Merry Single Holiday!

Hello, and Merry Christmas!  It is holiday I spend alone -- not by choice, but by circumstance.  And while it can be just a tad lonely for a few moments, this is only one in a very long string of holidays that happen this way.   Because I work retail. 

It's very difficult to make the time for a holiday in which there won't be any time.  I always work the day before Christmas, and the day after Christmas.  Which leaves exactly one day to do what needs doing.  I guess if I forced myself in a different mode, I could accomplish everything, but at my age is that something I want to do?   I could drive two+ hours to my daughters home to spend a part of the day.  Which would always include my ex-husband in some way.  I spent many holidays with him in the past, and don't wish to include him in my current holidays.  I suppose that in the effort to keep the family peace, I could make an exception -- which I do on various birthday and wedding occasions -- but Christmas has a more personal feel to me and the thought of being stuck indoors and having little to say .....  I don't care to have any kind of discussion about my life, or my family's life with him and his wife.  So we'll just leave it at that.  It's just easier if I let my children have their day with family who can be there with them, be there for them. 

I usually take the time to let myself "feel" on this Holiday.  I look at old photos, remember the good times when I was a kid, sharing Christmas with my siblings.  I remember the winters in Ohio, trudging through snow, taking snapshots of a way of life that I hadn't known (I grew up in sunny CA) and I also take time to sit in the backyard of the home I own, drinking in the Arizona sunshine.  It was a bit on the cool side today, but that didn't stop me! 

I've come a long way in my lifetime.  I've started over after three different divorces, and choose to remain single now.  I think that relationship status has gotten a bad rep over time.  It's funny how the word conjures up an image of a woman with ... loose morals, one night stands, hanging out with other lonely hearts at a bar.  That's not it at all!  I have time to do the things I enjoy - taking Sadie for a walk every day is both a chore and a pleasure.  If I want to shop, I do it when it pleases me.  Same with laundry, cooking and cleaning.  And I find nothing wrong with that at all! 



This post is both a little maudlin and defensive.  But sometimes it feels I have to defend the life I choose.  And that's not right.  It's my choice, and I choose single. 

"You can put all your effort in trying to make someone happy... 

but there comes a time when we become tired of trying to fill a bucket 

that is leaking from the inside." 

-Steve Maraboli

Ready for January!

Here it is, almost Christmas.  I'm ready for this bunch of holidays to be over and done with.  It seems like it's very difficult to get things accomplished.  Here in the Valley of the Sun, we have many people who "winter" here.  And these snowbirds, well, they love the weather and love to be out in it.  When it's 60, you can tell who lives here and who's a snowbird:  we're all wearing jackets and snowbirds are wearing shorts and flipflops!  lol



Odd dreams plagued me last night.  Some kind of odd travel over water, but not like the ocean. More like a river, only we rode on things that float.  We'd start at one point, travel over the water, then have to get out and trek across to the other side.  But we walked through what was part antique mall and part thrift store.  The thrift store portion was filled with mens pajamas:  those old fashioned ones from the 60s that were blue cotton tops and bottoms.   Hundreds of pairs of them.  Then we'd get to the other side and begin our surf over the water on our floaties.   Just weird.




Sadie and I have been doing a lot of walking.  ok.  I've been walking, she rides like a princess in her stroller.  But she loves it, gives her a chance to get out while I get to do the walking I so desperately need on a daily basis.   And it sure helps with the stress levels from work this time of year!

Work has been going ... oddly.  There are some things they want me involved in, other things they just take care of on their own.  I don't really care either way.  My job as supervisor is to make sure that folks are doing their job timely and correctly.  Sadly, I hate being a supervisor - to me it feels like being a babysitter.  These people are adults, they're being paid an adult salary, do your f*cking job! Sorry to be blunt about it, but when management says "do it this way", that's what you do.  Sure, they may put a fancy name on it "The Best Way", "The Real Deal", whatever they want to call it, you still have to follow their rules.  Break the rules, and someone is going to call you on it.  One of the gals does a good job on Mondays and Tuesdays, but the rest of the week, she seems to fall apart.  When talked to about it ... well, lets just say no conversation on that topic ever goes well.  They're moving her into another position in the store.  Probably best for all in the long run.

I have just a little more wrapping to do, then off to the UPS store I go, and then Christmas is done.  I cooked up a huge pot of stew, my son's favorite meal, and drove it over to him and his family.  They enjoyed it, and so did I!

With a headache the entire weekend, I've come to realize that I'm very sensitive to barometric pressure shifts.  When we get clouds in the Valley, ugh.  I plow through and try to keep them at bay with lots of water and healthy eats.  Did my week's worth of cooking, I have stew, baked chicken and potatoes, a large pot of chicken and rice soup, and my baked eggs with ham for breakfasts.  Can't go wrong with all that! 

But I'll be honest, I'm ready for January!

Irregularity

It's funny how blogging comes and goes for me.  It's like there are times when I feel as if there is lots to be shared, and other times where there's nothing interesting in my life - rather, nothing interesting enough to share, perhaps.  It's been an uneventful weekend, and purposefully I suppose because there are some days when I just don't want to make that call home.

I call my mom on a daily basis, just to check on her, see that things are going ok.  Because it seems like there are some days when she doesn't have someone to talk to, and it gives us a reason to connect, even if we only compare weather patterns.  lol  This past week, however, was a little bit different.

My sis is going through so many things.  She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a year ago, and has been having the chemo treatments, etc.  She's doing very well, and still leads a very active life.  She's lucky that way!  In my opinion, it's too active - she's always going off somewhere with her friends.  I realize that at 55 years old, her kids are grown ups now, and she treats them that way.  But no matter how grown up your kids are, they still need their parents in many ways.  Especially Mom, but that's just my own opinion. 

Her oldest son got into a bit of a situation, the girl he'd broken up with was pregnant, so they got back together to see if they could make a go of it.  Seems that isn't going to be the way of things.  You know, a baby doesn't make you agree on things if you didn't start off agreeing in the first place!  But they tried.  Now they're each looking to find a place to live.  My sister had an idea to have this girl, her grandson and her youngest son get an apartment together.  I can tell you, I was personally shocked.  They're worlds apart in experience and maturity... of course there are other issues that would make this post way too wordy.  Mom and I share the opinion that it isn't a good idea; Mom mentioned that to sis, and then let it go.  No idea what's really going to happen.

But it got me thinking (yet again) about how we as people are.  I remember being pregnant and going through that whole nesting thing.  I suppose there's something like that when you're looking at the end of life as well?  None of us know how long we have for the rest of our lives.  Being given the "C" word would make it that more prominent than for other folks, I'm sure.  I can't help wonder if sis is hitting that point where she feels the need to make sure all the i's are dotted, the t's crossed.  I know I've felt that way when I've been a little panicky about my own life from time to time.  (Mostly because in my mind I feel as if I'm still 40, then it hits me each time that I'm 58 already ... and my own i's and t's aren't all taken care of.) 

I'm waffling over how to close this ... so many things come to mind. 
Make a plan and stick to it. 
Get really good advice from friends who's opinion you trust. 
Hire a good lawyer. 
Take care of what you can take care of in advance! 

The future isn't always what we think it will be,
but we need to have some kind of plan in place.

Bah Humpug

It has been The Week From Hell - anyone in retail can relate, I'm sure.  Many hours prepping for The Sale, all for it to be over in a flash.  We all work hard, stay late, go the extra mile, all so our customers can get what they want to buy for their Holidays.  This is my 17th Season in retail, and I can honestly say I don't enjoy much of it any longer.  I may put on a brave face if family happens to come over, but they've learned over the years that I'm not at my best .....  Nothing takes the joy out of setting up a Christmas tree in your home when you've already been setting up trees in your store for more than 60 days.  Ugh.  Any more, I'd just rather have some kind of "destination gift" - a movie and treats for the whole family, a hike out in nature somewhere, just about anything to get away from the commercialism that the Holiday Season has become.

My gift to family each year is a calendar - one that I fill with custom photos that I've taken all year, or that I've dug up out of family archives.  As the family grows, it's impossible to have photos of everyone included but I do what I can.  At least on the first (or second) of every month, when they turn the page, it's something new to look at.  And if there's a photo that brings up a memory for them, all the better, in my book.  Yes.  I'm weird.  But I'm ok with that!

An update on the whole Elvis thing at my BigBoxStore.  I had a meeting with the area HR manager.  And basically her message was this:  "let the system work".  My comeback:  I've been letting it for six years now.  It doesn't.   He has this uncanny sense of timing and when he's coached, he overturns it as high as he can take it.  In the latest case, it took Upper Management six months to complete the hoop-jumping; and he knows that they a)  won't coach him for anything else while he's in the midst of this process (so he gets to literally skate his way through) and b)  that the coaching drops off after 12 months, basically buying himself those easy  months.  And while he was biding that time, he knew he could get away with extended breaks (on the clock, but not working) over and over again.  While me, I'm the one stuck with babysitting his mistakes, being the one who has to point out each of the issues and/or mistakes while management literally turns a blind eye - because *they* aren't the ones who have to work with it on a daily basis.  There are times when I have to talk to him about an issue, and management has sent in a witness, so that it won't be his word against mine -- the old "he said she said" defense. 

I also asked about his wanting a meeting to "clear the air" between us.  He was literally asking that I be told to "like him".  He was told I only have to treat him with respect.  That's my job.  And while it's OK that he gets to run around and bad-mouth me, spread rumors, I have to be respectful.  In the end, it seems that the reality of the situation is this:

::they aren't going to do anything and it's probably time for me to move on::

With that being said, it would be better to leave with my good name and the reputation I've built intact and find a store willing to transfer me in.  Of course, nothing will happen with the holiday season, so I have to bide my time until January.  As a sanity saving course of action, I have set an alarm on my phone for each day to remind me to go to the gym for my lunch hour, rather than be within the confines of my building, subjected to rumors, inuendos, and flat out ignorance.  

Work rant over.  

Thank you for reading!

Sometimes, You Just Laugh

In trying to forget about work woes and whatever is going to happen (it's out of my control), I'm taking it one day at a time and just doing things for me, mostly little things, but things!

After dinner this evening, it's time for our walk. 
I put Sadie on the leash and we start out. 

At the end of the driveway, she stops, refusing to move. 
So I stop, trying to wait her out. (she can be a stubborn little cuss!)

Sometimes this is a little game we play.
And other times, she does it because she has her own direction in mind.

But not today.
She refuses to take a step in any direction.
So I wait some more. 
Inspiration hits!

"Sadie ... let's go get the stroller!"

Sadie dashes back up the driveway to the front door.
We walk in and I grab the stroller, pushing it to the front door.
No sooner do I get it parked and set the brake
and Sadie is climbing right into it!

Which now means I'm committed to a longer walk!
So off we go, the sun has already set
Our twilight is a very short window, less than 20 minutes.
And then it's dark.
But we don't stop until I've reached at least 2500 steps!

Sometimes, you just gotta laugh!
What a crazy dog!

Whatta Week!

This week seemed to go on for.ev.er! 

I felt much better after last Friday and choosing not to let the Asshat win!  Wearing my "full dress uniform" really seemed to help, at least for my own mentality.  I was supposed to have a sit-down chat with some higher-ups, but as is always the case in retail, most folks are stretched too far, too thin, to have a lot of time for things like conversations. 

I spent my Saturday driving to pickup Sadie from my daughter's house.  She seemed glad to see me, but I'm wondering if she didn't enjoy being around more people than just me!  Which would be understandable.  As an "ol' lady", things can be quite boring around home!  I've remedied that with making our morning walk longer, and added an extra long evening walk as well, now that it's cooler.  It's been working -- sometimes, its ~me~ forcing the walk issue, but we go. 

The rest of this week was full of answering questions.  Now that corporate has decided to make some changes, they give us some general rules, change some of the options on the computer, but then never give us any guidance on how to handle individual questions.  While I can see their point on many of the things we try to return to vendors, there still needs to be someone making sound, logical decisions for each individual item.  In fact, I told Elvis that there needs to be some logical reasoning --- but it went right over his head.  All day long, question after question, and not understanding.  In truth, it would be much faster and more practical for me to do it all than to have to second guess his reasoning for whatever choice he makes.  I know that I will have a buggy full of a mess on Monday when I return.  Doesn't bother him to just toss things aside and wait for instruction instead of reasoning it out and trying to make a logical judgement call.


I'm sure you can tell that this individual is a source of much frustration and angst, and it's not only me.  He's been doing the same job for six years now, with no changes or adding to his duties.  He was told he needed to run a report today, and he told our manager that he didn't know how to do that.  She was so frustrated, she called me over and asked me to teach him ~again~ and this time to have a witness in the room.  Because she knows there will be a next time, and she'll have his ass, so to speak.   Yep.  We'll see.


Overall, it was a pretty good week, I kept myself busy.  All the extra walks has me focusing on some of my own creativity again, taking photos on our walks.   This caught my eye the other night .....

Happy Weekend, my friend!

Battle Armor

Friday arrived, and I debated back and forth:  to call out sick? or go to work?

I pondered it long and hard, and in the end, decided that I wasn't going to let Asshat Elvis win.  So I had an idea: because I work in the back, not on the floor, I usually wear jeans and said required polo shirt.  So I decided to put on black dress pants, my white embroidered polo and the vest required when working on the floor.  It was like wearing armor!  and I felt ready for battle.

It didn't take 15 minutes before he's asking if I'm expecting visitors because I'm in full dress.  "Nope" I said with a smile, and walked out.  I made lots of errands during my workday, just to stay out of harm's way.  And because I'd logged 40 hours by 12:30, I left then.  Luckily I had turned in keys without him being able to see me, so maybe he thought I went to lunch.  Frankly, I don't give a sh*t what he thought, I don't report to him.  Maybe he'll start thinking I had an interview elsewhere!?!

Turns out, he went running his mouth at lunchtime again - to the same gal - and told her that I was the reason another male coworker didn't get a manager level promotion.  Luckily, I know this guy didn't want to be a manager, still doesn't.  But hearing someone speaking these lies about me -- people who don't know me might believe him!  He says things with such authority.

Where does an A$$ get all this BS?  I swear he makes things up, just to stir up trouble.  And now that I'm on the receiving end of it all, I'm beginning to wonder if this type of gossip has been going on a long time and it's been coloring how upper management has been seeing me?  And this time around, maybe people are tired of his same BS and are speaking out.  Because they're coming up and telling me things ......


And here we're at another Monday,
and the beginning of another week of ....
who knows what.

For me, I think my headphones are coming with me,
play a few tunes so I can ignore some of the gossip
that is running rampant -
sort of the what I don't know, doesn't hurt as much??

Him. Or Me.

I.  Am.  So.  Mad!

Yes, it's work related.

I have a co-worker.  Technically I am the supervisor.  But I've been fighting an unseen battle with this person for six years now.  There is always something .... Maybe he's one of those who always has to stir the pot, keep things agitated.  But he's also the one who just sits back after stirring the pot and sympathizes with whomever comes crying about the issue.

It looks like I'm the new current target.

Two summers ago he targeted two co-workers, one a part time female cashier and another male co-worker.  He was convinced these two (who didn't know each other) came to his apartment building and killed his tomato plants.  He went so far as to call the police on them!  The female was so distraught she changed her days off so she would work fewer days when he was on the schedule.  The male worker left the company shortly after all of this.  He harassed this cashier in such a sneaky way that there would be no witnesses (he said, she said) and she refused to write up a complaint because she was scared to death he would retaliate.

Today, he told one of the girls who I supervise that three years ago, I called her a bitch.  Three years ago?????  **smfh**    He was coached back in March for violating company standards, and he's been fighting it ever since.  Which means that because he's taken things to higher management, anything he does, he cannot be coached for in the meantime.  He steals time, and I log it with management so they can catch him on camera.  He's even been caught sleeping at his 'desk'.  And yes, he still has a job.

My job is to supervise him.  He's been performing the same routines, the same job functions for six years now.  Just how much supervision does he need for these daily routines????  And yet, he has gone to management, and now to higher ups complaining about me, saying he needs someone who is a real supervisor.  It is my job to audit his work, and when I find errors, in the past, I would just have a discussion with him, teach and train how to do the job correctly, and leave it at that.  But after 6 years, he is still making the same kinds of errors.   I still leave him notes and the product that has the error, but I also put it in an email to him and to our management team re: his mistakes.  Because if he tries to refute the errors I have found, it becomes another he said, she said.




I'm very frustrated.

I think I've reached my breaking point.

Him or me.

Vacations: Go for it!

Vacations:  What is it about a vacation that makes things seem better?  Because it takes effort to take a vacation - packing, planning, and if you're "Mom" in a family, there's a lot of pressure on you to get all the meal plans in place as well! 

I just returned from a long weekend at my mom's house, the same house I grew up in.  They've been in the house 50+ years, so it has a long family history.  And even though going there always means some kind of "honey do" list, it still feels like a vacation!  Mom's nearly 80, Dad's been gone for nearly 3 years now, and frankly, he did everything around the house.  He was Mr. FixIt.  And if he didn't know how to fix it, he took it apart and could usually find a way to fix it.  Those kinds of males seem to be fewer these days.  And maybe that's because fewer things these days are mechanical and able to take apart and put back together.   

I'm lucky, my son takes after me and my dad:  we all have the ability to figure out mechanical things.  I brought him with on this trip so that he could be the muscle behind some of the jobs mom needed to have done.  We had him trimming trees, hanging Christmas lights and figuring out how to reset some of the warning dash lights in her car.   :)   All in all, a very successful and busy vacation, but that's how it goes.  You gotta take care of family!  (Just don't get me started about the 4 grandsons who actually live close by ... and don't help!)



Being gone from work was a relief, but at the same time, a hateful part of going on vacation.  There is always so much going on in a BigBox store, that finding a good time to get away -- let's face it, there IS no good time.  Coming back is the worst; as usual there were changes made while I was away.  And I didn't get to have any input on the changes.  My helper, Elvis, was called into the office for whatever reason (I don't give a rats ass at this point) but whatever he did/said got ME pulled into the same office for a confab.  "Would I be OK with a sit-down conversation with the store manager, the HR manager and him?"  "NOPE".  They wanted more of an explanation, but it wasn't easy to nail it down to one or two things, and it was time to go home.  Why is it that management always wants to have these convos at the end of a work day????  If I stay over, I accumulate overtime hours, and then have to take an extra long lunch the next day ...... blech.  Not sure where all this is going to go, and I'm not happy about any of it.  I'm tired of him spreading gossip about me, about others.  It's the main reason why I don't have conversations with him at all.  Maybe this is a huge sign that I should be moving on.   :/ 

Only time will tell.

If you can't get away for a week long vacation, or a long weekend,
sometimes just one day can make all the difference in the world! 
Go for it!

Conversation. Nope.

It's early morning, time for work.  I'm standing in my work area, ready to begin, sorting a few carts worth of stuff into their proper locations.  Elvis marches up and begins talking at me about the football game last night between the 49ers and the AzCardinals.  Guess the Cardinals won in overtime, but he's got this smug tone in his voice as if HE won the game, and MY 49ers lost. 

I didn't answer him back;  I'm not watching football this year.  At that same moment, another coworker walked up and said "Good morning" to me.  So I said "Good morning" back to her.  And Elvis doesn't miss a beat as he begins to spew his personal viewpoint:  "Oh, you get a 'good morning'.  Guess it's Ignore Elvis week, or more like months, since it's been going on so long."

At this point, there's nothing I can say to make things right.  Even saying "Good Morning" at this point would a) make his point and b) make him feel superior in every way.  It would also suck me in to his level of narcissistic behavior.  It's been on-going for a really long time, and frankly, I'm sick of it. 

I've decided that other than relaying pertinent information related to work, or a polite "good morning" when the situation warrants, I'm not discussing any personal information with him.  Because it gets thrown in my face at a later date, or worse, used as a point of interest for him to try to have conversations with me.  Nope.  NaDa.  Not happening.

No Gossip

I hate that I get sucked into FaceBook on a regular basis.  I can ignore it easily enough, but once I open it, I'm sucked in.  Sadly, every other post is some kind of advert, and the rest seem to be videos that I do NOT load and/or watch.  What happened to a simple photo with a nice description ...... but I digress from why I started this post.

One of the adverts was from Forbes with a suggestive title about keeping your thoughts to yourself in the workplace.  Which is good advice in almost every situation.  Work "friends" don't need to know what's going on in your life, or the things you're deciding about when it comes to your career.  One easy example was not sharing your thoughts about your job being not challenging enough for you.  You might make them feel bad because it's a challenge for them.   Ok, while I don't buy into the whole "making people feel bad" genre - I think that pendulum has swung too far to the right, and that in reality sometimes life is hard, and it makes a person feel bad.  We have to learn to deal with that part of life as well.

But the best advice came near the end of the article:

• The worse the environment, the more tight-lipped you have to be with your coworkers.
• 
  
• If things get so bad at your workplace that you can’t safely talk about much beyond the weather, that’s a sure sign it’s time to go!

Yeah.  That's the point that I'm at with coworkers.  I don't discuss any part of my life outside of work with them, because I have coworkers who tend to gossip.  Correction.  Who "get off" on sharing gossip, no matter how true or not.  Even my weird Elvis will take a nugget of information and create it into this hairy piece of gossip .... What's even funnier in this case is that he's 10 years older than I am.  And who says it's only women who spread gossip?????  lol

I have one younger coworker who has decided to make retail his career ... which is awesome!  And I was taking him "under my wing", giving him some up front knowledge that if utilized correctly could make him and his position valuable when it comes to changes in the future.  But I've come to realize that he has the tendency to gossip just as much as some of the females.  So I've learned the hard way what can and cannot be shared. 

I started my own working career at a company with only 60 employees, we grew to 80, but it was a privately owned company, and we were a family.  Leaving that kind of work environment for the retail sector ..... was SO difficult.  But I can't keep wishing for something that doesn't and won't exist in my world any longer. 


I found this short little article about "Testing for Gossip":
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, “Do you know what I just heard about your friend?”

“Hold on a minute”, Socrates replied. “Before telling me anything I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test.”

“Triple filter?”

“That’s right”, Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you’re going to say. That’s why I call it the triple filter test. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

“No,” the man said, “Actually I just heard about it and …”

“All right”, said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?”

“No, on the contrary.”

“So”, Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him, but you’re not certain it’s true. You may still pass the test though, because there’s one filter left: The filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?”

“No, not really.”

“Well”, concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?”

That's a good story, a good approach to take when someone wants to give you some juicy gossip.  If it's not true, good or useful, why listen to it???

And while it seems I'm taking the high road today, I tend to fall back into bad habits from time to time.  Hopefully, it will be less often if I take a moment to think before I actually listen. 

The Willies

OK ... I've got "the willies" ...... sometimes I feel like I'm six years old again .... and tattling on my siblings.  As with most full time jobs, there's a morning break and an afternoon break, usually 15 minutes.  If it goes to 20 mins on occasion and a person more than "makes up for it" by hustling when there's a need ... well, I tend to be wise enough to overlook what I call the little things.  As a supervisor, I have to make judgments calls from time to time when it comes to the work habits and ethics of those who work in my little section. 

As always, Elvis is a chronic problem.  And it isn't the first, second or even fifth time he's taken advantage.  Today, he left for his morning break and sauntered up front to buy some breakfast.  He brought it back, stopped at his desk, then proceeded to the break room to eat.  He didn't return until 20 minutes later.  In my book, that was a 40 minute break!

I argued with myself back and forth .... log it, capture video ... or just let it go, as it was a quiet kind of day.  But I decided after all of that to log it, have someone in management capture the video.  I'm going to leave it in their hands, let them decide what to do with the info. 

I'm kind of fed up with his narcissistic ways.  He tries to make conversation with me, and I'm not having any of it.  He asked about it once, I told him I was too busy.  So he runs around talking behind my back to other coworkers.  I've heard that I've been a)  coached  or b) dislike him or c) he's going to file a complaint/lawsuit against me for disrespecting him.   *raised eyebrows*  Of course, the co-workers he tells his little stories to are the type who run around and blab ... and it gets back to me. 

Some days the issue of working with him is a huge barrier to my own work.  I have to talk myself down from the feelings it brings up so that I can finish my day.  On really bad days, I can't stand the thought of using my computer or work space after he's used the same space.

Is getting "the willies" a real thing?

When you're cleansing negative energy from a space, you might ring a bell, smudge it with some sage, salt ... me, I tend to wipe things down with baby wipes (because it's handy, and smells fresh!)  And even if I'm being a little silly .....
the willies are gone!  (lol)

... but I'm not Wonder Woman!

Yes, it's an adjustment.  After two days, I'm trying to settle in to this new schedule at work.  It shouldn't make that much difference, I am starting one hour later than before.  But it seems to make all the difference in the world to me.  In that first hour, from 6-7 before most of the other day shift people arrive is when I get reports and paperwork ready for them to start their own day.  I use that hour to clean up the messes that have been left, get things organized and ready for the day.  I do much more than most in that first hour of my morning!  I'm good, but I'm not Wonder Woman!

Shifting that by an hour means that while I'm getting reports ready, people are filing in, wanting their reports quick so they can begin their own day.  The messes that were left in my area are trampled over because I don't have the time to get them out of the way.  And near the end of my day when I'm wrapping things up, there is a team of folks who are trying to unload the nightly delivery truck.  They need a place to put things, and have decided that in front of MY work area is the right place.  Now that my hours have shifted, it will be a constant battle for premium space!  And I'm older, grouchier and bitchier --- guess who's going to win???  lmao


It's weird that I'm still there for my 8 hour shift .... and it should be the same work priorities in the order I'm doing them, but .... it all seems different.  I'm also trying to figure out when to have my lunch hour at the gym.  It will still take some maneuvering to get that figured out.  It was 12:30 before I realized that I needed to take my lunch hour!  Time flies ... when you're having fun?

Whenever a company decides on changes, why is it they have to do many changes at once?  Why can't they just do a small change, let folks get in the habit and then do another change?  It's a little difficult to make so many huge changes all at once ... I'm supposed to do my normal duties each day, but at the same time, I have to re-organize and label my work area (yet again!  we just did this last year!)  in between all the regular demands of the day.  I can't do 8 hours worth of work and 6 hours worth of rearranging in an 8 hour day.  I'm good, but I'm not Wonder Woman!

We shall see what the next couple of weeks hold ....
our new Store Manager should be starting soon!

To The Minute

I finished watching "13 Reasons Why" today .... and wow.  Intense show.  Without a real ending, of course, because if they end it, how can there be another season???   And I hope they have one.  I think the show was done in an excellent and creative manner.  

The topic of teens in high school and all the bullying that can, and does, happen is a very real topic.  I know I felt some of Hannah's angst, feelings of loneliness.  

I, too, was a very not popular girl.  I often felt left out of the experiences that other kids seemed to be having.  Thankfully, nothing really awful happened to me like it did to Hannah, but those feelings she had were clear, and real.  They're not imagined.  And with technology the way it is, every thought and whim of other students is posted online - often without a lot of thought, but with plenty of emotion -- makes me glad I'm not a teenager now!  or raising a teenager, either!!

And now I have to wonder where the next season will take us?

And what will be my next show to watch?

The rest of my day has had me feeling ..... off.  Out of step.  I thought I was low on water, but I remedied that.  Walked Sadie.  Twice.  Cleaned the backyard, trimmed up some bushes (Still have more to do there).  Shopped at Home Depot for a couple replacement plants.  But I'm just feeling ... off.   In the middle of the wee morning hours I woke up, and checked my FitBit for my pulse.  A few times in the past it's been 50 when I wake up and feel ... off.  This time, it was 47.  I just had my physical and the Dr said I'm fine.  Overweight, but fine.

Maybe it's all the changes I can see coming at my BigBox Store.  I find it ... odd and off-putting that they are just going to be changing up our schedules without any notice.  After 9 years with the same 6-3 hours, they are changing to 7-4.  Sleeping in a little later might sound like an awesome thing. But on the other hand, I won't gain an hour of sleep as I'll have to leave for work and factor in traffic.  At best, I'll get an extra 30 minutes on the sleeping end.

But my evening schedule will be thrown off as well ... poor Sadie will be home alone extra time, because there will be traffic during the drive home, too.  UGH.   What's worse is that I know what my job entails and the best hours to get my job done in an efficient, timely manner so that bosses will have the reports and resources they need to go about their own day.  And starting an hour later is NOT going to be the best thing for the store.  But as they say "c'est la vie"  .... they have instilled in us that we MUST follow the schedule, so that's what I'll be doing.

To. the. minute.   

40 Years

I've been watching "13 Reasons Why" on Netflix.  I know, everyone else watched it long ago when it first came out.  I wasn't sure I could watch something like this -- there's a lot of tension and drama and sometimes those don't sit well with me.  It's a fascinating story told in two settings:  current, and flashbacks.  I'm still watching it, and nearly to the end.

Some of the scenes brought me back to the time when I was in high school, how I thought that what was happening was all there was to life, was so important.  It was scary and exciting at the same time, and I cared deeply about what others thought of me.  But as soon as high school was done, I rarely saw any of those people .... so what was the big deal about?

We just had our 40 year class reunion and I didn't go.  Why?  Because just what would I say to those people?  And would my anxiety of high school days come right back up?  I'm not sure I'd want to share that I've been married 3 times, that one of them was an internet romance that had me moving cross country -- and then back again after it failed.  Or that I've been alone for 13+ years now, and liking it just fine.  That after each failed marriage I started over with little to nothing and built it all back up, only to have the next one fail.

Which explains being alone for so long.  I would have to have many boundaries in a relationship because I refuse to start over again with nothing.  I built up to what I have now, and I like it just the way it is.  I own my own house, I just bought a new car, and while life always has struggles of some sort, I find that I'm doing just fine for the most part.

So back to the series .... what high school events would cause someone so much unhappiness, when in reality it's just four years of a very long life each of us has?  At the same time, these are formative years and our choices will have an effect on us for an entire lifetime.  In looking back, I remember those days in a fond but detached way.  I'm glad I wasn't in the "popular" crowd, that I didn't become overly immersed in the antics of those days, that I made choices looking toward a future beyond high school.  And I look back with a little regret that I didn't do more in those same years that would enable me to grow into the person I was capable of becoming.

Not. Normal.

Isn't it weird how we become .... so used to something?  I worked 10 days in a row because of vacation schedule coverage, and that's ok, I don't mind it at all.  But when the end of the 10 days comes, I feel .... lost when I don't have to go to work -- is that weird???

I know I'm not a "normal" woman.  I know I'm high sensitive, an empath of sorts, and that I feel things on a different level than others.  By day 9 at work, I was feeling every bit of the energy that came anywhere near me.  Three different times I had to leave my work area and hide out in the ladies' room for a bit to get away from it all.  Each time, I checked my pulse on my FitBit and while normally during work hours it ranges 70-85 bpm, but it was well over 125 as I was trying to work and all this energy was swirling around me.  I felt as if it was surrounding me like a snake curling around it's next victim, slowly squeezing tighter.  It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's quite overwhelming!   But a few minutes alone with some breathing exercises helps me focus and regroup.  I use an app called "Calm" and it has a breathing exercise.  Thank goodness for these apps!



So now I'm at a place ... what do I do for a three day weekend?  Chores?  Some creative project?  Sleep?  I often am overwhelmed with what could be choices, and end up doing something only half way.  I would love to get out and take some photos, that would be my ideal.  But when my "cup feels empty", it's hard to put yourself into something creative.  Maybe some time on the road would feel good, it's becoming much cooler in the early morning hours -- it was 68 when I walked Sadie at 5am, and I almost wanted a sweater!  lol


Speaking of walking Sadie, with cooler temps, and an evening breeze, she wouldn't settle until I took her for a walk.  She loves to walk, and I indulge her as often as I can.  But the wind was too much, it blows dust into her nose and she ends up panting and coughing an hour after our 15 minute walk.  So I need to keep an eye on that with her.  Yep.   Pugs are a very temperamental breed.

I started a closed Facebook group for my family, to have a place to post about family history.  But the only two people who might like a post, or care enough to make a comment, has been my mother and my Aunt Carol.  It makes me sad that the younger generation doesn't ... I mean, it took me a while to act on it, but I've always known that I can't be who I am supposed to be unless I know where I come from.  And in my family's case .... an even more difficult thing, because they were always so close mouthed about our history.  What I've learned, and able to surmise is from generalities about what people have written about farming life on the prairie.  Which is probably why I never became a teacher -- I would expect too much.

Another Tuesday

It's been a wild ride this past week!  My worker is on vacation, so I'm having to do both my job and his.  That's ok, I get them done!  But it's been a rough go of it this time.  On Friday night, Sadie and I were both trying to turn around in the doorway to the little bathroom.  Needless to say, there is NOT room for both of us!  My feet got tangled, I was worried I was going to step on her and took a mis-step and jammed my right pinkie toe against the door jam.  Shooting pains slammed over me as I held on so I didn't actually fall down ..... I hobbled to the bed and just sat.  Walking was painful, but I knew that I needed to elevate.  I grabbed some ice, stuck a sock on my foot to hold the toes in place, and rested it on a pillow.  In the morning, my foot was swollen and it took great effort to put on a shoe!  Thank goodness I was only working 6 hours on Saturday!

By the time I got home, I was SO happy to slip off my shoes.  The right side of my foot is black and blue, and right between those two toes, it's nearly purple.  Not only have I sprained my toe, but it looks like I broke a couple of blood vessels in there as well.   I soaked it, then rested until the next day.

Sunday wasn't as bad, still a little swelling.  Once I get a shoe on and keep the toe stabilized, I'm able to walk pretty well -- at least it isn't a hobble any longer!  Another few days and things should be good again.  *crossing my fingers*



I had an "A-HA" moment when watching a few of my fav episodes from Frasier.  It's the one where Niles elopes with Mel, and Daphne confesses she has feelings for Niles to Frasier.  The night of her wedding, Frasier talks to both Niles and Daphne, convincing them to have a private talk.  But Daphne can't just leave Donny at the altar.  And they part ways.  The next day, she escapes her own wedding and meets up with Niles in the Winnebago - and it's L-O-V-E.    My "a-ha" moment was when I realized why I have always been enthralled with those episodes.  Well, first, I'm female and happy endings are part of what we like.  But the other part is realizing that I was hoping that would have been the case for me.  I didn't want to be married, I kept hoping Ron would be my knight in shining armor and sweep me away from it all.  But I learned from Daphne that if that's what I truly wanted, I needed to find the courage to run away myself.  And at the time, I was too young, too inexperienced to know that.  So I got married anyways.  The marriage only lasted 9 years.  And to this day, I still wonder what became of Ron.

Maybe some day, I'll have my answer.

Unfortunately, It's Tuesday

Such a very odd week for me.  I worked Sunday, then had Monday off.  And because I have a very hectic schedule coming up, I allowed Monday to be a day of rest and do nothings kind of day.  But what a price to pay in my BigBox Store!

I am always there early/on time, and the first thing I usually do is clean and straighten things up so that the rest of the day flows smoothly and by 8am, well into doing the normal stuff.  Today?  I didn't even begin the normal routine until 1pm.  Yes.  That's what a mess I walked into after One. Day. Off.

The main printer was offline because it needed a "maintenance kit" installed.  You change one main roller in the back, and two rollers for each paper tray.  But no, they waited until I arrived.  Another mess left:  a box of hazardous pool shock left on the floor of my area for me to deal with.  Then there's running all the reports that didn't print because the printer was off-line.  The store ran out of paper towels and why??????  *sorry, not a mind reader*  The powers that be (higher up) have a limit of 2 cases of paper towels to be ordered each week.  (We use about 10 cases a week.)

Is having a day off worth it???   Hmmm.  Most times I answer that with a "no".  But it's really not fair that things are left for me.  I'm getting old(er) .... what would happen if I had to have two weeks off??  My BigBox store sounds like it would fall apart!  ( lmao, we are ALL replaceable in the world of retail!)

but some days....... grrrrrr.......

Nothing sounds better than a hot shower, an ice cold bottle of water,
and crawl into bed to watch some Antiques Roadshow.

Unfortunately, it's Tuesday.  Guess it'll be Frasier - get me a few laughs in!

Sunday Musings

Here it is, Sunday night.  And I'm a bit out of sorts.  I worked today.  I'm off on Monday.  I can't remember the last time I had a Monday off!  I think it's been years!  But I have the day off so that I can cover a vacation.  It'll be a love/hate week of work - LOTS of work, I'll be doing the work of two persons, in a one-person shift.  Cuz that's how retail rolls.  :/   But I'm good, I work smarter, not harder.  lol  My Dad always told me that one!!

So many odd dreams lately, I haven't been taking a notes, just remembering what I can.  In one, I was teaching my ex mother-in-law how to shoot a rifle.  Verrrrry strange!   It's an odd feeling, being filled with all these weird images that involve people from my past.  I'm guessing it might mean there are unresolved issues? or things left unsaid I wished I'd said?   Hard to say.  Or maybe it's as simple as "if there was someone I wanted to hurt with a rifle, Doris would be the one who'd stand by me and help??"  lmao.  Ok.  Probably not that.

Closer to the truth would be it's related to my delving into the past with some family history.  I just can't seem to let go of a few things that really bother me.  My Dad's family was raised in a town called Alvarado.  His grandmother lived in town, on Fering Street, and paid $7/month rent in 1930 according to the census.  And she lived alone.  In this same year, only 300+/- people lived in this town.  One of them was her half brother, Olof and his kids.  This is an old time community, 1930 was a difficult year, and folks in the midwest farming communities pulled together - you depended on family to get you through the tough times.  And yet, as far as I can tell, there are no family stories, or photos, of any kind of get-togethers, even on holidays.  I have some wonderful old copies of events from parts of the family, but absolutely nothing on this other side of the family.  It's just ... so odd.  Contradicts everything we were raised with, values and such.  I keep hoping, and thinking, that if I poke hard enough, something will come to light.  But I'm guessing not, and I should just be able to leave it alone.  It's probably time to do just that, and go with the memories that we DO have and leave the rest alone.

And maybe the dreams will stop as well.

Workin' Whoa's

I've been finding lately that my dreams coincide with lengthy bouts of sleep time.  Normally, I sleep 90 minutes then my FitBit logs a "restless" frame of time.  I'm hoping that just means rolling over, but sometimes it's staring at the TV for a while.  But the last few days with heavy dreams I've been sleeping for 3-hour stretches.  Weird for me, but I'm liking this pattern, because I need that quality down time to recharge for whatever tomorrow will hold!

And it's all about loads of changes at my BigBox Store.  Most of them have to do with changing over from their hardwired computer system to new little APPs.  And like everything else, there's an app for that!!   Looks like they're making that come true.  But being the "back office team leader" on all things changing it's up to me to keep up, to learn and then teach.  By the end of every day, my brain is on overload.  (Which probably has resulted in the deep sleep and heavy dreams!)  

On top of all that, if you're following along on my Elvis saga - this guy just keeps burying himself.  When you're told something has changed at your job, it's up to you to care enough to remember the change.  Elvis doesn't.  I'm not sure if somewhere along the line, he started to believe himself invincible and that he can keep on doing his own thing?  Management must be making some decisions - I was called back to work yesterday afternoon to forward emails concerning all of the incidents and run-ins that I've had with him.  What they do with that info is up to them.  *smh* 

So in the overall scheme of things, I'm at this crossroad again.  With an all new management team that so far has turned out to be all strong, vocal (read: bossy) women, and that doesn't work well with me.  The latest for my own job performance has been removing the tool that sets the work schedule for the 5 of us on our team.  Since I won't be doing the schedules, I won't be covering missing shifts.  Guess the new "strong, vocal (read: bossy) manager can fill in when someone's missing!   *smh*  (yes, that sounds kind of snarky on my part but this is the fourth time "new management" has taken over in the past 6 years; they do this same thing: take away the scheduling tool - until they're missing a few shifts, then it's "oh please can you do this again for us?"  ugh)  

Dreamin' Again

It is Monday, normally my ... self-inflicted "tech free day".  A very long work day, it's never fun working in a BigBox Store when everyone else is off work --- and shopping :/



But I had the oddest dream last night.   I was watching what I thought was a sunset.  The big orange sun was setting, but rather than travel in direction to sink along the horizon, it swirled, dipped, and took a spin in many directions.  Just before the sun set, it was covered in clouds, or was it smoke?  and zoomed closer to me.  Once the breeze blew away the clouds/smoke, it revealed itself as an alien head -- big black eyes, flat red face.  It seemed to be telling me something, but I couldn't or didn't understand.   (Of course, now the theme song from "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" is running through my head!)



I'm sure the dream was meant to tell me something, or to notice something that I'm missing.  I pondered it all day, and didn't come up with anything.

Maybe tonight.

Weird Thoughts

Sometimes I have weird thoughts in my head.  Today's thought was about my TV viewing habits.  Is there a reason behind the binge watching that I do?

For many years, I watched very little TV.  In fact, so little TV that it was only a year ago that I replaced my very old 19" tube TV -- you remember, the kind that were two feet deep and must weight 70 lbs?  Between the big screen TV and Netflix, I watch a lot more.  But the weird thing is I watch things in binges.  At first, I binge watched all 11 seasons of Frazier, several times!  And then, for a while, I couldn't get enough Blue Bloods.  (then season 6 came along and I wasn't as impressed with it ......).  It got to the point with either show that I have lines memorized!

I got caught up in Orange is the New Black, I watched an Australian show called "Dance Academy" and just loved the actor Jordan Rodriques ---- which led me to watch Bring It On: Worldwide #Cheersmack --- um, ugh, but it was fun watching him!  I also binged on "Highway Thru Hell". During our summer heat, it was oddly soothing to watch big rigs running in the snow ......

Which brings me back to my original weird thought:  Is there a reason behind the binge watching that I do?  What brought me back to watching "Frazier" again ??  I'm wondering if it fills some unacknowledged need I have.  Or that there's so little people drama that goes unresolved in the show that it's soothing after a day of work-drama ??  Sophisticated humor could be part of it.


Bustle says "We tend to gravitate toward binge-watching when we experience more stress in our lives. For better or worse, binge-watching is one way our brain now responds to anxiety. Does that mean you should cancel your accounts? Absolutely not. The trick is to introduce as many other alternatives to dealing with stress as the ones we choose through television.  Because whatever happens, that next episode will still be there tomorrow. "

When this little symbol appears on my screen, it's like euphoria! at the end of a long work day.

OK, maybe it's as simple as having the TV run as if there's other people in the house.  And maybe it IS to reduce some of the daytime stress induced by work.

But come cooler weather, I'm going to try and curb some of this TV watching
-- until next summer!

Fall & Old Loves

Fall is coming soon to the Valley of the Sun.  While it's still over 100's on a daily basis, you can sense there's a change in the weather about to happen.   And as I get older, I find myself wanting to know about the people who meant a lot to me when I was a lot younger.  People who influenced me in a big way when I was still trying to find my own identity.  One of those people is a guy named Ron Parker.

When I was 19-20 years old, I worked for a forklift dealership, back in the service department.  I would take calls from customers and dispatch a mechanic over to fix their forklift.  It was a job that took a lot of time management, and I was really good at it.  (Besides, what better job for a young female than a job telling ten men where to go and what to do ????)  I took a few lumps and hard knocks from a few of them, but I earned their respect, and most of them treated me like a little sister.  They watched out for me if we stopped for drinks after work, made sure I was OK to drive home, listened when life seemed unfair.  Except Ron.  He was different.  Long and lanky, he had a quick smile and great eyes.  He was pretty handy with a wrench, too!    I was hooked, fell hard.  But I was engaged to my high school sweetheart.  (Which is another weird and winding story...)

I was young and inexperienced in the ways of other men, having known only my high school sweetheart.  I was raised old fashioned and since he was my first, I knew I was supposed to stay .... and then I met Ron.  He was many things my fiance wasn't.  And when I was with him, I felt important, that what I had to say mattered, that my knowledge and my common sense didn't have to be hidden, because he was just as smart and had just as much common sense.  It's hard to put it all into words because so many years have passed, but he was just so much more than my fiance.

We started hanging out together, enjoying a few beers with the guys after work.   It became a weekly ritual and needless to say, I wasn't fit to drive one night.  I went home with Ron.  He didn't take advantage of me, he just took care of me, let me sleep it off.  Without having to add any high school style commentary, or rude jokes.

We became close, and I was sure it was love.  And more than that.  Because we were friends on equal footing.  And that seemed important.  I started hanging out at his house, he took me to meet his parents.  No one pushed, even though it was obvious that I had an important decision to make:  Ron or Fiance.   And I wanted Ron.  So I told my parents, who went through the roof because wedding plans were already in place.  They had me in counseling with the family pastor immediately.  Oddly enough, he agreed that if I had this many doubts, I probably shouldn't get married.  But my parents were good with the guilt, and I walked down that aisle, looking over my shoulder every chance I could get, wondering if Ron would be there "like a knight in shining armor" ready to take me away from the place I didn't really want to be.

As I look back on all that now, I don't recall much of my wedding at all.  And Ron is the reason why.   But he had too much respect for me as a person to choose for me; he knew I needed to choose for myself.   In the end, I couldn't go against my parents' wishes.

But here is it, fall again, and I find myself thinking of him, because I enjoyed our time together in September into November.

I wonder what became of his life, did he marry or have kids?
has he been happy?  Is he still in California?
.Does he ever think about me?

Maybe some day, I'll have my answers.

Planet Fitness

I'm a member of Planet Fitness.  I chose this gym because it's 2 minutes from work, I can dash over on my lunch hour to get a bit of cardio in.  Today, because I was done with work at 10am, I headed over to the gym and hopped on the treadmill.  I purposefully covered the digital display so I wouldn't be distracted with numbers, or more specifically ... how much time has gone? and is it enough time that I can stop?!!!   I set the parameters for 55 minutes and just let it go.  The first time I got the urge to check the time, I was past 30 minutes.

And that's where the I hit "the exercise high".  I felt like I could keep on going ... and going ... and going.    I added another 5 minutes to make it an even 60, and to make sure I got past the 3 mile mark.   The Beach Boys came over the headset and I cranked up the speed so that my running pace would match the beat of the music.

With a mix of 80s head bangin' stuff, to some country tunes, one of the last ones was Jason Aldean's "The Only Way I Know".   Really strikes a chord with me, because I was raised on country music and that's just how it's always been for me:

"That’s the only way I know

Don’t stop 'til everything’s gone

Straight ahead, never turn round

Don’t back up, don’t back down

Full throttle, wide open

You get tired and you don’t show it

Dig a little deeper when you think you can’t dig no more

That’s the only way I know"

And it spurred me on, finished it out at 65 minutes, 3.25 miles.
Then I hit the machines for some more leg work.
If work hadn't called and interrupted me, I might have done even more!


As I get older, I have come to find that losing weight is a very real struggle.  Because it is, about two weeks ago, I decided that weight loss wasn't going to be my thing, and put it out of my head.  I changed my thoughts toward staying healthy.  And amazingly enough, I've now lost 8 lbs in the past two weeks!   So was I stressing about it so much that I was hindering progress?  Don't know, don't care.  I just keep going so that I'll maintain some muscle, some balance, and some good health.

Memories

Here we are, it's Saturday, my only day off this week.  9am, it's nearly 100 degrees out there already, thank goodness Sadie woke me up for an early morning walk!!  Much as I'd rather sleep in, I also know that I need that morning walk to jumpstart my day.

A day full of chores, and a lot of introspection lately.  I started a family history page and devoted my summer to making a post every day using old photos from slides and writing a little bit about who we were, what was going on, things like that.  Mostly because I needed a project because I can't be outdoors in this summer heat.  And I needed something that was cheap.  At the same time, I'm posting old black and white photos that I've accumulated over the years of family.  Some I know who they are, others ....  I'm just hoping someone in the family chimes in and gives me a hint if they know anything about the photo at all.



I recently posted this photo of my Dad.  He's probably 17 or 18, and I think the lock of hair on his brow gives him an Elvis kind of look!  It's a fun picture for me, because I always remember my dad bald on top, with the ruffle of hair around the sides.

What I didn't know about the photo is he's sitting on the bridge that leads from Alvarado to Oslo, MN.  And that my mom still carries this picture in her wallet, 60+ years later!!!!

We all get busy with our lives, going about the day to day, and we sometimes forget in the busy-ness that it's the people in our lives in the here and now that are important.

Once they're gone, you only have memories.  And as time passes, there are fewer people who share those memories.  
Make wonderful memories!
every single day.

Milestones

As we get older, it feels as if the "milestones" we looked forward to are fewer and further between!  Turning 5, 10, 21.  Elementary school, Jr High, High School, College.  Marriage.  Kids.  Well, you get the picture!

Today, for me, is another measurable milestone.  It speaks of my ability to endure stupidity on many levels, my ability to be "grace under pressure", to work harder and faster each day - never getting enough done - only to go back and repeat the next day.  Yes, it's a work anniversary.  17 years with my BigBox Store!  *whew*

What started out as a part time overnight just-for-the-summer job to earn money to pay back and debt to the IRS ($800), has turned into a career.  Sort of.  I've climbed the "hourly ladder" as high as it can go, and have turned down every attempt to get me to join management.  And after this long, I'm certain that's been a wise decision on my part.   I enjoy the actual facets of my job; I just dislike the management portion that gets shoved my way.  I like the people I work with ... in the casual "hey, how's it going" kind of thing.  But when it comes down to the nitty gritty, they're all so young and seem to have a "momma will clean up after me" attitude.   I'm betting they still live at home!  ha!

So here's to another few years until the next big milestone:  Retirement!!

3268 Days ... And Counting!!

Genealogy!

I'm addicted.  I go through starts and stops, looking for data and photos.   My project over the summer has been to put stories and descriptions to the photos of us growing up.  Because a photo has little meaning if you don't give it some perspective, something people can relate to!  This is a photo of  Emma Pape Beckman.

And with all the technology these days, all the things being digitized, you just never know what you're going to find when you search out something.

My latest?  My great grandfather traveled to America in 1882 with his sister.  I was always told her name was Anna.  Turns out, it's Emma!  And after some trial and error and hours of research, I finally found that she decided she was going to be a part of this great nation.  She got herself a claim of land in "Dutch Point"  North Dakota.  (Later to be Nelson County, then Tolna).  She married the man who's land bordered hers.  But I also found a description of life on that prairie!

Emma Pape came to America and to Grand Forks with her uncle, Fred Forrester, in 1882. There her uncle started the first meat market in that new town with a Mr. Dobmeyer.   With uncounted acres of "free land" on every side the young woman, Emma Pape, soon staked out a claim on what was known as "Dutch Point".   She met the conditions of a strange land and reacted as did all the pioneers who stuck to their land.  In the following year, 1885, Emma was married to Charles Beckman whose homestead joined hers.

Their honeymoon was a train trip from Grand Forks to Michigan, from which point Charles walked to his pre-emption, returning the next day with a yoke of oxen and a new wagon to take his bride to their prairie home.   They were destined to live their for four decades.   Their house was a 10 by 10 shack.   They proved 320 acres of land on the spot where the present farmstead now is located.

After a few months in the tiny shack, the Beckman's built a 12 by 18 home on the line between their two claims.   This seemed luxurious after living in the small quarters where bedding and other things had to be put outside each day to make room for the daily activities.   The furniture in the first home consisted of one wooden bedstead, a second hand dresser, cook stove, and two chairs.   The carpenter who built the 12 by 18 house also built a table and some shelves, and also a bench.

Now... can you imagine?  Living in a 10x10 shack?  The two of you. Yikes!  And even their home being 12x18, and raising five kids in there.  Granted, it doesn't say but after a convo with my mom, I'm betting this new home had a sleeping loft for the kids!  Spring, Summer, Fall, you can spend a lot of time outdoors, but winter in North Dakota!??  Brrrrr!!!!   All 7 people holed up .... Yep, I'd have me a bad case of cabin fever in just a few days!

Bad Dreams!

Quite the dream:

I was called in to work.  And while I knew it was my BigBox store, it had the feel of a Goodwill store.  I was called in to clean up a mess left by Elvis.  It was evening, but he came back to work.  We were going back and forth with the work load, and I was doing my best to avoid him.  He asked me something, I gave him a short answer, and when I took something to a different department, he followed.

He was holding me at gunpoint.  I was on my back, the gun pointed at my belly.  And I was talking at him, trying to talk my way out of this whole situation, talk him down. But he was a bit wild; his attention would wander and he'd wave the gun around.   Management was refusing to do anything with him.

Trying to avoid him, I moved to a different area of the store, working in the children's clothing dept.  His attention redirected, I found an opportunity to run!


When I finally got away from him, running and hiding behind and around racks of clothing, I headed toward the back, where there were long hallways with doors.  Each door was a room used for housing homeless women.  I tried to hide in one of the rooms where two women were trying on long sweater dresses.  I left the room and headed down the hallway only to find a locked door.  At the window, I knocked, trying to get someone's attention.  It didn't do any good.

As with all weirded out dreams, this one didn't have an ending.  But it spooked me enough that I turned on the TV and couldn't get back to sleep for nearly two hours.

Interpretations:

• To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You may be feeling victimized in some situation.
• 
  
• Dreaming of being in a hallway may reflect transitions in waking life that are uncertain, difficult, scary, or dangerous.
• 
  
• A locked door can be a symbol of goals out of reach or of gossip behind your back.   A locked door may reflect your own unwillingness to open up to others or possible anti-social behavior.
• 
  

Obviously, I have issues with Elvis.
And may be just a little bit afraid of what he may be capable of?

It's All Linked Now!

With this digital age, and having to fill out all kinds of information for just about anything you do online, I can't ever remember getting so many Happy Wishes from corporations.  lol   When you get to be my age, all you want to do is let the day pass as normal as possible!

But every time you open up your email.... there's another!

JustFab, SparkPeople, ShareCare, AARP, Southwest Airlines, even my dentist hopes I have a "reason to smile" today.   *cheeesey*    --smh--

For myself, I puttered and did things that I felt like doing, when I felt like doing them.  I also attended a memorial for my Aunt Marge that the hospital did for the other volunteers she worked with, and they invited local family to attend.  I thought it was very sweet of them to do that.  Nearly everyone had something to say about Marge - because she was that kind of woman!  She wasn't preachy in telling people what she thought.  But if you asked, she would give you her no-nonsense advice.  I used to call her to check in, see how things were going.  And when my Dad was going through his chemo and all that entailed, she was very helpful with her advice.  I can only hope that when it's my time to go, that I'm as calm and accepting as she was, that I have all my "ducks in a row" so that no one's left to deal with a whole lot of decisions that no one wants to make.  I miss her!

I treated myself to a turkey, bacon, avocado sandwich from Subway, and there's a carton of Ben & Jerrys Chocolate Fudge Brownie in the freezer .....  :)

and being born in July, my birthstone is Ruby:

With all this good stuff, I ought to be wearing every ruby I own!

Time for chocolate...... 

Happy Weekend!

Be Inspired!

#BeInspired

Today I left work at noon, and I could have done anything....

but I *chose* to go to the gym!

After yesterday's frustrations, and more aggravation today, I accepted the fact that I can't change anything.  And maybe it isn't anything I'm meant to change.  So I just moved on.  I did my portion of the job and when I had a discussion with the individual of my "Frustrations" post about his leaving early as there is no overtime allowed, he pulled a "so-and-so told me it's ok".  (The so-and-so doesn't work with us!)  I calmly discussed it with management, and when they didn't have a clear answer, and my co-worker was an hour into overtime, I decided to clock out and leave.  Ohh how I wanted to just find an eatery and use food to calm the agitation.  Instead, I grabbed a water and headed for the gym.

A half mile on the treadmill, 7 minutes on the elliptical (my thigh muscles are out of shape!) and another half mile on the treadmill.  Leg workouts, some stretching and a few arm exercise and I headed home.  Frankly, I wanted a nap SOOO bad, but Sadie had other plans!

It's been a hard journey, in 4 weeks, I'm down 5 lbs.  OK.  That's not quite what I was hoping for, but at my age, ANY loss is a win!  I just gotta keep on keepin' on!

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, 

but rarely admit the changes it has gone through 

to achieve that beauty.” 

― Maya Angelou

Frustrations!

From Forbes:  Difficult co-workers can high-jack your emotions. They trigger something in you that causes you to almost act or think irrationally , which is not exactly a healthy situation in which you can succeed. You may find that sooner or later your exasperation expands until every little thing that person does makes you want to tear your hair out.

• The first step they suggest is to figure out which co-worker it is.   (I have NO problem knowing that one)

From Forbes:  Figure out exactly why this person provokes such resentment. Start by getting specific about your feelings towards this person. Rather than making overblown, blanket statements like “She's the most annoying person on earth,” identify the emotions provoked. Irritation? Insignificance? Disappointment? This list can help you find the right words to describe your feelings.

• Ok.  This person does only as much as need be done in order to keep his job.  He doesn't go "above and beyond" on days when the need is there.  After doing the same job for five+ years, he still asks the same simple questions that he should already know the answer to.  He always "fudges" in his own favor.  When attending an off-site function, he padded his time on each end by 15 minutes.  He's been observed punching in on the time clock 15 minutes early, then sitting in the employee lounge until it's time for him to report to his work area.  

From Forbes:  Simply labeling the emotions has a soothing cognitive effect that allows you to embrace a solution-focused mindset. Similarly, identify the exact behaviors your co-worker does that frustrate you. Move from “I can’t stand being around him” to “I think it’s really disrespectful when she talks over people in meetings."  Zeroing in on what triggers you is the first step to creating a road map to conquer the problem.

Instead of feeling driven up the wall by someone and then just stewing in that vexation, tune into how that action or trait of theirs is calling you to learn a lesson about yourself. Simply trying to be more tolerant of that person isn’t a long-term fix. Leveraging the displeasure they cause you in order to practice self-awareness and become a better leader in the process, however, is.

• This one is more difficult for me.  I'm highly organized and motivated.  I mentally set my tasks to a time schedule at the start of each day, and unless that list is totally railroaded by management, I stick to it as much as possible.  I've tried teaching this trick to my co-worker but there's no effort on his part to attempt it.  

It's not as if there are just annoying little habits -- I have that with other co-workers and we get along just fine.  But when a person is dishonest and has little integrity for his own work performance, it's very hard for me to respect the individual.  My own situation has gone on for more than five years, and I've finally realized that no matter what, he isn't going to change.  

Here's the latest:  On his normal day off, a regional meeting (that he wasn't required to attend) was held at a hotel for the entire region's employees who do my job at other BigBox stores.  Because it was his day off, he showed up in shorts and a tee (dress code is required on the clock!) and I felt that he was thumbing his nose at the management team.  He also "considered himself a guest of the hotel" and helped himself to the breakfast buffet.   Seriously?  Who does that?  Am I wrong?  If I am, someone please tell me!  I realize that in the bigger scheme of things, these are small potatoes.  But this is also the same person who is vocal to everyone sitting in the employee lounge that he's looking for a big ticket lawsuit to slap on the store.  Every time he is talked to about his work ethic and/or lack of following procedure, he takes his "case" further up the chain of command to get his coaching reversed.  And 9 times out of 10, someone along the line reverses it -- I think just to get him off their own back.

Which leaves the same problem squarely in my lap.  

I've a couple of options, because we actually only work together 3 days a week.  I work my tail off to get things prepped for the day before he arrives.  Once he arrives and settles into his work, I get busy on paperwork.  Sometimes, like today, he comes in and leans over and snoops on my computer screen as if he's trying to "learn something".  That's when I close the screen and find a different computer to work at.  

I'm still trying to find options to this difficult working situation.  I've even considered asking for different working hours, to have less time working with him.  4-1pm?  That would be only 5 hours, with each of us taking an hour lunch.... Wonder if the bosses would go for that???  Something to consider.  

Just random ramblings - it helps me find answers!
thanks for listening

Age and Random Thoughts

Age is just a number, and it's never bothered me.  I turned 30, 40 and 50 without any qualms.  I think my favorite age was 45, and I'm not sure why!?   This year, I turn 58.  Just another number, but .. it's so much easier to slip into thoughts about being on the "other side" of things.  I'm not sure why.  Probably because in truth, I'm more than "half way there".  I won't live to 116, so .... numerically speaking....

I just signed up and paid for my annual AARP membership.  THAT for me was more a turning point than anything else.  hehehe   I have been avoiding notices from them for six years, and figured it's time to jump on the bandwagon.   

(Saw this cartoon, thought it funny! 

of course, Y M C A was a huge hit in 1978)

In other news, my car finally rolled over 1000 miles.  Weird having a car with such low mileage.  I must say, I'm loving the new car thing tho!   It's clean, inside and out!  This heated summer, I'm really liking the custom window tints the car came with.  It drives smooth, it's 2 feet shorter than my Impala, and 3" narrower (not that big of a difference!) and weighs 500lbs less that the Impala as well.  And I'm really noticing it at the gas pump!  I'm saving about $10 a fill-up, and that's quite the savings!  All the little high tech stuff .. I have 4G network in the car, but since I'm the driver, and can't utilize it while I'm driving, it's sort of a non essential.  I like that the bluetooth on my phone hooks up to the car, I can drive and talk "hands free".  The only drawback in the heat is it automatically lowers the AC fan - and I need that on high when I'm driving home from work!  It's the little things :)

We're in Monsoon season here in the Valley of the Sun, and lately, it's been one round of clouds and humidity after another.  Most of the rain hits in the foothills before it reaches me, but the wind that blows through can be rather nice!  It's knocking down more palm fronds, I won't be paying anyone to come trim that tree this year!  But they're a pain in the but to snap in half to fit in the garbage can.  I had to clean up another seven fronds on Thursday.  And what did I find when I came home on Friday?  Yep, two more fronds.  lol   Such are the things in my life!

My last advice on growing older:  

Don't spend your time wishing for things to be different;  you'll never be this age, and you can't go back and be younger again (and frankly, who'd want to?)  Be happy with each day, with each moment, so that when you look back, you have no regrets.