Past The Day

No post yesterday because its the hardest day of the year for me.  It's been five years since the day I came home from work and found my son dead in the backyard. 

The visuals are impossible to get out of my head.  I try to stay busy and keep those thoughts in the background.  But night time is the worst.  So I'm extra tired today. And a little bit cranky.

The heat doesn't help.  

I miss Brian every day; we were close. My goals .... well they don't matter any longer and in many ways I am lost without him here.  

But life keeps moving forward, and sometimes I'm just swept along because it's the best I can do in the moment.  

It's easy to wish others would know what I'm going through, but there's no way I would wish this upon anyone.  

My tribute full of stories and photos can be found at www.forevermissed.com/Brian-court

Being a parent who has lost a child changes everything. 

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is an incredibly hard day when one of your two children has died.  I was blessed with two children, a girl and a boy. My daughter is incredible, and she has a daughter, who is alao going to have a daughter.  Life moves along and we celebrate those occasions. But.  This isn't easy, a day of celebration without my son.

Brian and I were buddies; we made huge life changes together, and always came out ahead.  We loaded a truck and moved from Ohio to Arizona. Then we bought a house and moved in.  It was going to be his house to grow old in if he wanted.  But it all changed with his decision to end his life. And that changed all our lives. Irrevocably.

So on this special day, I visited my own Mom, but cut it short and came home to be alone with thoughts of my son. Its been nearly five years, and sometimes it hurts as much as the first year.  Not a day goes by when I don't think of him.  

I love you, Brian.  7.2.2019  FE33

Four Years Ago

July 2 was the fourth anniversary since my son Brian died.  Time passes in a different dimension when your child dies.  The daily tasks that are somewhat mundane but necessary keep me moving in a semi forward direction.  But its not always forward.

There are days when the grief is still overwhelming, even after four years.  There are days when I feel alone, that no one even remembers him.  I know that death is an awkward subject for most people.  Suicide is even worse.  I also know that most people don't know what to say to those of us who have lost someone. 

But because he asked, I go on with my days, trying to be happy,  to find joy in the little things.  To honor him.  Because I love him.