Frozen

Frozen. There doesn't seem to be a better word for it, but for the last two days, I feel indecisive and lacking motivation.  I wanted to drive to Target to see if they have some Stash tea. And then I pretended some logic about not wasting gas to drive 3 miles to look for tea.  

I didn't run the dishwasher, so clean dishes for cooking .... I need to run it and then do my cooking for the week.  Tomorrow.

Which means I need a meal. I was going to head for Walmart and pick up a few things along with doing some shopping.  I don't need anything, except lunch.  

So what's with all the procrastinating? Why am I feeling frozen in place when it comes to making a decision? 

I should run to check on mom's house. Didn't do that either.  *sigh*   On another note, I am craving meatloaf and baked potatoes, and a cheese pizza. 

What causes this kind of funk????

Some thoughts in the aftermath, I added ground beef and pork and bread crumbs to the grocery order, I'll be making meatloaf tomorrow!! 

Fear & Anxiety

Fear and anxiety seem to go hand in hand. Is it because one feeds the other?  Anxiety can escalate into an acute fear response (like a panic attack) when anticipating something happening.

Mom has always liked being outdoors, even if its just sitting on the patio. When I visit her, I try to take her outside, avoid a little cabin fever.

But recently, she has started to have anxiety attacks if we go outside to sit, even for 10 minutes.  We get back inside, she starts removing layers.  (Why she wears 3 shirts every day is beyond me!) But what fear is she having by going outside? Fear of the heat?  Fear of being away from what's familiar?

At first, I just thought she was overheated. But taking off layers to cool off doesn't change the anxiety.  And once it starts, it moves through stages, sometimes lasting for hours.  There's nausea, and fidgeting, shallow breathing that leads to belly aches and burping because she swallows air. 

Once her mind is in this mode, you can't talk to her. I've tried often, speaking slow and soft. I use "smell the flowers, blow out the candles".  She always insists she can't.  

A constant source of frustration. Every single time. 

Yesterday, she asked if we could play a game. *blink* I can't imagine what kind of game that would be. We don't often like the same things.  We watch TV together; yesterday she wanted to try Blue Bloods, but nope, too gory, violent and noisy.  I hooked her up with Heartland on Netflix. We'll see if she sticks with it. 

Someone gave her a list of authors to read.  I wonder if she could learn to read on a kindle?? She would definitely need help with downloads. She still has trouble turning on her TV at times.  *sigh*

Elder care isn't easy. Add in fear, and a boatload of anxiety, and it's that much harder. And exhausting.