Holiday Madness!

 The holidays are always a busy time for most people.  They're even busier for those who work in retail stores (so don't forget to say "thanks" to those folks!, we really appreciate it!!)  But this year is even harder than ever.  Not only do I have to take care of me, and do my job every day, I'm also taking care of Mom.  She's still living with me.  Every day off work is spent in the pursuit of finding her a home.  

She finally found one she liked, we made an offer, it was accepted, we did the inspection, the seller agreed to fix the things we found and we did the final walk thru on Saturday.  We're now waiting for the money from the sale of her home to hit the checking account so we can finalize our monies with the title company and get her moved in!  

But what I'm coming to accept is that my days off are going to be filled with running errands for mom.   With mom.  My vacation days are going to be spent doing those things that she can't do for herself.  And I'm finding that there are more of those things than ever before.  I know that this is a big change for her, and I'm trying to be patient and understanding.  But she is a worrier.  I come home from work to find her sitting on the couch with papers all around her.  There are so many things that need to be done -- find a doctor, get her an AZ ID,  insurance, utilities, post office.  Then there are errands, groceries, shopping, library trips.  

I'm trying not to be resentful,  and maybe that's the wrong word.  But it's intrusive to my own time, my own things that need doing.  Taking walks in parks, painting rocks, taking photos.  I raised my own two kids, I raised 7 others off and on thru the years (stepchildren) and I was finally at a place where I was thinking I would only have to worry about me for a few years.  *sigh*  

It's a fine line, taking care of an aging parent.  But I'm trying to work it out, work it into something that works for both her and I.   And that's all I can do --- try my best.

Hello, Mom!

 Recently, my mom decided that she needed to be closer to family.  Since we moved in many directions, she narrowed it down to two:  Nevada, near my brother, or Arizona, near me.  She decided on Arizona!   Lucky me .... ;) 

I flew up and helped her pack in September, then in October.  She decided that the packing was going so well, she didn't want to drag it all out, and November 4 we flew to Arizona.  All her stuff was packed in pods; she had worried the entire time that all her stuff wouldn't fit, so she got rid of a lot of things.  Personally, I think in the long run she will be happy she got rid of all that stuff that becomes a burden. 

So here we are, three+ weeks later.  She first worried that her house wouldn't sell.  It did within the first week of her open house.  Then she worried she wouldn't find a house here.  The first two or three weren't that great, but at the time she was worried about other things and couldn't see they could work once fixed up.  But.  Last weekend a house became on the market.  We saw it 3 days after it hit the website and she loved it.  We made an offer Saturday.  They countered on Sunday.  On Monday, it was a done deal!  

Then comes all the craziness that buying a house entails:  singing more and more papers.  Inspections.  Meetings.  And also the obvious worries on her part.  There's no shower door.  There's no rod in the closet.  There aren't any curtains.  Um. Hello mom, you get to buy all that stuff to SUIT YOU.  Whatever you want, you can get.  No.... it won't look like your old house, because all that stuff was 40+ years old!  This will be new and more modern looking, with all your familiar belongings around you.  It's going to be great --- in the end.  

In the meantime, my email and text messages are blowing up.  There are so many things to do, people who want to contact you for this or that.  Between Mom's house and my usual array of work question and answer sessions via text, I haven't had much time for anything else!  My crafts and my writing projects are on the back burner until all this gets more settled.  

Swoosh ... time flies, it's nearly Christmas, and she's going to have Christmas in her new house!

Holiday blessings to all!! 

Walking

Taking a daily walk is probably the best thing one can do for our health and well being.  Today I got up early to get my garbage out to the curb, and about 8am and I was wondering what I was going to do all day.  I said what the heck! and took off to my local park.   I dropped off a few painted rocks, took a few photos, and felt really good just hanging out among the trees.  

If you have time, or better, if you can make time, get yourself outdoors and take a walk! 

Thoughts on Moving Mom

Sometimes I get to thinking about things ... and sometimes overthinking things.  But those moments are needed.  It's how we figure out the small stuff in relation to the bigger stuff.  There have been many times where I made choices and decisions -- some good, some not so good and some exactly right.   I try to trust my gut and intuition.  Those are always the decisions that turn out right.  So when you have that niggle in the back of your mind, or deep in your gut, pay attention.  

I found this quote on facebook, and it spoke to me.  Sometimes we get in our own way before we can see the way we should go.  

Compared to my mom, I do pretty well making major decisions.  Mom has been struggling with what to do next in her life.  Dad passed away 7 years ago, my sister 2 years ago.   She's in a big house, too big for her to care for alone at her age.  But she doesn't want to leave the house she's been in for more than 50 years.  She also doesn't want to be alone.  I flew up there a couple weeks ago because she was thinking she needs to move next year.  So it was my job to point out that moving is not impossible.  I ordered in a few packing boxes and we packed up things she hasn't used for a while.  And the next day, she woke up and told me over breakfast "I think I want to move in November."  *blink*blink*   I was a bit taken aback because she isn't usually decisive, but I nodded, said OK, then let's get some more packing done!  By the time I left, we had packed up many many rooms of things, and taken two very full trips of stuff to Salvation Army!   

My brother drove down from Nevada and we went over things, he called is his realtor and now mom's house is going to be listed.  She's got two pods ordered for Nov 1st and we're all converging to help her move things.  Then she'll fly home with me, to stay at my house until she finds a place of her own.  

I've spent all of my days off moving my things into Brian's room so that she can have the bigger bedroom.  I got a new blanket for the bed, because she's always cold at night.  But ... it gets chilly in Cali's Bay Area because of the fog and ocean breezes.  Arizona will be different :)   I've seen a few really cute houses here, but she's old school, doesn't want to make an offer until she has cash in hand to back up her choice.  *shrug*  that's a part of being in her generation.  

I haven't lived with anyone in five+ years .... living with my mother will be .... an adjustment.  But we'll be fine!  And November will be a great month -- nice days, cool nights.  After work walks, trips to the library, all good things!!!

What If's and Regrets

How many times do we think back over something we said, or some event that went wrong, and think "what if ..... " ?  There are so many times, if you're like me, where we think and re-think something that could have gone better if only we had done or said something different.  It's really hard to let go of some of those things where we might have had better control if only ... .

There have been times in my working life where I could have controlled my tongue or my emotions better. For me, it's easy to get into the "groove" being too open or outspoken with someone I consider a friend, but is technically a boss.  And of course, there's the down side of showing every feeling and emotion on my face!   I am definitely not a good poker player!  I'm better than I was 20 years ago, thankfully.  

There are times when I find myself getting into a really deep groove, more like a rut, thinking about the what if's in my past.  I know I have/hold a lot of animosity regarding my own family.  There are things that have happened and it has created hostilities in some areas.  For example, why are people so funny about money??  There was a situation where the inheritance from my grandfather to his children was .... redirected .... to a grandson in totality.  My mother and her sister didn't receive any part of the inheritance.  And since then, the old family farmstead home has been razed, so no more family history there any longer.  Another one of those situations where you say "what if ??" 

Which brings me to current situations.  My parents had a life plan, and it isn't working out  how they planned it.  And I'm not sure how to go about getting some changes.  I don't want to be saying "what if" in another ten years!   So I'll be spending a week with my mom in the future, and hope we can spend some time having some real conversations so there won't be those what if's.  

So if you're on your road of life, and you have choices to make, think them through, and /or go with your gut instinct if that's something you trust, so that later in life, you won't have any of the "what if's" that get stuck in your head! 

Happy Natal Day

 Today I turn 63 years old.  And in my old age, I find myself being more ... thoughtful, as in thinking about things in the past, reminiscing along with thoughts about all the changes that have happened in my lifetime.  

We've gone from a corded phone that hung on the wall, to cordless phones so that we could wander within the house, to cell phones that let you make calls from outside a house, to smart phones that let you do everything from anywhere! 

We've gone from a black and white TV that weighed 50+ lbs with tubes to color TVs to smart TVs that do everything our smart phones can do -- and sometimes more! 

A computer was a giant thing that was only found at IBM, to a personal type computer that sat on a desktop.  I can remember doing "upgrades" by installing additional memory and such so that it would work better, faster, easier, or something else.  Then it was from desktops to lap tops to tablets and ultimately back to the smart phone because we can do so much on them.  I laugh because the first laptop I bought for myself was around $2k.  And now, gee whiz the technology that we've seen in the last 50 years has been incredible!!  

I can remember being in the 4th grade and we were discussing the possibility of cities being under some kind of domes because of pollution.  There was also talk about flying cars - just like we watched in the Jetsons cartoon!  Here we are 50+ years later and none of that has happened.  Yet.

Vehicles have certainly changed.  Cars got bigger in the late 60s and 70s, and then began growing smaller after that.  Back then gas was 35cents a gallon.  I can remember Dad filling up at the Shell Station on the corner of Bowers and El Camino in Santa Clara.  He'd fill the tank and then get a free steak knife, or a free smokey grey highball glass with the Raiders or 49ers logo on them.  And I'm quite certain Mom still has a complete set for each team sitting on the shelf under the bar!!  

Then there was the gas crisis/shortage in the early 80s, and we'd wait in lines at gas stations to fill our tanks -- even and odd days, depending on the digits of your license plate, was the day you could get in line for a fill up!   And today, the current gas price as I cruised past the station is $4.69/gallon. 

Sometimes I wonder what the kids who are just entering adulthood will think about in 50 more years! What changes will they see??  

And who can forget the entire pandemic that didn't just affect us here in the US, but all over the world??  It's still affecting people, and things, and the way we live our lives.  The pandemic brought panic purchases and hoarding -- we were waiting in lines to be able to purchase just one pack of toilet paper and one pack of paper towels!  In all my years, I think the pandemic was the most stressful thing we've endured thus far.  When the reality of people getting sick and dying struck here in the US, and businesses were forced to find a way to keep going while getting workers to work remotely from home, the first few weeks were really unnerving.  People didn't go to out, the roads were incredibly empty.  I live in a suburban neighborhood, lots of homes for miles.  And yet as I'm staring out my front window, here comes a coyote walking down the center of the street.  Man! How I wished my camera had been in my hand!  

And yet, even with all the changes that have happened, people still fall in love, get married, have families, raise kids .... in short, they live life.   Life keeps going, we keep changing with all the things that have changed us.  Some good, some not so good.  But that's how life goes.  Good things happens.  Bad things happen.  But it's how we handle both the good and the bad that makes us into the wonderful, beautiful people we've all become!! 

Life is Good!

Happy Birthday to me!

Three. Long. Years.

 Dear Brian.

It's been three years today since you left my life, left this Earth.  Grief is something you never get over, it's just something you learn to live with.  Some days are better than others, but not a single day goes by that I don't think of you, to remember some adventure we had, the laughs we shared.  Sure, we had our tough times, but that happens between all parents and their kids. 

Every day can be a challenge for me.  Sure, I still do the "regular" stuff:  work, chores, errands.  But it's the other things that are harder for me now.  Doing things alone isn't as fun any more.  I miss having you along on my strange adventures and odd ideas.  I remember the many different times we hiked up on Superstition Mountain.  I remember the many times we drove to Cali to see the grandparents.  

Jake has finally decided to move to AZ and he bought a house in Chandler!  It'll be another 10 days before he can finally get into his house.  He's excited to get started on life here.  I hope he ends up liking it!   You know as well as I do that starting over somewhere isn't always the easiest thing, but he's much better at the people skills than you and I are.  

I've painted a few rocks in your memory, I still post photos and such on your memorial page and on your facebook page.  Whether one person or ten sees it, it doesn't matter to me.   Posting things is the way to help me remember you, to keep your memory alive.  

I love you, I miss you every day.  I can wish it over and over that things had been different, but that doesn't change any thing.  You'll never be forgotten.

Love,

Mom

Monsoon Season

 Arizona monsoon season has begun!  I've always loved a good thunderstorm, mom says I was born during a summer thunderstorm in Minnesota - maybe that's where it comes from. 

Monsoons blow into the valley really quick.  They aren't usually long lived.  They start with wind that keeps building, from a breeze to winds measured in miles per hour.  They usually blow into the valley in the afternoon and evening times.  But it's weather, you never really know for sure where and when !!  

Friday into Saturday, the thunder was so loud over my house it shook the walls and woke me up.  I thought I was back in Cali and we were having an earthquake!  Saturday night's storm was mostly wind -- very strong winds  And tonight, 6:30pm, we have winds and thunder and I'm crossing my fingers for more than just sprinkles on my car!

ASU says "a 'Monsoon' is linked more to a wind shift rather than precipitation. In fact, the name "monsoon" is derived from the Arabic word "mausim" which means "season" or "wind-shift".  This wind shift is the result of two meteorological changes:

• The movement northward from winter to summer of the huge upper air subtropical high pressure cells, specifically the so-called Bermuda High (H).
• In addition, the intense heating of the desert creates rising air and surface low pressure (called a thermal low) in the Mohave (L).

These two features combine to create strong southerly flow over Arizona. The southerly winds push moisture north-ward from Mexico. The exact source region for the moisture of the Arizona monsoon is unknown. Researchers have proposed the Gulf of Mexico and/or the Gulf of California as the source regions but conclusive evidence has so far been elusive.

While all that is a little technical, after 12 years in the Valley of the Sun, I have come to appreciate our monsoon season!  Yes, I might complain about the heat, or the humidity, and sometimes the temp, but I still like a good thunderstorm.  Always will!  

The Latest

 Sometimes days and weeks go by and I feel as if I'm so busy that I don't have time for anything else.  My days off are spent doing household chores and resting.  There's so much that keeps my mind going that I don't feel like there's any space left for anything else at the end of every day.  

Life is changing within my family.  My nephew and his family have bought a home in Arizona, and are leaving Cali at the end of the month.  This is my mom's one grandson who is the favorite.  It keeps me wondering if Mom will change her mind and move to AZ.  I'm guessing not at this point, but I also wonder if this will begin a decline for her.  Only time will tell. 

I spent my day getting the spare bed and bath cleaned up and ready for company in case they need a place to stay while they begin to get their house ready to live in.  I don't know the status of what they will move in to, what shape their house will be in when they arrive.  But I'm ready. 

Two weeks ago I visited my daughter at her new home, it was fun to see her! And gift her with things that I'd been "collecting" for her and my granddaughter.   I'l be back there again after the heat of summer. 

Training my new "boys" is slow.  I want them to absorb everything I throw at them but it isn't easy for folks who are new because we have our own slang in retail and it can be confusing!  They'll get there but it will take time.  I worry about all this training time being invested and not paying off because they want to leave for some other position.  I'm sad about this being one of the lower paid positions and yet one of the hardest to learn!  

I've been painting rocks during my down time when the mood strikes, and taking photos here and there when the mood strikes.  I'm trying to get back to more of the photography because I enjoy it ... just not in the summer heat! 

We had our first large monsoon last night, thunder so close and so loud that it shook my house and my bed.  Wish there had been more rain, but it's still early in the season.  Here is a sunset from last week, it was raining on my patio as I took the photo, Arizona sunsets are beautiful!

Bright Blessings!

Training A Refugee

 At my BigBox store, we have several new employees - and four of them are refugees from Afghanistan.  One of them is under my direct supervision, and I'm trying to train him.  But it amazes me how much has to be explained, how much of a difference there is in language and culture.  

It's amazing how much we assume because we have lived in America for most if not all of our lives.  Take for instance a bottle of Gatorade.  Here we can purchase it as a single unit, or a multipack.  How do you explain which is which to someone who doesn't know??  It takes time to explain that you can read the description - which often says "8pk" or you can do the math and think it all through.  One bottle might be 90cents to 1.50.  Then the 8pk is closer to $5.  But you have to be able to think that process through and know our monetary values as well!!     

Another example is explaining the difference between products we sell in the store vs the items we buy that enables us to do our jobs, like wheel weights for the Auto Center.  We don't sell them individually to customers, but we need them to balance a tire they may have purchased. 

Having to learn all the intricacies of a BigBox store in America while at the same time trying to understand the language, learn a new job and then learn all the slang that those of us in retail use as well must be difficult for these folks.  At the same time, it's no picnic for the rest of us trying to teach something that we grew up knowing (like those Gatorade bottles) !  

I guess the important thing this is teaching me is patience.  I dislike having to explain things that seem obvious to me, but that's my current status:   teach and train.   Every day I remind myself that this will be a good thing in the Big Picture.  Until then ..... .Lawd, give me patience!!!

Intuition

 How many times have you had a thought that prompted you to do something, but your logic tells you that maybe you shouldn't, so you don't??  We've all had those moments.   But maybe we need to learn to trust our intuition a little better ...... 

When I was in the throes of trying to find my first house to buy, a thought popped into my head as I was sleeping -- or maybe it was dreaming?  but it was the word Impala.  Now, because I also needed a a newer car, I thought The Universe was trying to tell me what kind of car to buy.  But the third house I looked at to purchase was on a street named Impala!  I bought the house, *and* I bought the Impala! It was one of those times where I listened to my gut instinct.  And it paid off. 

We are always being guided to our highest good and happiness, especially if we ask "What's next?"  What we desire is based on our yearnings, cravings, hunches, impulses and even whims.  Say you have this urge to clean the hall closet.  When you do, you find a bracelet you'd lost months before.  

How do you become more comfortable listing to, trusting, and acting upon your sense of knowing?  With practice, patience, perseverance, and gratitude.  By taking small steps, little risks, tiny chances. So listen for the little nudges, and take some little steps.  trust your gut.  It will happen for you! 

 

Romancing the Ordinary

 "Linger in the twilight of a summer's day .... "   That's a line from the book "Romancing the Ordinary" by Sarah Ban Breathnach and one of my fav reads.  I like to dive in and pick a chapter, it helps me focus on the quieter side of life, to remember that we need to take time away from the stuff that keeps us so busy and realize that the things we often overlook are the simple things that bring us the greatest joys.  

I find with my photography that this very thing comes to mind.  Every now and then, my focus turns to still lifes.  Just a simple photo can change your entire perspective.

This is a photo of a pitcher, Vernon Kilns pattern "Linda".   Simple curves of the handle and the pot against a plain background.  Still life photos serve to remind us that life sometimes moves too fast, that we can take the time to sit still.  Quiet moments of contemplation are a salve for the soul.  It reminds us that there is beauty to behold in the simple things, the ordinary items that surround us on a daily basis.  

The next time you're feeling frazzled, take ten minutes and take a look around, focus on something you haven't paid attention to in a while.  The gift of the everyday ordinary is magical.

Not So Ordinary

If you're anything like me, you end up reviewing the day when it's time to wind down and get some sleep.  But the thing I've really come to notice is how we consider our life "ordinary", and yet our days are filled with doing things for others, whether it's the children, husband, boss or household chores.  Dashing from one thing to the next, we can often become unfocused. 

But how can we change what we consider to be our normal day's routine and be more present in the moments of the day??

I've found that it helps to stop trying to control everything.  If you're washing dishes at the sink, or cooking supper at the stove, and your child comes in ... stop what you're doing and give them your attention.  It's the little moments that create a not-so-ordinary life!  

There is great wonder when looking at life through the eyes of a child.  Spending that extra minute to listen to your spouse can help deepen the intimacy between the two of you.  Just taking a few moments for yourself can reduce your stress levels, and create a life filled with precious moments.

I find that I can focus on something beautiful, something that catches my eye, when I'm doing my photography hobby on a daily basis.  Sometimes it's just noticing a branch of a tree, or the sunrise bouncing light off the morning sky.   If you want a not so ordinary life, it's learning to find those little moments that bring us joy.  

Walking Path at Riparian Preserve, Gilbert, AZ

Take Care of Your Teeth!

 After my annual dental checkup, my x-ray showed an old root canal with cap that seems to be leaking, so I had to go for a consult and ended up having to have that root canal re-done.  Things have changed in the past 10+ years since I had my last root canal, and I was a little bit apprehensive about the whole deal.  Of course, I'm nervous before every visit to the dentist, but that's pretty normal.

Today, I almost fell out of the chair when the dentist came in and introduced himself.  I began chuckling out loud because he looked like he was just barely 21 or so !!!   I swear, the older I get, the younger the doctors seem to me!! 

But back to the apprehension.  The doc started to install some kind of rubber dental dam around my tooth, but the thing covered my mouth and nose as well.  I shook my head and pushed it away.  He was gentle in explaining that it had to be done and asked if I was claustrophobic and I nodded.  He said he would put it on, and then make cuts in the rubber so that I could feel as if I could breathe.  I decided to trust him, and it was OK, I could endure.  

The whole procedure took an hour, but I survived through the ordeal with most of my dignity intact.  It isn't my fav thing to do, but since my option was limited, and I didn't relish the idea of losing a tooth down the road ..... I suffered through and came out the other side with my tooth intact.

Take care of your teeth! 

 

New Job Coming!

 It looks like I'm going to begin a new phase of my career and become part of the Asset Protection team.  I've known that my current position was going to be eliminated for over a year now, but it's still a shock when it finally happens.   There have been lots of reassurances that I can "handle this", and that there won't be many changes to my current routine.  But that's what they told me 10 years ago when they urged me to take my current position.  But I .... evolved .... and handled the position.  I'm looking forward to a little bit of change, but at my age, I'm wondering if I can handle it if there is more stress than my current position.  Time will tell.  

In the meantime, I'm currently recovering from a bout with a stomach virus.  It's been ages since I've been actually down with something; ended up calling in sick even!  Such a rare thing for me!!  The recovery has been slower than my expectations, but I should be back to norm in another day or two! 

I'm still working on my painted rocks, but I'm soon out of rocks.  I'll have to dash over to Home Depot to pick up another bag!!  But I enjoy it, and it helps with the creativity.  I'm also excited about the 1950 Census being released to the public and I can't wait to dive in and check out some of my ancestors :)

Time Changes Us

I've been writing here on this blog for a very long time.  And it's been good to me, and good for me!  Having an outlet with no judgments can be a blessing. 

And reading back over some of the older ones, it seems I was in a better frame of mind, a better writer, a few years back.  

I've discovered that having a child die is one of the biggest life changing events a person can ever have.  I notice that I'm not as outgoing, not as ... personable ... as I used to be.  I guess I can feel inside myself that I've closed myself off, not letting people in.  I'm sure its a defense mechanism against letting anyone else in.  I don't want to have to explain my feelings that I have because of my son's death.  When you're related to someone who chooses suicide, things change a lot... emphasis on a lot.  They leave behind so many questions, and *no* answers.    I miss my son every. single. day.  And there's nothing I can do about it. 

My dream was to have this house long enough, to have it paid off, and leave it to my son.  I would probably ... well, who knows what the future would have been if it hadn't happened.  

But I can't change what happened, and it's difficult to change my feelings about all of it. 

So I just keep moving the best I can.  And smile whenever possible! 

Inventory and Memories

 In our crazy retail Big Box Store we have inventory once a year.  It's a huge process when it comes to preparation. And no matter how prepared you think you are, you're never really prepared.  We had high hopes for a good outcome... our hopes were dashed.  But that's how it is in retail.  But it means that we're going to be under close scrutiny from the higher-ups in the coming year. 

As for the preparation, I worked 7 days in a row, mostly 9 -10 hour days each.  When it was all over, as of yesterday, today it's a do-nothing, rest all day kind of day.  But I can't seem to sit still.  The bad part about it is that I can't seem focus on just one thing and complete the task.  I did manage to load and start the dishwasher, and to wash the bedding and remake the bed.  

We had rain move through the Valley, and I slipped out during all our preps to snap a quick pic. There's nothing like the smell of a fresh wet desert!

Then yesterday, as I walked out to get the mai, this little truck was parked outside of Wendy's.  It reminded me of the days back in the 80s when I worked in the service dept of a local forklift dealership.  After hours, we would work on a truck just like this one.  It was a blast!  Sometimes little things bring back the best memories! 

It was also my sister's heavenly birthday.  I painted a rock to bring with me on my next visit home to leave on her headstone.  

Lots of little things going on, and yet now that inventory is over, work will be more pleasant now.  I hope. 

Retail Managers: Wake UP!!

If you're in a management position in a retail setting, you need to know, need to remember, that *YOUR ACTIONS* are teaching the new employees what's right and what's wrong.  Which creates employees with less and less motivation and skills to do a good job.  And *THAT* makes a difference to your bottom line.  So wake up and smell the dollars!!

When I left on Tuesday, the aisle that I'm responsible for was perfect.  I noticed that a new employee was creating a new section across from my aisle.  The next morning, I find that two shelves were stolen from my side and were used to create the new section on the opposite side. What should have happened is that the manager should have showed the new employee how and where to get whatever shelves or supplies are needed.  I happen to know that new employee was taking direction from  a manager, and frankly, I'm livid about how this was handled.  I wasn't ever impressed with this particular manager as he prefers to delegate rather than jump in a show someone new how things should be done.  Now I'm even more unimpressed with him.

RESPECT is a two way street.  If this particular manager ever needs something from me, the answer will be NO.  I've reached a dead end on this street with him.  

Tomorrow, on the white board where I write a daily inspiration,  that's going to be my quote:

RESPECT IS A TWO WAY STREET

However, I doubt he will get the message. 

Until he needs something.

*rant over*

Little Accomplishments = A Great Big Life

 I just watched the episode of ER when Dr Mark Greene dies; when Dr John Carter sits with an old man who's dying.  I was sad.  That's not exactly correct.  Watching the show made me sad. And maybe that's not all of it.  Watching this particular episode sometimes brings up thoughts about dying, the dying process, and those in my family who have already died.  

And then I watched an episode of 7th Heaven where Chandler Hampton needs to make peace with is father who is dying of lung cancer.  Father and son have never seen eye to eye, but despite their personal feelings about each other, they somewhat make their peace with each other.

All these shows bring up a wide mix of feelings inside me.  At my age, you begin to think about your own mortality.  Like the man Dr Carter was sitting with, who says "I could have done more.  I should have done more."  

But what would that more be? 

What can each of us do in our lives that would give us contentment when we're near the end?  Is it something that you've done? or something more you can do ?  When we're young, we have plans, we accomplish some of them, but never all of them.  Plans change every day and with every change in our lives, our plans change.  

But I think these feelings would be easier to deal with in the long run if we started looking more at the short term.  Make small goals each week or each month, to do something positive.  Doing these things are the important part, but its also important to remember those things we did, and how they made us feel.  That's the part that will help us deal with those questions at the end, remembering our little accomplishments, each one of them.   

Lots of people start a gratitude jar.  It's good to recognize that we're grateful for a house, or a job.  But why not take it a step further?  Why not write down the little accomplishments in a journal.  Just think what it could do for you if someone in your family could read them to you when you're nearing the end?  Or even better, how much more would your family members know about you after reading them - - even if they discovered the book after you're gone?  

Little accomplishments turn into a great big life!  So go out and live it!

The Elvis Sandwich

I'm not one for watching foodie TV, and if I happen to be watching something, I *never ever* try making any of the recipes!  But on my last trip to visit mom in January, we happened to catch something (maybe on Rachel Ray??)  where they showed how to make an Elvis Sandwich.  For some reason, this appealed to me!!!  

So mom and I started digging around, and came up with the ingredients without having to make a trip to the store:  banana bread, peanut butter, fresh banana and bacon !!   We decided instead of breakfast, we'd make them for brunch  ......

We sliced the homemade banana bread, and fried up the bacon.  Then we began assembly, slathering on some peanut butter, adding fresh banana slices, laying on the bacon.  Each sandwich was then seared in a buttered pan to help keep the banana bread a little on the crispy side.  

Mmmmm MMMmmmm MMMM!!  

They were delish! 

I'd make these again in a heartbeat.

Today, mom and I were laughing about making these creations when I was there.  It's not something we'd ever do again, but it made for a nice laugh! 

Treadmill and Painted Rock

 I have been trying to commit to working out on my treadmill every day.  I've been successful three days in a row, so I'm happy about that.  However.  On the first day, I pushed really hard.  The next day, boy was I sore!  But that didn't keep me from day 2 or day 3.  Now it's day 4 and I've had two difficult work days in a row.  I'm tired. So I'm going to take a break today.  I've got my 10k steps in for today, and 113 active minutes.  So it's rest time for me :)

But on the other hand, I'm going to sit down and paint a few more kindness rocks.  Yesterday, a mother and her son found some of my painted rocks in the park and this is what she said:  "My son loved the hippo one!  I had to bring home the one that says 'Where flowers bloom so does hope" to my nine year old daughter who fought brain cancer in 2020 and got a clear scan the other day."

This is the exact reason I paint rocks :) :) 

(the flower rock on the left, and hippo center)

Finding My Way

Some days I just go through the motions:  work, eat, sleep, with a couple of errands in between the mundane.  But I have moments where I know that's not enough "life" for me, or for anyone.  I try my hand at a few hobbies to give me purpose, and joy.  I paint rocks as part of the Kindness Rocks movement to leave around town and that lets me be creative and also brings smiles to other people.  That's a good thing.    I take my walks around town in the local parks, sometimes taking photos and that feeds my creativity and walking is good exercise.  Another good thing.  

And yet I still feel something missing. 

Sometimes I find myself getting into a writing mode where I can sit down and write here on the blog, or maybe just working on a creative writing story.  Sometimes I try to challenge myself:  write every day, walk every day, paint every day.  Because doing things keeps me going. 

I enjoy my job but get bogged down in the day to day crap that seems to go around; it's an effort to take myself out of all of that.  But when I do that, I'm also perceived as being "The Bitch" .....  but I can't be a fake me with all the smiling and asking how someone is every day.  Because I'm that person at work who if I say "How are you?"  most of them proceed to tell me exactly how they are, and I really don't want to know because I have issues of my own to deal with.  *sigh*   sometimes you just can't win.

So I go through my days and time passes as I muddle through my hobbies and my household chores or my work day.  Sometimes I convince myself that I have many things left in me that need to be said before I'm no longer here on Earth.  Other times I figure no one really needs to hear my silly ramblings.  

Time to take myself off to bed - another fun filled work day tomorrow, then I'm off for two days! WooHoo.

Ooops! I Slipped!

We all slip.  It can be disappointing, but it's not the end of the world.  That's what I'm telling myself today.    Because I slipped.

My self challenge of having a better mental attitude at work went down the drain today.  Another of my team called out sick.  Because I didn't complete all of Monday's tasks, I was starting the day behind the 8-ball, and another call out just added to it.  I could barely hold my thoughts behind the tongue I was biting all day long. 

Even the customers were getting on my nerves today!  I was trying to straighten up the clearance aisle (because that's my task 3xday) and a very inconsiderate customer parked her cart in the middle of the aisle halfway down.  So I did what I could up to where she was but she didn't look like she was going to budge.  So I finally grabbed my equipment and headed back to grab more items for clearance.  When I got back to my clearance aisle, she was gone and I let out a huge sigh of relief.  But that relief only lasted about minutes before she came back.  With her adult daughter pushing a second cart.  They both parked again and just stood there.  Again, I worked as far as I could, then grabbed my equipment and headed to the back again.  I was so frustrated by this point that I grabbed my Kindle and headed out the door, walked across the parking lot, and headed to Wendy's for lunch!  

I decided to leave the clearance aisle until I get back to it on Thursday!!!  

Some days, I just can't seem to keep my mind on the part of mental attitude where I don't get upset over specifics!  Yes.  Some days are harder than others, and we all slip now and then.   And because I slipped, I'm not going to feel guilty, I'm just going to try to make the next day a better day! 

Because I Matter

Second day on my self imposed new attitude when it comes to work.  My phone rang at 5am and I was told that one of my workers called off.  We are a team of 4 people, so 32 hours a day of work that keeps all of us very busy.  Monday is the one day when there are only 2 covering the four shifts.  Having one call off means I was left to do it all on my own.  

I covered the first five hours covering the shift of the one who called off.  Then I had to do my own tasks which take most of Monday.  I usually just work really hard, stressed out the entire time, to get it all done in just 4 hours.  Today, I just did what I could, and didn't stress about any of it!!   Because I matter.

I was just about getting the majority of it completed when a manager wanted some help with some training issues.  Usually I just say that I'm too busy ... yaa daa yaa daa ... but today, I stopped my own tasks and helped.  And when it was time to clock out, even though my own tasks were *not* done, I left.   Because I matter.

It leaves me feeling as if I didn't accomplish anything.  I did accomplish some things, but I didn't accomplish everything.  There's a difference when you're an OCD perfectionist.  But I'm going to learn to live with the feeling, hoping that I can catch things up tomorrow.  But one of the major decisions that I made today was I'm going to work my schedule and if that means there's OT at the end of the week, then so be it.  The company should be paying me when they can't hire workers who are willing to come to work when they're scheduled.  If I have to cover a shift, then they pay the OT or they find a worker willing to work what's been scheduled. 

Making these decisions are a real problem for me.  I've always been a team player.  But when the group isn't much of a team any longer, then what does it matter???  Ah well, we shall see how tomorrow goes, or doesn't!    Because I matter, too!

Biting My Tongue

All day, it's been a challenge for me to keep biting my tongue.  How easy is it to get sucked into the work vortex of negativity???   When a coworker voices a complaint, our first instinct is to jump in with our own agreement of whatever's wrong.   But that goes against what I'm trying to accomplish -- less stress at work!  So it was a morning of biting my tongue!

My coworker likes to voice things out loud -- and many of them are negative.  Today a vacuum was returned already assembled.  Of course, it won't fit in the box, but we do our best, take out the packing materials and stuff it back in as best we can.  But her first words out loud were "How am I going to get this f**& thing back in the box?"   That prompted me toward two things.  My first instinct was to jump in and help - to show her how it's done.  My other instinct was to voice how much I hate customers who do that!   Neither of them are a good responses.  Another case of biting my tongue! 

But on my overall goal of having a less stressful day at work, I think I achieved a level 3 on a scale of 1-5.  It was average, it was ok, but when I left, I didn't feel as if I was stressed.  And that's the goal.   I Googled and found a list of simple things to reduce stress at work: 

• Avoid Morning Stress.
• Understand Expectations.
• Avoid Conflict.
• Stay Organized.
• Be Comfortable.
• Forget Multitasking.
• Walk at Lunch.
• Control Perfectionism.

From this list, the ones I struggle with are multitasking and perfectionism.  And I know that the way I work the best to have a productive day, I play a "mind game" with myself.  If I pick it up, if I touch it, I have to deal with it.   So that piece of paper that needs to be filed, gets filed.  That piece of trash on the floor?  Nope, don't ignore it, pick it up and throw it away.  If I open a work screen on the computer, don't stop in the middle ... follow it through and finish it up.  I think the biggest waste of time is to pick something up, say to yourself, I'll do it later, and then put it back down.  Because you'll have to pick it up and deal with it at some point!!  NOW is the best time to do it.

I guess my point is now that I've made a goal, I'm going to work hard and try to make it a part of my daily habit.  Every day.  

A Rough Day

What do you do when your day off turns into a rough day off ?  I had good intentions for today, getting my housework caught up from the long working sessions, cooking for the week all prepared, and getting my car washed.  I got it all done except the car wash thing.  But it wasn't without the rough stuff.  For some reason, I didn't sleep well, and being tired affects me in two ways.  I'm cold when I'm tired, and I'm overly emotional when I'm tired.  That means whenever I sat down, I was snuggled under a blanket.  And watching old ER episodes brought me to tears over and over again. 

I found an old photo from 1972 of a friend who was a neighbor back then, so I snapped a digital and sent it to him.  His wife thought he looked like a gangster!  He was wearing jeans, jean jacket and sunglasses.  It made me smile, remember all the times we shared running our block.

I also found an old photo from 2006 of my kids.  This brought me another smile. 

There's still a huge piece of me who misses my son every single day.  It's been over two years, but this is a hurt that will never go away.  It's something I will live with until the day I die.  

I also woke up with the attitude that I'm going to stop stressing over my job and getting things done every day.  In the huge scope of things, it doesn't really matter.  But I matter. My health matters. I need to take care of me.  If I dropped dead, they would replace me immediately without much of a second thought.  So it's time for me to take care of me.  I have that as a daily reminder on my phone.  We'll see if that makes a difference!  hehehe

Ramblings

After a long 15 days straight at work, I had trouble sleeping last night and had intense crazy dreams.  They were clear in my mind at 4am, but I can only recall snippets once I was wide awake.  It was a rough stretch at work and ....  I can feel a change is needed.  I busted my butt doing 80 hours of work in just a little over 40.  I didn't feel very appreciated after all that and that's a good sign that I need to change things up.  Mostly with my attitude.

What is it about me and the way I'm made up that makes me feel like I have to do *so* much ....  I know the basics of it relates to "work before pleasure"  meme when I was growing up.  Not that it was a bad thing, because i'm always getting my work done.  but it doesn't work in retail very well because in retail the job is never done, never finished, never complete.  Every day there are customers buying things and shelves that need restocking.  

So how do I find perspective in an eight hour shift that both fulfills my need to be productive, to "get the job done" and yet also lessens the stress I feel, or is it self impose, because it doesn't all get done in a day, in a shift.  I tell myself over and over that it's ok to just do my best and leave when I'm done.  But sometimes that isn't good enough.  Or so it seems.  

So this week I will be working on a change in attitude so there isn't a need to change my latitude.  But it isn't easy for me to do that.  And it seems especially worse now because of new leadership.  I have a very hard time relating with managers who feel the need to keep information to themselves.  We have a manager who prefers to speak Spanish and does so often in front of other employees who may not speak Spanish.  It's an odd sensation to feel as if someone is talking about you right in front of you but you have no idea what they're saying.  I'm also very uncomfortable with the way this manager has put up window blinds in an office.  What is going on in there that's so secret???  And here's my really personal pet peeve --- Women who have been given power don't seem to handle it very well.  Their decisions are often made in haste, or their thoughts on running things are made with mood swings or mood changes, leaving employees not knowing which way the wind will blow with each shift.  

As you can see, I'm incredibly unhappy with my current position and current management.  So along with changing thoughts about my own work habits, I'll be working on my own work attitudes as well.  I'll continue to do my best, but I think an all out 125% each day is asking too much from this old gal.  Letting go of the little irritations will be the first thing I'll be doing.  Making sure I'm taking my full breaks and lunches will be another thing.  Even if that means taking myself shopping elsewhere to burn up that hour each day.  ugh.  but staying in store means people free to ask questions even if I'm not on the clock, and that's not fair to me.

Yes, I'm just kind of rambling here because I need to.  I need to make sense of this, to make a plan in my mind so that I can keep working with a better outlook.   Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings.  Hopefully tomorrow I'll make more sense.  *grin*

Today's Walk

I got off my couch and decided to take a walk at Riparian Preserve

It was a beautiful day!  I also dropped a few kindness rocks I painted! 

Accountability

 Haven't written here, and I miss it.  For me, writing here is what helps hold me accountable.  And I was thinking about accountability lately.  We all need that something or someone to hold us accountable for things we can't seem to control.  Like alcoholics have AA and a sponsor, someone they can talk with when things aren't going well, or when they feel like they're going to slip back into some bad behavior.   

We all need a little help now and then to get through the difficult times.  Years ago, I smoked, but I was able to quit.  It's a funny thing for me, being able to give something up.  Maybe it was because I didn't really enjoy it, more of a social thing.  And drinking was never a problem for me either.  In my twenties, I drank often. But then in the 90s, I went for eight years without touching a drop.  It's an off and on thing for me.

My struggle -- ok, I have more than one struggle -- but the one that's the hardest for me is exercise and eating right.  Or maybe it's about finding the right combination of the two.  But losing weight has always been my struggle.  I have always been overweight, and at this stage in life, I'll always be overweight. But every pound lost is that less pressure on my body, and maybe that's the bigger point.

I've tried using this as a method to holding myself accountable.  I've hired trainers, done a few different weight loss groups like WW, and tried some of the apps that you have to enter data in and that's supposed to help you with accountability.   While they're sometimes successful, it's not a lasting success and I find myself starting all over again.  

I've used this as my accountability for my self challenge of walking in a park every day for 30 days.  That was my most successful challenge  I thought I could do it here with the treadmill, but a trip to see my mom interfered; and now there's work issues as well that keeps me from keeping my commitment.  I did manage 10 minutes before work and 13 minutes after work.  I guess that counts, but it wasn't my full intention.  I have lofty goals in my mind, but can't seem to get it in reality.

This week, I committed to Baked Oatmeal; I got a recipe and made myself six XL muffins.  So far, I've had one every day.  I also committed to eating avocado every day with my evening meal.  So far, so good.   Maybe this *new thing* will be what works.   I'm crossing my fingers!! 

Keeping It Going

I hopped on my treadmill again today and did my 15 minutes.  My calorie burn was a little bit higher, but I'm not sure my distance was more than last time.  I keep wishing my treadmill would show distance in two digits, not just one.  But we can't have everything we wish for! 

Keeping our bodies healthy isn't an easy task, and if you're one of the younger ones reading this, please know right now that it gets MUCH harder to keep fit when you're older.  So if you're thinking of making changes for better health, then don't wait.  Just my two cents! 

 

Self Challenge is Hard

Today, even though I didn't want to do it, I jumped on my treadmill and did my 15 minutes.  I increased my speed, so achieved 0.6 miles ... and my fitness score per my treadmill is 46.  Every little bit better is just that much better for me.  I struggled with the heart rate, my treadmill isn't always accurate, but my fitbit was acting up and not displaying the correct heart rate.  I cleaned the contacts, maybe that will help.  

 

Palm Frond Mess!

 My new challenge isn't going as well as I was hoping or planning on.  So I'm thinking I'm going to switch back to walks in the park and taking photos.  At least that's something that gives me a reason to get up and out of the house. 

I just couldn't get myself motivated today, and spent much of the day in my jammies.  I forced myself to dress and take care of the many palm fronds that fell down in the last storm.  You can see by the pic that they covered my yard - 34 fronds in all, 3 of them stuck in the tree.  I stuffed 16 of them into my garbage can, and the rest are on the side of the yard ready for the next week.

New Month, New Challenge

Because it's the first of a new year, and most people make resolutions, I've decided that I'll keep going with my personal challenge once  a month.  Since I know that I need to work on a few things, I tried to incorporate that into my challenge.  I'm challenging myself to do at least 15 minutes on the treadmill on the Fat Burn setting, which utilizes some incline.  

My goal will have several points to it.  First, I'm trying to reduce my cholesterol, which won't be tested until May.  My doc has given me that long to control it with diet and exercise.  This challenge will help.  Second, I'm trying to reduce my Resting Heart Rate via my FitBit.  I used to be in the low 60s, but it's increased over time, and was 71 twice last week.  Not so good.  Again, to doc wants me to keep my blood pressure in check, so this challenge will help with that too.   And thirdly, I'll count it as an added bonus if I lose a couple of pounds as well. 

In order to reach these goals, I know that I'll have to also make incremental changes on the treadmill settings by increasing speed, or a longer duration. 

I'm not sure I can complete this challenge with the goals I'm setting for myself, but I'm going to give it my best shot! 

Happy 2022!!

Two things usually cross our minds on New Year's Eve/Day :  What did we learn this year?  and what do we hope for in the new year?  I was thinking about these two things today.  What did I learn?  That I'm not as young as I used to be.  When I fell back in Feb, while it was my arm that was the immediate pain, other pains surfaced later, which tells me that my body doesn't recup itself like it used to when I was younger! Then when I was at Mom's during her breakdown in Oct, I realized that caring for an aging parent isn't very easy to do.  They were the adult, you were the child, and "you're never too old to do what your mother tells you."  But there's a tipping point and you have to be the adult because they're behaving like a child!   Which gave me insight into the next few years as well, and I'm not sure I'm looking forward to it.   And will apologize to my daughter now for what's to come in my future!!!  :/

I learned or maybe came to the conclusion that I'm ready to retire, mentally.  But monetarily I just gotta keep doing what I'm doing.  I learned that I have less patience with people in general, and even less patience with people who don't seem to have any common sense .. or is it brains?   I learned that while I'm doing a job that doesn't thrill me any longer, I can keep at it by having mental short term goals, taking it one day at a time.   I learned that I can still challenge myself to do something and stick with it.... when it's something that interests me.  lol  And I learned that what's important isn't *things*, it's people.

What do I hope to achieve in the upcoming year?  To do things that please me; to take care of my health and home; and maybe even to think up a few new self challenges.  Oh, and to take more pix and paint more rocks.  lol 

When it comes to taking care of our health, we naturally care more when given a bad or scary prognosis from our doctor.  What if we stepped up and starting doing things that are good for us now instead of waiting until there's a problem??  That's one thing I'm going to focus on, taking time to do the things that are good for me and my health.  We all need time to relax, and we all need to take the time to do something that's good for our body by exercising.  The question I'll be asking myself is this:  Is it more important to have a floor that's vacuumed or to take that 15 minutes and take a walk instead??  At my age when you're still working full time hours, there are only so many hours in a day.  Why should chores be more important than our health?  

So, here's to 2022! May it bring health and happiness to each of you! 

I'm sure once I figure out what my next challenge will be, I'll let you know! 

Bright blessings!