Letter of Updates

Dear Brian,

It's Tuesday today, and I'm off work tomorrow, which makes this sort of my Friday?  and it feels odd not to eat pizza  (haha old family joke!)  Moments go by, sometimes hours even, when the entire hurt of thinking about you isn't first and foremost on my mind.  And therein lies my original fear:  that you will be forgotten.  Truthfully, I know that you're not forgotten by anyone, but like me, they're moving on with their lives and stop using the internet as a touchstone to your accounts.  But it doesn't stop me from making sure my thoughts are written down. 

I once thought that they would be here for you and Tee to read when I'm gone; that my so called "wisdom" would be passed down.  Or that you would know more about me than ever before.  Now that you're in heaven, I'm assuming you know it all now. 

My thoughts are muddled at the moment because I was awake at 1:40 am, and didn't fall back asleep until after 4am.  So I'm tired after working all day, and the Melatonin I take to help me sleep kicks in quickly. 

I'm traveling to Grandma's next week.  I'm sure trimming the tree will be a part of the agenda.  It will be extremely difficult to be there without you.  Sadie will stay in a Pet Hotel, because I can't drive with her in the car any longer, so I'm flying in and out.  Short trip, but needed.  I told the family that I don't want to "do" stuff when I'm there.  I'm content to just hang out and actually rest.  I'm going to bring Grandma a puzzle, and all the old Dr Seuss books for Zane. 




I look at your photos often,
even watch the video I made
now and then. 
I still have a hard time watching the portion
of you playing Freebird. 

How I miss you. 

Every single day.



Love,
Mom

The Feather

On a normal day off, I end up doing household chores - because owning a home means there is *always* something that needs be done.  Sunday, I was in and out of the backyard, trimming a bush, cleaning the patio, just letting Sadie out.  Things were cleaned up and looking good.

Late in the afternoon, I was letting Sadie out and I noticed a feather standing straight up in the rocks. Right where I found Brian on the day he died.  I was shocked and my mouth dropped open, I looked left and right, then back at the feather.  I couldn't help staring as I felt myself covered in goose bumps. 

I grabbed my camera and immediately took a photo so I didn't think I was imagining it.

Today, I checked on Google and found:  "Additionally, white is the color of angels, and thus if you see a white feather, it is the angel feather, a sign of protection and faith.  Seeing a white feather could be a direct communication from the angel to pass a message from your deceased loved ones, that they are well and safe in heaven".

This makes me smile.
I'd be happy to know that my son is safe and well in heaven.

I love you always, Brian!

Love, Mom