A Clean Room

Dear Brian:
It's been two days now, and functioning to do what needs to be done comes in spurts of energy and then a near shutdown that tells me it's time for a nap. 

Your sister and I cleaned out your room today.  We started with the objective of finding things to be displayed at your memorial.   Then it turned into sorting and digging through all the boxes and making decisions about what needs to happen with all your stuff.   Turns out Alonzo can fit into some of your jeans and shirts ... one problem solved.  Tanya is keeping a couple of your sweat shirts.  The other camo things that we can't use will be donated, of course.

Looking through your things was nostalgic for me - so many things brought up memories of you as a boy, a young man, the handyman you'd become.

I'm already missing your smile, your jokes.  Tanya and Alonzo have been staying with me.  Sometimes I hear them after I've gone to bed, and it feels as if it's you wandering the house. 

Planning your memorial has been ... difficult.  A church wouldn't suit you.  We wondered about a hotel conference room but it sounded rather boring.   So we decided on a room at the library at Riparian Preserve.  When we moved from Ohio to Arizona, our "Thursday night outing" was to walk the park, hit the library for videos and a book or two, then stopping at Taco Bell for dinner.  I feel like we did that every week for more than two years!

I'll be adding thoughts and feelings as we progress through these next two weeks ... and beyond.

BTW, when I talked to your dad, he was the same as always! 
You'll know what that means. *chuckle*

I'll always love you
Mom

When Your World is Rocked

I'm going to leave a short post for now, then a longer one later when I feel up to it. 

Yesterday, I came home from work and found my son dead in the back yard, a pistol in his hand.

Talk about the ultimate shock, a real heart stopper!

The chaos that erupts around a suicide is harsh.  I was "questioned" by cop after cop.  They surrounded the front of my house with 8 cars at one time.  They inspected the entire home, and when I tried to use the bathroom, they chased me out.  Not wanting me to be alone, I assume. 

Just when your world is rocked .... you're forced to make a million and one decisions.  When there's been a divorce, you're forced to call your ex.  After telling him, and him asking "Are you sure?" I told him I would call when I was done with the cops.  15 minutes later, he calls back and asks "Are you sure?????" again.   Uh, yeah, why would I lie??

I'm exhausted beyond belief, and afraid to close my eyes because there's only one imprint on my brain for the time being.   I know this will pass with time, but damn.   Food is tasteless, and I eat only to maintain because it has so little meaning.  For now.

I had to call his employer and report it.
I had to call my employer and tell them I wouldn't be in.

There isn't an end to the people who call and want to help -- I can't think of a thing I need help with at the moment -- unless they can take a nap for me! 

The next few days will be more decision making, finding a place to have a memorial.  He wasn't churched, so that doesn't seem fitting.  I was trying to find a local pizza place with a party room, but they're made for 20 people.   I'm sure the right place will turn up, we just need to locate something.

Until later.  Gal.