Before and After

As we reflect on the year that has passed, and anticipate the new year, I read a phrase worth pondering today:  Before and After. We all have those major moments:

Before high school graduation and after.

Before we were married and after.

Before we had children and after.

Before a parent died and after.

Before Grandchildren were born and after.

Before we retired and after.

All of us have major life events, and there's always a before and after they've happened. And while the events may or may not change, there's still before and after.  

But it's not only major events for this thought process.  As you ponder your resolutions, before and after could be as simple as before today and after today, before dinner and after dinner.  

I think we could make different choices if we include the smaller choices.  It could be as simple as thinking "before dinner I was busy but after dinner, instead of veging in front of the tv, I will take a walk." 

Major life changes always create a before and after, but little life changes could be good for us as well!  

What will your "before today starts" and "after the day ends" look like??

Am I a Redneck?

Today's walk in the neighborhood, I am always listening to randomness on my MP3 player ... yes I am old school!!

 As I walked past this flag, I heard "All you rednecks out there stand up and salute, While we play The Redneck National Anthem." (Released in 1976, Vernon Oxford)  I lived in Ohio for 10 years .... do I qualify??

Then there was this spiffy car ..... 

2204 steps, 8am, 59 degrees - track progress

Irony

Late Sunday eve, I kept repeating "patience, have patience" to myself as I groaned when my phone rang.  Mom.  

"I don't feel good".

I am never sure how to respond to that. So I try to break it down.  Are you having pain?  "No. I just don't feel right."  Nauseous?  "No. Kind of jittery".  Did something happen??  "They brought me my pills, but they didn't bring all of them."  Do you know what was missing?  "No. But I don't feel good now."

I get myself dressed,  grab the bag of her extra meds, and drive over.  Can't get in the facility without calling after hours.  I search out the med tech to find out what mom wasn't given.  Turns out, it was the anxiety meds.

Under the med techs watchful eye, I dole out meds for mom and head down the hall. When I get to her room, she's laying in bed, reading a book, looking totally calm and fine.  *deep breath, repeat "patience" to myself*

Handed mom her pills, she took them and I headed back home.  Crisis averted.

But this morning I'm chuckling to myself. She has always hated taking meds, always telling me she takes too many pills.  And yet the first time she doesn't get all of them, she launches into one of her anxiety episodes.  

Talk about irony!

A Sunrise Walk

Woke up today and said to myself, "Girl! Its time to do you!!"  So I got dressed and headed out for a walk.  Sunrise at 730am, 45 degrees, and it felt good. I kept it short on purpose, but that's ok. Build up to a goal, rather than burn yourself out after the first walk because you pushed too hard and end up with residual pain.  

Its easy to say, yep, I used to do 10k steps a day so I can still do that.  Nope, can't because I have spent the last 6+ months taking care of mom. She wants/needs company to sit with her. It wasn't enough knowing I was close and doing my own thing. She wants me to watch TV with her. Which means spending hours sitting, and more sitting.  

This new year means a new version of me. I want to do the things that used to give me pleasure again.  

Thats why I headed out for a walk.  And I liked it! 

1963 steps, 730a, 45degrees - track progress

Patience. Day 1

Patience and acceptance. Thats my credo for 2026. And its day one, sorta.  I always start a few days before the new year. 

But it took a lot of patience today. With Mom. Already.  It started with a text at 530am saying they wouldn't give her pain meds.  Frankly, if they gave her a pill at 10pm, she can't have another for 8 hours, that means 6am.  But she started trying at 330am. 

I sort of ignored her after she got her meds, figured it would all settle down.  However, the agitation of waiting caused her to have anxiety.  Anxiety causes stomach acid and it becomes a cycle of anxiety to acid to nausea over and over. By 2pm she called me in tears wanting me to "do something". 

Now I'll have to make an effort to be there this week when a doctor makes rounds because I know that she doesn't/didn't tell them about her anxiety.  A doc or nurse comes in and asks how she is and "fine" is her answer.  They take that for truth!! And why wouldn't they?? 

I took her outside for some fresh air. But she wiggles and jiggles in her chair, anxious to get back to her room.  But 15 mins is better than nothing.  

Once she gets bogged down into this cycle, its a hard climb out.  She moans and cries, then covers her mouth as if she's going to toss her cookies.  Average time is 90 minutes to semi normal.

She asked for a pain pill and they brought it at 3pm. At 330, I slipped a baggie of graham crackers and another baggie of saltines next to her chair to nibble on. Maybe they will soak up some of the acid! 

Patience. Day 1. 

Old Junk, Hidden Trinkets

Cleaning out Moms house is a chore! And Im laughing because I know we have to go thru every.single.thing.  and I know that because I was looking for some medical receipts in her files and found the photos shown below. An 8x10 B&W of Gary Cooper and Clara Bow.  *blink*  why?? and why??

Then under a box where mom had turned the lid over and set the box within, I found 3 old notes I had written back in 9th grade.  That was 1973!!!  They were apologies after I had been suspended for smoking in the girls' room.  (lol)  

Folded within her panty hose was a $50 bill.  It makes me wonder how long she's been "tucking things away", like a squirrel who hides nuts for winter.  

We all do things that might not make sense to someone else, or maybe we tuck something away to deal with later. But at what point is it innocent idiosyncrasies vs something else?  We were correct moving mom to a place where she can have help. 

Never an easy decision, and the elderly are cunning when it comes to hidng some of the deficits they may be noticing. Or not noticing!

Its been a wild ride so far, and there's still a ways to go.  But we've learned to be on the lookout for old junk, hidden trinkets! 

S.P.O.T.L.E.S.S.

The jingle of a morning text from mom greeted me again today.  "Bring my little vacuum".

Mom is never happy unless her home is spotless.  S.P.O.T.L.E.S.S.  in her new apt, she has dark floors, and every crumb shows up. She is also in a wheelchair with limited mobility, and housekeeping is a service included in her rent. 

Not good enough for her. She asked for a broom to sweep. And I asked what she planned to do after it's swept in a pile. She can't bend down to use the dustpan.  Then bring me a dust mop.  Where will you shake it out at?  So today, it was bring me the vacuum.

I guess thats going to be her solution. 

I'm all about her being independent and doing things for herself. But IMO, she should be taking care of her self, doing her exercises, getting herself to the different activities, not cleaning her apt so that housekeeping doesnt think she's.... *gulp*.... messy!?!?!

For a woman raised on a farm - and lets face it, dirt is a big part of that! - she seems overly obsessed with cleanliness and outward appearances.  No wonder she hated living with me.  

A country tune says "there might be a little dust on the bottle, but don't let it fool ya about what's inside. There might be a little dust on the bottle, but it's one of those things that gets sweeter with time."  

That's me. I'm not obsessed with a squeaky clean home. Yes, there is dust in places, maybe some crumbs on the floor, and probably a dirty dish and empty diet coke can on the living room end table. It doesnt stay that way for weeks on end (well, maybe the dust does!) 

But I'm OK with that.  She isn't!

Whatever keeps her happy. 

Patience and acceptance. This year's theme.

No Holiday Guilt

All the prep that goes into making it a Merry Christmas has become too much for me. We get busy buying, trying to find gifts for all the someones in our lives.  What makes some things go from excited to do it, to I'll do it but its lost the joy, to I'll do it but I can't wait til its over?

We've become inundated with guilt to buy more, buy the perfect gift, make a perfect meal.  

With everything going on, as the "oldest", I get the feeling that relatives might be expecting me to carry on some of the traditions. I used to be that person. But should I do that if it doesn't give me pleasure any more?? 

Over the years spent living away from my mother, things changed. Or maybe I just found my own voice, some of it through necessity.  

Holidays can look like anything you want them to be. In fact, they don't always have to be on the holiday themselves.  ie Don't wait until Valentine's day to tell someone you love them.  Holiday meals don't have to be a big production.  And for all of you struggling with time constraints to have one meal with his family then another meal with her family, why not spread it out? Declare the 25th of January to be one of those holidays?

Holidays should bring you joy. If the traditional way doesn't fit your needs, switch it up to something that does. Sometimes, there is joy in doing things "like you used to" but there's nothing wrong with things being different.

And I can tell this is a struggle for me, as well, because I've had to rewrite this several times.  Ok. Don't let someone else's version of holidays guilt you into doing something you don't want to do.  

On that note, even though Mom prefers traditions in a big way, this year, she isn't having Swedish Meatballs for a meal. I am making cheese tortellini with white sauce along with ham and peas. We are going to watch movies amd look at old photos I dug up and stuck in an album.  It will be a quiet kind of day, because that works best for her now. 

And I won't feel guilty about it. 

Numerology

Numerology is the mystical belief in a divine connection between numbers, letters, and life events, acting as a system for self-discovery and understanding life's patterns.

Are you a believer?  I like to dabble, and read up on things every now and then. Today I came across something that said if you add up the numbers on your house..... so I did.  And got "2" :::

It told me my house number 2 is moon energy.  

Vibration: Peace, emotion and relationships

Personality and Life: Ideal for families, artists. Brings harmony, creativity and emotional depth.

Caution: Can bring mood swings or over-emotionality.  Keep space calm and clutter free.

My house has always suited me. From the moment I walked in, it felt like mine. It isn't a perfect house, on the small side, appliances and finishes are basic. But that's never been important to me.  From the minute Mom moved here, she was all about "encouraging" me to upgrade the kitchen, the bathroom, the carpets. Ugh!

I like a home that functions, not looks good for company! 

So .... moon energy it is! 

Patience, Please

Every year, I try and pick a word that will help me aling the right path for the year. Last year was commitment, the year before was intentional.  But I think my "word" for 2026 needs to be patience.  

Because as I look ahead to the coming year, I know I am going to need a ton of patience dealing with Mom.

Friday's visit, she told me the nurses are wanting her to be more independent, to wheel herself to the dining hall, for example.  And we tried that while I was there. And she seemed to handle it fine. 

I didn't visit yesterday, and this morning she tells me she's having a lot of back pain from wheeling herself around, so "no more of that".  *smh*  When you start using new muscles, you will have some pains! But she's never been to a gym, so ......

She also tells me "Bring some checks. I should have already mailed [your brother's]."  I'm not even going to go there.

So.... patience.  

I've always heard it said "Be careful what you pray for, you just might get it."  In other words, if I pray for more patience, I may be given more circumstances that require more patience??? Yikes.

So.... patience. Please.

Photo Albums

Photo albums are a thing from the past. But should they be??  I've always been a huge picture taker, it started when I got my first camera at 11.  I think it was a Kodak Instamatic. 

Photos were displayed in an album so you could look at them, remember good times with family and friends.  But what will happen in the future when all our photos are on our phones?  No one can see them unless you share on a public venue, Facebook or Instagram for example.

I started taking mom's photo albums home to peruse. I created a Facebook group for family and have been sharing photos for 5 years now, so that the younger generations can see their family histories. 

Once I started digging deep, I found Mom had envelopes with names on them, one for each of us kids. So I took those photos and put them in an album. Then I found another spot where she had stashed another set of envelopes with our names, photos of each of us inside. So those were put in the same album.  

In yet another place, I found a cardboard box with about twenty 11x14 photos in them. Some I had never seen!  And while it may be sacrilege to resize them, I trimmed to fit in my 12x12 album. Now they can be seen!

I'm going to share the album with mom on Christmas day. Will give us something to do. Maybe she will share some memories. 

 

Texting & Punctuation

Sometimes I dislike texting. To me, its writing ...... use good dialog and punctuation!! Otherwise your texts look demanding. And grouchy! 

Its a pet peeve with me.  And I know you younger folks will disagree.  All the little acronyms (iykyk) look a little strange when you're texting with someone who doesn't get the lingo!  Maybe I shouldn't let texts get to me.  I put up with it because it's a quick way to relay information.

But its the texts from mom that irritate me. If she's not complaining, she's demanding.  But thats her baseline irl as well.  We can be sitting there, and she says "get me my book".  Then she waits until I am sitting down again and she asks to get some cookies out of the drawer.  No please and thank-you's.  

And maybe it irritates even more because she was that mom who forced us to say the please and thank-you's, to always be polite and ask. And now she doesn't.  

So I endure the texts,  and with a semi smile, do what needs doing. 

But when I send a text, its full sentences and good punctuation.  Because commas and exclamation points can change the whole meaning of a text! 

Fears

Everyone has fears, even me.  Typical ones, like falling. For me, its standing on a bridge and jumping into the water.  I have always loved water, jumping in, so I avoid bridges to avoid the sensation/desire. Not too bad, in the bigger picture.

I visited Mom today, and her nurses are wanting her to pick up the pace, learn to get herself around in her wheelchair.  She has resisted so far, preferring to sit and let someone push her while she waves to folks.

Me, if I was wheelchair bound, the first thing I would take charge of is my mobility. Then I could go to meals or sit outside on my time.

Mom has always wanted to be in control, but in control of people.  Even today, 15 minutes after telling me she's supposed to be more independent, she began issuing orders. Put this here, get that, move my chair. Happens most days.

So I stood out of the way and let her wheel herself toward the dining hall.  It took a bit of time, but after we finally got there, she admitted her fear: finding her way back to her room.  I assured her (yet again) that the hallways make a complete circle, she can't get lost.  She's been making the same trek to the dining hall for more than 3 weeks.  And was still afraid she'd get lost. 

From wherever your fear comes from, talking about it, admitting it, and letting someone else help can solve a lot of problems. Next visit, I'm letting Mom give directions. Maybe it will help ease this one fear.

Addicted to Books

A million things to do, so many things that need taking care of, and yet here I sit, scrolling on my phone, finding good books to read.

I have a load of laundry I just moved from the washer to the dryer, and as I wait, I could be doing other things. Yet the call of a good book to read is something I find hard to resist!!

I am currently reading Greg Iles' novels. I enjoy his Penn Cage series, they're hard to put down!!!  But something about his writing draws me more than the story. I think it has to do with how he adds realism to the stories. There's the story of the characters, but it doesn't jump back and forth from events to dialog.  There is also the thought process in between, lines like "Life taught me long ago how thin the veneer of civilization really is...". His Penn Cage stories are set in the south, and you get a feel for a different way of life. 

I am currently reading "Southern Man", but I have two more of his novels queued up!  Its been above average warm (80+ yesterday!) here in the Valley of the Sun, maybe I'll read and eat lunch while I sit in the sun today!

Holiday Choices

I was thinking, or maybe it was more like comparing, my life to my mother's life. Mostly when it comes to holidays. 

My parents left their families behind in MN and moved to Calif in 1963. The only Christmas holiday they spent there was in 1970. Otherwise, all our holidays were spent at home. Even when we shared holidays with family or friends in Cali, it was always at our house.

Am I trying to make a point? Yes. Mom didn't care for her parents or Dad's parents as they aged. They didn't spend holidays choosing between one house or the other, one family over another.

I guess my point has more to do with choices being "forced" on me.  I can choose being with my mom in assisted living with no other relatives visiting her, or driving to see my daughter, granddaughter and great granddaughter. I know which I would prefer. 

But can I do that and not feel guilty?? Even if I can get past my own guilt, will she make a point to make me feel guilty the next day??

It just doesn't seem fair. I may have to make a point of saying "I'm here with you this year, but I won't be here next year."  I wonder if that would fly?? 

Mondays

When I worked, Mondays were always the "struggle day" when going back to work.  Now that I'm retired they don't have the same impact. And yet.... the struggle seems to stick with me.

I am trying to slowly back off visiting time with Mom. So far, every attempt to skip a day visiting means I will get plenty of texts.

Today, I brought her a lamp I repaired. I only stopped in to drop it off, told her she was having a PT nurse visit.  She said OK. But when the nurse got there, she had left and went to the dining hall for lunch.  Lol. The nurse called me, then mom texted me. 4 times!

Even though I didn't spend much time with her today, she sent me to her house to find a few things. So I am not sure it counted as a day away from her!  Haha 

For me, every day seems a struggle lately. There's not an escape, I just have to do what needs doing. The doing is ok, its the emotions that surround the rest of it thats hard. Her house, her money, her appointments... all of these things I have to keep track of for her. Plus all my own stuff. Add in the holidays and its just too much. So I find myself frozen to the TV instead of taking care of me. But that could be a whole post on its own! 

Needless to say, Mondays are still a hassle!

Stress Seems Less

Stress can make you crazy!  Especially during the holidays.  There are always too many things that need doing, along with the other normal things that need to be done on a daily basis.  So how do you handle holiday stress?  Do you try to spread out the "jobs" that need doing?

When there isn't much money, you invent ways to be creative.  I saw one woman who was going to a "white elephant" gift exchange.  She wrapped up a dustpan -- leaving the shape obvious!  But what you didn't know until it was opened there was a gift card taped inside.  I thought that was pretty creative! 

When I was raising six kids, there was NEVER enough money to go around.  So we would draw names, then our entire clan -- all 8 of us (or more) would head to the local dollar store.  Each person was given $1.25 (to cover tax!) and had to find something for the person they drew.  Most times, it ended up being something silly -- like one son bought his grandpa a tiny drum, because he always says he wants to learn to play !!   When he opened it, we all got a really big laugh.  

When I was shipping gifts to my nephews in another state, one year I bought them all a paddle ball -- you know, rubber ball on an elastic string and you tried to bounce the ball, counting how many times you could get in a row.  It was a silly gift, but kept my 4 nephews busy for quite a while!  (they were teenagers!)

Finding a way to lighten your load during the holidays helps make the stress seem less.  Drawing names for gift giving reduces the number of shopping trips.  Having each family bring a portion of the meal could ease the cook's stress.  Don't let "the rules" of a holiday overshadow the enjoyment of a holiday.

My mom's big on "the rules", and frankly, I'm not sure if anyone gets past the stress that creates.

Find a way to make the stress seem less. Bend the rules, or break them if you have to! When you look back on memories, you will remember the people you love, and the fun you had. 

Happy Holidays!

Christmas Prep

Once I started working retail, my enjoyment of the holiday season decreased every year, bit by bit, so that eventually I got to the point where I didn't even put up decorations at home. 

I haven't put up any this year, either.  And I have no idea what the holidays will look like for our family. My brother is in NV, and mom is in assisted living, its going to be a strange holiday. I know I will be keeping her company at her place.  

I thought about taking her to my house, but her wheelchair won't fit in any of my bathrooms.  So we may not even have a meal together, as she only has a kitchenette.  Unless I cook up something and bring it over.  *sigh* 

I tried to do some wrapping, but that went start and stop.  I had a premonition and started buying a few weeks ago. But sadly, some of the gifts for mom were solar decor for her yard.  And now, no yard. Time to regroup!

Happy Holidays!

I Won a Prize!

When I was in the 5th grade, around 1969, Sunday School classes had a contest. We were asked to memorize and recite the Ten Commandments. The memorizing part wasn't difficult, but reciting them out loud in front of someone was terrifying for me!

But I did it!!

My prize was this charm bracelet with Commandments written on each charm. I wore it proudly each Sunday, but that stopped as I became a teenager with attitude!

Back to the 1980s

It's weird what you discover a parent keeps. I'm in the process of cleaning things out at Mom's, and even though I helped her pack and move three years ago, I am still amazed at how much she still has!  I think I counted 48 kitchen towels!  Haha

I opened a cupboard and found the steak knife set I had given them back in the early 1980s!!! I had just barely gotten out of high school, newly married, and that meant stepping things up when it comes to Christmas gifts.  

This was also back in the days when we would go buy a few porterhouse steaks and grill them up for dinner!   Yummm! 

I definitely don't mind that she saved photos, but it will take some thinking as to what or how to handle them.  Keep them intact? Or sort them by family and share??  I know I'll be posting the best of the best to our family Facebook page. But Mom kept every single pic anyone sent her over the years! And we're talking a LOT of years!! 

Maybe I should celebrate this find and cook up a steak to enjoy!

Accumulations!

Thats what I'm calling this stuff: accumulations.  I am at moms waiting for the bug spray guy and Im looking at all the stuff left behind. She can't take it all with her.  

She has one son, one daughter, one granddaughter and five grandsons.  Grandsons arent much interested in having grandmas stuff.  Theres not a lot I'm interested in, either. 

So a little overwhelming to speculate who is getting what.  Some of its obvious, trash or goodwill.  And I'm taking all the photos (genealogy is my thing!!) 

But mom was a collector. Major collector! There are two sets of China, fostoria crystal, two sets of silver eating utensils. And she never went with "eight is enough" . They are ALL sets of 12.  *eyeroll*  In the old days, you had china for special occasions and holidays. But these days, folks just don't do dinner parties like they used to.  So what do you do with this stuff??? 

Some china used to appreciate in value.  But it only happens when someone is willing to pay for it. These days, kids dont want "Gramma's old stuff".  Me??  I'll take any and all photos! Here's my folks, dressed for square dancing, early 80s. They loved it! 

An added side note, mom sewed all her dresses and matching neckties for dad! 

Do You Get Stuck?

I'm tired a lot, and I know I keep harping about it here.  My apologies!  

But Thursday, I woke up and I just couldn't seem to get myself motivated!  I layed in bed -- partly because the house was so cold! -- and just played games on my phone.  

So is that being lazy? Practical? Ambivalent? Or just hiding from the world?  Probably all of the above. 

Procrastination.  Yeah. That too.  

Getting up means getting on with the day, getting on with the tasks, and getting things done.  And my gut is so queasy, has been for weeks now.  Having to make decisions that affect mom's life .... UGH!  Because what I choose isn't always right in her eyes. Or maybe her negativity means there is always some portion that is criticized, even if its mostly the right decision.  

A typical example of mom's mentality. Weds she complained that the nurse gets her up at 7am.  Friday, she complained they didn't get her up until 8:10.   How can you keep a woman like that happy???  She finds fault with a lot. As I left, she said "i love you, girl." And I'm wondering if I should be offended..... am I reduced to being "girl"??

Trying to help her live her best life becomes impossible at times, and interferes with my best life.  There are no easy answers and at times I feel stuck.  I arrange my days as best I can to do what's best for everyone.

The holidays are going to be very different!

Tired of Being Tired

There is so much going on. That doesn't seem to be going away any time soon.  I'm tired of being the one holding all the strings. 

I spent yesterday cleaning and cleansing my own little world for my own peace of mind. I thought I could have a day away from my mother for once.  

But no!  I get a text "are you coming over i cant get the tv to work hope you can fix it" then a few minutes later "what about the bed are you bringing that"  

By this time all I can do is an *eyeroll*  I can't just pop over to help you turn on the tv, and the bed was delivered to Dave, you'll have to ask him.  But I went like a good daughter and then sat there watching a soap I dont follow for an hour.  WTF?  I don't have the time or patience for this.

Nearly a year ago we discussed her going into assisted living.  And I told my brother that all she would do is sit in her apt, all alone.  And I was right.  I dragged her ass around the facility, took her outside. Then up the elevator to see the theater room, the gym, the game room, the library. 

I'm tired.

That was my Monday.  Tuesday we had a notary come over.  With all these changes, my phone rings constantly with numbers I don't recognize. I don't answer most. Thankfully, the important ones leave messages! Items are being slowly completed and maybe this Rollercoaster will slow down.  I need it to!  I'm tired of being tired.

Last night, I watched Mr Holland's Opus. Yes, I've seen it many times, but its a good movie. Watching good movies are a very fine way to escape from the pressure. It may be short lived, but its something! 

Cleanse & Move On

Up and at 'em early today to clean my house. And extra layer of deep cleaning after someone was in here.  I also have some sage to smudge about to cleanse.

But I got to thinking.  My mom has some deep seated fears formed in her childhood. And apparently she hasn't ever gotten over them.  So I keep finding it odd that she asked me to bring her the picture of the farmhouse she grew up in.  If it was full of bad memories, would you want that around?   Maybe seeing it on a daily basis doesn't give her comfort but agitation?

Heck, I'm no shrink, I couldn't begin to hazard a guess.  Just trying to use a little logic and/or common sense.  

As for my own house, sixteen years ago I signed a pile of papers. This is the longest I've ever lived in one place!! I'm not going to let that someone who had the nerve to invade my personal space affect me. 

I will clean and cleanse and move on.

A Break In!!!

Today I visited mom for a few hours.  I've been busy moving her in all weekend, and haven't done a thing at home.  When I drove up, I noticed my garage door was lifted 6 inches.  That was weird.  I don't open the door unless I'm taking garbage cans in or out.  

The front door was locked, I opened with with a key and pushed it wide open without entering.  No sounds, nothing looked out of place, but I walked in carefully.  And noticed the back door standing wide open.  At that point, I should have stopped and called the police.  But I didn't.  I walked in and closed the backdoor, then walked around, checking things out. The only thing out of place was my bed covers all strewn about.  

Then I went into the backyard, the screen was removed from the spare bedroom window.  Thankfully there are sticks in all my windows ao they wont slide open.  

I walked around some more. I checked all the closets. I checked the garage again.  What could they have been looking for??  Nothing worth much in here. 

Except my peace of mind. That's a little shaky at the moment!!  

I use my art to calm myself, painted a little ATC card while watching Pretty Woman.

Losing Me

Every person has different experiences in life, and different coping mechanisms when life events are happening.  People, in general, believe that others are similar to themselves. Someone who's honest has a hard time believing a person would tell lies.  

I've always felt I was different from most people, though, and see things, feel things, that others don't.  But maybe that's being more self-aware than being different. And maybe I'm not as different as I think.

Damn maybe Im not saying this correctly. But the thought that occurred to me recently is that I have allowed the situation with mom, and her negativity, to creep into my life so much so that I have put aside my own feelings.  And I have a lot of resentment for allowing that to happen.  I left to free myself from all that in 1998.  I was so looking forward to retiring and being able to explore that side of me without the burden and pressure of work stress. 

But all I did was change one (work) for another (mom). But work stress was easier to deal with.  When you punched out at the end of the day, the worries were over.  I am not allowed to punch out with mom. There is also not a day off.

And I have to take it back. I am losing me.

Added to the Mom complication is my brother who ... always seems to have an agenda.  Dad collected coins. As a teen, my brother stole them for drugs.  Now he's taken the collection dad built back up. He also took moms fav picture, which was her hiding place for cash.  *sigh*  

Not that the money matters to me.  I just know what happens to families when they fight over money.  My mom hasn't spoken to her brother in 20+ years because of money. They hired lawyers to fight the good fight.  Lawyers got paid, but the family didn't win against the brother who finagled the land and cash.  For that reason, I will never fight over money.

Just another way of losing me.  Correcting that loss 25 years ago meant moving to another state.  

Too Much Going On!!

My stress levels are off the charts.

I am exhausted.  I was handling my house and stuff and mom's house and stuff.  Now mom's moving to assisted living, and I'm trying to be upbeat and positive for her so she acclimates to the change well.  

My brother and his wife are living in mom's empty house.  We found another termite infestation, and the hot water heater quit today, and the shower faucet drips.  There was a bill for the ambulance to pay and I'm handling all that too.

Then the rehab center she's at f*ucked up sending the medical records so she may or may not be able to move on Friday, even tho the rehab facility is discharging her.  

Just what do they think I am going to do with her?????

Its all just too much! 

So I crawled into bed early, pulled up my current book on Kindle, (a Penn Cage series by Greg Iles) and tuned Spotify to some 432hz tunes to chill.  Because it helps.

Not A Foodie!

When it comes to food prep, I don't consider myself a foodie.  My sister-in-law makes a production out of meals.  My daughter is much more a foodie than I am.

I just don't see the point!

I get it, though, that for some people, preparing food makes them happy, or relaxes them.  But for me, prepping food is a chore.  And maybe that comes from cooking for a family of 8 for so many years.  

I have come to like basic, undoctored foods.  Yes, flavorful food should be enjoyed.  But is there a tipping point?

My SIL cooked yesterday. All the foods were flavored very well.  I enjoyed them for the 30 minute meal ..... but I wasn't enjoying how the spices and such kept me awake for the next 5 hours.  Onion and garlic, especially, don't agree with me any longer. 

And no amount of water, juice or diet coke, nor brushing my teeth (5 times now since dinner!!) washes away that aftertaste. 

I admit that for most, my food would be considered bland. And I don't spend hours in a kitchen.  In about 40 minutes, I meal prep for the next 4 days! A little salt, a little butter, and maybe a small dash of pepper is all I need. 

Does getting old mean becoming boring???

Family and Holidays

Its the holiday season, and most of us are surrounded by family.  It can be overwhelming.  At least for me.

Many years ago, I left family in Cali to move to Ohio.  Getting away from family had its good side, and bad side.  I found I missed the memories .... the happy things that were easily remembered.   But I didn't miss the weird drama that went along with holidays.

Mom had expectations, and a standard of behavior that was difficult to maintain.  People often disappointed her, but only because she was so rigid in her expectations.

And now its a crazy year of holidays with mom in a different place, and I'm at mom's old house with my brother and his wife, and my nephew.  

Its amazing how different we all become as we grow into adulthood.  Does that mean I am becoming like Mom?  Nah, because I have my own traditions that aren't like hers.  And when it comes to holidays or celebrations, I am not conventional.

But its still easy to note the differences, and if you're like me, sometimes wish you were somewhere else.   I have been on my own, and mostly alone, since 2004.  And when I don't celebrate in conventional ways, it confuses others.

Mom lays a lot of value on things, I'd rather have experiences. Take a walk, watch the stars, listen to water tumbling over rock.

We're all different.  So if you're stuck doing some kind of celebration that doesn't feed your soul, take time out to do you!! 

De-Stress

How do you de-stress????  

I've never been the kind who turns to alcohol or drugs.  I'm not a fan of not being in control! (That's one of the traits I get from mom!) For me, music, a good TV show, a walk, read a good book... all the usual things work most of the time.  But lately??  The past couple days??  Nothing seems to work.

I drive my car, usually listen to one or two different stations.  But I couldn't settle on any station today. I scrolled through every station my car would pick up and nothing seemed to fit.  

Leaving Mom's, I didn't drive straight home, I stopped off to see my brother. Spent an hour chatting with my sister-in-law.  That didn't help as much as I hoped either!!! 

Now it's 530pm and I just crawled under my covers and turned on the heating pad.  Maybe that, along with a good book, will do the trick and I can fully relax.  *sigh*

Breathe in -2-3-4  Hold -2-3-4

Breathe out -2-3-4  Hold -2-3-4

(and repeat .... )

It's Fall, Y'all

Took Mom outside for a breath of air. 

As she sits in her wheelchair, 

the sun on her back, she dozes.

The home has decorated for fall!  

Boxing Things Up

Moving mom to assisted living isn't easy so far, and won't be easy going forward if she doesn't embrace her new living arrangements.  Yesterday was full of tears and anxiety.   It's strange that after being told she would be moving, her first thought was about her china dish set!!  

It's up to my brother and I to determine what she will want in her new apartment. Of all the knick knacks she has laying around, what will be most important??  Hard decisions!!  

But harder yet ..... if she doesnt like our choices, will she demand to have something different??  Ok, thats not a valid question, I know she will!  

Shit, shit, shit.  This isn't going to be easy!  We've decided to try and make a start on it today.  Boxes, tape and post it notes at the ready!!  Let's go!

Regrets!

This morning, I am regretting the ice cream!!  Too much sugar overload and I was unable to fall asleep, so I'm tired this morning. Too much lactose doesn't sit well with me either!!  

I have a million things that need doing, and I haven't a clue where to start. Some of the things can't be done on a weekend, phone calls and such.  Which can be frustrating. 

I know my brain never stopped all night. I remember dreaming I was showing the apartment to Mom, saying how this or that could go here or there.  All of the unknowns are racing through my thoughts and I'm never a fan of that!

But we will get through these days and hopefully Mom will be happy in her apartment!

Decision Made!

Its been an overwhelming month dealing with Mom in rehab.  The ups and downs, dealing with fears and tears, finally came to boil. She is being discharged next afriday, so we needed to decide on an assisted living facility.  Decision made on a small one bedroom apartment, cute place, somewhere in think she will engage in more than just game shows. 

She's not happy that she doesn't get to go home, but that just can't happen.

Now we have a week to move in some furniture, and get her settled.  Over a holiday. Yippee! 

But knowing there is an end in sight somehow feels like a huge relief!

I celebrated with a bowl of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia!  

What Was That??

I live alone. I sleep alone. Not even a pet. Back when I had Sadie the Pug, she slept on my bed, but nothing since. 

So I'm sound asleep, and I feel something caress itself across my bare arm lying on top of the covers.  I tried to grab at it with my other hand, because it woke me with quite a start.  But I grabbed nothing.

I laid still and quiet, listening hard to see if I could hear anything else.  But nothing.

What was that???       Totally WEIRD!

As an added thought, I checked Google and AI tells me:  "Feeling something brush your arm while sleeping is often a normal phenomenon called a hypnopompic or hypnagogic hallucination, which occurs when transitioning between sleep and wakefulness."

(I was a child of the 70s,  hallucinations were part of the convo related to drugs!)

Connections

In this world, there are odd connections, most you find by accident.  That happened to me yesterday again!

My next door neighbor's friend, Nancy, is an RN and she's been helping take care of him. He's 90, and recovering from a broken hip. We got to chatting and it turns out she lived in Oxford, Ohio, in the 70s.  I lived near there in the 90s!!  

We got busy comparing notes about summers in Hueston Woods, shopping in Cincinnati. Then she says she lived in Dayton for a few years as well!  

It's funny sometimes; if we could make an effort to know someone, we would find we have more in common with folks than we thought! 

Take a moment, reach out just a little bit, see what connections you might find! 

Who's Cranky??

How do things go for you when you're cranky?  For me, its as if every. little. thing. makes me crazy.  Drivers.  Weather.  Chores.  And yes, Mom. 

While I am trying to be .... patient and helping her get things done, I feel tired of being, in a word, her lackey.

Every day, its always something. Bring me earrings. Bring me nail kit. Bring me a book. Bring me a long sleeved shirt. No, jot that one, its too big, being the other one next time.  The problem is next time is the next day.

Take yesterday. I had just left rehab and stopped at her house to fill another "Bring me" list and she texts me 3x "did you bring me a book?" "The iPad stopped working." "How do I get the game shows back?" When I didn't answer her text, she was calling me and leaving voicemail!!!

I can't live her life, and she has grown too dependent on me.  She knows how to play the guilt game.  And yes, I allow it.  But why? This is a woman who was *very* different to me growing up, so much so that I moved away to Ohio. 

And as I look back, I keep thinking I was mich happier in Ohio.  But maybe I was just happier being away from her.

Sadly, that doesn't bode well for the next whatever years left to her, and drains me. By the time she is gone, I will be an old woman who might need care, too.

And yes, I am cranky about it!  

I read that being cranky is a temporary kind of emotion, but when it becomes all the time.... how do you handle being cranky??

Good Friends

I'm sure you've noticed that with some good friends you've had for a long time, even if you've been out of touch for a whole, its easy to pick up right where you left off.

I met my friend, Mel, in 6th grade. We went to Jr high and high school together.  We were friends as we began our working careers, had many different adventures together. Our friendship has endured my moving cross country and back. Both of us have had miscellaneous health issues over the years. 

And yet we remain friends. 

Today, out of the blue, she called me, and we caught each other up on things. She's moving to a larger apt in a nicer neighborhood. She listened to me b*tch about my mom and her ongoing crises. 

There's just something about good friends that doesn't quit. You share so much history, remember the same people, the same events.  She volunteered to drove the escape car if I didn't want to go thru with my wedding.  That's true friendship!! 

Sometimes you don't have to express the entire thought you're having because they just get it.  We're both growing older, maybe at some point we will live in the same city -- or even share a house!  (Wow, because I haven't lived with someone in over 20 years!)

That's how it is with good friends!!

Making Decisions

Do you like making decisions?? All of my life, I have been a decision maker.  It was a running joke at my Ohio Walmart. We were working as a team and stocking shelves. For some reason, there was a dispute about which items needed to go to the floor. 

I'm never one to speak up much, but after listening to the many voices, I spoke up and said "Someone just make a decision!"  For years we laughed about that!  

I figured once I retired. I wouldn't have to make so many decisions. Then Mom moved here and stopped making her own decisions. It was slower in the beginning, but got to the point where she doesn't make any phone calls, and if she dreamed up a wish for something, I was expected to make the decision how to make it happen.

Now that she's been in a rehab/nursing home, there are a million more decisions to be made.  I have not made many, and am waiting for my brother to arrive.  

I'm so tired of making decisions! 

Thursdays!

On Thursdays, I have PT.  And lately, thats been the greatest day of the week! 

For one hour, I am focused on me. The rest of my jumbled life fades away and the only battle is for me to do better than I did last week. 

A short warm up, some deep stretches, table exercises, then the sled, the shuttle, some step ups and side steps. 

I know that I could make better progress if I could do more workouts at home, or hit the gym.  I am trying to squeeze in some time between the mom stuff, but there are so many things that need to be handled. 

I handle all of her "house stuff", banking and shopping. Along with all the same for my house.  Then there are 3 hour visits each day. Its a little bit overwhelming at times.

I'm worried about her state of mind, but with our history, I don't mention much because she feels criticized. Its a fine line between us.  Like today, she wants to go out but waits until I am there to wheel her out. She also waits to watch her soap operas until I can run the iPad for her.  I brought it so she could occupy her time when I'm NOT there. *sigh*  

So I just keep my thoughts to myself,  do what I can for her in my visits, then head home.

It ain't easy being me!

Rehab Woes

Moms been in a rehab facility for 3 weeks now. I'm not certain how well its going, because she doesn't do much for herself. I dont know if something else is going on that has caused her to lose rather than gain back her strength and abilities. And maybe she's just giving up on herself and her circumstances.

On the other hand, she still refuses to eat in the dining room, refuses to wheel her own wheelchair, and yet is still trying to maintain her .... dignity? Vanity?  

She asked me today to bring her earrings and her nail care kit.  Yes, I know that as women, we try to look our best, to feel our best.  But if you don't participate with others, do you really need earrings and polished nails?  

Maybe its me. I'm not into all that, never was. My sister was. My mom is. But its never been a real concern for me!  Don't get me wrong, i like looking "nice", on occasion, but I have never been one who has to look "just so" before stepping out the door.  Someone else's opinion of me makes no never mind! 

Before the earrings request, I thought she seemed to be losing interest in her normal things. 

This ain't so easy to deal with!! And knowing I will be making decisions for the rest of her days is harder than I thought. 💔 

Assisted Living

I thought being in a home would be a help. And in some ways it is. I know I don't have to go over and sleep at mom's because she's having anxiety.  So that's a plus. 

But there are so many other things that aren't as easy.   Like, they are giving her physical therapy but for what? Standing?  A good thing so she can use the toilet alone. Or walk short distances. But she can't. So why aren't they teaching her to use a wheelchair? 

She should be wheeling herself around, eating in the dining room with other folks. Taking herself outside if she wants to.

She sits in it like a queen. I gave up giving advice because she calls it criticizing. We all know you have to move your body.  She doesn't. She either just sits or just lays. 

Even during sleep, I move. Sometimes I wake up and do light stretches. When I am awake, I don't just sit all day. I move, even when I am sitting.  

So is this a sign she has given up? Quit caring?  On the other hand, she asked for her embroidery and deck of cards. Along with dry shampoo.  *sigh*  

I don't know what to think, and I don't know where its all going. 

I did, however, stop and do my first tour of an assisted living facility.  If she wasn't so infirm, it would be a great place! Her own apartment, with a sitting area. Fridge, microwave. But meals are served by staff in the dining room. Beautiful courtyard, a media room where they gather to watch sports or movies on the big screen.  Bible studies, church on Sundays, mobile doctors, vision, dental. Hell, if I had money, *I* could live there!  Its beautiful! 

I havent, however, told her I've started looking. Or that she won't be going home.

432hz Alpha Waves

I don't remember where I first heard of 432hz but it was a couple months back and I had just started using Spotify.  I found this one titles "432hz Alpha Waves Heal the Whole Body."  Boy did that sound good to me!!! 

I've listened to just over 6 hours of the 11 total.  The sleep mode on my phone shuts it off.  But if I don't turn on sleep, I get other noises, so I'm torn.  But when I'm really stressed, this is great to listen to.  

Sometimes I let it play while I'm reading before bed. Other times, I use my ear buds if I'm not interested in mom's game shows or if something stressful is happening. Which seems pretty often lately!

My intermittent fasting app uses AI to chat, and it (she!) suggested relaxing tunes and walking to reduce stress.  Weird but when I walk, its with hard rock beating in my ears. 

I know it all goes hand in hand - eating right, reduce stress, exercise - but the days end up feeling so "scheduled" that there's little time for other stuff!  

There are a number of different 432hz  available, or try searching EMDR. Its all the same principal, finding a sound wave that resonates to heal your soul.

A Day Off!!

As I told Mom yesterday, I wasn't coming for a visit Saturday.  I know she wasn't happy with my choice, but I can't live out of laundry baskets, I need to eat more than sandwiches as a meal.  I've been with her 2+ hours every day for the past three weeks. 

It occurred to me last night that maybe she has become too dependent on me, and that should change.  Even if it's a slight change at first, she needs to adjust.

The episode with the wheelchair on Friday is a perfect example.  She's not well enough to wheel herself yet she thinks she can go home and live alone?  

Some major decisions are coming upon us.

As to what did I do on my day off?  Cooking. Cleaning. Things checked off my TASKS list, yay!  And, of course, a little of bit paint time on my ATC card collection. 

Day After PT

So I'm driving home from visiting Mom and my phone rings, its my DPT Jeff, wanting to know how sore I am after the pounds error on the sled. For the most part, I wasn't too sore, but it made me smile that he checked up on me!! 

As for Mom:

Can you put a pillow behind my back?   (Shes nodding off into a nap .. if you're tired, get in bed?)

Can you move me out of the sun, I will get sunburned. (Its been 6 minutes, she's wearing long sleeves and a jacket. And shes in a wheelchair --- move yourself!)

Can you get me a tissue? (They're on her bedside hospital table, pull it closer yourself!)

When did she become so ... needy? Was it not noticed as I was younger? Or did dad cover all that up so we didnt see much of it?

Lately shes not very likeable.

And while I know that I can't change her, she won't change, I find myself trying to figure out .... maybe as a way to predict what will be next? But it doesn't work that way with her.  And since I am with her every day, it is what it is. 

Parents are weird to figure out. Which makes me wonder what will be when *I* am old with my daughter looking after me?  Man, I hope not like this!!

When I left, I told her I was taking Saturday off and will see her on Sunday (she seemed shocked!).   We will see how this goes! 

Google Tasks

Have you tried using the Google Tasks app yet?  I only just recently learned of it, and decided to download it to my phone. 

My thinking was that it could help me keep on top of my household chores. And with mom in rehab, I'm also having to take care of her household, her errands, and her banking.  So that's a lot to keep track of!

I found I was letting my own things slide. That's not new, I have been doing that since she moved to AZ, because she is the "I want it now" kind of person.  

For a while, I was just jotting things in Calendar.  So if ahe wanted something, it was "check my calendar".  Works for dr appts but not daily life tasks.

So I have switched to Tasks. I like that I can schedule "clean the bathroom" and also to prompt it to appear weekly, or daily, and posts a reminder on my home screen. At first, I was ignoring them, justifying that I need to do other things instead. But I've gotten into a rhythm, one or two chores a day, and forcing myself to pay attention, to do just that one thing. 

And it feels great to check it off as an accomplishment!!  As these are the things that give me those good feels at the end of the day!!  If you haven’t tried Tasks, maybe you should!! 

PT Then Mom

PT went great today!!  I will be a little sore tomorrow, but I feel so good!  My usual is 80lbs on the sled (push and pull) but I asked him to increase the weight. He said let's do 95. Only his math was off and he loaded 125lbs!!!!  And I did it! But I was totally exhausted from the effort.  Next week, we are trying 110lbs. Hehehe

*side note: a HUGE groan when I finally crawled into bed!!!

Then its on to Moms, where she's already in bed. Said she's "doing great, she can stand". Uh huh.  Can't do much else than stand, though. But she was in "a mood" today. Sit down and read while I nap, she says.  Then, Can you bring my jacket over here? Then, can you shut the door, its noisy today.  None of the commands are together while I'm still standing.  She waits about 5 mins in between each and I've settled into my story.  Its a control thing with her. 

And I begin to wonder how the next real convos are going to go. I am not patient in the decision making process with her.  I know she will try to convince a doc that I can live with her, help her.  No. Can't. Won't. 

We will have to find some sort of geriatric doctor type person to evaluate her physical status along with her mental status. Yesterday, she wanted to know how the election went and if Trump was voted in. Then she wanted to be wheeled outside, which I dont mind, but she sits with a smug look as if "see I'm the queen".  Weird that she doesn't speak to anyone, or greet people passing by. We were in the courtyard maybe 2 mins and she was dozed into a nap.

I spend time reading online about these kinds of decisions. Be patient and include them in the decision making process. Emphasize health and safety.  But I can feel a wall already up. Because I have spent the last 8 months being her caregiver. I know that what she says isn’t what she means and squirrels it around to her way each time. Every time.

And I hate the fact that since her father lived to be 104, She. Could. Too.  Do the math, that's another 17 years.  Of this? 

I'm hoping my brother, who arrives nov 16, will be a help.

Ice Cream Slip

My downfall is B&Js Tonight Dough.  And I caved on my grocery order this week. With all of the stress caring for mom, I just had to have something for me. 

Ben and Jerry's hits the SPOT!

I portioned it out, didn't make a pig of eating the whole pint in one sitting. But it was just what I needed to help with it all. 

Which speaks volumes about my history of eating habits.  Stress drives me to comfort foods.  Easy to grab foods. Junk foods. None of it very nutritious! 

Time to get back on track. To pay penance for my indulgence, 5000 steps today, 1.2 miles on the treadmill. Tomorrow I need to add more water.  

Just a minor setback in the bigger scheme of things. But I can't let it get out of control!  Good thing I have PT tomorrow ... I will have him up my workout a notch. 

On Eggshells

Walking on eggshells is a phrase that has been tossed around a lot.  You hear it from folks who grew up with violence in the home, being fearful of doing something wrong.

While there was never violence at home growing up, there was always a feeling of not doing something right. Mom preferred perfection over other things. Hmm. Perfection? Or is decorum a better word? Yes, it is:  behavior in keeping with good taste and propriety.

I can remember us kids at dinner, and something would set everyone off into a spree of giggles. And mom would be the one to scold us, ask us to behave, then threaten us with going to our rooms.  We were kids!! And kids laugh.  Parents didn't.  

A prime example of our version of walking on eggshells.  We didn't learn from them how to enjoy life, to savor moments of joy. Decorum was more important. 

Caring for her when she is in the throes of an anxiety attack and saying ugly things, I am fearful of saying the wrong thing, sometimes preferring to say nothing at all. But I have learned that I need to remember my own value and not internalize her criticisms.  Which isn't easy, as parents were always the authority!

Life is hard walking on eggshells!!

Like A Yo-Yo

Yesterday's visit to mom was surprising. She was sitting in her wheelchair! And surprisingly alert. We watched a little bit of Dancing with the Stars,  and then I wheeled her outside for a bit of sun.

She is 87. We had been out there for about 10 minutes, and she was wearing a short sleeve shirt.  And she says she wants to go inside, because she's had too much sun.  *eye roll* She doesn't like sun on her skin, which I find weird, always have. But, up to her.

I showed her the dining hall, where she could eat lunch with other people. And her response was "oh no, my hair isnt done, and I'm not wearing very nice clothes."

Even in her troubles of mental acuity, and being unable to concentrate on books or tv shows, she still cares what other people think of her. And so, she is willing to stay in her small room, speaking to nurses or me.

She can be SUCH a contradiction: she doesn't want to be alone, but she doesn't want to be seen as less than her version of perfection. Its so weird to me, and after all these years, I don't try to figure it out.  But it still baffles me.

Two days ago I thought she was close to dying. The next, she's worried about how she looks.  The 180 turnaround makes me feel like a yo-yo.

Rhythm of Life

Some days I think back on living in small town Ohio, and I miss it.

I miss the 4 seasons, watching daffodils burst through when spring is about to arrive.

I miss winter snow... how it smells and crunches under your feet with every step. 

I miss small town life, little league, cub scouts, girl scouts, outings with neighbors and just being able to let kids have some freedom when they play outdoors.

And even after raising six kids and being crowded all the time, I miss sitting down around the table each night for dinner, having conversations. When there was nothing forthcoming from kids, we would draw a paper and ask whatever question is written down (ie what's your favorite subject in school and why?), and everyone had to answer.  Just to keep conversations open with each other.

I miss watching the kids rotate through their chores. They learned to get along with each other in different ways. 

I miss the repititon of mowing the lawn (120ft x 80ft), how it smelled different if you mowed early morning vs late afternoon.

I miss that rhythm of life!

Uneventful Day

For the first time in a week, an uneventful day. No weird texts, no strange phone calls.

Mom was semi alert until the pain became too much. Once she takes the oxcodone, she's out like a light.

Maybe tonight I can sleep without being on edge.

Elder care isn't easy.

Cell Phones

With everyone having a cell phone, I keep wondering if thats a good thing or a bad thing.  I can view it from both sides, and yes, I like my cell phone and the access it gives me!!

However, I am having issues with my mom having a cell phone.  She is in a nursing home, and her mind is ... sometimes slipping.  Today, my phone rings at 6am, and its her.  "You have to get me out of here!"  You can't leave until you're able to walk. "Its so cold."  Push the button and ring for the nurse to get you a blanket. "I did, they never come.  I tried calling Jake. Maybe I'll just have to call the police."  (While on the phone, I had her push the button, a nurse was there in 10 minutes.)

By this point I am rolling my eyes!  I don't know what to say, I don't know which words will set her off.  I remind her that its still dark, but the sun will come up soon. And then she will get breakfast, and her morning meds.  

Then comes the heartbreaking "How could you just leave me here? You're my daughter, you should be taking care of me."  I remind her that I will be there later in the day. "Yes, but then you just leave, you should be staying with me."   

What's the right line to draw?  I didn't answer the phone the first time she called. It took a couple minutes before she called again, maybe she really did call Jake.

So, should she have her phone so she can call any time and heap on the guilt? Or worse, call the police and be a disruption? 

Most of the time, I'm all for cell phones!!

Brittle

For some reason, the word brittle came to me today.  Its not a word used often in today's language.  But that's what comes from reading many books, you come across words, sometimes unexpectedly, sometimes causing you to picture something in your mind.

So today's word was brittle.  In its simplest form, meaning something easy to break or shatter.  Old glass can be brittle.

But for me, it immediately brought Mom to mind.  Which caused me to check its meaning and found: " (of a person) appearing confident and cheerful but nervous or uncontrolled within."

Mom has always been a mystery to me, she holds many secrets not spoken of.  When I was in my early teens she once told me she had a child after me, before my sister, and it was a boy.  I can't recall the context of what we were doing or talking about when she told, except that she appeared to blurt it out and then probably regretted it. And its never been spoken of again. And maybe she never told my sister, definitely not my brother. When I mentioned it, he was very surprised!! 

But that is a fine example of mom being brittle.  On the outside, there are smiles and doing things "like they should be done", but there's always been an undercurrent I could feel, or sense. 

I knew in my teens I never wanted to be like my mom, and worked hard at it. But being raised in that environment, I know that I do have some of her tendencies. I hope no one thinks of me as brittle.  Its not a pretty picture. 

So with the word brittle in mind, I visited Mom. She is having pain, didnt get out of bed today.  And constipation--- I have reminded her from the day she moved here to drink more water, but she just can't seem to remember.  Or else she sips all day.  Not enough for this dry valley, IMO. 

She was in better shape mentally today, but it went downhill in the afternoon and the text read "can you help me. Call right now." And when I call her, she's not herself. Wants me to come back and sit with her.  I try to talk her "down from the ledge" of her confusion, remind her dinner is soon, then bedtime. 

Call me in 2 hours she tells me.  Not a habit I want to start!

Chaos

Life lately isn't easy. There are many things going on in the world around us, but my world has become taking care of my house, mom's house and mom.  It can be exhausting at times, so other things are ... left for another time.

The one thing that saves me is my art. Its only creating on paper the size of playing cards, but fueling my creativity helps.

Only today I realized just how much my life comes out in art.  It isn't planned, it just happens.

My latest card is "Chaos".

Life's Hard

After falling and breaking 3 ribs, mom was sent to a rehab facility.  She's been there 5 days and has had a wide range of craziness. From my understanding, when an elderly person is moved from their home to another place, it confuses the mind and takes a bit before they come to grips with things.  

After some crazy up and down convos with her,  yesterday I thought she was pretty lucid; having some belly pain from being constipated, but not unusual for her.  Conversation was good, but she really misses her cable tv! 

Once I get home from visiting with her, I struggle with finding ways to "shake off" the effects.  So far I haven't found a routine that works for me, thinking I should switch it up and take a walk at a park to help my own state of mind. But back to the story.....

Yesterday, I was just settling into bed when I got a text from her.  "Need help. I'm being held against my will by Sunnyvale police. Call me."  *blink blink*   talk about freaking me out!   I called, she mumbled through some things. I reminded her to look out the window, its dark, time to get some sleep. Then she mumbled some more, started crying and hung up on me. 

I know she's being cared for at the facility, but I sure didn't get much sleep after that!

Small World

Just a short observation today. When I was visiting Mom, there was a guy who was running a floor scrubber.  I've seen him off and on, thought he looked familiar. But with 15yrs at the same walmart, lots of folk begin to look familiar.  

But he stopped his machine and asked if I worked at walmart.  Turns out his name is Jerome and we had worked at the same store back in 2019/2020.  

Small world sometimes!

In another note: Mom was better today, more lucid, but having a stomach ache (constipated!)  The flip flop turnaround from day to day is exhausting!

Spoooooky

Mom is in a skilled nursing facility, she has declined quite a bit in the past week. At times it has seemed unbelievably fast.

I visit every day. And there's something different every day  .... and while its sad and disheartening, I am trying to find smiles in the midst of everything.

Today, I was sitting near mom and she started talking, saying "I saw Jimmy Lee, and told him I needed more time, maybe a week or so."

This has me flabbergasted. My cousin, Jimmy Lee, died Nov 2018. I have no idea what part of this is ...... did it really happen?  I have no reason to doubt her. Its just a little bit spooky! 

In A Bubble

Lately, my life has been lived as if I'm in a bubble.  I realized that yesterday as I was giving directions to my son-in-law.  Old school would have me saying "turn right at Burger King" , the points of reference would be restaurants or stores.  But instead it was this doctor office, that hospital, all indicating that my recent "bubble" has been reduced to places I had been taking Mom. 

I know that I know that I know things should be different, need to be different, if I want my life to be different.  

I'll never be the one who says "lets go sky diving" and probably not the one who takes spur of the moment vacations.  Maybe I should think smaller ... trips to the local park, and maybe move up to day trips. 

There are a couple different quotes on this same theme:  Jack Canfield Quote: “If you want something different, you are going to have to do something different.”  and a Jim Rohn quote:  "If you want things to change, YOU have to change. If you change, everything will change for you.”

Small steps + small changes = big changes!

Its a process!

Joyous Day!

My son-in-law drove up (with my daughter) and today, he replaced my garage light!  I haven't had a light in the garage for 2+ years. The fluorescent bulbs burned out (or so I thought) and I bought LED tubes as replacements, but they didn't work. Wrong kind? A ballast problem?  I don't know.  So we went to Home Depot, bought a whole new fixture and he installed it.  My hero!

Then we headed over for a visit with Mom. She seemed a little more out of it than yesterday, but maybe she had just taken meds.  I'm not sure what the weekend schedule is.

We stopped for lunch at Togos.  I used to eat at Togos in Cali back in the 70s .... and its still just as good!  I had a California Club (#36 if you're a regular!!)

Just a little out of my ordinary is a good thing!!

PS Edit:  when I drove past Togos on Monday, they had closed up shop, papered the windows and took down the signs. So happy I got my Togos on Saturday!!

Ordinary Wonders

"Finding magic in ordinary days involves cultivating mindfulness and gratitude for life's simple moments, such as slowing down, appreciating small gestures, and finding joy in daily experiences. It also means creating magical moments by trying new things, celebrating small wins, and taking breaks from routine."

Some days I feel like I've lost the magic I had.  Or rather the ability to feel that magic around me.  Breaking from routine seems to give me the most trouble.

And maybe acknowledging this, and writing it down will help me focus my mind back to these things. 

I can make excuses that I don't have time, but reality is that I need to make time. I have become so involved in "helping" mom that mundane chores between her needs, her house and my own chores takes over.  And in that, I have lost myself.

Today was the first time I had been to PT in 8 days. I considered canceling but I am allowed my own life, too.  And I felt better for going!  Mind you, I will be a little stiff in the morning, but its worth it! 

I should probably start back reading my book, Romancing the Ordinary by Sarah Ban Breathnach.  Short daily reads to help appreciate the wonder of the ordinary things around us. She focuses on the senses: In addition to the five familiar senses, Breathnach introduces the concepts of a woman's intuitive "knowing" and her rapturous "wonder."

Thats what I want back .... that "wonder" !!)

My latest ATC card, advice to myself!

Time Will Tell

So Mom is in a rehab facility. They had her up for PT this morning and it caused her blood pressure to drop, she turned white and nearly fainted.  They put her back on bedrest and will try again tomorrow.  

I tried asking her about it, she said her leg was "stiff".  Yesterday she was able to use her walker from the bed to the bathroom. Today it was difficult to stand, walking was out of the question. 

I don't know what all of this means for her health. Its one of those niggling worries.

Time will tell.

Oh Snap ....

 ....  no hotties for me today!!

Mom has 3 fractured ribs, and in pain when she tries to get out of bed or a chair.  The hospital is helping us find a rehab facility so she can get stronger. 

Until all the i's are dotted, the t's crossed, she will be in the hospital another night.

My hope is that she realizes this is for her own good, to help her gain her strength. I'm sure that deep down there's disappointment that I didn't volunteer to be her caregiver 24/7 but I couldn't lift her yesterday when she fell, I wouldn't be able to lift her any other time either. 

I know she wants to be home.

I would too.

The 8 Hotties

At my age, hotties is kind of ambiguous. I can look, but thats about it! 

So I went to moms today, see how shes doing. She says shes tired, but seemed to be getting around ok. Until she wasn't.  Hobbling along, she turned and her leg went out and boom, down she went!

I tried to help her up, but I was afraid of hurting her. She tried standing on her own, but no luck. She only got as far as kneeling as she leaned against the seat of her chair. 

911 to the rescue!  Four cutie firemen came and helped her up, talked with her, she seemed to be doing ok.  So they left.

About 30 mins later, she says she's having pain. She's not very good at describing pain, but thought she needed the hospital.  

911 to the rescue!  Four different but just as cute firemen came to take vitals, to talk to her, to see about the pain. After being wishywashy in her answers, and her inability to stand on her own, she thought they could help her to my car.  Um. No. Ambulance please!

I was afraid that the seat belt might cause more harm. Or that I couldn't lift her out of the car, into a wheelchair once we got to ER. 

So, vroom, off she went!!! That was more than 90 minutes ago, and still no word. 

So we just wait. Again.

Hospital Stay

Yep, they kept Mom, admitted her to the cardiac floor, as they found a blood clot in her leg. 

But she is still her typical self, whining about getting out of here.  The minute I got here, she started insisting I go to the nurses desk and get checked out.  Sorry, not how it works, gotta wait for the doc to give the OK.

But in typical mom fashion, here's how it goes. She presses the button for the nurse. Nurse comes in, says she's busy with another patient, and will return.  20 minutes go by, and Mom presses the nurse button again.  When I asked why she did that, she replied "in case the nurse forgot".  *eyeroll*

That's how she is, how she always has been, and what I've lived with, grew up with. All her way, all the time.  I wasn't here when the doc made early rounds, but I'm guessing she insisted on going home "because my daughter will take care of me."  *sigh*

I am not a nurse, she expects care but only on her terms. She asks for advice, I give my opinion, and then she cries because she feels like I'm criticizing her.   She also gets mad when I speak up at dr appts, wants to know "why is tell them all that".  Um, because you should never lie to your doc by omission.

A lifetime of dealing, and I'm getting tired. I even had a dream I was at the Grand Canyon and went over the edge.  Ugh. Horrible but must have a bit of meaning.