Time Changes Us

I've been writing here on this blog for a very long time.  And it's been good to me, and good for me!  Having an outlet with no judgments can be a blessing. 

And reading back over some of the older ones, it seems I was in a better frame of mind, a better writer, a few years back.  

I've discovered that having a child die is one of the biggest life changing events a person can ever have.  I notice that I'm not as outgoing, not as ... personable ... as I used to be.  I guess I can feel inside myself that I've closed myself off, not letting people in.  I'm sure its a defense mechanism against letting anyone else in.  I don't want to have to explain my feelings that I have because of my son's death.  When you're related to someone who chooses suicide, things change a lot... emphasis on a lot.  They leave behind so many questions, and *no* answers.    I miss my son every. single. day.  And there's nothing I can do about it. 

My dream was to have this house long enough, to have it paid off, and leave it to my son.  I would probably ... well, who knows what the future would have been if it hadn't happened.  

But I can't change what happened, and it's difficult to change my feelings about all of it. 

So I just keep moving the best I can.  And smile whenever possible! 

Inventory and Memories

 In our crazy retail Big Box Store we have inventory once a year.  It's a huge process when it comes to preparation. And no matter how prepared you think you are, you're never really prepared.  We had high hopes for a good outcome... our hopes were dashed.  But that's how it is in retail.  But it means that we're going to be under close scrutiny from the higher-ups in the coming year. 

As for the preparation, I worked 7 days in a row, mostly 9 -10 hour days each.  When it was all over, as of yesterday, today it's a do-nothing, rest all day kind of day.  But I can't seem to sit still.  The bad part about it is that I can't seem focus on just one thing and complete the task.  I did manage to load and start the dishwasher, and to wash the bedding and remake the bed.  

We had rain move through the Valley, and I slipped out during all our preps to snap a quick pic. There's nothing like the smell of a fresh wet desert!

Then yesterday, as I walked out to get the mai, this little truck was parked outside of Wendy's.  It reminded me of the days back in the 80s when I worked in the service dept of a local forklift dealership.  After hours, we would work on a truck just like this one.  It was a blast!  Sometimes little things bring back the best memories! 

It was also my sister's heavenly birthday.  I painted a rock to bring with me on my next visit home to leave on her headstone.  

Lots of little things going on, and yet now that inventory is over, work will be more pleasant now.  I hope.