Dear Brian,
There's no way to describe to another person how it feels when you lose someone you love. It's never a fun feeling, and I've had my share of lost loves (ie husbands! lol) over the years. But it's different when it's your child. It's as if someone evil has reached into my chest and ripped out a piece of my heart. Yes, it's actually a physical pain that I feel, especially when I am up in the wee hours of the night waiting for Sadie to do her business. It's not really sadness or grief as we expect it to be, or have experienced in the past. I can feel the piece of you that was within me is gone, and there's an empty place there, with raw edges and pain.
I've been moving on, however, as best I can. I'm going through the scrapbooks and getting more photos of you scanned into the computer so they can be shared. Or maybe it's so I can look at them whenever I want to. I know they're in my memory, but seeing the photos brings back so many parts of you! I didn't realize you had our family trait - the one where we stick the tip of our tongue out when we're concentrating real hard. I laugh every time I see someone do it: Grandma does it, I know I do it, Tanya does it, even you did it!
I stopped in at HD today - everyone was busy! they're considered "essential workers" in this COVID-19 pandemic. Bought some paint; when they put on a new roof, there was one place that needed some new plywood, so that needs painting dark brown. Then I bought paint to start painting the back of the house and the trim, because it needs it again! Of course I get two days off in a row, and the temps soar to over 100 before it's even May 1! So early morning painting when it's cool out, and have to stretch it out over a few days off, but it will get done eventually!
I found a quote in the far reaches of my desk today:
May the Sun bring you new energy by day.
May the Moon softly restore you by night.
May the Rain wash away your worries.
May the Breeze blow new strength into your being.
May you walk gently through the world
and know it's beauty all the days of your life.
----Apache Blessing
Wherever you are ....
I'll always love you
Mom
Friday, April 24, 2020
Saturday, April 18, 2020
Just a Little Too Much
Between normal work stuff that keeps me very busy, when you add in the COVID-19 stuff going on, things get a little more out of whack.
Every day there are changes being made. On the one hand, politicos are trying to determine when to re-instate things "back to normal". On the other hand, others are saying this isn't over yet and making policies to match. At work, we are now being mandated to wear face masks. I attempted to comply today, but boy are they uncomfortable! When I'm doing what I do, I'm active, and breathing through a mask, I find I have to slow down because each breath is a little smaller than normal.
Frankly, I've never liked having my nose covered - not by blankets or anything else! This mask just adds a little bit more anxiety when having it covered.
But back to my original topic: There are so many things going on, so many changes that happen hour by hour that in order to stay on top of things, I now keep a To Do list. Well, two actually: one for home and one for work. Writing it down ensures that things get done in a timely manner. But the biggest thing is that something important doesn't get forgotten!!
When I start thinking about how things are, about how I'm doing with things, I can only shake my head. I now shop in a way I've never shopped before. On nearly a daily basis, I'm checking to see what's in stock in the store, and what I can make for meals out of what's available. It's rather a hardship for me because I'm very old school; I used to shop once a week and then job done! I miss being able to do that. It was easier to keep track of what is being spent! Some days, I get things for less than $15. And other days it can be much more than that! At the end of the week, I'm unsure just how much is getting spent!!
Because we're being inundated with updates and new information every few hours, it feels as if the world is spinning out of control at times. However, it may not feel like it at all for those of you who are doing the "shelter in place". Me, I'm "essential" and am still going to work every day. All of this seems just a little too much to handle!
Stay safe and healthy and sane out there!
Every day there are changes being made. On the one hand, politicos are trying to determine when to re-instate things "back to normal". On the other hand, others are saying this isn't over yet and making policies to match. At work, we are now being mandated to wear face masks. I attempted to comply today, but boy are they uncomfortable! When I'm doing what I do, I'm active, and breathing through a mask, I find I have to slow down because each breath is a little smaller than normal.
Frankly, I've never liked having my nose covered - not by blankets or anything else! This mask just adds a little bit more anxiety when having it covered.
But back to my original topic: There are so many things going on, so many changes that happen hour by hour that in order to stay on top of things, I now keep a To Do list. Well, two actually: one for home and one for work. Writing it down ensures that things get done in a timely manner. But the biggest thing is that something important doesn't get forgotten!!
When I start thinking about how things are, about how I'm doing with things, I can only shake my head. I now shop in a way I've never shopped before. On nearly a daily basis, I'm checking to see what's in stock in the store, and what I can make for meals out of what's available. It's rather a hardship for me because I'm very old school; I used to shop once a week and then job done! I miss being able to do that. It was easier to keep track of what is being spent! Some days, I get things for less than $15. And other days it can be much more than that! At the end of the week, I'm unsure just how much is getting spent!!
Because we're being inundated with updates and new information every few hours, it feels as if the world is spinning out of control at times. However, it may not feel like it at all for those of you who are doing the "shelter in place". Me, I'm "essential" and am still going to work every day. All of this seems just a little too much to handle!
Stay safe and healthy and sane out there!
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