No Gossip

I hate that I get sucked into FaceBook on a regular basis.  I can ignore it easily enough, but once I open it, I'm sucked in.  Sadly, every other post is some kind of advert, and the rest seem to be videos that I do NOT load and/or watch.  What happened to a simple photo with a nice description ...... but I digress from why I started this post.

One of the adverts was from Forbes with a suggestive title about keeping your thoughts to yourself in the workplace.  Which is good advice in almost every situation.  Work "friends" don't need to know what's going on in your life, or the things you're deciding about when it comes to your career.  One easy example was not sharing your thoughts about your job being not challenging enough for you.  You might make them feel bad because it's a challenge for them.   Ok, while I don't buy into the whole "making people feel bad" genre - I think that pendulum has swung too far to the right, and that in reality sometimes life is hard, and it makes a person feel bad.  We have to learn to deal with that part of life as well.

But the best advice came near the end of the article:

• The worse the environment, the more tight-lipped you have to be with your coworkers.
• 
  
• If things get so bad at your workplace that you can’t safely talk about much beyond the weather, that’s a sure sign it’s time to go!

Yeah.  That's the point that I'm at with coworkers.  I don't discuss any part of my life outside of work with them, because I have coworkers who tend to gossip.  Correction.  Who "get off" on sharing gossip, no matter how true or not.  Even my weird Elvis will take a nugget of information and create it into this hairy piece of gossip .... What's even funnier in this case is that he's 10 years older than I am.  And who says it's only women who spread gossip?????  lol

I have one younger coworker who has decided to make retail his career ... which is awesome!  And I was taking him "under my wing", giving him some up front knowledge that if utilized correctly could make him and his position valuable when it comes to changes in the future.  But I've come to realize that he has the tendency to gossip just as much as some of the females.  So I've learned the hard way what can and cannot be shared. 

I started my own working career at a company with only 60 employees, we grew to 80, but it was a privately owned company, and we were a family.  Leaving that kind of work environment for the retail sector ..... was SO difficult.  But I can't keep wishing for something that doesn't and won't exist in my world any longer. 


I found this short little article about "Testing for Gossip":
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, “Do you know what I just heard about your friend?”

“Hold on a minute”, Socrates replied. “Before telling me anything I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test.”

“Triple filter?”

“That’s right”, Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you’re going to say. That’s why I call it the triple filter test. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

“No,” the man said, “Actually I just heard about it and …”

“All right”, said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?”

“No, on the contrary.”

“So”, Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him, but you’re not certain it’s true. You may still pass the test though, because there’s one filter left: The filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?”

“No, not really.”

“Well”, concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?”

That's a good story, a good approach to take when someone wants to give you some juicy gossip.  If it's not true, good or useful, why listen to it???

And while it seems I'm taking the high road today, I tend to fall back into bad habits from time to time.  Hopefully, it will be less often if I take a moment to think before I actually listen. 

The Willies

OK ... I've got "the willies" ...... sometimes I feel like I'm six years old again .... and tattling on my siblings.  As with most full time jobs, there's a morning break and an afternoon break, usually 15 minutes.  If it goes to 20 mins on occasion and a person more than "makes up for it" by hustling when there's a need ... well, I tend to be wise enough to overlook what I call the little things.  As a supervisor, I have to make judgments calls from time to time when it comes to the work habits and ethics of those who work in my little section. 

As always, Elvis is a chronic problem.  And it isn't the first, second or even fifth time he's taken advantage.  Today, he left for his morning break and sauntered up front to buy some breakfast.  He brought it back, stopped at his desk, then proceeded to the break room to eat.  He didn't return until 20 minutes later.  In my book, that was a 40 minute break!

I argued with myself back and forth .... log it, capture video ... or just let it go, as it was a quiet kind of day.  But I decided after all of that to log it, have someone in management capture the video.  I'm going to leave it in their hands, let them decide what to do with the info. 

I'm kind of fed up with his narcissistic ways.  He tries to make conversation with me, and I'm not having any of it.  He asked about it once, I told him I was too busy.  So he runs around talking behind my back to other coworkers.  I've heard that I've been a)  coached  or b) dislike him or c) he's going to file a complaint/lawsuit against me for disrespecting him.   *raised eyebrows*  Of course, the co-workers he tells his little stories to are the type who run around and blab ... and it gets back to me. 

Some days the issue of working with him is a huge barrier to my own work.  I have to talk myself down from the feelings it brings up so that I can finish my day.  On really bad days, I can't stand the thought of using my computer or work space after he's used the same space.

Is getting "the willies" a real thing?

When you're cleansing negative energy from a space, you might ring a bell, smudge it with some sage, salt ... me, I tend to wipe things down with baby wipes (because it's handy, and smells fresh!)  And even if I'm being a little silly .....
the willies are gone!  (lol)

... but I'm not Wonder Woman!

Yes, it's an adjustment.  After two days, I'm trying to settle in to this new schedule at work.  It shouldn't make that much difference, I am starting one hour later than before.  But it seems to make all the difference in the world to me.  In that first hour, from 6-7 before most of the other day shift people arrive is when I get reports and paperwork ready for them to start their own day.  I use that hour to clean up the messes that have been left, get things organized and ready for the day.  I do much more than most in that first hour of my morning!  I'm good, but I'm not Wonder Woman!

Shifting that by an hour means that while I'm getting reports ready, people are filing in, wanting their reports quick so they can begin their own day.  The messes that were left in my area are trampled over because I don't have the time to get them out of the way.  And near the end of my day when I'm wrapping things up, there is a team of folks who are trying to unload the nightly delivery truck.  They need a place to put things, and have decided that in front of MY work area is the right place.  Now that my hours have shifted, it will be a constant battle for premium space!  And I'm older, grouchier and bitchier --- guess who's going to win???  lmao


It's weird that I'm still there for my 8 hour shift .... and it should be the same work priorities in the order I'm doing them, but .... it all seems different.  I'm also trying to figure out when to have my lunch hour at the gym.  It will still take some maneuvering to get that figured out.  It was 12:30 before I realized that I needed to take my lunch hour!  Time flies ... when you're having fun?

Whenever a company decides on changes, why is it they have to do many changes at once?  Why can't they just do a small change, let folks get in the habit and then do another change?  It's a little difficult to make so many huge changes all at once ... I'm supposed to do my normal duties each day, but at the same time, I have to re-organize and label my work area (yet again!  we just did this last year!)  in between all the regular demands of the day.  I can't do 8 hours worth of work and 6 hours worth of rearranging in an 8 hour day.  I'm good, but I'm not Wonder Woman!

We shall see what the next couple of weeks hold ....
our new Store Manager should be starting soon!

To The Minute

I finished watching "13 Reasons Why" today .... and wow.  Intense show.  Without a real ending, of course, because if they end it, how can there be another season???   And I hope they have one.  I think the show was done in an excellent and creative manner.  

The topic of teens in high school and all the bullying that can, and does, happen is a very real topic.  I know I felt some of Hannah's angst, feelings of loneliness.  

I, too, was a very not popular girl.  I often felt left out of the experiences that other kids seemed to be having.  Thankfully, nothing really awful happened to me like it did to Hannah, but those feelings she had were clear, and real.  They're not imagined.  And with technology the way it is, every thought and whim of other students is posted online - often without a lot of thought, but with plenty of emotion -- makes me glad I'm not a teenager now!  or raising a teenager, either!!

And now I have to wonder where the next season will take us?

And what will be my next show to watch?

The rest of my day has had me feeling ..... off.  Out of step.  I thought I was low on water, but I remedied that.  Walked Sadie.  Twice.  Cleaned the backyard, trimmed up some bushes (Still have more to do there).  Shopped at Home Depot for a couple replacement plants.  But I'm just feeling ... off.   In the middle of the wee morning hours I woke up, and checked my FitBit for my pulse.  A few times in the past it's been 50 when I wake up and feel ... off.  This time, it was 47.  I just had my physical and the Dr said I'm fine.  Overweight, but fine.

Maybe it's all the changes I can see coming at my BigBox Store.  I find it ... odd and off-putting that they are just going to be changing up our schedules without any notice.  After 9 years with the same 6-3 hours, they are changing to 7-4.  Sleeping in a little later might sound like an awesome thing. But on the other hand, I won't gain an hour of sleep as I'll have to leave for work and factor in traffic.  At best, I'll get an extra 30 minutes on the sleeping end.

But my evening schedule will be thrown off as well ... poor Sadie will be home alone extra time, because there will be traffic during the drive home, too.  UGH.   What's worse is that I know what my job entails and the best hours to get my job done in an efficient, timely manner so that bosses will have the reports and resources they need to go about their own day.  And starting an hour later is NOT going to be the best thing for the store.  But as they say "c'est la vie"  .... they have instilled in us that we MUST follow the schedule, so that's what I'll be doing.

To. the. minute.   

40 Years

I've been watching "13 Reasons Why" on Netflix.  I know, everyone else watched it long ago when it first came out.  I wasn't sure I could watch something like this -- there's a lot of tension and drama and sometimes those don't sit well with me.  It's a fascinating story told in two settings:  current, and flashbacks.  I'm still watching it, and nearly to the end.

Some of the scenes brought me back to the time when I was in high school, how I thought that what was happening was all there was to life, was so important.  It was scary and exciting at the same time, and I cared deeply about what others thought of me.  But as soon as high school was done, I rarely saw any of those people .... so what was the big deal about?

We just had our 40 year class reunion and I didn't go.  Why?  Because just what would I say to those people?  And would my anxiety of high school days come right back up?  I'm not sure I'd want to share that I've been married 3 times, that one of them was an internet romance that had me moving cross country -- and then back again after it failed.  Or that I've been alone for 13+ years now, and liking it just fine.  That after each failed marriage I started over with little to nothing and built it all back up, only to have the next one fail.

Which explains being alone for so long.  I would have to have many boundaries in a relationship because I refuse to start over again with nothing.  I built up to what I have now, and I like it just the way it is.  I own my own house, I just bought a new car, and while life always has struggles of some sort, I find that I'm doing just fine for the most part.

So back to the series .... what high school events would cause someone so much unhappiness, when in reality it's just four years of a very long life each of us has?  At the same time, these are formative years and our choices will have an effect on us for an entire lifetime.  In looking back, I remember those days in a fond but detached way.  I'm glad I wasn't in the "popular" crowd, that I didn't become overly immersed in the antics of those days, that I made choices looking toward a future beyond high school.  And I look back with a little regret that I didn't do more in those same years that would enable me to grow into the person I was capable of becoming.

Not. Normal.

Isn't it weird how we become .... so used to something?  I worked 10 days in a row because of vacation schedule coverage, and that's ok, I don't mind it at all.  But when the end of the 10 days comes, I feel .... lost when I don't have to go to work -- is that weird???

I know I'm not a "normal" woman.  I know I'm high sensitive, an empath of sorts, and that I feel things on a different level than others.  By day 9 at work, I was feeling every bit of the energy that came anywhere near me.  Three different times I had to leave my work area and hide out in the ladies' room for a bit to get away from it all.  Each time, I checked my pulse on my FitBit and while normally during work hours it ranges 70-85 bpm, but it was well over 125 as I was trying to work and all this energy was swirling around me.  I felt as if it was surrounding me like a snake curling around it's next victim, slowly squeezing tighter.  It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's quite overwhelming!   But a few minutes alone with some breathing exercises helps me focus and regroup.  I use an app called "Calm" and it has a breathing exercise.  Thank goodness for these apps!



So now I'm at a place ... what do I do for a three day weekend?  Chores?  Some creative project?  Sleep?  I often am overwhelmed with what could be choices, and end up doing something only half way.  I would love to get out and take some photos, that would be my ideal.  But when my "cup feels empty", it's hard to put yourself into something creative.  Maybe some time on the road would feel good, it's becoming much cooler in the early morning hours -- it was 68 when I walked Sadie at 5am, and I almost wanted a sweater!  lol


Speaking of walking Sadie, with cooler temps, and an evening breeze, she wouldn't settle until I took her for a walk.  She loves to walk, and I indulge her as often as I can.  But the wind was too much, it blows dust into her nose and she ends up panting and coughing an hour after our 15 minute walk.  So I need to keep an eye on that with her.  Yep.   Pugs are a very temperamental breed.

I started a closed Facebook group for my family, to have a place to post about family history.  But the only two people who might like a post, or care enough to make a comment, has been my mother and my Aunt Carol.  It makes me sad that the younger generation doesn't ... I mean, it took me a while to act on it, but I've always known that I can't be who I am supposed to be unless I know where I come from.  And in my family's case .... an even more difficult thing, because they were always so close mouthed about our history.  What I've learned, and able to surmise is from generalities about what people have written about farming life on the prairie.  Which is probably why I never became a teacher -- I would expect too much.

Another Tuesday

It's been a wild ride this past week!  My worker is on vacation, so I'm having to do both my job and his.  That's ok, I get them done!  But it's been a rough go of it this time.  On Friday night, Sadie and I were both trying to turn around in the doorway to the little bathroom.  Needless to say, there is NOT room for both of us!  My feet got tangled, I was worried I was going to step on her and took a mis-step and jammed my right pinkie toe against the door jam.  Shooting pains slammed over me as I held on so I didn't actually fall down ..... I hobbled to the bed and just sat.  Walking was painful, but I knew that I needed to elevate.  I grabbed some ice, stuck a sock on my foot to hold the toes in place, and rested it on a pillow.  In the morning, my foot was swollen and it took great effort to put on a shoe!  Thank goodness I was only working 6 hours on Saturday!

By the time I got home, I was SO happy to slip off my shoes.  The right side of my foot is black and blue, and right between those two toes, it's nearly purple.  Not only have I sprained my toe, but it looks like I broke a couple of blood vessels in there as well.   I soaked it, then rested until the next day.

Sunday wasn't as bad, still a little swelling.  Once I get a shoe on and keep the toe stabilized, I'm able to walk pretty well -- at least it isn't a hobble any longer!  Another few days and things should be good again.  *crossing my fingers*



I had an "A-HA" moment when watching a few of my fav episodes from Frasier.  It's the one where Niles elopes with Mel, and Daphne confesses she has feelings for Niles to Frasier.  The night of her wedding, Frasier talks to both Niles and Daphne, convincing them to have a private talk.  But Daphne can't just leave Donny at the altar.  And they part ways.  The next day, she escapes her own wedding and meets up with Niles in the Winnebago - and it's L-O-V-E.    My "a-ha" moment was when I realized why I have always been enthralled with those episodes.  Well, first, I'm female and happy endings are part of what we like.  But the other part is realizing that I was hoping that would have been the case for me.  I didn't want to be married, I kept hoping Ron would be my knight in shining armor and sweep me away from it all.  But I learned from Daphne that if that's what I truly wanted, I needed to find the courage to run away myself.  And at the time, I was too young, too inexperienced to know that.  So I got married anyways.  The marriage only lasted 9 years.  And to this day, I still wonder what became of Ron.

Maybe some day, I'll have my answer.

Unfortunately, It's Tuesday

Such a very odd week for me.  I worked Sunday, then had Monday off.  And because I have a very hectic schedule coming up, I allowed Monday to be a day of rest and do nothings kind of day.  But what a price to pay in my BigBox Store!

I am always there early/on time, and the first thing I usually do is clean and straighten things up so that the rest of the day flows smoothly and by 8am, well into doing the normal stuff.  Today?  I didn't even begin the normal routine until 1pm.  Yes.  That's what a mess I walked into after One. Day. Off.

The main printer was offline because it needed a "maintenance kit" installed.  You change one main roller in the back, and two rollers for each paper tray.  But no, they waited until I arrived.  Another mess left:  a box of hazardous pool shock left on the floor of my area for me to deal with.  Then there's running all the reports that didn't print because the printer was off-line.  The store ran out of paper towels and why??????  *sorry, not a mind reader*  The powers that be (higher up) have a limit of 2 cases of paper towels to be ordered each week.  (We use about 10 cases a week.)

Is having a day off worth it???   Hmmm.  Most times I answer that with a "no".  But it's really not fair that things are left for me.  I'm getting old(er) .... what would happen if I had to have two weeks off??  My BigBox store sounds like it would fall apart!  ( lmao, we are ALL replaceable in the world of retail!)

but some days....... grrrrrr.......

Nothing sounds better than a hot shower, an ice cold bottle of water,
and crawl into bed to watch some Antiques Roadshow.

Unfortunately, it's Tuesday.  Guess it'll be Frasier - get me a few laughs in!

Sunday Musings

Here it is, Sunday night.  And I'm a bit out of sorts.  I worked today.  I'm off on Monday.  I can't remember the last time I had a Monday off!  I think it's been years!  But I have the day off so that I can cover a vacation.  It'll be a love/hate week of work - LOTS of work, I'll be doing the work of two persons, in a one-person shift.  Cuz that's how retail rolls.  :/   But I'm good, I work smarter, not harder.  lol  My Dad always told me that one!!

So many odd dreams lately, I haven't been taking a notes, just remembering what I can.  In one, I was teaching my ex mother-in-law how to shoot a rifle.  Verrrrry strange!   It's an odd feeling, being filled with all these weird images that involve people from my past.  I'm guessing it might mean there are unresolved issues? or things left unsaid I wished I'd said?   Hard to say.  Or maybe it's as simple as "if there was someone I wanted to hurt with a rifle, Doris would be the one who'd stand by me and help??"  lmao.  Ok.  Probably not that.

Closer to the truth would be it's related to my delving into the past with some family history.  I just can't seem to let go of a few things that really bother me.  My Dad's family was raised in a town called Alvarado.  His grandmother lived in town, on Fering Street, and paid $7/month rent in 1930 according to the census.  And she lived alone.  In this same year, only 300+/- people lived in this town.  One of them was her half brother, Olof and his kids.  This is an old time community, 1930 was a difficult year, and folks in the midwest farming communities pulled together - you depended on family to get you through the tough times.  And yet, as far as I can tell, there are no family stories, or photos, of any kind of get-togethers, even on holidays.  I have some wonderful old copies of events from parts of the family, but absolutely nothing on this other side of the family.  It's just ... so odd.  Contradicts everything we were raised with, values and such.  I keep hoping, and thinking, that if I poke hard enough, something will come to light.  But I'm guessing not, and I should just be able to leave it alone.  It's probably time to do just that, and go with the memories that we DO have and leave the rest alone.

And maybe the dreams will stop as well.

Workin' Whoa's

I've been finding lately that my dreams coincide with lengthy bouts of sleep time.  Normally, I sleep 90 minutes then my FitBit logs a "restless" frame of time.  I'm hoping that just means rolling over, but sometimes it's staring at the TV for a while.  But the last few days with heavy dreams I've been sleeping for 3-hour stretches.  Weird for me, but I'm liking this pattern, because I need that quality down time to recharge for whatever tomorrow will hold!

And it's all about loads of changes at my BigBox Store.  Most of them have to do with changing over from their hardwired computer system to new little APPs.  And like everything else, there's an app for that!!   Looks like they're making that come true.  But being the "back office team leader" on all things changing it's up to me to keep up, to learn and then teach.  By the end of every day, my brain is on overload.  (Which probably has resulted in the deep sleep and heavy dreams!)  

On top of all that, if you're following along on my Elvis saga - this guy just keeps burying himself.  When you're told something has changed at your job, it's up to you to care enough to remember the change.  Elvis doesn't.  I'm not sure if somewhere along the line, he started to believe himself invincible and that he can keep on doing his own thing?  Management must be making some decisions - I was called back to work yesterday afternoon to forward emails concerning all of the incidents and run-ins that I've had with him.  What they do with that info is up to them.  *smh* 

So in the overall scheme of things, I'm at this crossroad again.  With an all new management team that so far has turned out to be all strong, vocal (read: bossy) women, and that doesn't work well with me.  The latest for my own job performance has been removing the tool that sets the work schedule for the 5 of us on our team.  Since I won't be doing the schedules, I won't be covering missing shifts.  Guess the new "strong, vocal (read: bossy) manager can fill in when someone's missing!   *smh*  (yes, that sounds kind of snarky on my part but this is the fourth time "new management" has taken over in the past 6 years; they do this same thing: take away the scheduling tool - until they're missing a few shifts, then it's "oh please can you do this again for us?"  ugh)  

Dreamin' Again

It is Monday, normally my ... self-inflicted "tech free day".  A very long work day, it's never fun working in a BigBox Store when everyone else is off work --- and shopping :/



But I had the oddest dream last night.   I was watching what I thought was a sunset.  The big orange sun was setting, but rather than travel in direction to sink along the horizon, it swirled, dipped, and took a spin in many directions.  Just before the sun set, it was covered in clouds, or was it smoke?  and zoomed closer to me.  Once the breeze blew away the clouds/smoke, it revealed itself as an alien head -- big black eyes, flat red face.  It seemed to be telling me something, but I couldn't or didn't understand.   (Of course, now the theme song from "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" is running through my head!)



I'm sure the dream was meant to tell me something, or to notice something that I'm missing.  I pondered it all day, and didn't come up with anything.

Maybe tonight.

Weird Thoughts

Sometimes I have weird thoughts in my head.  Today's thought was about my TV viewing habits.  Is there a reason behind the binge watching that I do?

For many years, I watched very little TV.  In fact, so little TV that it was only a year ago that I replaced my very old 19" tube TV -- you remember, the kind that were two feet deep and must weight 70 lbs?  Between the big screen TV and Netflix, I watch a lot more.  But the weird thing is I watch things in binges.  At first, I binge watched all 11 seasons of Frazier, several times!  And then, for a while, I couldn't get enough Blue Bloods.  (then season 6 came along and I wasn't as impressed with it ......).  It got to the point with either show that I have lines memorized!

I got caught up in Orange is the New Black, I watched an Australian show called "Dance Academy" and just loved the actor Jordan Rodriques ---- which led me to watch Bring It On: Worldwide #Cheersmack --- um, ugh, but it was fun watching him!  I also binged on "Highway Thru Hell". During our summer heat, it was oddly soothing to watch big rigs running in the snow ......

Which brings me back to my original weird thought:  Is there a reason behind the binge watching that I do?  What brought me back to watching "Frazier" again ??  I'm wondering if it fills some unacknowledged need I have.  Or that there's so little people drama that goes unresolved in the show that it's soothing after a day of work-drama ??  Sophisticated humor could be part of it.


Bustle says "We tend to gravitate toward binge-watching when we experience more stress in our lives. For better or worse, binge-watching is one way our brain now responds to anxiety. Does that mean you should cancel your accounts? Absolutely not. The trick is to introduce as many other alternatives to dealing with stress as the ones we choose through television.  Because whatever happens, that next episode will still be there tomorrow. "

When this little symbol appears on my screen, it's like euphoria! at the end of a long work day.

OK, maybe it's as simple as having the TV run as if there's other people in the house.  And maybe it IS to reduce some of the daytime stress induced by work.

But come cooler weather, I'm going to try and curb some of this TV watching
-- until next summer!

Fall & Old Loves

Fall is coming soon to the Valley of the Sun.  While it's still over 100's on a daily basis, you can sense there's a change in the weather about to happen.   And as I get older, I find myself wanting to know about the people who meant a lot to me when I was a lot younger.  People who influenced me in a big way when I was still trying to find my own identity.  One of those people is a guy named Ron Parker.

When I was 19-20 years old, I worked for a forklift dealership, back in the service department.  I would take calls from customers and dispatch a mechanic over to fix their forklift.  It was a job that took a lot of time management, and I was really good at it.  (Besides, what better job for a young female than a job telling ten men where to go and what to do ????)  I took a few lumps and hard knocks from a few of them, but I earned their respect, and most of them treated me like a little sister.  They watched out for me if we stopped for drinks after work, made sure I was OK to drive home, listened when life seemed unfair.  Except Ron.  He was different.  Long and lanky, he had a quick smile and great eyes.  He was pretty handy with a wrench, too!    I was hooked, fell hard.  But I was engaged to my high school sweetheart.  (Which is another weird and winding story...)

I was young and inexperienced in the ways of other men, having known only my high school sweetheart.  I was raised old fashioned and since he was my first, I knew I was supposed to stay .... and then I met Ron.  He was many things my fiance wasn't.  And when I was with him, I felt important, that what I had to say mattered, that my knowledge and my common sense didn't have to be hidden, because he was just as smart and had just as much common sense.  It's hard to put it all into words because so many years have passed, but he was just so much more than my fiance.

We started hanging out together, enjoying a few beers with the guys after work.   It became a weekly ritual and needless to say, I wasn't fit to drive one night.  I went home with Ron.  He didn't take advantage of me, he just took care of me, let me sleep it off.  Without having to add any high school style commentary, or rude jokes.

We became close, and I was sure it was love.  And more than that.  Because we were friends on equal footing.  And that seemed important.  I started hanging out at his house, he took me to meet his parents.  No one pushed, even though it was obvious that I had an important decision to make:  Ron or Fiance.   And I wanted Ron.  So I told my parents, who went through the roof because wedding plans were already in place.  They had me in counseling with the family pastor immediately.  Oddly enough, he agreed that if I had this many doubts, I probably shouldn't get married.  But my parents were good with the guilt, and I walked down that aisle, looking over my shoulder every chance I could get, wondering if Ron would be there "like a knight in shining armor" ready to take me away from the place I didn't really want to be.

As I look back on all that now, I don't recall much of my wedding at all.  And Ron is the reason why.   But he had too much respect for me as a person to choose for me; he knew I needed to choose for myself.   In the end, I couldn't go against my parents' wishes.

But here is it, fall again, and I find myself thinking of him, because I enjoyed our time together in September into November.

I wonder what became of his life, did he marry or have kids?
has he been happy?  Is he still in California?
.Does he ever think about me?

Maybe some day, I'll have my answers.

Planet Fitness

I'm a member of Planet Fitness.  I chose this gym because it's 2 minutes from work, I can dash over on my lunch hour to get a bit of cardio in.  Today, because I was done with work at 10am, I headed over to the gym and hopped on the treadmill.  I purposefully covered the digital display so I wouldn't be distracted with numbers, or more specifically ... how much time has gone? and is it enough time that I can stop?!!!   I set the parameters for 55 minutes and just let it go.  The first time I got the urge to check the time, I was past 30 minutes.

And that's where the I hit "the exercise high".  I felt like I could keep on going ... and going ... and going.    I added another 5 minutes to make it an even 60, and to make sure I got past the 3 mile mark.   The Beach Boys came over the headset and I cranked up the speed so that my running pace would match the beat of the music.

With a mix of 80s head bangin' stuff, to some country tunes, one of the last ones was Jason Aldean's "The Only Way I Know".   Really strikes a chord with me, because I was raised on country music and that's just how it's always been for me:

"That’s the only way I know

Don’t stop 'til everything’s gone

Straight ahead, never turn round

Don’t back up, don’t back down

Full throttle, wide open

You get tired and you don’t show it

Dig a little deeper when you think you can’t dig no more

That’s the only way I know"

And it spurred me on, finished it out at 65 minutes, 3.25 miles.
Then I hit the machines for some more leg work.
If work hadn't called and interrupted me, I might have done even more!


As I get older, I have come to find that losing weight is a very real struggle.  Because it is, about two weeks ago, I decided that weight loss wasn't going to be my thing, and put it out of my head.  I changed my thoughts toward staying healthy.  And amazingly enough, I've now lost 8 lbs in the past two weeks!   So was I stressing about it so much that I was hindering progress?  Don't know, don't care.  I just keep going so that I'll maintain some muscle, some balance, and some good health.