Making Arrangements

No matter how well one plans things out, as we near the end of our lives, there are a million details that need to be seen to.  My sister just lost her 3+ years long battle with pancreatic cancer.  Although it is my own thought that once it traveled to her liver, that was what caused her to go downhill so quick.

She was a fighter though.  She endured many different chemo treatments.  When a person thinks "chemo", it's easy to assume that all chemo treatments are the same. They definitely aren't!  She was on either 3 or 4 different "cocktails" over the years, each specifically mixed up for her own unique situation.  Which was sometimes the cause of chemo treatments being so lengthy.  They don't premix them days before your scheduled appointment.  When you arrive, that's when the mixology takes place.  Some of it kind of boggles the mind.

Each different treatment gave her different side affects.  But she endured them and got through the sickest of days afterward, and seemed to bounce back to her old self for a while - until the next treatment.

During each rally back after treatment, she somehow found the strength to keep living her life to the fullest.  She took many small vacations, and some extravagant ones:  Ireland, Puerto Vallarta, and her favorite place, Trinity Mountain Meadow Resort.   She took her sons to Hawaii, a few times to Arizona for Spring Training Baseball.  She toughed it out and got to know her first grandson, Zane. He called her Nanni.  They were best buds!

But in the end, there came a time where she started feeling worse, and then it all happened so fast.  Hospice was arranged, and 3 days later she got her angel wings.   Her smile, her joy, her love of life was catchy - and she shared with all those around her. 

But with the pandemic, making arrangements for just about anything has been an ordeal.  California is a locked down state, and everything takes time, and sometimes special permissions in order to get things accomplished.  Which puts everyone in a weird holding pattern for the time being.  We predict her memorial service will not be held until this pandemic is over.

She was always in control of things, and had her plans in place.  But even with the majority of the plans laid out, there are still so many things that have to be coordinated.   And while I have my own estate plans done, I know there are going to be many other decisions and tasks that those left behind will have to deal with.  I am trying to learn from my experiences so that there will  be less for my daughter to have to think about.   But even the best plans aren't complete.  And for that, I apologize from the get-go to family. 

There isn't any easy way to say it, and most people avoid discussions about the death of a loved one - planned or unexpected - but we are all here for only a brief time.  Please do what you can to save your loved ones from having the burden of "guessing" what your last wishes might be.  Make a plan, it will give them a direction and guidance as they move through the difficulties that come with a person's death.

Dealing With Loss

Losses are never easy.  When someone we love dies, a piece of our heart seems to die as well.

My sister has been battling pancreatic cancer for three years now; there were ups and downs, good times and bad. When first diagnosed, her prognosis was for six to eight months.  Being able to have three years has been amazing.  She has taken some wonderful trips, and she was there for the first three years of her grandson's life.

The last time we spent time together was my son's memorial service.  I didn't know when I saw her a year ago that it would be the last time we would spend time together.

But at the same time, I started pondering our childhood.  I remember as kids in the summer we would play "school".  She always wanted to be the teacher, and I was always more concerned with making sure the drawers were stocked with pencil and paper, that the desks were lined up in straight rows.  She was always the big achiever in the family; she knew she wanted to be a teacher from the time she was a little girl.  Which brought me to thinking about my own goals.

In high school, I always knew I was good at the details that get handled in the background.  I had planned on junior college then San Jose State Univ.  But I got derailed by a boy. And then when I got pregnant and found out my baby girl was hearing impaired, my goals changed.  I didn't need a career that would move me up some kind of success ladder.  What I needed most was a stable job with stable hours that could get me to move through the challenges I was facing.  And then a second child, my son was visually impaired. 

There were times over the years when I found myself wondering .... or maybe it was comparing ... my own life against my sister. 

In the end, my life was made up of choices made with the information I had at that moment; I raised good kids, and we had some happy times, and have wonderful memories.

I'm sad about my sister. Hospice has been arranged and she's on some heavy meds.  It will be very hard on my mom.

Life and losses are never easy.