Never Stand Down

Dear Brian,

No matter what day it is, most days aren't easy.  When I'm at work, I'm wishing I could be working on things at home; when I'm at home, I'd be happy to be at work having something to do that doesn't remind me of you every where I turn.

I've finally been able to work in the backyard.  But every time I do, in the late night hours, your image comes to mind, the one where I found you.  It's horrible and I want to cry. Scream. Rewind. But none of those are possible, or productive.

"No matter the hardship nor the loss, Never stand down. Ever."

That's kinda where I'm at.  I know that no matter what I do, it won't change anything.  I can sit around and mope, cry, scream, or hit something.  But the real fact is you're not coming back.  You won't just wander through the front door and say "Hey Ma" any more.  Every day I make a little more peace with that.  It's a process, and sometimes a struggle, but I can.  Because you asked me to.

Since "projects" are what keep me sane at home, I bought a gallon of paint and started painting the baseboards and doors.  It's been five years since I did it last -- where does the time go ??  I got the 5 doors in the hallway done, the front door and the baseboards all along the front wall.  It helps.  And looks good at the same time!

You kept odd bits of mail and stuff, and every now and then I'll read one.  Sometimes it's only a page or two of an incomplete letter.  But here's the gist of the one I read today:  The GF was wrong for you on so many levels.  Alcohol I can understand more than I can the drugs.  But anything to excess is bad.  And you can't fix that for anyone (except yourself if that's your problem).  It's like pulling a wagon up hill -- you can't do it by yourself all the time without stopping for a break.  And a person who abuses drugs or alcohol usually adds weight to the wagon you're trying to pull, and it becomes too much to bear.  If only I had known.  But I can't second guess at this point. 

I can only try and ease my own pains now.  Mostly by writing you letters, or writing your little stories out.  You led quite the amusing life :)  You will be forever missed by me.  You were the reason behind most of my decisions, from where this house is located, to how to make sure it'll be paid for so you would always have a place to live.  I pray that you've found peace, son.

Love,
Mom

The Bottom Line

I want to be important to someone.

I want to know that I matter.

That's always been the bottom line.

I thought I'd found that.

"Frog, you gonna be all right?"

"Yeah.  I'm always all right."

~Smokey and the Bandit

I've always called myself a survivor.  I've always been able to "pull myself up by the bootstraps" and do whatever needed to be done.  But I had young kids depending on me int he past; I needed to do what was right, in order to do what's best for them.  Somehow, it feels different this time being a "survivor".  Because I don't have to be.  I can allow myself the freedom to do nothing, to wallow if I choose.  I'm not that type, usually, but I could be.  

"How about you, are you all right?"

"Oh, I'm always all right."

"Is 'All right' special time-lord code for... 
not really all right at all?"

 "Why?"

"Because I'm all right too. " 

 ~Dr Who

Some folks who know me, have told me that I'm a strong person, that I have confidence.  And I beg to differ.  Maybe they say that because they see me taking action.  For a long time, I've lived my life with the credo that sometimes its better to make a decision and act on it, even if its the wrong decision, rather than do nothing and wish later that you had.  That being said, I'm also a firm believer when it comes to making decisions that you weigh it all out before deciding. And if you haven't decided by the end of the day, sleep on it one night; the answer may come to you by morning.  Maybe even in a dream. 

 A strong woman knows how 
to keep her life in line. 
With tears in her eyes, 
she still manages to say, 
“Nah, I’m fine.”

I've made my share of mistakes along the road of life.  The worst ones having to do with relationships.  Perhaps that's because relationships are based on emotion and not upon facts.  And yet, all things considered, would I do it differently?  Even in bad situations, there are good aspects, good moments, to keep in your memory bank.  Even if you loved them wholly, and they didn't love you back in the same way.

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be all right

~Keith Urban, You'll Think of Me