No Decisions, For Now

With everything that has happened in the past couple of months, I keep having this feeling like I'm ... forgetting something.  Or that another shoe is going to drop?   Or maybe it's just the odd sensation of feeling as if I'm suspended between two worlds.  In one, I want to preserve all I have, all I can of my son.  In the opposite spectrum, I don't want my daughter to have to go through all of this so I feel like I should be heading toward minimalism, and getting rid of stuff. 

I've already done plenty of that, but I could do better. 
A little bit at a time, I suppose. 

This upcoming weekend, I will have both days off and I'm looking forward to it!

I also need to work on getting Sadie better at traveling in the car, so we can go places.

It's a weird little world I live in right now, and I'm trying to take it slow, but in many ways I'm becoming impatient.  I am pondering staying in my home vs moving closer to my daughter vs moving in with my mother. 

I go back and forth with each of them, for various reasons.  I would hate living back in Calif; I dislike the traffic and so many people.  Everywhere.  All the time.  But being there for Mom would be SO important.    I was never fond of Tucson as a town, and being closer would mean being involved in their lives - a good thing - until you toss my ex in the mix.  Sure, we can be civil, but I don't want to spend my social time with him.  Then there's staying in my home.  The one I bought on my own.  It's perfect in size, and the location is pretty good too.  But no family lives close. 



I bought the house with Brian in mind.  Because of his visual problems, he needed to be in a home that was close to some major bus lines.  And of course, he needed his own garage!  While the bedrooms are smallish, it's not a bad size.  And would have been perfect for him in the later years ......

But none of those plans worked out. 
For now, no decisions. 

After It All Comes the Chores

It's Saturday, a very long day with all that's been going on. 

I steeled myself to take the first step, took Brian's "papers" to his bank to close out his account.  After sitting there waiting for 30 minutes, the banker took me back, started the process.  I'm going to get a little snippy here ....  I think the woman needed glasses. She was trying to read the papers and kept easing it closer then further away.  To top it off, she was entering data into the computer - but her nails were so long, she couldn't type and had to keep correcting her mistakes.  She would glare at the screen, lean in for a closer look, correct again.  Then she said "I'll be right back, I need to make a copy of this."   I make copies of stuff all day long at work, it shouldn't take 10 minutes!  When she brought it all back, she handed it all back to me and said they can't do anything until 30 days have passed since Brian died. 

Talk about being a little perturbed with all this!
I hope next time I approach the bank, it will be with someone else.

On top of all that, work called because they couldn't do something ..... they're not trained? they don't know the procedure?  Hello... can't you look it up like I would?????  And frankly, as much as I like my co-worker, sometimes she's .... just not all that.  It's very frustrating to know that the next 48 hours they are doing things they're not used to doing, and making mistakes.  Come Monday, they will expect *me* to fix it all.  I tell ya, it makes me want to call out sick!!!!

The rest of the day has been pretty much a bust.  I've been trying to keep busy.  I tried binge watching some Netflix.  I tried cleaning the garage.  Brian's room.  The dining room.  I managed to vacuum and then steam mop my floors -- we had 3 dogs in the house last weekend, all weekend long!   So it's nice having that done. :)

Tomorrow will be another long day.
Having to make decisions about what to do with Brian's stuff has been plaguing me.  I don't want to create a shrine in his room, but at the same time, his guitars and his Metallica art hangs on the walls still.  His dresser still has his wallet(s) and his pocket knives.  There are two jackets hanging in the closet, along with a long leather duster-style coat - I think the guy in the Matrix wore one like it?? Then there's the stuff in the garage.  Tools.  Bike Parts.  It'll be a process weeding through all of that stuff as well.  My nephew Anthony is the mechanic, maybe it will all eventually go to him.  For now, I can't part with it. 

I am putting his school papers in page protectors.  There are some really cute things he wrote about for some of his writing assignments.  I found old test scores and he scored really high in the mechanics of language.  I take that to mean he understands sentence structure, etc.  And his writing style of "telling it like it is" makes me smile.  He's a lot like his mother in that way.  Along with the mechanical way, and of being orderly -- a nice way of saying borderline OCD when it comes to lining things up and staying organized.  lol

I miss my son - there's an ache that doesn't go away.
Will it ever?