40 Years

I've been watching "13 Reasons Why" on Netflix.  I know, everyone else watched it long ago when it first came out.  I wasn't sure I could watch something like this -- there's a lot of tension and drama and sometimes those don't sit well with me.  It's a fascinating story told in two settings:  current, and flashbacks.  I'm still watching it, and nearly to the end.

Some of the scenes brought me back to the time when I was in high school, how I thought that what was happening was all there was to life, was so important.  It was scary and exciting at the same time, and I cared deeply about what others thought of me.  But as soon as high school was done, I rarely saw any of those people .... so what was the big deal about?

We just had our 40 year class reunion and I didn't go.  Why?  Because just what would I say to those people?  And would my anxiety of high school days come right back up?  I'm not sure I'd want to share that I've been married 3 times, that one of them was an internet romance that had me moving cross country -- and then back again after it failed.  Or that I've been alone for 13+ years now, and liking it just fine.  That after each failed marriage I started over with little to nothing and built it all back up, only to have the next one fail.

Which explains being alone for so long.  I would have to have many boundaries in a relationship because I refuse to start over again with nothing.  I built up to what I have now, and I like it just the way it is.  I own my own house, I just bought a new car, and while life always has struggles of some sort, I find that I'm doing just fine for the most part.

So back to the series .... what high school events would cause someone so much unhappiness, when in reality it's just four years of a very long life each of us has?  At the same time, these are formative years and our choices will have an effect on us for an entire lifetime.  In looking back, I remember those days in a fond but detached way.  I'm glad I wasn't in the "popular" crowd, that I didn't become overly immersed in the antics of those days, that I made choices looking toward a future beyond high school.  And I look back with a little regret that I didn't do more in those same years that would enable me to grow into the person I was capable of becoming.