backyard, throwing our little camping ax into the palm tree trunk.  You were taking out your frustrations because your SSI income had been cut in half, just when you thought things were going well.  It took a while for you to tell my why you were "punishing" our tree. 

When there was a problem or issue that needed to be discussed, it took you a bit to screw up your courage to say it out loud.  You'd walk into the room, and look at me.  I could tell by the look on your face that you had something important to say.  You'd let out two or three sighs, and I learned to wait, to give you the space to be able to say what needed saying.   It was my hope that it would get easier for you as you got older, that you would learn that there was no problem that couldn't be solved, no weight that was too heavy to bear, once you shared the burden.  It was always difficult for you.  I couldn't change that.

When you moved back in with me, I tried to give you space.  I knew how you felt some kind of ... shame? disgrace? .... to move back home.  So I was hoping that you'd feel as if you were a roommate and not my son.  I gave you space, I didn't pry or question things.  I waited for you to tell me in your own good time how things were going. 

Now  ...........   I wish I could change that.

I will always blame myself for that part of it, not recognizing the depth of things within you.

But that blame is not only my own.  I put part of it on the exGF.  When you and she got together, you seemed so happy.  She could drive where you couldn't; you were going out and doing fun things and you deserved that!  But something changed, or she changed.  From my viewpoint, it seemed like she was having ... problems, and you felt the need to fix them.  But they couldn't be fixed.  One thing I've learned (the hard way!) is that you can't fix someone else, and especially so when they don't want to be fixed!!   I saw the changes in you, but you seemed so determined to "stick it out".  There are no prizes for "sticking it out" whether it's good or bad.  *sigh*

There are so many little things I could point out, point to, and wish I could change things, go back in time and help you through some of the rougher spots of life. 

I will always carry these burdens, this blame, the guilt. 
And I can't think of a way to let it go.
Forgive me, son, for not stepping in and helping you more.
I love you. Always.
Mom

Lazy Gal Feeling Low

I haven't been writing as much as I like, or maybe as much as I need to.  It's not easy to get the computer fired up and commit myself to doing things that, quite frankly, I did on a daily basis .... before.

Right now, most of the things I think about, or do, are placed in the category of "before" and "after".  Which makes me feel very low, but I can't seem to help it. 

Last week, I loaded up a few more things and took them to Goodwill.  I went through everything twice before taking it over.  I wanted to make sure I didn't get rid of anything that had any sort of emotional attachment to it.  But I got it done.  There's now a little more room in the garage.  I wander through the garage, or my son's room, and sometimes a wave of sadness sweeps over me; sometimes it's more a feeling not being able to deal with it and I have to go sit down and watch TV -- something that takes my mind off everything else, allows me to think about anything other than my son being gone.  Sometimes I sit in the chair, half expecting him to walk through the door again.  When that happens, I know that it's going to be a long day. 

The one thing I've noticed is that there are very few people I can talk to about my son.  That makes me really sad.  I understand it.  It makes my mom very sad to think about him.  My brother is very emotional and can't handle it.  My daughter does OK but she's a busy Mom and doesn't always have time.  I find that this blog has been the best outlet for me.  But sometimes I feel like I'm being a broken record -- I realize that my son's death has defined my life and changed things irrevocably.

My motivation is less now, there's only me.  It has changed things. 
And I can feel the difference in me. 

I don't like it much, but I can't change it. 
And I shouldn't have to. 

I go to work to fill my days. 
I come home and take the dog on long walks
to fill my evenings. 
Nights are the longest if I can't sleep.

With any luck, this will shift as I move through the first year of this life changing event.