Dad's Meds

When someone has cancer ......
When someone has chemo .....
When their desire is to stay in their home ......


There are so many things the average person doesn't think about.  The meds my Dad was on were very powerful toward the end.  Something a doctor might prescribe after a procedure, such as percocet, would make our own pains tolerable.  But those couldn't touch the pains Dad was having.  His prescriptions were so much more than that.  So what happens to those meds after he's gone?  Because of the newer regulations for hazardous waste, they can't be thrown out, or even flushed in the toilet.  They can't be re-used or given to another patient, or any one else.  And the instructions from Hospice were for Mom to have them gone within five days.


Today we checked around and found out where they could be dropped off.  We drove over to Valley Health Center and found the drop off location to get them out of the house.  It was a relief in having that chore done, checked off the list.  Something we could do to help Mom so that she doesn't have to do it all on her own.


Have you ever flushed meds in the toilet?  I'm guessing we all have a time or two in the past.  But that's no longer an option. Those meds get mixed in our water supply, they're difficult to filter out, and for that reason, we all should be aware of our local or county rules are for disposing of expired meds.  Some locales have a special day where you can drop all these things off, usually along with other potentially harmful things, such as chemicals and paints.

Do the right thing and be kind to the environment.

On a more personal note, here we are, six days out and its odd.  I was sitting on the couch this evening, and half expecting my Dad to come lumbering down the hall after his shower.  But that's not going to happen, and it was an eerie feeling.

In the last two years or so, getting around was becoming increasingly difficult.  And while I didn't expect him to be a helping hand in whatever project needs doing, I relied on his advice.  I loved being able to explore options as to the best way to handle getting the job done in ways that were both efficient and long lasting.  I will miss that most of all.  Love you, Dad!

Measure Twice, Cut Once

Christmas Eve is over, our traditions have passed.  We had a blessed evening full of fun and traditions.  None of them are easy when you've lost a loved one.  But life goes along and so must we.  Every effort was made to make this a joyous celebration of family and love.



When we sat down to dinner ... an odd thing happened.  The lamp in the living room kept blinking off and on a few times during the meal.  Because dark comes so early, the lamp had been lit for several hours without any kind of blinking.  It only blinked as we were sitting down to eat, just after we said grace.  I know it was Dad, telling us he's with us in spirit.

Church was the usual service - Lutherans don't like much to change in that regard!  We shared a service with another local Lutheran church, and we sang Christmas hymns joyously.  The best part of a Christmas Eve service is lighting a candle.  Every person in the church holds a lit candle, the lights are turned off and there we stand singing Silent Night by candlelight.  It's a beautiful sight.  And something I have enjoyed for years and years, probably my favorite tradition of all.

I'm sure my mother was missing my father in a really big way.  And it doesn't matter how much you tell yourself he's in a better place, free of pain, we still missed his presence.

"Measure twice, cut once."

That's what he would tell us.  And even if you're not in the middle of a project, it's good advice.  Double check your accuracy, your facts, before you make a decision.  And most times, that's exactly what I did, and still do.

Thank you, Dad, for being such a great example to all of us!
I love you!

Feeling Blessed

Today was a better day!  Yes, it's still on our mind; I miss my Dad very much, but we're moving forward a little bit every day.

My BFF Melanie was meeting a classmate here in town, so I met up with them.  Us girls chit-chatted for an hour or so, and it was SO good to spend time together.

Then I took my Mom and Aunt shopping at JCP- we all found good buys!   I got pants, long skirt and two shirts for under $50.

After that, it was off to Walmart where we found a few more good deals :)

When we got home, there were two very HUGE florist bouquets, from Richard and from Rob.  Thanks to them, they will decorate at the church so nice!

Then it was off to City Sports where my nephew works.  Wanted to get in a workout, did a mile on the elliptical and a mile on the treadmill.  Been a while since I was a gym rat -- before my gall bladder surgery!  Yikes, that was in October -- bet I'll be feeling this in the morning.  haha

So many good things today, Feeling so blessed.... :)

Day 3... of many

Here it is, another day gone.  A little better day, we were able to iron out some details, and get a menu planned for the next week or so.  It's rough.  I wrote about writing your own obit the other day, and found that today, I needed to write something for the church service bulletin.  I felt stumped, so I looked over some of the ones from the past, and found that they were too ... bland for my taste.  I mean, my Dad lived 77 years on this Earth, surely he deserves more than a few paltry lines about what his life meant!   We also checked over the list of hymns, and uh uh.  Nothing boring and un.sing.able.  We should end the service with smiles, with a good song in our hearts, or at least sing some of Dad's favorites.  No way would he be happy with some bland choice of hymns!

Getting those details ironed out was quite helpful!   Then there was the visit to the mortuary.  Things were supposed to have been all planned out, all paid for, and the place they went -- well, Mom was a little disgusted and disappointed.  The gentleman who called and made the appointment wasn't prepared, and you know how it is -- a person is still trying to digest what happened, they're in mourning and someone is asking you to make decisions that you thought were already made.  But.  She got through it.  Sadly, had no idea how costly it is to put a one day obit in the newspaper.... $500!!!    Ridiculous!

If you haven't thought about your own service, your own obit, make some time to think and jot down notes, talk to your children, let them know what you wish so they aren't making decisions and feeling as if they're in the dark!   Why make things harder for them?  I say do it, so they don't have to.

Now my only issue is to deal with someone taking care of Sadie.  Scary as it is, I have to interview a few folk by phone, and make a choice for someone to go in and take her for walks, feed her, twice a day for three days.  Yes, this will be yet another expense.  And I'm up to -HERE- with those in the past three months.  Totally not fun at all !   If anyone has had any experience with in-home pet sitters, or wants to share advice or opinions, please let me know!

Home Again

Here it is, Saturday night, and I am back at my parents' home again.  I just left here Sunday, and I'm back -- but not for a good reason's visit this time.  And while there is sadness among us, we are rejoicing and reminiscing about all the good things in our pasts.  One of my cousins told his mother "I'm sure Dad (my Uncle Jim) is up there in Heaven, showing Oliver (my Dad) how everything works up there."  Sure made me smile, because knowing Uncle Jim, that's exactly what he's doing.  *grin*

It's not my place to question the how's and why's of what God allows to happen to certain individuals, because we may never know the answer to it.  For me, it's comforting to know that Dad is at peace, that he is finally free of the crippling effects of arthritis on his hands and feet, and that the cancer no longer causes him any pain.   Mom said that he told her a couple days ago that maybe it was time for him to give up.  Lordy, he's been fighting to hang on for a long, long time.  Many others would have given up long ago, but not Dad.  He hated the thought of leaving Mom.  He hung on because he loved her that much, didn't want her to be alone in the world, I think.

They just don't make many men like Dad.

It's an hour from the airport to home, so we had plenty of time to think and share all the little things we remembered.  Moving to California with very little money when I was 3 years old, my parents were brave, trying to make a new life for themselves.  We talked about Christmas trees, how the first few years our trees were pretty scraggly.  Little did I know how they came to be.  Dad and Uncle Jim worked in the maintenance dept for Stanford University.  When the sorority girls went home for the holidays, they would throw out the Christmas trees.... and they each brought one home.  Isn't it funny what you don't know about your family until you start reminiscing?

Dad always wanted the best for us. Not the biggest, the most expensive, or the latest and greatest.  Some of the toys we had were salvaged just like that Christmas tree. We had the best set of building blocks.  They were large wooden blocks, and not just a few, it was a huge box full of them.  Most were the same size, and if I had to guess, about 3x3" blocks.  We played often with them!  There was also a farm set with a barn, some fencing, horses -- we could be regular cowboy types when we played!

And then, with two girls, came the years of the Barbie and her accessories.  Mom would sew the most beautiful gowns!  Dad built a carrying case for the doll, her clothes, shoes and purses.  My sister was more into the playing with the doll part, dressing them up.  I was more into the setup and arrangement of the furniture, the kitchen, the rooms.  I would painstakingly cover boxes to create couches, chairs, and other assorted furnishings.  (Wasn't Con-tact paper great???)

And now I'm rambling on as I meander down the path of reminiscing.

*sigh*

So, its Sunday afternoon.  I arrived back home again last night, and it seems.... unreal.  My Dad was never ever not in the house whenever I arrive, almost always up and waiting for me.   haha as if I was a teenager!!
Yes, he used to do that :)

But its surreal, lots of sitting around as if waiting for someone to come home.

Decisions aren't easy to make.  You don't want to offend or cause Mom any grief.  But at the same time, stuff needs to happen.  There are things that need to be done.  When I got home, Dad's hospital bed was in the same spot.  It was hard to believe that I'd only been here a week ago.  And I wondered why they left the bed there?   Only because no one came to pick it up.  But jeepers, it was so difficult for Mom to look at that empty bed --- I'm sure she was remembering every moment.  

My sister and I took things in hand when we discovered they wouldn't be arriving to remove the bed today.  We had my nephew and a co-worker come over and disassemble the bed and move it to the garage; to put all the furniture back in all the right places.  Then vacuumed and aired out the rooms with some fresh outdoor air.  We did all this while my Aunt took her for a short walk (so that she didn't have to see it, or feel that she needed to help!)

Otherwise, its been a long day, trying to coordinate the family coming here.  Of course, my own kids want to be here, but such an ordeal trying to get things accomplished.  I am up in the air what to do with my pug, Sadie.  Doggie hotel?  In home sitter?  Someone willing to drive over and let her out twice a day?  Feed her?  I'm ... stumped.   The doggie hotel wants $100 for 4 days.  Another issue:  are her shots up to date?? I'm certain they are, but since I am not home, I cannot check ..... UGH.

I know things will work out as they need be.
*sigh*

Dad's Set Free

Today, my Dad went to Heaven.

He passed peacefully in his sleep

He is free from pain and sickness,

He is whole again

"My chains are gone

I've been set free

My God, my Savior has ransomed me

And like a flood His mercy reigns

Unending love, amazing grace"

God is good - all the time

All the time - God is good.

He will be forever missed, a huge hole is left within our family

he was the cornerstone, the rock.

I love you, Dad!

No butts about it

Colonoscopy:  What a word.  What a procedure.

For those of you who have ever had one, you know what I'm talking about!  Most of us agree, the prep is the worst part of the ordeal.  Second is the number of hours you go without eating.  The procedure itself is a piece of cake, since they put you out like a light.

Ahh that moment.... you've been in the prep room, stuffed into a hospital gown that's not tied.  Your bowels are quaking as if you need to go, but there's nothing in there.  An IV in your arm, blood pressure cuff on the other one.  And you wait.  Until they roll you from there to your 'room' and you watch the nurse stick the syringe in your iv, watch the plunger depress, wondering when you'll start feeling the meds kick in... and then they do.  You feel yourself blink once, twice, and boom, you're out.  The next thing you know, you're waking up, and you're all done.

For me, the good news was the doc finding only one polyp.  If it turns out fine, I won't have to have another one for three years!!

Again.  if you are approaching 50 yrs old, get a colonoscopy!
It might not be fun, but making sure you're healthy is worth it.

I Wear Blue

Mondays aren't the best day of the week!  I am sure we can all agree on that. For me, it was tougher than usual to get up before the sun and head off to work.  All I wanted to do was not be here;  I wanted to be in Calif with my family during this crisis time.  Every family has different crises at one time or another.  Loved ones pass away suddenly, and there are arrangements to be made.  There's an illness or an accident, and that changes our normal routine while we react to the needs of those around us.

For me, it's been trying to see my family on a regular basis.  Flying back home once a month has become the norm, and those extra days off interfere with the work and home life routines.  Not that I'm complaining -- there's no place like home :)


But this latest crisis has been going on for some time.  My Dad has cancer; I've spoke about it in the past.  But I was reflecting today on what that means.  As part of his family, we need to be diligent with our doctor visits, and we need to be paying attention to our bodies when it tries to tell us things.  When Dad was diagnosed, it was colon cancer they found during a colonoscopy.  I thought he was having them every 3 years, and when it was found, it was Stage IV.   When I think about it, its hard to believe in this day and age with all the testing a doctor likes to do when you get a checkup that it wouldn't be found before it reaches Stage IV.


I spent a lot of time watching, observing and caring for my Dad while I was there.  I called my mother twice today to see how things were going.  I know that even with his pain meds that cause him to feel sleepy, he is very aware of what is going on around him, and hears our conversations.  Because of that, I've been encouraging my nephews to drop in, even if its only for 15 mins, to say HI.  I know Dad senses them around him, and hope it brings him some peace and comfort.

And yes, with this family history ... my annual colonoscopy is this Friday.
I'm crossing my fingers that it will all go OK.  :)

F*ck Cancer!

Cancer is one ugly disease. There isn't much dignity left when it comes down to the wire.  I know.  My Dad has been battling colon cancer for more than 18 months.  He battled with chemo and its effects and yes, it's taking its toll.  I admired how well he tolerated it in the beginning.  He has always been a trooper - his Doc called him Superman because of how well he tolerated all he's been through.

But July came around, and after a year on chemo, his doctor told him there wasn't much else they could do for him.  Chemo had kept the cancer from growing, but once chemo stopped... yes, its back, rearing its ugly head, and devouring whatever it can.

It's so hard to watch, to be upbeat in spite of the dire outlook.  But every other month, I have been here, if nothing else but to be emotional support for my Mom.  She's been a trooper as well, taking care of Dad's every little need.  No easy task, but we do everything we can for those we love.

This weekend's visit was on the spur of the moment, and I'm happy I came.  Dad hasn't been eating or drinking, and that's never a good thing.  Yesterday, he sat for so long in his mobility chair that when it came time to get up and hobble down the hallway with his walker, he couldn't.  We had to get him in his wheelchair and back to the bedroom. That's when we knew that things weren't going to be the same.  We got a hospice nurse on the phone and ordered a hospital bed.  It's set up in the living room with a nice air mattress.  We told him about it, and he didn't seem too surprised.

Around noon, he decided it was time to get up, and wanted to hobble down the hall with his walker.  Lucky, his big strong grandson, Jake, had stopped in, walked behind him in case he fell, and got into his chair.  He's resting well for now.  But he's been eyeballing that bed.  I'm not sure if its in a good way, thinking the bed will be comfy and handy to be out here with the TV -- or if he's giving it the evil eye, knowing .......  *sigh*

Fuck cancer - it's one of the most evil things on Earth - and if I have a choice.....  this would not be it!

Everything's OK

Here I am, in California again, visiting my parents.  Being that I work at a BigBox Store and its the Holiday Season, plenty of work, I need to be at work.  But I'm here to see my Dad.  Things aren't good.  He's slowly losing his ability to eat.  Today, nothing stayed down.  He's lost weight since I was here last.  He's on some major pain killers, and his body functions are ... questionable.  It's really a sad thing to see, to be a part of.   He's very dependent on my mom, she does everything for him.

Last night, he couldn't sleep, and sat up in his chair at 2am.  He couldn't let mom have her sleep, had to have her out in the living room with him.  I understand it, but its hard for her to see him fail before her eyes.

Mom seems to think that his lack of sleep needs has to do with anxiety about his situation.  And it made me think, and start this thread.  What would go through a person's mind, knowing what was coming?   Maybe thinking your job isn't done?  That there might be more you need to before its time?  I can't imagine.  I know I'm not ready to be done with living, and I'm not ready for my Dad to be gone either.

Please remember that you can't replace time with your loved ones

so take every opportunity you have!