How You Feel

The last time I took mom to a doctor, he asked her to identify her level of pain on a chart.  She was mystified looking at the chart.

I was listening to a radio podcast talking about helping kids identify emotions. They are using the same sort of chart to help kids identify feelings.  Happy,  sad, embarrassed, angry, etc.  And I got to thinking about how I was raised. If, as kids, we were acting out, we were punished. No one asked us why we were misbehaving, or how we were feeling, just sent to our rooms.  

In other words, we were taught to suppress whatever we were feeling, taught to deflect our actions rather than acknowledge our emotions.  This is an Aha moment for me.  

Because now that I'm caring for mom, I realize that I learned as an adult to recognize and voice feelings. And she still hasn't.   Its sad because she internalizes her feelings until it comes out as anxiety, panic attacks and verbal abuse.  

Talking about feelings can be difficult but there isn't right and wrong, they're just feelings.  

Adulting Sucks

My retired life has become difficult to take, and some days I have a melt down.  Every day is filtered with the "what about mom" before anything else. But what about me?

Last Friday it was all about getting a medication refilled.  The doctor didn't want to give her a refill without an appointment, but hadn't explained that on our last visit.  She didn't have enough to get through the weekend.  

But it finally came through Friday afternoon.  Of course we had MrZ and MsJ, so we couldn't dash over to pick it up until my nephew picked up the kids.  And it was one of those days where he had to stay late. 

It was nearly 6, ready to head over to Walmart and Mom decides she wants to go along.  Normally I don't mind but geez, I'd been dealing with her and her stuff all day.  So off we go, she's walking so slow with her cane, and wants to hold on to a shopping cart as well.  What's normally a quick errand for me took nearly an hour.  When I get home late, I get crabby.  I like to be settled in for the night by 5, lately its been 6, but last night it was after 7 before I got home.  

It becomes difficult when your entire days and weeks revolve around doing things for Mom.  

Where do you draw a line when it comes to taking care of your elderly parent(s)?

She tries to engage in conversation, but only hears about half. But I've noticed that when I talk to her about things in my life, she tells those things to others.  I always thought of myself as having nothing to hide, but she takes it to a whole different level.  Which caused me to recognize that I don't tell her much anymore.   

While I love her because she's my mom, I don't much like her as a person.  

Why does that happen??? 

Them she pulls the woe is me crying and can you stay the night??  Just like the rest of my life, I have to figure out what to do and do it myself because no one else does.  

Adulting sucks.