Why? Oh Why?

Much of life's troubles include the question why?  We always want the answers to this question.  As kids, we ask for something and Parent says "no" and kid asks WHY? It's been the same for many generations. Including the typical response "Because I said so"!

Over the years, I have asked many Whys?  An ex cheated, and the first question becomes why?  With the natural assumption that it had something to do with you.

My biggest why? was when my son died by suicide.  I will never get the answers to that one.  

My current why? has to do with growing up with my mother and what caused her to be the way she is.

It seems to be human nature to ask questions, to wonder why.  When we question things, sometimes we get answers,  breakthroughs, and other information. Critical thinking begins with asking why.  And yet when someone says something and the other person asks "Why?" we can feel threatened or offended. Its a simple question, and yet holds so much power behind it.

But after so many years, I have come to realize that we don't get answers to all our inevitable question of why.

But why??? 

One Step, Two Steps

Short post because my day is jam packed. So was yesterday. 

Arranged Mom's dentist appt, she went,  the tooth that was capped 8 months ago needs a root canal.  Called to make arrangements for that,  which isn't easy, because it also has to coordinate with transportation at her facility. They only run Tues and Weds.  Finally got it all arranged. 

Then a call back -- they don't take her insurance.  So now I start all over again finding a place that does this work, is within 10 miles, takes new patients, and has an opening between 10 and noon on a Tuesday or Wednesday. 

One step forward, two steps back. 

Waited an hour for an oil change, but getting checked out at the end, there was a line, a computer malfunctioned, so another 26 mins to get out of there. 

Two steps forward, one step back.

I am not a fan of making my own appts, now I make them for two of us. It put me out of sorts, so I compensated by eating Good N Plenty for dinner.  

My nephew called wanting help picking up the kids so he could work extra shifts and take a vacation next week.  I agreed this time, then it changed to picking up both kids, separate schools, separate times. And its across town from me so an hour of drive time.  And there's a small resentment burning because he doesn't visit his grandmother.   

One step forward, one step back.

I am trying to carve out time for my own writing projects. I started a novel years ago and want to get back to that. I try to carve out 20 mins a day for dealing with my mom issues. Or maybe there's some other kind of creativity I need to be trying.  

Either way, I want to try to have a life. Before its too late.  I could be in this elder care limbo for a long time. Who knows how long mom will hang in there.  One of her other residents juat had her 94th birthday.  Mom is only 88. 

Life is short.