And I find myself looking backwards at my life and asking awkward questions: Did I achieve any of my goals in life? Was this the life I planned out for myself? Am I happy? Did I make good choices?
We all go through stages, questioning ourselves as we look at our life choices.
I remember being in high school, I think all I ever really wanted was "to fit in". That's not really a goal, nor is it any kind of life choice, but it certainly was a very strong desire! And after high school, I wonder if I allowed myself to drift more than was good for me. I could have, and should have, been more adamant about college. Instead, I felt I needed to work. And because of my high school feelings of "not fitting in", I found that I could feel "more normal" if I had a boyfriend. A high school sweetheart. Being really honest with myself, I now realize we weren't a very good fit, we were raised differently, and our intellectual levels weren't on par. And reading that, it sounds kind of snooty. But what does a girl of 16 really know about life, love and growing up? He never finished high school, and I was achieving high marks. And in a youthful way of thinking, "love will conquer all obstacles". It didn't.
But how I felt about myself through high school had a huge impact on my later years as well. After a difficult divorce from my high school sweetheart, I dated and later married a man who was very intelligent, had more of a churched upbringing (as I did) and I thought this was finally better, a place I could grow into who I thought I should be. But my own growing caused pains of a different kind, and he was the one who started having self doubt issues and was working through his own growing pains as well. Again, another divorce.
And then, I think every woman goes through a "bad boy" stage. Finding attraction with someone who's outside the norms, who pushes at societal rules. We find that zest for life fascinating, but since it's not who we are, it's difficult to find a common ground that's going to last .... at least, it didn't for me. But, I must say that the move from Calif to Ohio was a good one in the bigger picture. I loved living a small town life, sitting on the front porch, knowing all my neighbors, and having the time and inclination to being involved in my kids' lives with Girl Scouts, Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts, school athletics and band. Those were precious years to me, and I wouldn't trade them away. But it wasn't easy being away from my family. And the Bad Boy part .... felt like I had an additional kid.
There have been moments of doubts about where I've been, and how far I've come, but I can honestly say that I like living in Arizona, I love my little house that's just mine, and while some might feel that my life is a little lonely, (And I can admit that it can be, at times) it also leaves me with a lot of freedom to do things that *I* want to do. DIY projects, practicing my skills with my photography, having quiet time (no TV, no music, no loud noises), reading a good book. I enjoy all these things, and don't often feel it necessary to explain myself any longer.
I can just be me. Here.
Now.
and be just fine with it!
So bring it on, Birthday,
I got this!
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