Always a fool...

You know what they say:  Once a fool, always a fool.   and boy do I feel foolish.
I'm quite certain his "i give a shit" ... isn't.
When I give a shit, well hell, how can I make a comparison - I can't, because I've been 'me' all along.

I had a rough night last night with a nightmare.  And of course, I can't even text "my best friend" when that happens, because....  And so I told him "what kind of friendship is that?"

I had a relatively good day, and a good moment this morning, when I thought "yeah, I can love him, in my own way, and be ok with it".  So I told him. 

Know what?  No response.  He doesn't read this blog.
He doesn't follow my other one either.  And I started it because of him.

What a fool I am.
Wouldn't you agree??

I guess women in general always want to understand the why's when it comes to things like this.  I'm not sure why we're made that way.  Maybe because answers help us be better people along the way, but by a show of hands... how many of you women EVER got satisfactory answers after some kind of break up to help you understand the why's and how's - even if only to use in the next relationship so you can avoid those same kind of mistakes???  Yeah. That's what I thought. Me Either.

I have really dark moments when I realize just how alone I am at times.  Those can be really scary moments.  Being alone isn't fun - its difficult to make decisions when there is no one to bounce things off of.  It becomes even more difficult when you're not the average female in so many ways.  I'm smiling and chuckling to myself because when I chat with men, I often start off the conversation with "I'm not your average female...."  hehehe  And its true, I'm not like most women.

This is long and rambling. 
It's 11pm and I guess I got what I'll term my goodbye text at 430pm, wishing me a safe trip home, and to love my family, with no word since then, no moves in a computer backgammon game we play, no sign of him in the online world.

Maybe that's for the best.

If that's the case, why does it hurt so much?

Love

I am so blessed.  I have a family who has taught me how to love.  In fact, they still teach me.  There are all kinds of love in this world, and I know that I can love someone without expectations, without reciprocation, just because I have it within me. 

“Being deeply loved by someone 

gives you strength,

while loving someone deeply 

gives you courage.”

~~Lao Tzu

“Love comes  to those who still hope
even though they've been disappointed,
to those who still believe
even though they've been betrayed,
to those who still love
even though they've been hurt before.”

TS: i love you