Finding Time

 

Ever feel like you're running out of time?

Or that there isn't enough time?





That has been my issue lately.  I am awake often during the night, and that becomes a problem.  Too tired the next day compounds the feeling of not having enough time.  One of my solutions in the past has been to make lists.

Having a To Do list helps you focus your energies where they're needed most.  But if you're "on task" at work 8+ hours a day and come home to another To Do list to keep you on task for the remaining of your day, where do you find down time?

It seems like everything is culminating, so many points that may be converging, the task of getting all the things done in the right order can be daunting.  I'm trying to have a more mindful 2017, that's my goal, but at the close of this year it feels as if that isn't going to be.

I'm growing older by the day, and now my sister has stage iv pancreatic cancer.  I'm getting a strong "nesting urge" to downsize as much as possible and I've been doing that with some of the "stuff" I have around here, going more minimalism if you will.   But there are issues I have as well.  My sister lives near my mother so it was natural for her to take over and help Mom with the new level of banking (online and all that), along with doctor emails and online forms, etc.  If Mom outlives my sister (ok, that sounds a little brutal, but I need a place where I can be honest, and yes, this is it), what will happen?  The online stuff and cell phones make it possible to do quite a few things long distance.  But what if there comes a point where Mom needs more?  Then what?  

Another concern is Mom being a collector.  She has lots of "stuff" and she really likes her stuff!   She isn't very willing to part with her things.  How will I handle that from this distance?  Rent a dumpster? Have a garage/estate sale?  There are so many issues to be determined and handled.  I know that my parents tried to give us a big helping hand by having a living trust and all that, but there's still so many other details!!    Aargh!

Since I'm a keeper of many notebooks, I think I need to make one just for this stuff, to write down questions and issues, get answers, names and phone numbers of things that may need to be taken care of.   Just having answers might keep the middle of the night questions at bay and I'll get sleep again.

The other side of me is freaking out, every little ache and pain is amplified in my mind and getting in to see the doctor can't happen soon enough!   Jan 12th, I'm counting down !   I can see why people seek out "miracles" -- reminds me of the early 20th century where men came and sold "snake oil" to folks, remedies to help a body feel younger, healthier, or any other positive spin on the signs we all get as we keep getting older.

The Steve Miller Band had a hit in 1976, "Fly Like an Eagle" and the chorus reads "Time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin' into the future".

I want to fly like an eagle, to the sea

Fly like an eagle, let my spirit carry me

So I think I'm gonna grab that notebook and start making some notes, let the worries sit there in the notebook until I have or find answers, and make a little more time for the things I want to accomplish in 2017 -- maybe then I'll feel as if I can "Fly like an Eagle....." 

Attitude Counts!

This is one of those weeks that feel like it's in limbo.  It's the week between two major holidays.  And while I'm thoroughly enjoying the drive to and from work -- different traffic routes for some, others are off work, schools are closed, so less traffic for me -- I'm also feeling a little edgy from the whole limbo feel.

Part of that, and probably the main part, is my own attitude.  In my job, this is a huge week.  So many things are being returned by our wonderful customers.  My work load is at the very least tripled, and yet the wise leaders of my BigBox store have decided that instead of 40 hours, we're all getting 35 hours to get the job done.  Um.. Hello.  That's not going to work for me.  It's a huge stress to feel the need to be "on fire" at work for an entire work week in order to hustle and get the job done, and in less time than normal.  I'm definitely feeling the pressure.

I think others are feeling it too -- I was pulled into the office for a confab with the boss, she wanted to know why I wasn't saying "good morning" to her.  Well, wake up!  How can it be a good morning when you over-ride my knowledge of my department and how it needs to run and shorten the work week by 10 hours total in my dept?  And why are the panties in a wad over that fact?  Half the time when I go in, I don't get a good morning from her either.  Most times, it's an off to the side discussion of something that's going wrong, with very little positive input.  It gets to be very frustrating!

But.  Since the powers that be know what's best, I'm sticking to my schedule 

as that's what's been drilled into me 

for the past three months.  

And I'm smiling as big as my Sadie does 

as I walk out the door each afternoon 

an hour ahead of my normal time!! 

The Holi-Daze

Here we are on the other side of the whole Christmas ordeal - and I'm grateful, because it's quite an ordeal at work.

On the lighter side, I spend the holidays alone.  It's been this way for more than 10 years, and at this point, I prefer it.  Even though I'm alone, I'm not lonely.  I enjoy being with myself, and this year because there were two days off in a row for me, I got a major chore completed.  I painted my bedroom, changing it up from a girlish lavender to an elegant "silvery moonlight".  I even went so far as to paint the ceiling the same color as the walls.  It gives a very cohesive look, and I really like it!

Sometimes I worry about the whole "alone" thing, not for myself, but for how I'm perceived by others.  It makes the next work day a little difficult with all the "how was your Christmas" questions, but I can smile and say it was great!  Now it's time to put the room back together - and my new thing is being minimalist.

Most people who hear that word assume that it means a person lives without "stuff".  But for me, it means eliminating the 'stuff' that doesn't add value to my life.  For a long while, I was a huge collector of 'stuff'.  But as I get older, I realize that having stuff means there are more things to dust, to clean, to take care of, and I want less of that!   Where to draw the line?  I go back and forth sometimes, but every time I finally let go of something -- boy does it feel good!  There are things I will be passing to my children - keepsakes with meaning, etc - and doing it now, rather than waiting until they have to sort through my things after I die, I get to enjoy watching them use these things now.  And there's a great comfort in that!

I recently got rid of some old clothing that for some reason I'd been saving - and what a huge relief it was to let that go! Old corning ware dishes that I bought when I was in high school to fill my Hope Chest -- three marriages and several moves later I finally realized that I can let it go!

When it comes to my art, I find that I'm attracted to black and white photos, and adding minimalism to it just makes it that more appealing!  Perhaps it's a hint of my own intuition of my future, but that's OK with me too!

I'm Losing It!

I am an early riser.  My alarm rings at 4:40am, and then it's get up and go, stuff to do before heading to work.  I do my hair and face, then dress.   This is a normal routine and I bet I could do it half asleep.  And maybe I was today.

After getting dressed, I decided since it was raining to use the restroom one more time before going out into the cold (yep, I always feel as if I gotta pee when it's too cold!), so I put on my glasses, checked my email......  I keep spare reading glasses in the bathroom for those times when I forget to bring my own --- do some people still call it the "reading room"?? -- and for some reason, I took off my glasses, and hung them next to the spares.

I grab my coat, slip my phone into my pocket and reach for my glasses which I keep next to my alarm clock while I'm sleeping.  Uh oh, they're not there!  Thinking that I'd fallen asleep with them, or took them off and laid them on the pillow next to me, I started tearing apart the bed - pillows flying left and right, covers piling up at the bottom of the bed.  Pulling the mattress away from the wall, finding the flashlight to look and see if they slipped down between the bed and the wall -- damn, no glasses?!!?!?!   Aaargh!  A look at the clock and I realized that I'm going to be late for work, but I can't work without the glasses!  One last dash around the room, and a peek into the bathroom --- sheesh, Yep!  I hung them there with the other spare pair.  

Two weeks ago I couldn't find my car keys, thought I'd left them hanging in the mailbox slot, usually I hook them to my belt loop --- after 10 minutes of frantically searching my purse, I discovered they'd been in my hand all along!

Every now and again I think "Yep, I'm losing it!"
Thankfully, I wasn't late for work!!

Alone .. Not Lonely

The first day of winter.    The Holidays are nearly here.
Finally!
and then they'll be done.

All the hype and crazy-ness really get to me this time of year, and this year is just a little bit different.  I'm finally OK with saying "yes, I'll be alone for the holidays, but not lonely".  Maybe I'm weird, or just a little bit off center, but that's ok too.

I follow a blog by LonerWolf and today's posting was 50 different ideas what to do when you spend Christmas alone.  There were several things I agreed with as to the why's of being alone:  all the hype, people spending money they don't have to give gifts to people (some they don't even like very much!) and then having to pay off the debts as the new year rolls in.  Ugh.  Then there's the Christmas Story, and Santa Claus, and traditions.

As I grow older -- and wiser, of course! -- I knew back when I lived near family, and didn't work retail, that it wasn't the gifts that matter to me.  It was spending time with family, creating memories.  But most of my family is "into" the whole gift giving thing.  I don't begrudge them that if it gives them joy.  It gives me very little to none.  Unless it's something I create.  I'm an amateur photographer, and I take many photos.  So my gift to family is to put those photos into a calendar collage and give that as gifts.  Years ago I made a memory book for my BFF of the years we grew up together, complete with old 70s ads, lingo and "remember this?" items.  I like creating things, I like being able to give gifts with meaning.

Since I started retail, every year Christmas has become more difficult, and about 5 years ago, I stopped trying to create some kind of family gathering/atmosphere because it became so full of stress that there was no room for the joy.  That's not what the Holidays are about.  IMO.

So this year for Christmas, I plan on watching "Christmas Vacation"  - because it makes me laugh!

I plan on painting my bedroom - "Silvery Moonlight" - I've already edged, and it looks awesome!

Some of the other suggestions from LonerWolf were:

Spend the day indoors as a nudist - hmmm, not sure that's MY cup of tea!  
Take a walk in a local park - Sadie and I will most certainly do that.
To be creative in some way - a slide show DVD just might be in order!
Or some writing - I'm currently working on some family history writings, and a story/book based on my life in the 90s.  (Ever tried to write so that your life reads like good chick lit?  It's not easy!)

So no matter what your own plans for the holidays are,
do what brings you joy and happiness - even if that means you're alone, not lonely!

Walking

I love to walk, and every evening Sadie and I enjoy a walk around the neighborhood.

This being the first day of winter, here in the Valley of the Sun, we never know what that will bring.  Today, it was cloudy, and humid (well, for us anyways hehehe); we had sprinkles earlier in the day.  As we walked, there was a slight breeze, and riding on that breeze was the smell of wet desert, and someone's wood burning fireplace.

66 degrees is a perfect walking temp, and we covered an extra half mile, just because!
(ok, I had to steal this, because it made me laugh!   It's so true!!!)

Irritated - and then some!

Here I sit, irritated and agitated.  When I get this way, I like to turn my energy toward cleaning, or a project.  This month's project:  painting my bedroom.  I'm taking it from a two tone lavender to a single tone grey called "Silvery Moonlight".   And of course, there are so many 'things' in my bedroom, for every corner I want to paint out and prep for rolling, I have to move or put away (or better yet, TOSS OUT!) all the stuff, then prep the corner, and put things (ie furniture) back in position so that I can function through the work week with minimal effort.

I woke up and headed for work this morning, going in on my day off so that I can get things arranged and out of the way onto pallets.  We needed the room because this is the big weekend for layaway pickups.  But work being work, the minute they see me, it seems like every manager needed me to do a project for them.  Um.  No.  I am here on my day off.  No projects.  But they insisted.   And I tried, but the largest project they wanted done, cannot BE done until Monday.  So I stuck a note on it, and slipped out the door.

I was planning on doing shopping, but nope, not in my own store.  I was too irritated and agitated to make logical choices.  So off I went, heading toward home.  And the traffic!  It's the holidays, and yes, our snowbirds are here.  Most of them are driving slower, trying to find their way toward the next stop - and me, all I want is my normal 'commute traffic' on the way home -- people who drive the same road at the same time, know their way, and some even know how to time lights.
Nope.  Not.  Today.    UGH

Then, Sadie.  What can I say.  I'm tired, I'm irritated, and I can't get her to settle.  All I want to do is work on my paint project.  Find her a bone.  Play fetch.  Sit outside in the sun.  Nothing lasted more than 10 minutes before she would be underfoot or in my face, wanting ... I'm not sure what she wanted all day long.    

Until 5:30pm. *evil laugh*   I was fed up with her by then, and snapped her leash on her -- time for a freakin' walk.  And not just one of those leisurely "sniff and stroll" types.  We marched on and on -- according to my phone for 21 minutes at 3.4 mph.     20 minutes later, and she's laying here, still panting.  lol  

Yep. I'm a mean doggie mom!!

Purple Ribbon

  

You never know the when and where

all you can do is your best,

to keep your hopes up,

your chin high,

and live life to the fullest.

My sister had a biopsy today.

Her original diagnosis:  pancreatic cancer.

She's only 54 years old. 

We have our fingers crossed, 

prayers winging their way to heaven, 

that the biopsy shows a different outcome.  

I'm sad, and anxiously waiting because she's my sister.

But when I compare the closeness my mother and aunt have,

I realize my sister and I aren't that close.  

I'm blue collar, she's white collar.  

We live in different worlds:  

I'm paycheck to paycheck, and she's always had money.

But that doesn't change the facts. 

What worries me most is how this will affect my mother.

My sister lives near her, and has taken on a lot of the decision making processes regarding doctors, how to handle the bigger expenses like real estate taxes and insurance, you get the idea.  Of course, just 2 short years ago, Dad died after a year long battle with cancer himself.  She was the one who took care of all his needs through all the chemo and other doctor related issues.  It's too soon for her to do this again -- and with her own daughter. 

My heart is heavy trying to figure out what's right, what needs to be done, what should be done.  I'm torn over the fact that yes, I could take a hardship transfer from my BigBox store and move in, take care of things - but is that the right thing to do? the fair thing?  Both my kids live here, and my son is special needs.  Yes, he's grown up, but there are still life decisions/issues that need a helping hand where he's concerned.   Can I handle things long distance?   I could fly up once a month like I did for the last year of my Dad's life, but my sis was always able to pick me up at the airport.  Now I'd have to find some kind of ride? Rent a car?  All these major concerns to consider.  A lot of travel will impact my own life as well, especially money wise.  So now is the time to begin thinking in that direction.

Good thing I've stocked up on chicken breast, brown rice and green beans!  I'm set for the next month as far as groceries go!   (sounds boring, eh? lol ) 

Which also brings me 'round to the next issue:  my own health.  Time to get to my doc, get things checked out, let him know the latest, and see what needs to happen for myself as well.  

You just never know - so if you're putting off your own doctoring ... don't! 

The Early Years

Some day, my kids may (or may not) find their way to this blog.

I've been writing things because at my age, "as one gets older, one's fears subside and what seems more and more important is to be known."

I stole that line from The Bridges of Madison County movie, an all time favorite of mine.  Francesca had a life changing event in the middle of her life that had her looking at her choices, her future; and while she chooses to stay with her own life, she wants her children to know about this, and leaves them a letter along with journals describing those four days.  This is the digital age equivalent of that for me!

I research genealogy and family history because the past of my grandparents is so sketchy, full of stories and half truths, and when it comes right down to it, there must be many skeletons in the closet to justify all the secrets that those who went before me have kept.

Even my parents, and I've lived around them for 50+ years now, had things that were their own as adults and individuals that us kids didn't know about.  Or maybe we were just young and involved in our own selves, not paying attention to them as real people -- they were "the parents".   Which makes me wonder what my own kids know about me.  I know that I probably raised them like my parents raised me:  best foot forward as a parent, putting their needs, their learning, their growing, above my own wants and needs.  To me, that's as it should be.  If I wasn't willing to do this, I saw no reason to have kids in the first place.  Which is why God probably entrusted me with special needs kids, if that's how one chooses to look at it.

Things might have been different if I'd stayed married to their father, if he and I had more things in common, if, if, if.  So many if's that don't really matter any longer, they're part of the past.  It wasn't all bad, there just wasn't enough good to balance it out.

Holiday seasons seem to bring out the reflective side of me.  I don't know if my kids wonder why I didn't stay with their dad.  We married when I was only 19 years old.  I may have seemed mature for my age, but in truth when it came to relationships, I floundered just like everyone else.  I was overweight growing up, and when I finally got a boyfriend, I thought it was forever - the only one I would ever have!  (see?  kids get dumb ideas!)  I'm sure that was a lack of self esteem issue.  But after we married, it was easy to see that we had different ideals on family and raising kids, and we stuck it out for close to 10 years.

We had our challenges with our kids, they had more needs than an average kid might have.  And it always felt like meeting those needs was left up to me.  When Tanya was born, my parents watched her.  I would get up and get ready for work, drop her off, pick her up on the way home.  Once I got home, it was time to cook, clean and get ready for the next day.  Here I'd be, tired and hauling the kid, the diaper bag and the car seat up the stairs only to find their dad sitting in his fav spot on the couch, TV on, with a Pepsi and a bag of chips.  And I remember thinking to myself "how is this fair? I work hard too!"  But I kept on keeping on.  It was a trip to visit his parents in Arizona that woke me up.  I got up one morning, Tanya was an early riser, and always rambunctious as she was learning to walk.  We went into the living room.  His dad walks in, snaps on the TV, grabs his coffee, sits in his chair, starts watching TV and hollers for us to "keep it down".   And I just couldn't see that as my future.

Does that make me a little nuts?  Intolerant?  Judgmental?

I know those are two simplified scenarios, but it was a daily occurrence and one I didn't think I could handle for the next 20, 30, 40 years.   I wanted to do more than work and watch TV as life went by!

Holidays, errr -daze

For The Sake Of Our Brother 

In a stable, in a manger

In the cold winter's air

In the arms of his mother

A child's lying there

In a city, in a village

Though the years have gone by

The child still remains

With the dream still close by

And each year on this night that child reawakens

And each year on this night that hope re-begins

That the dream he has offered might one day be taken

Trans Siberian Orchestra's "Lost Christmas Eve" has become one of my all time favorite tunes to play, to get me into the Christmas spirit.  It's become very difficult as year after year my holidays are spent working, prepping a BigBox store for the rest of the world to shop and create holiday magic for their own families.  I've worked retail for 16 holiday seasons now, and I've spent a total of two of them with family.  One because my father had been hospitalized in 2004, and 10 years later when he died.  Neither one of them were the joyous family gatherings they should have been.  Mind you, I'm not complaining (much!).  It's just a difficult life that anyone in any kind of service industry has when holidays are here, and we're not able to spend it with family.  

So thank you to those who provide services so that others can have their happy holidays:  

hospital staff, hotel staff, restaurant staff, retail staff, safety/city services staff.  

All deserve so much more recognition than is given!

 Family is the reason for the season!

Tired, but Thankful

Yep.  That's pretty much how it's been.
It's weird:  because I've been in retail for 15 years now,
I know what's coming this week -
the week from hell!
So I'm feeling tired in advance, if that's possible.
I took an extra nap both yesterday and today,
knowing that if I'm going to survive this week
in any way, it's because I got the extra rest
to make up for what will be missing between
Brown Thursday and Black Friday.

I know that retailers are catering to people who feel
they need to 'do' something after a big afternoon meal
on Thursday -- but they forget that in order to bring
people those products, it takes an army of retail workers
to get the job done in the weeks' prior - and including
Thanksgiving Day.

So to all of you who work retail -- and any other fields
who routinely don't have this weekend off --
thank you so much for giving up your own holiday
so that millions of others can spend money and make
corporations richer than they already are.

Of course, those heads of corps,
they're probably all enjoying the holiday with family.
Lucky them.

Be thankful.  Not just on Thanksgiving Day, but every day.

Holidays, Wanderlust, and Sadie

Here we are, in the full swing of Holiday prep .... well, ok, maybe not all of you.  But anyone who's worked retail knows that there's a lot of prep that goes into making a successful sale during the Brown Thursday / Black Friday events!   Truckload after truckload of product rolls into the store and it all needs to be sorted, priced and prepped to be ready to pull to the floor in time for the sale.  There's a lot of planning and execution going on - at the same time, trying to run a busy business with the day to day stuff as well.   Which in most cases means OverTime!  I rarely complain about any overtime that comes my way -- although I've been known to turn it down if they ask me to do something that I'm not thrilled with doing (culling produce comes to mind!)

But what also happens during this time of year is stress levels begin to climb.  And we all feel it.  I usually can get through the day without feeling the effects -- until I climb into a warm car and let my body relax a bit.  That's when I know that I've been holding in the stress all day.  By the time I get home, I feel worn to a frazzle.  It's about all I can do to toss a meal together and eat in front of the TV with my feet up.  This is the time of year when I think about a good friend who used to eat soup straight from the can with a plastic spoon.  (You know who you are!!)   Definitely no clean up!  And it's ready when you're ready.  I can totally see the benefit of that!  Since we've been in the warm temps up until today, it was easy to suffice with tossing some ham or turkey on a whole wheat roll and call that a meal.

Sadie doesn't let me drudge around too much, however.  She's constantly nagging me from the time I get home until sunset -- that's when we take our evening walk.  I've been forcing her to go just a little bit further than we've been doing because we both need it.  And it helps our sleep patterns as well.

Last weekend, I got an idea in my head and so Brian and I hopped in the car - with Sadie - and drove to Calif to see my mom.  I was there in October, but Brian hasn't seen her in quite a while.  Last time he was "home" was for Dad's funeral, so he was feeling the need to go.  With him along, there's no one to watch Sadie, so we opted to drive.  A missed exit on the freeway and we ended up 30 minutes out of our way -- but that's ok, I love to drive.  We got to see places we hadn't seen before.  And it created ----- no, it sort of jump started my wanderlust again.  I miss doing little road trips and checking out new places!

This weekend will be the only weekend in a long while that I'll have two days off together, what with the holidays and all, so I am hoping to make the best of it.  I'm going to clean/organize things so that there's very little for me to do after work, other than eat, and walk.  It's my goal for the next 6 weeks to reach a new level in steps counted on my Fitbit - 80k each week is the goal.  So far this week I'm at 77,372.   I can do those 3K steps in my sleep!  (Well, sort of. haha)

Fall .... into Holidays

I checked in here and see I haven't posted in several months.  Hmm.  I guess I've been a bit busy!

I traveled in October to visit with my Mom; her biggest wish was a walk in the Redwoods at Henry Cowell State Park - so that's what we did!

Lots of changes within the BigBox store, so work has kept me very busy - more paperwork added to my position, and each day I find myself struggling to find the most efficient way to get is all done and out of the way so I can do my "real" work.  lol   It works really well when I'm there in my BigBox store 6 days a week - but that's too much, so someone else has to pick up the slack when I'm not there.

Sadie has been as pesky as ever.  Lucky for me, my son stayed at the house with her while I was gone, so that worked out well -- for her.   She's quite the spoiled queen of the house!   Now that the weather's better here in the desert, we're out on our evening walks again.  Which is good for my chubby ass - and hers as well!

I'm fully immersed in family genealogy again.  I say again because it seems to go in streaks, and now with so many things on the internet, I've been able to unravel lots of different mysteries.  My grandfather always said his dad's sister's name was Anna.  Turns out it's Emma - and I found her!  A second cousin found me through some of the links and sent me a few photos of my grandaunts that I'd never seen, so that was exciting for me as well.  One of my plans is to take their facts and some of the tidbits, the stories, the family lore, and put it into book form.  Because some day, someone may want to know these things!   Or not.  Maybe I'm the last of my kind.

And no trip to California is complete without a stop at one of the beautiful beaches there!

Last weekend I used pieces of my disassembled entertainment center and built a new desk out of key pieces.  Of course, without the same drawers and cubbyholes as before, I'm having to find new ways to deal with all the paperwork that used to be tucked away.   It's amazing in this digital world that we still have all this paperwork, too.  Maybe it's time to rethink things again.

Holidays are coming up, and I'm not the kind to look forward to them.  Working retail means a lot of hours at work, little time at home, and after seeing Christmas decorations all day, along with the Christmas music -- who wants to deal with any of that at home??   I'll be working Thanksgiving Day, and the day before and after Christmas are mandatory -- not enough time to fit much into any kind of celebration.  But that's ok with me.  Once your kids are grown and have kids of their own -- holidays are for those families :)

Day Timers vs Old Timers

Sunday.  5:30pm.  It's been a busy day of doing ... nothing much. Usual chores to get ready for another busy work week.

I'm finding that I have a really good week if I take the time to jot down notes, thoughts, feelings, ideas .... whatever crosses my mind.  It's as if by jotting them down, they won't slip from memory, and that means a lot to me as I get older.  I fear not being able to have the sharp mind that I once had.  At the same time, it's very nice to let go of things I don't really need to remember.  I've always been a memorize-r of numbers.  Back in the 70s it was telephone numbers!   Thank goodness we don't have to remember all of those any more.  Other things like drivers license number, etc ... no one asks for them any longer, because we no longer write paper checks.   Again, thank goodness!   I bought 200 checks back in 2010 when I bought my house ... and I still have some left!  lol

But I still fear not remembering important things - things that I store in my phone.  If I lost it, I would feel lost for a long time!   Back in the day, when I was raising kids and juggling family, career, and everything that goes with it, I kept a DayTimer.  Mine sort of looked like this one ....
full of little notes to myself.  It made a lot of things easier, less decisions to make because it was "already on the schedule".  I suppose they still make them for the ultra-busy folks, but I can keep a month's worth of data/appointments necessary on a 3x5 index card now.  lol  Instead, I keep it in my phone - even better.

I know that in the scope of things, compared to my life 20 years ago, I now have a lot of free time -- but I also find that I need time to rest and recuperate after a long day of work rather than spending my time running around with errands, laundry, cooking and cleaning on a daily basis.  I can still do it - if I have to! - and given enough notice.  But gone are the days of impulsive dashing here and there.  A shopping trip to the mall for me can feel like a major excursion - not something I enjoy like I used to.  Have I come full circle, knowing that I don't need a lot of 'stuff' to deal with any more?  I liken it to having knick knacks - people still have them, and I have my share, but the more I have, the more I have to -do-.  They always seem to need dusting!

Using my blog as my journal - or my day timer - to jot down all these little self-notes is a good way for me to feel as if I'm keeping my sanity --- or at the very least, holding back the beast I sometimes call "old timers". haha

One of "Those People"

Yes, I am officially one of "those people".  
and I resisted for so long!
but ....  living in the desert means sometimes
you do things that quite frankly aren't logical ......

I bought a dog stroller.
Yep.
Always thought it was weird, but here's the deal:

I am a single dog mom.
I live in the desert where it gets too hot to walk a dog.


When my dog stays home 10 hours a day alone, she needs to see more than these four walls.  Do dogs get cabin fever?  My instinct - and experience - says yes!  Because there are some days when bedtime hits and that's when she wants to play again!

I always laughed at people who pushed their dogs in strollers.  Until I realized that at 100 degrees, the asphalt can feel like 150 on her paws - Can't exactly walk her over to the park to play in the grass like that!  Driving two blocks seems ridiculous, and staying home hasn't been a good option either.  I need to walk, I love to walk, it's my thing.  Truth be told, I feel guilty walking alone when my dog's been home alone all day.   Yep, I'm funny that way.  So this was my $100 compromise:  A stroller to get her too and from the park while I can get my own walking in as well.

I think she likes it!
I think this is gonna work well for us!
Even if you do say I'm one of "those people"!
hahahaha

Old Souls

Old Souls is an expression I've heard off and on throughout life.  And I've found over the years that I am drawn to old souls, as if recognizing an old friend, even if we've never met.  They are few and far between for me, and come in all kinds of ages.  Many of them are younger, and drawing into a relationship with them at my age can sometimes cause issues.   So I thought I'd do a little research and see if I can find some more enlightenment about old souls.

"The old soul doesn't see the purpose of pursuing things that can be easily taken away from them. Additionally, old souls have little time and interest for the short-lived things in life, as they bring little meaning or long lasting fulfillment for them." - LonerWolf

If you didn't know your chronological age, what age would you guess yourself to be?  When I was in my 20s, I already felt like I was in my 40s - or older.    I always felt like I was born in the wrong time period.  But in checking up on "signs that you're an old soul", I read that they're a solitary loner, they like knowledge, wisdom and truth; spiritually inclined, thoughtful and introspective.    Well.  That all fits, for sure.   I also found this interesting:   "Those undergoing the fifth and final stage of reincarnation are known as old souls. In this stage of soul evolvement there is a search for balance and completion, and an urge to pass on the torch before the end of reincarnation.  They tend to be drawn to the quiet life away from the noise of the city.  "

So where does all that leave a person who feels like an old soul?

Of that I'm never certain.  I have moments where I feel like I shouldn't be an old soul, that I should be doing things different, doing more things .... but when it comes down to it, I am an old soul, and am comfortable with the way things are.  I've never been the kind who wants to go out and make a difference in the world, nor do I want to have a job where I make lots of money and have the materialistic things to show for it.  I've always been happy having a job that I enjoy doing, no matter what the pay is (or isn't), I don't go for buying a lot of showy things.  I'm a simple, down to earth kind of gal, with simple needs.

When I was in my 20s, my goal was to own my own house
by the time I'm 50.  Mission accomplished!
The rest of it has been good,
I've had good times, good family, good memories,
but nothing like what others consider as "successful".

And this "old soul" is OK with that!

The (Tarnished) Golden Years

Getting older is never a fun thing.  When I was a kid, I always heard about "the golden years", about how life gets better as we're older, kids are grown, responsibilities change, and there's more time for yourself to pursue your own pleasures now.

Well, there are two sides to that "golden years" myth.  What if you don't have your health?  That's always a huge concern.  I'm lucky, I've had issues, but overall I'm pretty healthy *knock on wood*.  The other part is with people living longer, the rate of divorce, etc, when you reach your golden years and you're alone, sometimes struggling paycheck to paycheck, it can sometimes feel more like tarnished years!

I'm not complaining, but there are times when at my age, I feel as if I'm becoming more and more invisible.  The media puts the young, the beautiful out there ... and we've become inured to that as being the norm -- when in fact a mature older woman finally knows what she wants, there's less drama -- we shouldn't be invisible!

But the main point I wanted to bring up was about reaching these "golden years" and realizing that you haven't achieved something you dreamed of.  I've always had a passion for farms, farm houses and barns, and old houses.  Renovating them was something I always wanted to do, but never had the time when I was raising kids.  Never had the money or a partner to take that on later in life.  I still think I'd do it now, if I didn't have to work at a job that .... leaves things to be desired in the "making a difference, doing what you love" department.

So what now?  I'll be 57 in a week, and I wonder what's next in my life.  Another 10 years on the job until I retire?  Sometimes I feel as if I'm still 35 in my head, and that I still have time to do all that I've wanted to do.  But that time is becoming less and less.

Frankly, maybe it will feel less that way after the heat leaves the Valley of the Sun.  Cabin fever is usually associated with folks who live with a lot of snow -- but the heat does the same thing to us here in the desert.  We are camped out indoors with the AC.  I tried doing some home improvement stuff, but having to live with the fumes of paint or stain circulating with the AC isn't good for any of us, so .... we wait for Sept 15, which is the average end of excessive summer heat for us.  Thank goodness!

So in the meantime, I'm trudging along doing what I can given current circumstances, but making plans for things (and attitudes) to be better come fall.

Happy Summer Days!

Easier to be poor....

I just want to put this out there.  I'm not a fan of lawyers.  They have a place in our society and can be useful on some occasions, and I hope I get a good one if I ever need one, but in this instance, there seems to be something very wrong in my opinion.

From what I can tell, my grandparents created a trust agreement in 1992 in order to leave parcels of land and personal property to their five children.  In 1992, my grandfather was already 85 years old.  I'm no lawyer or expert, but it appears each of their trusts left everything to the remaining spouse if one dies before the other.  In this case, my grandmother died in 1994, which makes my Grandfather 87 years old, at which time he becomes the sole heir to all said property.

My issue is with the attorney who set up these trusts.  At 87 years old, what sort of mental capacity was my grandfather working under?  He was a sharp man, very smart, but we all fade with time.  What kind of lawyer allows changes to be made to a trust after the fact?  And by someone who just might not have all his faculties when it comes to money?  What kind of lawyer didn't create some kind of checks and balances when we're talking about an 87 year old man worth aproximately $3M in land, which was to be left to his five children?   With an estate that size, why was only one person named as a trustee?   For a smart man, my grandfather was out of his realm in this, maybe he didn't listen to his lawyer and insisted on having his own way.

In 2007,  my grandfather to add his grandson as a trustee, AND agreed to immediately sell said grandson all his land for $800/acre.   I'm sure in 2007 land was worth more than that.  FFS, my grandfather was 100 years old at the time.   In my book, this should all have been illegal, or certainly gone over with someone other than the grandson who's getting rich.  Is there not some kind of age clause, a dual signee clause, surely there should have been some kind of checks and balances.

I know that no matter what, people are 'funny' when it comes to money, family or not.

This is a very good example of why I don't trust lawyers.  I'm sure the original lawyer made a pretty penny setting up a $3M trust.  What he left was a mess.  It created a huge rift within the family.  I've not seen or spoke to my Uncle or cousins in more than 15 years.

Some people quote the Bible as saying "money is the root of all evil" but it's the love of money that's at the root of it all.  May my Uncle Robert, cousin Ronald and their families rue the day, and suffer the consequences, having full knowledge that they took the wishes of my grandparents and wiped the slate clean, allowing only themselves to reap all the benefits.  May they pass from this life to the next without real family love.  

I will probably pass this life a pauper,
but my kids won't have to fight each other for anything of value,
and will remain a loving family.

Bees up their Butts

We've all had them, those frustrating days at work where nothing seems to be going right, things that make you question what you've done to make your manager feel as if she can't trust you, and the bottom of that barrel, what kind of new job can you look for?

That's where I'm at today.

At my BigBox Store, I'm in charge of "compliance".  That means following procedures and protocols laid out in regards to certain specific tasks.  At all times, my work area must be in compliance with these protocols.  Many of them are store specific, but the basis of them rests in the hands at federal level, such as the DOT.

I've been in my current position for nearly 8 years.  Much of them happily.  The rules change on a constant basis, I keep myself updated to all the changes, and comply.  Sometimes that means setting aside the daily duties to enforce any recent changes in the current laws or SOPs.  That's ok, I can take those kind of changes.

But when does it become micromanaging from your boss?  It certainly has been leaning in that direction more and more as time goes on.  Is this company standard? or store specific based on our leadership?  I always wonder.  Sometimes I think the grass HAS to be greener on the other side of the fence -- or in this case, at a different store.

So I did a little reading up on micromanaging.  When a boss micromanages, they effectively do three things:  undermine, demotivate and create self doubt.    For me, the self doubt comes from their mistrust in my ability to handle the job, handle the situations that come up.  I can.  But I expect that when a decision has to be made, and I make it based on facts that I know, that my manager is going to back me up, not throw me to the wolves.  Trust is a two way street, and that's not happening for me.

After a sleepless night, I woke up around 2am realizing that I'm afraid to NOT be at work, for fear that something is going to happen and no one is going to follow through correctly.  (that's a whole 'nother issue because my helper, Elvis, doesn't seem to concern himself with compliance ... again, after citing incidents, management did not back me up.)

I let it all simmer in the back of my mind today while I dusted and mopped (rather than getting my normal actual "work" accomplished ... but that's what they wanted ....)  *smh*  Yeah, I think it's time to think about some kind of change.  Not sure someplace else will be better, but can it be any worse?

Someone wrote "We’re living in the time of “what have you done for me lately”. "  And yeah, that seems accurate to me.  No matter how much a person does, no matter how many times you go above and beyond, "what have you done for me lately"?   Case in point, a member of management wanted something shipped out, and I told her it needed to be palletized in order to ship it.  A month goes by and this morning, *I* am called on the carpet because I didn't ship it.  So tongue in cheeky, my mouth got the better of me and I told my boss that "the other manager said she'd get someone to take care of palletizing the item .... guess it's about to be me."     It amazes me that there are some people who never get asked to take care of anything, I assume because management knows the very few people who can actually get the job done.  That's always who gets asked.

I know that I'm just an underling, an hourly paid associate.  But after 15 years with the company, I know a few things.

I keep telling myself that I should just smile, do what needs to be done, and happily switch gears when management gets a bee up their butt .........

But I think they have a whole hive by now! 
Honey, anyone?

OITNB, S4

OK, for those of you watching season 4, and not finished yet - spoiler alert!  I'm about to rant a bit, because I just finished watching.   I spaced it out over two weeks so that I'd be able to enjoy it a bit.  And I have to admit, the first few episodes I was quite disappointed in.  It felt as if they were trying to cram so much detail and story building with all the new additional people they added that parts of it weren't enjoyable.  I would sum it up like this:   I enjoy the journey, the story telling, I'm not about the destination.

However, the cliffhanger they left us with .... OMG.   By episode 12, I was both crying and mad.  I don't like when my fav characters are done away with!   And Samira Wiley was, to me, one of the best in the show!   And the pipes on that girl!   Sometimes I cue up season 1, episode 13, just to hear her sing Amazing Grace --again and again!    love it!

Watching the last 3 episodes of season 4 really riled me up, stirred up a lot of emotions - hate for the guards, sadness for the women stuck in their situations like Sophia, and empathy for Caputo.  Being the guy who tries to make things right for these women, with his back stuck against corporate greed and the almighty dollar is never easy.  I'm glad he did things right in the end, calling the father, and going off program from what MCC wanted him to say.

I know, I know, it's only a TV show.  But kudos to Netflix for producing a good show in such a way that we're clearly drawn in to each of the womens' stories!

If you've followed past posts, I don't do drama, I don't get involved in situations full of drama because of the effect it has on me in a personal way (ie, dreams).  Orange is the New Black is the one piece of drama that I seek out, something about the show resonates in me.

Well done, Netflix!
Hurry up June 2017!

Doing Something

  

Here it is, the middle of my very long stretch of work, as I'm filling in for someone who took a long vacation.  That's ok, in order to stay on my scheduled hours, I'm only work 6 hour days, really nice to be leaving work at noon every day!!

That being said, I started back at the gym this week. Both yesterday and today was all about cardio, and now I'm dealing with muscles that are sore and crampy, and one glut muscle that feels strained.  But it will get better and I will keep going.   Yes, I am committing myself, because the other day I was at work and felt as if every step I took was like slogging through waist high water.  That's not a good sign, sluggish is never any good .....

With the added exercise, I've noticed that I'm sleeping better -- well, as good as I can when the temps don't drop below 100 until the wee hours of the morning.  I read or heard somewhere that the ideal sleep temp is 65 degrees, but in order to achieve that, my AC would run constant all night long.  And I would NOT like that at the end of the month.

My target of 10k steps a day is easy to hit when I'm doing cardio in the gym.  That's a plus!

Sadie doesn't take the heat very well and certainly can't walk on sidewalks that are hot enough to fry an egg on!   I've thought about booties, but ... ya know, that just looks a little silly!  I thought about a stroller but that doesn't give her any exercise.  So with temps reaching over 110 for the past 5 days, I moved her little kiddie pool into the dining room so we can splash around in the afternoons :)

Today, after a short nap, I was re-energized and got a lot of laundry done, bed sheets changed, and things put away.  Even though my mind knows that moving is better than not moving, some days, I just can't get myself to get moving.  But I'm trying to change all that.

Rather than doing nothing, I'm doing something,

Saturday Summer

Here it is, Saturday afternoon.  Day 5 of 14 days done, happily.
It's hot here in the Valley of the Sun, over 115 today.  Two more days of excessive heat and we go back down to the more norm of 100-105.   Yes, it's a dry heat.  lol  Anything over 105 is plain old hot, no matter what spin you put on it.

Sadie and I are going to have Cabin Fever if the heat keeps up.  It's much too hot to be out walking, and too much for pugs over 90 degrees.  So in my brilliant way, I brought her little kiddie pool into the dining room.  Now I can dip in my toes and chill out a bit, and she plays a little bit in the water - mostly chasing it around in circles, but that's ok.  It's exercise rather than just sleeping all day.

Making very little progress on the spare bedroom that I named Casa Linda  (beautiful house), but even just one board at a time gets the job done soon.  I ordered a full size mattress for the room, and plan on stopping in at Home Depot for some piping to make this as a shelving unit.

Should look pretty good in this converted room that's a do-over after my son moved out.  But I reassured him that we'd remove any frillies or flowers if he ever needs to move back in!
hehehehe

Do One Thing

It takes a lot of effort to be creative.  And sometimes it takes longer to write or post about being creative than it does the task itself!   But sometimes I just feel I need to put things down.  Some day, people may wanna know.  lol  Or not.

Took the day off because it's my dental checkup day.  Usually I just dash in after work, but ... I felt I needed a day to myself, so .....   I spent it working on getting some more pallets apart for the headboard that I'm going to create in the other bedroom.  After the dentist, I dashed into Home Depot, but my son wasn't working, so I just wandered a bit before heading over to Hobby Lobby.

I found this cool scrollwork with blues/greens in it, along with an iron-worked heart in the center that will look just GREAT over the bed ... but it was too much.  And I had forgotten my phone where I found this week's ad for 40% off any one item ....    I may have to go back on Saturday.  Yup yup *puts it on the calendar*

One of my other little things I'm doing is I need a long sign over the photo center I put in my living room.  Because of the odd wall shape, I felt it needed something to define it, so I got a 15foot length of burlap and it runs from one point to another, making a very large rectangle on my wall, which is where I'm posting some of my photography and fav pictures.  It looks pretty neat, but it still needs a little more definition above it.  So I'm creating the word BLESSED out of some wood letters that I'm covering with some turquoise print fabric and mod podge (If you've never worked with it, it can be a really fun for simple crafts!).   pix when it's all done, I promise.

Otherwise, it was my day to relax, enjoy some taco salad, take a bit of a nap.  I did some simple yardwork -- mostly because my garbage goes to the street tonight, and I really needed to get things cleaned up out there.


Lately there are times when it seems like I always have something - sometimes too much! - going on, but my motto has been "Do one thing every day."   It's amazing how much can get accomplished doing just one thing on a daily basis.   Now if only I could do that with my housecleaning..... lol

Sunday's TidBits

Sunday.  Another weekend over, and another busy week coming up.  Ugh.

I was all excited about FitBit's "Goal Day" - and set my goal at 10k steps, which is difficult for me on a weekend.  Work, of course, means lots of walking, but walking around the block, or around the house, just doesn't cut it.  Outdoor walking or hiking isn't a good thing in the heat we get in the desert, so that means early morning walking. Which I love to do!   However, after a busy month, I needed to use my optimal energetic hours in getting my house cleaned up and chores done.   And then a day of terrible IBS or something hit me -- and I got my 5k steps going from couch to bathroom to bed to bathroom ... well, you get the idea.  Another Ugh.

Tracking my sleep has been interesting ... I seem to be getting a total of nearly 8 hours a night, but it's not all in a row - so I guess there's something to improve on, if I can find the secret to that!  According to FitBit I'm awake an average of 5x a night, and I sleep rather restlessly.  I blame that on Sadie.  She likes to snuggle up until she gets hot, then moves, but eventually moves back again and I'm sure that causes me to be the "restless" it senses because I'm moving about, trying to get into a comfy position.  Again.  lol  The perils of owning a dog, I guess.

Worked on this grand idea I have of building a headboard out of old pallets.  This was my original inspiration.  I have gotten a few old pallets from work, I've cut a few of them into usable boards, and experimented with how to make them look a little more "weathered".  According to online sites I sourced, mixing vinegar with some steel wool bits and let sit would create a staining like solution.  That didn't work for me, even when I left it sitting in the warm sun, and then overnight.  So, I took it upon myself to invent something else.  I added a few drops of acrylic paint into the vinegar and sprayed it on.  It sort of dyed the wood without actually applying paint. Right now, they have a hunter green tinge, and if I add a little bit of blue splotches, they may look a little more turquoise, which would be perfectly fine.  Adding a thin layer of some stain, then varnish --- I can see this working.  Or not.  lol

I puttered in my spare bedroom yesterday, touching up paint on the baseboards, etc.  It didn't last too long as the moment I sat on the floor to start painting, Sadie wanted to sit right between me and the wall -- painting around an active dog isn't the easiest thing in the world.  I did manage to get a few things hung on the wall.   :)   A little every day is better than nothing.

Off to finish some laundry, and get some groceries for the week.
Hope it's a good week for you, too!

Finally Friday

Finally Friday!  It always seems like the best day of the week, the one that holds the most promise.  Maybe that's a hold-over from earlier days -- like in my 20s when it meant good things on a weekend!  Orrrrrrrr .... maybe not.  lol

Once I got home, however, I was tired, dragged out, and after a salad for supper, and a few episodes of Fixer Upper (I was hoping for inspiration!) , the evening was over.

The only thing I tried was the recipe I found online for combining steel wool and vinegar to make a kind of stain to weather boards.  Sadly, I don't think it worked.  It sure sounded too good to be true, too simple, too inexpensive.  Maybe tomorrow I'll have a different opinion of it.  In the meantime, I found that a few drops of acrylic paint in the mix make for an interesting combination to spray on them.  And if that's the case, my boards may turn out to be a little more colorful than just rustic woods!   Time will tell.

I skipped the gym today, I have a sore left arm and thought it needed a rest.  It hurts to straighten it out fully, as if the muscle is pulled.   A day's rest won't hurt.


Tomorrow, 5/21, is "Goal Day" for FitBit users.  It'll be tough getting to my goal of 10k steps on a non-working day, but I'm going to give it my best shot.  I wonder how Sadie will like it??  hahaha

My FitBit buzzed me, I reached my 10k steps again today!  and I checked my sleep numbers for last night.  7 hours, 55 minutes of sleep, but awake 6 times, and restless 17 times.   Not sure how that works out, but I know that I feel like I'm not getting enough sleep, which is why I started this in the first place.   I wonder if the weekend will change the numbers at all.  We shall see.

A Journey

Life isn't about getting to a certain point.   I know people who tell themselves "as soon as I get to ___ this point, I'll be happy" or "As soon as I lose 25 lbs, I'll be happy".    It can't be about that.  Sure, I'm all about achievements and productivity.  For me, a good day is when I feel I've done something that was needing to get done.  But Life is really the journey, finding small things that give us purpose, or joy, or a good feeling along the way.

I've been working hard at making sure that life isn't all about work.  I make it a point to take a photo every day.  Even if I don't feel compelled to share it on social media, I make sure I've kept it in my "365photos" folder.  A photo that kind of sums up the day, what I saw, where I was, something that made me smile.  Yes, there are days when that one photo isn't taken.  But the next day, I focus on finding two things that make me smile.

Today, it's hot and humid, so no evening walk for me and Sadie.  During my lunch break, I slipped into the gym and got my workout done.  I started going back this week, missed Weds however, due to work issues and scheduling.  Tuesday was arms day, and I felt like I had noodles instead of arms when I was done!   Today, I had two goals:  a 15 minute mile on the elliptical machine (easier on the knees than the treadmill) and resistance training to work out the soreness in my arms.  I achieved my mile goal in 15:05.   Not bad for an old lady!  Then I did my arm exercises with weight machines again.  And yes, I'm sore.   lol  Aspirin at bedtime tonight!

I got a new FitBit tracker, the Charger HR, because it not only tracks my steps, but calories, heart rate and most important, my sleep pattern.  Just because I wonder if I'm getting enough sleep.  Here's the result for the first night.  It tracks me falling asleep at 8:32, and waking at 4:35am.  Yep, that's about right.  I climb into bed between 7 and 730, depending on what I feel like watching, and it doesn't take long for me to be out like a light.   But it shows that I was awake 5 times.  I remember getting up twice to let Sadie out -- and to pee, cuz yep, I'm an old lady.  Or I drink too much water too late in the evening.  But then it shows I was restless 18 times.  Hmm.  That's not so good, but I'm going to let it keep going, get an average over a week or two, and see if it evens out a little bit.  But according to my little wristband, I got 7 hours, 7 minutes of sleep.

Get out there and do something today!
I did!