Grrrr: wellness check??

Grrrrrr.  That's the word for today.  After having a good night's sleep, mom woke up feeling pretty good.  Which means she was extremely talkative. And said I could go home!  I said ok, grabbed my stuff and told her I would call at 3.

2:45 and she doesn't answer her phone. 

2:55 and she doesn't answer her phone.

3:05 and she doesnt answer her phone.

3:15 and she doesnt answer her phone. 

3:25 and she finally answers! 

Nothing like having my own panic attack thinking I have to drive over there for a wellness check! 

Glad she answered.

Extremely Frustrated & Tired

Day 5.  At Moms.  And when I'm tired, I want to be left alone. Or maybe I just want to deal with my own.  But today, yep, she wanted to "talk it out".  Uh oh.  I tried to hold in my temper, and just listen.  Agree.  But I have very little empathy for her.  She's lonely. I get that. But I can't be her only outlet.  We do everything together, I cant play at being BFF at the same time.  

Yes, she has some pain, and I have empathy for that. Back pain is no fun! But that's not her only problem.  She has terrible anxiety and leaves it at "that's just the way I am".   I tried explaining to her calmly that there's nothing I can do for her anxiety.  She has to focus her breathing, listen to music that calms her, stop the worries (in my opinion) but she says its nothing she can change.  

And then it all changed. She cried for over an hour. I tried to talk her into the ER.  She said no but then only cried harder.  Fuck. This. Shit.  Get dressed, we're going. That was 6pm.

I knew they'd "check her over" and give her morphine.  Doesn't fix the problem, just temporarily relieves the pain.  After 100mg of Tramadol plus her morphine shot, she still fights the sleep. Hell, when I got morphine, I relished the relief and slept to let my body heal. 

They kept her overnight. She wanted to go home, but they took my word over hers.  Keep her.  That was 1am.  I dragged my tired ass home and got 4 hours sleep.  I was back at the hospital at 10, we finally got home at 1pm.  They gave her a few prescriptions and she's all worried about it.

We don't communicate well. She wants me to fix things.  I am not a doc or nurse.  And she says "well it would help if you didnt always criticize me."  At that point I was gritting my teeth and rolling my eyes, realizing we weren't going to get anywhere.

First words out of her mouth when we get home "all this ordeal and nothing is fixed."

Now its day 6 and no end in sight. She needs help.        *sigh*

Start with a Good Day!

Staying with Mom always affects me, mostly in a negative way.  There are some who say it's not possible that the negative energy of a house can be absorbed by someone.  But I know I feel it after too much time at her house.

I spent the past 3 days with her.  And to help with the energy that gets to me when I'm there, I get up early and sit in the back porch. I use a phone app to play some uplifting tunes:  Fear is a Liar by Zach Williams.  Be Alright by Evan Craft.  Up + Up by Colton Dixon and the best one: Good Day by Forrest Frank.  

I'm 'bout to have a good day

No matter what they say

Sun is shining down on me

Birds are singing praise

I'm 'bout to have a good day

How can you not have a good day when you start the day with praise??

Whiny Me!

The start of Day 3 at Mom's.  She doesn't want to be alone, she wants me to fix things for her.  Its her body, whatever is wrong is something I can't fix.  I have taken her to every doctor I can think of.  She is in pain, and they keep giving her pills to help.  She has kinked up her back, yet continues to sit in her chair "where it doesnt hurt". Or else she walks the floor all night long and cries.

Every time they prescribe something to help her pain, she gets so much anxiety about taking something, that she cramps up all her muscles and never relaxes.  When she finally succumbs to sleep, its good, but she doesn't stay that way.

In order to give her peace of mind, I stay over when she takes new meds. But it costs me when I do. I don't get rest when I'm here.  My sleep is off because the bed is hard, the pillows are way too fat and uncomfortable for sleeping.  She keeps the air set at 80 - way too hot for me to sleep.  I wake with a headache every day, my stomach churns because there is no peace for me.  

Then there's the sitting around all day because she isnt very mobile.  Yesterday, I went home for 2 hours just to be alone for a while.  I will probably have to do that again today. 

This morning, I was up at 6am and went out and washed my car.  There's a kind of comfort in performing menial tasks. 

I'm quite sure Mom has it in her head that after she's gone, I will move in to her house and carry on.  She dislikes my little house *shrug* but I didn't buy it for her to like. Or live in!  

Its time to think about the next steps. If she continues this way, it won't be long before she's bedridden. 

But time to stop my whining, grab a Diet Coke to relieve this headache, maybe take a walk.  That might help. Wish I had my walking visor and my mp3 player.  

Tuesday

Today. 6am. A text from my nephew, can you check on the dogs, I forgot to check their water.   ✔️ 

10am, text from mom, she has "so much pain" and what can she do??  Um, I'm not a doctor and I can't answer that. She could take an extra bit of Tramadol but she won't without doctor permission. Call her pain management doctor to see if they will call back.  *sigh*  

So now here I sit, all day, uncomfortable. Thankfully, I packed my meals.  And I didn't tell her there's an overnight bag in the car.  Just in case.  Because she's been leaning this way all week.

I get so frustrated because she doesn't seem to be able to .... for lack of a better word, help herself. She doesn't seem to know self soothing techniques.  Even when I am here, once she starts the shallow breathing that comes in an anxiety attack, she can't slow her breathing.  And always says "that's just how I am".  

And it definitely became a spend the night event.  Not that I can help. I'm just here.  She keeps expecting me to do something. But there's nothing I can do. And it makes my guts ache. And I wonder if something is going on with me.  I need to remember to take care of me.

Online Testing

When I was growing up, taking tests was done on paper.  When I was in the midst of my first divorce, his lawyer required that I take a few tests, the Myers-Briggs personality type, and then a long comprehensive test that measured knowledge along with job interests.  The ultimate result of that one came up with being an HVAC tech.  Not something I would consider as a career choice with two kids under 6, about to be a single mom. 

But with computers, you can take all kinds of tests online.  Are you ever tempted?  Are you hooked?  How do they work out for you?  

The last couple of tests I took this past month, by the time I got to the end, and my score was tallied, they wanted $1.95 to email my results.  Nah.

But there are interesting ones out there:  IQ tests, personality tests, dreamer tests.  I'm sure if you can think it up, they are out there.  There's also numerology, bio-rhythms, and compatibility tests are out there, too!  

I tend to gravitate toward the psychic type of test, especially Zener cards and the i-ching.  What's your favorite??

A Satisfied Life

A satisfied life is better than a successful life.  Because success is measured by others, but our satisfaction is measured by our own heart, soul and mind.

I just read that today, and it resonated, it sums up how I've viewed my own life.  I could have done the college route, and I tried many times with night classes.

I've always said about my job that its not about the money.  I didn't go for a "career", it was more important to me to be satisfied than successful.  I have always been happier having to make do on le$$.  

But I don't feel satisfied taking care of mom. She wants me to be something different than who I am.  I can't be her emotional support.  I do what I can, run errands and bounce her ideas back at her. But I'm always at a loss when she cries, when she has anxiety. Those are emotions under her control.  But she tries to put it on me.  

So after a long afternoon of more of the same, I took a walk at the local park. It was 101, but I needed the outdoors! 

Dallas!

Friday night, 9pm, and the opening credits along with the very memorable theme song come from my TV:  Dallas !!!

Ahh the memories!  I recently discovered you can watch the TV show Dallas on Freevee. This show aired from 1978-1991. Probably the most memorable aspect of the show was "Who shot JR?"  

A night time soap opera with cowboys, oil country, and all the family drama included in one hour.  

I'm rewatching for the nostalgia.  Along with the plus of cowboys in well fitted flared jeans!  That's one of the things I don't understand about current fashion trends - jeans so baggy they're belted below their butt - whats the point???

Which reminds me of a slogan that went around late 80s or early 90s:  Wrangler butts drive me nuts! 

Sometimes, I miss the 80s!

Caring Is Hard

What makes this eldercare journey so difficult?  After I left Thursday afternoon, I didn't go to her house Friday because I was waiting on some meds to be filled.  Once I got here today, the list of problems begins:

1. Why did it take so long for them to text me my meds were ready?

2. The yard looks so tough, why doesnt the landscaper spray for weeds?

3. I'm surprised my meds weren't ready until now?

4. I think the chicken you bought me gives me heartburn. 

5. When do I go to physical therapy again? I'm not scheduled for Monday, the 30th?

6. I couldn't find a new filter refrigerator so we probably need to order one.

We went through all of this and I've only been here less than an hour.  And yes, with each question, I answered, sometimes answered again.  But this is how it goes.  I try to be accepting, but when sh*t rolls downhill, guess where I am?   

I was reading on Reddit on the topic of caring for aging parents, and I am not alone!  It doesnt make things easier, but at least I know.  Its disappointing that there isn't actual conversation. But I lived in different states for 20+ years for a reason.

I ordered her filters along with 7 books to read. I'll spray the yard tomorrow morning.  She has meds to last her for the next 30 days.  I even bought Tums for the heartburn. 

I don't mind the aspects of doing things, driving to appointments, etc, but I hate being her emotional support. Its just not who I can be for her. Probably because she is SO needy, and so resistant to my suggestions of self help.

Which always leaves me to wonder what tomorrow will hold????

Happy weekend!

Clarity and Memories

I read this today:  "They say that when people get old, they get clarity about what’s important and what isn’t."

My mom and I are such different people.  At 85, she sold the house she lived in for 60+ years and moved to Arizona.  If what I read is a true statement at a basic level, then what does that say about Mom?  And me? 

Does that mean she didn't get the clarity referred to in that statement? Or is her "stuff" what's important? 

And now I'm wondering if I'm getting the clarity even earlier?  I have been clearing things out, reducing the stuff that's around me.  I know that what has meaning to me is different than what has meaning to mom. When I sit with her watching TV, I gaze at the stuff she has accumulated. I fact, I was chuckling in a conversation with my brother about her stuff:  are we going to fight over the bell given to her by her friend Lois? Nah.  Hehehe

Memories are more important than stuff.  I would rather look at old photos and hear a story about the pic than look at a bell, or statue, or a vase.

I have many, many photos from my grandmother (no one else wanted them!) And find myself wishing that she had been the one to show them to me, to tell me who the people were,  and the stories behind them. 

Maybe some families are better at passing along the family stories than mine has been.  It's probably why I do what I do ... to keep the stories going. 

This was one of my grandmother's photos. Who are these kids? I'm guessing, but probably her two daughters, my father is the boy in the middle, and his cousin is the other boy. But just guesses. 

The car plate shows the year 1943.  But whats the rest of the story? Was this a new family car? Were they on their way to church? Or the neighbors house?  

Yes, that's me, I want the stories.  

And I want to pass them on.

I-10 is Better Now!

Traveling up and down I-10 between Phoenix and Tucson is quite a drive.  

The first time I drove it, I was driving a rented Penske truck whole towing my car. It was our move from Ohio to Arizona.  And it was NOT a very good road.  

Brian and I traveled back and forth many times. And each time, it was slowly being improved. Emphasis on slowly!  There were very few places in between to stop for snacks or a restroom.  Then a few truck stops went up. At the same time, they widened it from 2 to 3 lanes.  Boy did that help!

Fifteen years later, and its not really a bad drive with many more stops along the way.  My fav stop is the Walmart on Cortaro Road. Yes, its always busy, but its a nice place to walk a bit after being in the car for so long.

Spending time with my daughter and family makes up for the long drive. And I've discovered the time goes by fast if I bring along my mp3 player loaded with country tunes from the 60s and 70s. Time just flies as I speed along, singing loudly, and remembering the magic I knew listening to these old sing along songs!

Love at First Sight

Do you believe in love at first sight?  I'd like to believe, but its more like lust at first sight.  When you're meeting a new person, are you instantly attracted to something in partucular?  I tend to notice eyes and hands.

There would probably be all kinds of opinions on Google or in magazines. But does their opinion mean more than our own?  

My first real crush at first sight was when I was 8. Mikey lived next door.  We became fast friends and he was my first kiss behind the pine tree in our backyard! 

After that, I had a few crushes along the way, but I was a chubby nerd who loved reading and being alone.  I married three times, each time I was convinced it was love, sometimes love at first sight. But looking back, I'm not sure I knew what real love looked like. And I'm still not sure.

Love and lust are sometimes mistaken. I have learned over time that it isn't about looks, and it isn't easy to truly love someone. That usually comes from time spent exchanging ideas through conversation and having similar goals for a good life. 

Not including marriages, I fell in love two other times.  Both were built on many conversations, and wanting the same things in life.  

One happened a few months before I was first married. He was older than me, but that didn't matter.  Our history .... well let's just say that I hoped he would be the knight in shining armor who would rescue me.  I realized later in life that we each need to rescue ourselves.

The second was instant friendship and nearly love at first sight. We had so much in common, but our life paths seemed impossible to change at the time and we drifted apart.

Love is a many splendored thing.  That was a catch phrase in the late 60s, but love is definitely hard to define. It is different for each of us. 

I hope you find yours!

Hot Already!

Here in the Valley of the Sun, its gotten hot early this year.  Yesterday, and today, its 112.  With the air on and set to 82, fans twirling 'round and 'round, it should be relatively comfortable. Not so much. Probably just knowing how much hotter it is outside. 

I'm just trying to do what needs doing, then just chilling on the couch.  I found a movie to watch: Working Girl starring Melanie Griffith and Harrison Ford.  Its amusing to observe the 80s hair and clothing.  I can remember those days in my 20s!!! 

And sometimes those styles come back in to fashion! The women were all wearing pins or brooches as they were called way back when.  And now folks are starting to wear them again ... including fashionable men!!

Will shoulder pads make a comeback as well??  Who knows! Personally, I hope not. I tend to look like a football player.

Nicknames

Do you have a nickname, or pet name? I was watching Top Gun and they all have cool names:  Maverick, IceMan, Hollywood, Slider and even Goose. 

Nicknames are usually given because something in life occurred.  You might hear a kid called Stinky, but there are others like Radar or Hawkeye.

For me, I wasn't called a nick name that I can remember until I was working full time at Clarklift of San Jose; the men called me LuLu.  It was derived from the rock song Gimme Three Steps by Lynyrd Skynyrd who was dancing with Linda Lou.  I'm also known as ZonaGal in some places.  When I became a grandmother, I was Amma.  

The only nickname I hated, truly hated, is Dude.  That's what an ex husband called me.  I get nicknames or pet names, but I sure am NOT a Dude.  Which is exactly what I told him!! 

Back in the day, folks had "handles" because of CB radios.  Nowadays, with computer avatars, are they given nicknames?  I'm out of touch with the younger crowd.

Hopefully, if you have a nickname, I hope its one you like!!  As you get older, you may accumulate more!!

Find the Magic

There can be all kinds of magic around us, if you're open to it, watching for it. Sometimes its in the little things, a baby's smile, a butterfly that floats past, a beautiful sunrise or even a tree.

And sometimes you behave to dig to find the magic.  A two hour solo road trip can feel daunting.  But the best way around it, for me, is to load up old music on the mp3 player. And then singing along. Loudly!!  The miles just fly by!

I attach memories to music, that's just how I'm wired.  "Come a little bit closer you're my kind of man, so big and so strong.. ." (Ron)  or "This much I know is true that God bless the broken road and led me straight to you" (Chuck).  Another song by an artist I hadn't heard of, Joshua Kadison, "You will always be beautiful in my eyes and the passing years will show that you will always grow evermore beautiful in my eyes." (JavaJoe). 

Even the old 60s country hits by great singers like Johnny Cash, Tammy Wynette or Buck Owens....  That's some good tunes!

We all get busy doing "stuff". I'm guilty of just that with Mom stuff. I needed this trip to remind me to find the magic!  Don't forget to find your own!

Great Times!!

A mini vacay, visiting with my daughter and the rest of the crew.  Because of the dream I had where Brian brought me a cheeseburger at the amusement park, I ate my first burger and fries since last August!!  Whoa ..... DELISH!!

Had a good visit with MissT, MrA, MissBree and that gorgeous great granddaughter of mine!!!

And I did something naughty, something I did with MissB at her age, I slipped her a sip of Diet Coke!! lol. (Shame on great grandma!¡!)

Then spent the afternoon reminiscing with MissT and MrA.  So many family memories with my kids, too many to recount here, for now!!  I love you!

Dreams of a Cheeseburger

Last night was a dreaming night. They're always a little nuts, always in color, and almost always very disjointed, as if I'm starting to watch a movie from the middle rather than the beginning. 

I can remember being in a bedroom, with dogs, and making the bed. But next is being in some kind of carnival or amusement park, waiting in line for some kind of ride.  And my son Brian bringing me a cheeseburger.

While there was more, the longer I'm awake, the more the details escape me. But if I were to interpret this: the carnival would represent the craziness that my life has become.  And the waiting, well that's trying to figure out what's best for mom. 

The cheeseburger?  Maybe thats permission to have a nice meal for a change???? (she asks with a lot of hope as its been 10 months since the new eating lifestyle began!)  Maybe its time to indulge thus weekend when I see my daughter.

Cheeseburger, here I come!

Clean Closet!

Sunday: Any guesses on when the panic sets in?  I'm thinking Wednesday.  I told mom I was going away for two days. She just said "oh".   

Monday:  it started. First thing she wants to run to the doc thinking she has another UTI, or the original one hasn't gone away.  She handled raw meat on Sunday.  I'm thinking she has trouble remembering to wash her hands.

Took her to PT and ... she just isnt getting any better.  After PT she can barely walk.  Her DPT asks her over and over if she's having any pain, and she says no.  But something isn't right. 

I cleaned my hall closet today!  I'm breaking thing down slowly. One room or area at a time. Clean. Organized. And thinned out.  Less stuff is better for me right now.

That's part of my commitment (word of the year), taking care of me and my house.  While taking care of mom is the rest of the commitment. 

Its been a year of struggles so far.  May the second half of 2025 be better!

Friday to Saturday

Friday ...  Aahhhh.  A day with nothing scheduled.  A day to myself.  A day to catch up!   *sigh*  nope!

Mom texted ... she needs suppositories for her constipation.  She didn't need them yesterday when I was there all day??  

So its run to the store and grab her some  Dulcolax.  Then run to the YMCA to get MrZ.  And stop at her house. And here we sit again.  For four hours.  My nephew is working late.

And then comes Saturday.  I put my phone on Do Not Disturb .... because, well, just because.  And it looks like its not needed.  Almost a whole day and no word from anyone! I count that as a plus!

Which means a day to do my own stuff: clean the carpets and steam clean the tile floors.  Hadn't had time to do that in forever.  So I'm grateful for the time.

And the breathing room.  Because tomorrow I have to tell mom that I'm going out of town for 2 days.  Should be a fun conversation.

Her latest and greatest bright idea? Is for me to cook family dinner on Sundays. No!  I don't cook. I already do enough for her and my nephew, and I don't even eat the meals.  I told her that she needs to switchnitnup and out out bread and sandwich meat if she wants to feed them, something with no prep.  All I can do is shake my head and stick to my NO!

Brain Dump

I just heard that phrase today. And when I heard it, I realized that a lot of this blog has been my brain dump.  

Looked on Google:  brain dump is a simple yet effective technique for decluttering your mind by writing down everything that's occupying your thoughts.  

And lately its all about mom and how frustrated I am caring for her.  And how to help fix things for her.  For example, PT only works if she takes what she learns and applies it.   That's on her.

One of the frustrating things is having nothing to talk about. We go everywhere together. Even a trip to the doc, I go in the exam room with her. We watch tv together.  Other than her listing her bodily complaints or her house complaints, she doesnt have much to contribute to a conversation.  Even her tv watching habits leave little to talk about, they're game shows!

And I don't tell her much of my personal stuff.  Sometimes she blabs it to others, other times she's giving me advice that doesn't work for me. If I say I'm going to the gym she says don't work too hard. If I am doing stuff around the house, she's telling me to rest.  It's easier to not share.

But if I didn't have this place to dump, I would need therapy!  Most people can talk to someone in their family, but there's no one like that for me.  Add to that my empath tendencies and it complicates things.  She insists on daily hugs, and I shudder at the negative vibe coming from her.  Sounds a little strange, but that's how it is.  I have begun wearing stones for protection and carrying my turquoise worry stone as well. 

So there it is, my brain dump of the day! Have a good weekend!

Just Another Dr

It amazes and confounds me every time I got to a doctor appt with Mom. They always ask "Why are you here?"  And today, like every time, "I don't know, I don't feel good "

I get so frustrated with her!  She had a list written out in her pocket, and all she says is I don't feel good.  Thankfully, I had my own list, and directed the conversation a bit, tossing in words to help direct Mom's answers.  It worked much better that way!

She got a script for her UTI, a little stronger than Keflex this time.  The doc explained that she CAN cut her Mirtazapene (anxiety meds) I half, take them 12 hours apart.   Whew! She needs them.  

What I haven't been able to convince her of is the way I look at meds.  Stay ahead of the "pain".   When she started taking Tramadol, she would wait until she has pain before taking. By that point, the pain takes a long time to recede.  Its the same with her anxiety meds.  She waits until she's in the anxiety cycle before taking a pill.  If you know you start feeling anxious around 3 every day, and it takes an hour for the meds to work, then take it at 2!  

I've never met anyone who's so out of touch with her own body.  She asks "should I take this" all the time, but I can't answer, I don't know what's going on inside her.  So lately, my answer is to take the med. Yes. 

I'm looking forward to spending 2 days with my daughter, even though I dislike driving that far. Just getting away is going to be a relief.  And if it goes well enough, I just may go again and again!

Mom Struggles

I continue to struggle with the daily care of mom.  And I'm not sure where the breaking point will be, just know that there will be one.  

I take her to physical therapy and listen in while he talks to her. Asking about her meals (she doesn't eat enough protein), and about how much time she sits in her chair.  I also hear her responses. She told him she eats fruit every day.  She doesn't mention that its canned fruit, covered in a mixture of cool whip and yogurt, with marshmallows.  

She says she gets out of her chair every hour. What she leaves out is that she stumbles her way to the bathroom to pee and heads right back to her chair. And her exercises? She does them at PT and it takes 45 minutes.  When she does them at home, its only 20 mins. She was told the more she does them, the stronger she will get.  

What I've noticed is that if she doesn't like or agree with what she hears, she ignores or forgets about it.  

I pondered if I should get her to Planet Fitness and working on a recumbent bike. I don't want her to make things worse, but she hasn't been improving.

Today, she wants me to call her doctor and take her in. In her words, "seems like someone should be able to help me."

We shall see.

Wonder what her reaction will be when I tell her I am going out of town for 2 days?

Glorious Rain!

A quick rain storm rolled through today. We had a little lightning, a bit of thunder and a few drops of rain.  Hooray!

But then, I knew it would rain, I washed my car 2 days ago!!

Headed to Mom's after taking MrZ home, to watch some Diamondbacks baseball. (They won!)  But its also family dinner night.  We do this every week.  At the same time.  But my nephew has trouble keeping to a schedule at times.  Its 430pm and they're not here yet.  This is why I bring my own meals everywhere. Because I need to eat on schedule,  or my efforts are wasted.

By 5pm, I was wore out, and headed home.  By 6 pm I had crawled under the covers and kept my ears tuned to the sound of rain on the roof.  

Happy Sunday! 

Morning Wii

Its Saturday morning, MrZ spent the night.  We were up late, playing Wii til after 10! (Whoops!)  I figured he'd sleep in a little.

Nope!  6am and he's up and trying to figure out the remotes to get the TV and Wii going.  We tried some bowling, with a little snafu -- he swung his arm to roll the ball and accidentally released the controller.  It flew up and hit a picture on the wall, knocking it down!  No worries, nothing hurt, just a lot of surprise!!

Now its baseball.  He's played some real baseball, he didn't need any explanations for this!!

Having a blast! Happy weekend!!

Who Remembers?

Years ago, probably 15, I bought a Wii machine.  I liked the Wii fit program, created my own Mii and am still using it, along with the balance board.

Friday night and I'm watching MrZ, so I introduced him to the wonders of interactive gaming.  He grabbed We Ski to start with.  He's been at it for 90 minutes now, having a blast with no sign of wanting to stop!!  Even though I have six other games including sports, he doesn't want to stop!! 

It should be an interesting evening!