A New Year!

I was thinking about the New Year today, found my mind wandering to music differences.  When I was growing up, I listened to songs like: "from a jack to a king, from loneliness to a wedding ring.  I played an ace and I won a queen. You made me king of your heart."    I always liked that song!  

But then I remembered another favorite:  "stand by your man, give him two arms to cling to, when the nights are cold and lonely".  Compare that to a recent country hit: "she's everything you're ever gonna need, and then I hope she cheats like you did on me."

Another comes to mind:  "c'mon people now. Smile on your brother, everybody get together, try to love one another right now."

Is music a sign of the times? Does it reflect what's going on at the moment? Or does it bode of things to come?

Either way, I believe music will be a part of the fabric of our lives.  But sometimes I find myself wishing for the old times, the old tunes:  "Sunday, Monday, happy days ....... "

Happy New Year to all!  🍾 🥂 

Slide Shows

When my Dad got cancer, I was living in another state.  I wanted to make sure I stayed in touch -- he wasn't much of a talker on the phone and I had only recently moved to Arizona, so I got out and took pictures of things. Sometimes I would write stories, sometimes I would write captions, trying to depict something like local history.  All in all, I guess I ended up sending 30 or 40 DVDs over the years.  

After Dad died, my aunt and I visited Mom, and I brought along a DVD to share.  They're only 10-15 mins long.  We were all sitting there watching when Mom's grandson drove up to wash his truck. She jumped up and ran out to help him.   After the DVD ended, I pulled it out and shoved it back in my suitcase.   I never made her another DVD again. 

Today, she was organizing things in her house and she wondered out loud to me on the phone if she should get rid of them.  Yeah, whatever.  And why not, she will never watch them again. 

Isn't it funny how its the little things that can create so much ill feelings.  I'm sure she doesn't realize it.  But that's my mom.

Just One More Call

Dear Aunt Margie:  its been a few years now, and I still miss you and your wisdom, your understanding and practical advice.  How I wish you were still here to help me navigate through this roller coaster of caring for mom.  I used to call you on Thursdays on my way home from work.  I still want to do that!!

Some days, I'm miserable when I ponder that mom could last another 20 years,  live as long as her dad did.  Then I feel guilty -- its not that I am wishing her gone, just trying to make plans.  Because I like things orderly!

Sometimes I lay in bed and think "what would Margie say??"  And sometimes I know the answer that comes to me is from you.   

What I wouldn't give to have just one more call with you! 

Why the Guilt?

When I have a day off work, I struggle with opposing issues:  to rest up or to get things accomplished.   My days off are split up, Weds and Saturdays.  Getting rest is important.  But because I work a lot, there is always a lengthy To Do list as well.

I wake up early, yet force myself to stay in bed and rest.  But resting here, I feel guilty for not jumping up and working on the list.  Why the guilt?  Every body needs rest; we function better when we're rested.

The next jump my brain makes is to depression ..... am I doing nothing because I'm depressed???  With all the things I've been through, am going through, its not impossible to side with depression.  

One thing I do to combat those thoughts is a daily walk in a park.  I challenged myself to to 30 walks in 30 days.  It helps!!  Yesterday's walk was at Veterans Oasis Park. 

Time to jump up and start on my To Do list!  If I work fast, I can rest later ... before today's walk!

Self Realizations

 I have been forcing myself to take a walk in a park every day, usually after work. I decided that I needed to do this, so challenged myself to 30walks in 30days.  So far so good!  5 days in and I'm still at it!

But what I just realized is that when I'm out in nature, I am drawn to trees and water.  Not that I have an explanation for it, but was reviewing photos I have taken, and yep, water and trees.

While I enjoy all parts of nature, those are a definite draw!  I have come to really enjoy these odd little self realizations that spring up from time to time!!

Faded Memories (1996 or so)

Sometimes, something comes up that brings back a wave of memories.  That happened to me Saturday while I was noodling around on the computer, looking at some music files to transfer to my MP3 player ( yes, i know, I'm Old Skool!!)   Back in 1996 (while I'm not positive this was the exact year, its close), I was married but not happily.  I considered myself content, but perhaps because I didn't know any better?  

And somewhere in there I met JavaJoe from Chicago online.  In 1996, the internet was just beginning to be readily available, and I was learning all I could.  There were newsgroups and IRC to connect with folks from all over, all of us learning what the internet could do for us!  We started chatting and sharing, we had an instant sympatico, with long conversations about nothing and everything at the same time.  

He taught me so many things,  and introduced me to the singer Joshua Kadison. And the song Beautiful In My Eyes.  I love his album "Painted Desert Serenade".  He has a unique style of story telling in his music, but Beautiful is my favorite:

"You're my peace of mind in this crazy world.

You're everything I've tried to find

Your love is a pearl

You're my Mona Lisa 

You're my rainbow skies

And my only prayer is that you realize

You'll always be beautiful in my eyes."

It was through JavaJoe that I learned what a truly deep love is about. I can remember humming this song to myself, my arms wrapped around a pillow, smiling as I drifted off to sleep.  It also made me very aware that my own marriage wasn't everything it could, and should, be.

We never know where true inspiration will come from, or where it will lead us.  Here more than 15 yrs later, I rediscovered this music, added it my iPod and have listened to it many times today.   And it makes me understand why I am still single to this day.  Finding a man who can resonate that feeling toward a woman is rare. And I'm not willing to settle for less again.  Three times was enough!

Gal Vs The Gecko

About a week ago, I came home and walked in the front door; I immediately noticed a gecko clinging to the back side of my couch and I thought, WTH?  So I ran to the back door and grabbed my broom.  I slowly walked past the gecko just hanging there on my couch and opened the front door, with the intention of swooshing him off the couch and out the front door, where he belongs.  I swung the broom and woosh he went, but hit against the wall instead of out the door.  When he thumped to the floor, he took off running down the hallway.  I chased him for a bit, but he dashed into Brian's room where there are too many places for him to hide.  

Round 1 to the gecko.

Three days later, I walked into the living room and there was that damned gecko clinging to the back side of my couch again!  Luckily, I hadn't put the broom away because I knew that my battle with this gecko was not done yet.   I grabbed the broom, and opened the front door again.  I was so sure my aim would be better this time!   I took my stance, batter up!  Swing and woosh, the gecko hits the frame of the door.  But I never saw where he went after that.  I couldn't find him and I looked everywhere.  I thought perhaps he had somehow fallen into 12pack of Lime LaCroix sitting on the floor.  If he had fallen into that, then maybe he wasn't able to move, and I'd just let him be for a couple days before I attempted to move it anywhere.  

Round 2 to the gecko.

Today, my day off, and I knew that I needed to make sure there wasn't a rotting gecko corpse in my box of drinks. I grabbed my garden gloves and kicked the case out the front door.  I ripped open the package and shook all the cans onto the ground.  Nope.  No gecko corpse.  But I decided that I needed to move the couch and the hope chest, vacuum all around it, making sure I didn't have a gecko corpse anywhere, and I didn't.  *whew*   

After all the cleaning, I was sitting on the couch, reading a good story on my phone when I heard this weird swish sound.  Curious, I peeked over and noticed that my little "bug house" -- really a glue board that catches the crickets that worm their way under my front door-- was moving!  I looked at it from far away of course! and could see that the gecko's tail was attached to a bit of the glue.  I ignored it for a bit, thinking he would get tired out and I could scoop him outside in a while.  But noooooooo.  I put away some laundry in the bedroom and walked back out.  I could see that he had gotten free of the little bug house and was under the front door.  I could see a foot and part of his tail sticking out.  I opened the front door, thinking he'd be really happy to be out where he could be free, but nope! That little bugger ran back down the hallway.  He was standing there in between Brian's door and the garage door, not moving, as if he was taunting me!!

Not to be outdone by a gecko, I grabbed my garage door opener and opened the garage door.  I thought if I could open up the door from the garage side, perhaps he would run into the garage.  I turned the knob and -- oh shit, it's locked!  I happened to have my keys on my, so I tried every key but none of them open that door.  I walked back in through the front door -- mind you, it's hot and my front door has been standing open for 15 minutes or so because of this gecko! -- and I grabbed the spare keys off the rack, hoping that one of them would unlock the garage door.  One of them finally did, I slowly opened the door and propped it open with a paint can.  And there's the gecko, still staring at me, but hasn't moved from his spot on the tile floor.  I ran around to come back in the front door, grabbed my broom and started swishing it on the floor and the gecko zoomed his little self out into the garage.

Round 3 to Gal!

Tomorrow, I'll use my leaf blower and make sure he hasn't decided to make his home in a corner of my garage!!! 

Exercise is good

Exercise is good, and good for me.  I've been trying to jump on the treadmill every day - not successful there yet!  I tend to get lazy about it if I get over 10k steps at work.  But I'm trying.

Today I hopped on and upped the speed a little bit, and extended my time from 18 to 23 minutes.  When I was done, my machine said. "You're on fire!"

Its the little things .... and I liked it!!!

At 13 ....

Do you remember being 13 years old?  I was watching a show and a character was having her 13th birthday and it was soooo important to her!  How often in our youth did we think something was so important only to find out later it wasn't? 

I can remember thinking high school was that important, that the things we did, the friends we made would be a part of us.  But it didn't hold quite true.

So I concentrated for a while about 13.  When I turned 13, I was just going in to the 8th grade.  I had survived three years at Juan Cabrillo Jr High.  My work revolved around school, homework and friends.  I'm sure I thought I "knew it all" by then.  But I didn't. 

My daughter survived three years at the same jr high. I remember her commencement well. It was held in the same auditorium as mine was 20+ years earlier.  An odd deja vu feeling,  for sure!

But I think by 13 our basic personality with all its quirks and traits are generally established.  I look back and wonder why I didn't try other things - it might have made a difference later in my life.  Parents should encourage their children to do different things, take extra classes in dance, art, music or sports, because even if it turns out you don't like the particular subject, it broadens the horizon, gets them used to trying other things as well.

While 13 wasn't all that important, it was filled with fun times, good friends and great music!  1972 was a very good year indeed! 

A quick snap of me on the bus coming home from our field trip at Marine World in Redwood City.  And a photo I snapped of friends in the 8th grade, we had PE together.  

Back then, things were groovy and outtasight!! In my world, I think they still are!  Catchya on the flip side!! 

Suits

What is it about a man in a suit that makes him look professional, believable, and kinda sexy?

I've been watching - and sometimes binge-watching - the show Suits on Netflix.   And oooo those suit wearing men are so handsome!   And the main character, Harvey, is able to say so much with just a look!  He's got those eyes!

But it got me thinking about suits.  I grew up going to church every Sunday, and Mom dressed us.  My sister and I always had black patent leather shoes for fall/winter and white ones every spring.  Dad wore a suit to church, us girls in dresses.  When I was grown up and out of the house, I changed churches, attended a larger church where suits on the men, dresses on the women was quite standard.  My husband at the time also owned his own tux because it was required at times, as well.  It was the 90s, and we weren't casual.  Maybe we were a little pretentious.  As I look back on it, I sometimes felt like we were pretending to be something we weren't.   Cuz we didn't come from money, and we weren't in that social class.  Can I still refer to it that way?  Sometimes I fear I might be speaking out of turn. 

Now that I live in Arizona, I work in retail, you get what you see and what you see is what you get.  I don't "put on airs" to try to be something I'm not.  I wear jeans most days, tennis shoes, and usually some kind of polo shirt.   Life here is pretty casual, laid back..  I'm sure there are other parts of the state where that might not be true.   While I'm not opposed to dressing up if the occasion calls for it, the fancy clothes from back then are gone. Mostly. 

But a man in a suit ...... still makes my heart pitter patter! 

Birthdays

What is it about birthdays?   I looked at Google and found:

While many cultures developed birthday celebrations separately, the Egyptians were the first ones to get the party started. When Egyptian pharaohs were crowned gods, they were “birthed.” That means the first birthday celebration wasn't marking the birth of a human, but rather the birth of a god.

Well, history blurb aside, (and I'm definitely not a god!!)  what determines how a person decides to celebrate a birthday?  I've never been big on celebrations dictated to land on a certain day.  With my kids going to their dad's every other weekend, or for six weeks each summer, it wasn't the actual date that made the celebration, it was whenever we made the choice to celebrate.  My mom, on the other hand, is really big on celebrating on the actual day.  With my 64th coming up, she's making plans for dinner, a cake, and wants to know what I'll be doing.  I don't want to hurt her feelings, or bruise her need for these celebrations, but I haven't celebrated my birthday in many years. 

And that caused me to think about the past.  I was born in the summer, during a thunderstorm (which might account for my liking those kinds of storms!!) and when you're young and it falls in summer, the opportunity for birthday parties is pretty small.  Families are on vacation, kids are scattered for a lot of different reasons.  I didn't have large parties, but sometimes a couple neighbors came over.  But more often than not, it as just family.   In comparison, my sister was born in March, school in full swing, and she liked people, always had a large party.   So is my dislike for birthdays because of the whens and whys as a child?  Or maybe its a symptom left over from lousy husbands?  

Either way, just like all the other holidays, it's just another day.  Sometimes I work, sometimes I stay home and do my usual routines.  Ad sometimes I'm surprised out of the blue.  Annie, at work, surprised me with a bag of 8 different chocolate bars!  That's enough for me, I don't have expectations about presents, a fancy meal, or birthday cake.  It just isn't my thing!

Happy 64th to me! 

Grief's Route

It's been four years since I lost my son to suicide, and the hardest thing to come to terms with is how the grief process isn't a smooth road.  In fact, it's not only a rough road, it's full of twists and turns and backtracking at times.  That's probably the hardest part of grief.  One day, one moment, you think you're gotten past the hardest parts, and then Wham! you're right back in the center of it.

When I keep busy, I do ok.  But when it gets too busy, and stress builds, it all comes back in a flurry.  Sometimes I think of it as an Arizona dust storm (haboob, if you will).  It starts off slowly, and builds and builds, eventually the dusty winds roll over you, you're in the center, and sometimes you don't realize it until it's already pulled you in.  Waiting it out isn't pleasant but eventually you're out the other side.

Sometimes the unanswered questions get you down.  Sometimes it's wondering if you had said just one thing different, done one thing different, would it have changed things?  Eventually you learn to accept that you will never have answers to those things.  And you have to live with that knowledge. 

My son and I were close, we did many things together.  I'm lucky I have those memories.  But they don't always outweigh the heartache that comes with the loss.  

Synchronicity

 Every now and then, a song comes on the radio, and you're instantly transported to another place and time.  Music memory is funny that way.  Or is it the reverse?  Does thinking of a memory bring up the song associated with that memory?  

On the drive home yesterday, an old Toby Keith song came on, and I sang along, loudly!  "I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm good once as I always was."  Chuck's theme song, he sang it to me often when I would answer the phone.  He made me chuckle every single time.  What a great, fond memory.  And I miss him.

Today on the way home it was Tim McGraw's song, "Always Stay Humble and Kind".  That was my sister's favorite song and today is the anniversary of her death three years ago.  The timing was uncanny!

Synchronicity?

The universe reminding me?

Either?    Both?

I'm grateful for the reminder. It made me smile!

Four Years Ago

July 2 was the fourth anniversary since my son Brian died.  Time passes in a different dimension when your child dies.  The daily tasks that are somewhat mundane but necessary keep me moving in a semi forward direction.  But its not always forward.

There are days when the grief is still overwhelming, even after four years.  There are days when I feel alone, that no one even remembers him.  I know that death is an awkward subject for most people.  Suicide is even worse.  I also know that most people don't know what to say to those of us who have lost someone. 

But because he asked, I go on with my days, trying to be happy,  to find joy in the little things.  To honor him.  Because I love him.

Ahh.... High School Days

In the fall of 1973, I started high school.  It's been a number of years since 1977, the year I graduated.  Funny story about my graduation.  It was a warm June evening, we had commencement on the football field.  I have no idea who spoke, or what was said.  My parents were there, had driven in their car, my boyfriend was there, had driven in his car.  After it was over, the graduates had to leave their gowns in the gym and pick up the official diploma.  In the confusion of the day --- and because we didn't have cell phones back then --- I searched high and low for my parent's car, or my boyfriend's car.  I finally gave up and started the walk home.  It was about 8 blocks, and I'd done this walk every day for four years, except this time I was in a dress and heels!  Lucky for me, a neighbor was driving along and recognized me and gave me a lift the rest of the way!!   It's been a family joke for years!! haha

But now that it's been 46 years --- yikes!!--- I look back at those years and wonder why I had so much angst about the whole ordeal.  It was only four years of my life, and yet at the time, it felt like it was everything important.  The emphasis on the social aspect of high school felt normal at the time, but looking back, I realize now that I put too much importance on what all the others were thinking and doing, and not enough effort into what I was feeling, thinking, or doing. 

In high school, we all want to fit in, to be part of the norm.  But like one of my favorite quotes from the show MASH:  Major Frank Burns says "Normal is everybody doing the same thing at the same time.  Trappers asks:  "What about individuality?  Frank replies:  Well, individuality is fine-- as long as we all do it together."  And that kind of sums up the high school experience. 

For me, I knew I didn't fit in with two of the major cliques:  the "field rats" and the "rah rahs".  I was chubby/fat and very introverted.  What seemed so very important in those few short years weren't very important in the bigger scheme of life.  The people ... I can barely remember the majority of them.  Of course, a few close friends stick out in my memory, and/or we stayed connected after graduation for a time.  But when it comes to the real life we all embrace after graduation, the importance of our peers is diminished. 

If I could give my 14 year old self some advice just before starting high school, it would be:

• Be yourself, and don't cave in to peer pressure
• Set some goals -- and work toward them!
• Take lots of interesting electives - it will help you choose a career path
• Don't beat yourself up in your mind over the little, silly things

High school was a long time ago.  But some memories never completely go away; revel in the good memories, and forget about the bad ones! 

Wilcox High School

Santa Clara, CA

Class of 1977

Gal VS The Moth

Just around 10 pm last night, I was sound asleep -- well, sound asleep for an old gal! -- when I felt something buzz up against my ear.   I shook my head and waved my arms a little bit and rolled over, went back to sleep.  

About 10 minutes later, I felt it again, but this time against my face.  ACK!  I waved my hands, brushed my hands across my face and hair and jumped out of bed!  I quickly turned on the lights and saw what it was....  a moth of some sort.  It was cream colored and not very big but yuck! Not when I'm sleeping!!   I grabbed a pillow and chased it around the room.  I must have gotten a good whack on it, because it stopped flying, and I couldn't find it. 

At last, back to bed.  

But not for long!

I felt it yet again, and this time I jumped up, slapped the light switches ON and grabbed a towel, waving that thing around.  I watched this moth try and bury itself behind my pillows, but I was having none of that! More towel waving, arms flailing, trying to swat this thing down.  No luck in taking it down, but it DID fly out the bedroom door, so I slammed the door shut, and laid the towel across the bottom so it wouldn't sneak back in!! 

I always thought moths were attracted to light, so why wasn't it trying to attack the TV or something?  Why did it feel it needed to get cozy with me and my pillows!    I don't like critters who don't keep to themselves!!! 

Here's hoping for a better night's sleep tonight!!  

The Perfect Pillow

I don't know about you, but it seems like I'm always on a quest for the perfect pillow.  When I was in 7th grade, I took an elective course in crafts.  One project was making a pillow.  Mine was orange fabric, and I embroidered a purple snail on the front of it  (don't ask my why, I don't remember! Unless it happened to be a pattern mom already had! lol)  

The pillow was about 18x18 square and to stuff it, I cut up a piece of foam that was on hand into little 1x1 cubes, or as close as I could get.  It sat on my bed for a few years.  When I was in high school, I took apart this crazy pillow I'd made, but I stuffed it into half a pillow case and sewed up the end and voila! I had this perfect pillow.  It wasn't too over stuffed, and it didn't go flat in the night.  Being only half sized, I could bunch it up under my head pretty much in any shape I needed it to be.  I'm a side sleeper, so my pillow roams an awful lot in the night from side to side!   

So here it is ..... like 40 years later ... and I'm STILL using this little half pillow.   It's been washed, dried and scrunched so many darn times!  I keep putting it aside and trying this pillow, that pillow, good for side sleeper pillows ... you name it, I've tried it.  But I always *ALWAYS* go back to this little pillow.  

However.  After 40 years, the foam has broken down and mushed up.  I finally decided I needed to do something.  So I bought a couple different pillows that felt sorta right, and on my next day off, I'm going to tear them apart and see if I can replicate my perfect pillow.  I have to --- this one is on its last legs!    Wish me luck here, cuz I'm going to need it!  I may be cutting foam into cubes this weekend.  lol

I'm Rumblin'!

I've been using my Rumblex vibration plate for a week or so now, and I like how I feel when I use it.  I've watched a few videos on how to change up what I'm doing, so I'm looking forward to even more changes. 

But the one thing I've noticed that no one has mentioned is my change in sleep.  I track my sleep on my FitBit and even if there are naysayers who say it's not accurate, it at least gives me the same type data each day.  Two years ago, my night sleep was mostly 90 minute naps all night long.  Then it has slowly increased to mostly 2 hour increments of sleep between waking moments.  But my only change in habits has been the Rumblex and I've been sleeping in stretches of 3 and 4 hours for the past week. 

Better sleep is a game changer at this point in my life!  As a teen, I can remember sleeping a solid 8 hours at a time.  After having kids, that changed dramatically.  

All in all, if my Rumblex is helping with my sleep ..... I'll take it!  And a bonus:  when I'm leaving work, I like telling folks I'm going home to jump on my vibrator.  Heeheehee 

Little Things

It's the little things that bring us the greatest pleasures!  This was one of those odd days at work -- saying goodbye to someone I've worked very close with for five years, so it was bittersweet.  She's getting older, and slowing down, and when there are family issues, her work accuracy goes down.  So it's time for her to take it slower, and have her home life be a little better -- less work, more family.  I'm happy for her!  And sad for me.

This s going to happen to all of us eventually, so it's always a good thing when you can learn that it's the little things that bring us joy!  Today, after work, I stepped into the backyard and my cactus had totally bloomed.  The blooms don't last long, though!!

So keep your eyes open, your senses open, and learn to stop and appreciate the little things!

Who We Are

Sometimes, we have choices as to who we become.

Sometimes, our upbringing is a part of who we become.

Sometimes, is it just in our "DNA" ???

I've been through a lot of life, of choices.  Some of those choices were my parents' doing.  Some of them were mine because of what I thought I wanted to be as I was growing up.  I watched Dallas in the 80s --- fancy clothes, dinner on good china in the formal dining room after cocktail hour -- sometimes TV influences our wants or desires.  But when I finally grew up, I finally realized that some of the things I thought I wanted just weren't going to be part of my life. 

I spent 10 years in Ohio.  I moved there when I was 40, after growing up in California, in the bay area. It started as a growing community and then became Silicon Valley, with all that goes with the tech industry, jobs, and dreams.  But I never felt like I fit in.  Once I moved to Ohio, at first it was a little bit of culture shock.  But at the same time, there was finally a feeling of fitting in.  I wasn't the girl who would wear fabulous clothes, great shoes and bling.  Jeans, tennis shoes, Tees, this was more my world.  

There's a song on the country circuit called "Fancy Like".  And the chorus ... "Yeah, we fancy like Applebee's on a date night, Got that Bourbon Street steak with the Oreo shake, Get some whipped cream on the top too, Two straws, one check, girl, I got you"    

Every time I hear it, I feel like yeah, that's me ... Applebee's is fancy enough!  I guess if we want something bad enough, we work towards it. Fancy or hip clothing was never my thing.  My sister was more about that, along with my daughter, but it seemed to skip my genes!

I guess my bottom line here is about acceptance, about learning to be happy with who we are, and not try to be something we're not.  The people in our lives who care about us don't judge us based on what we wear, or how fancy our house is; they care about who we are as a person on the inside.   So go out there and just be you!  

Rumblex 4D

Have you ever noticed how ordering things online, you don't always get what you expect???  Yesterday my Rumblex 4D vibration plate arrived.  I wasn't sure war this would be.  Sure, I'd done some research,  but its larger than I thought!  Its quiet, and it has some surprises when you operate it.

I turned it on last night, and sat on the couch with my feet jiggling away.  It was an odd sensation but I reserved judgment until I could actually use it.

When I got up this morning,  I dressed and slid into my tennies and hopped on.  I started at 10 minutes, lowest speed and watched a little TV while I stood vibrating.  I kinda liked it!

After it stopped, I was left feeling like my leg muscles were ... loose.  That's an odd description,  but there it is.  I know this isn't going to be magical, that I have to work at this as well,  but I'm willing to try. 

Here's to working toward some good things to happen!!

Foodies

Sometimes Mom and I see things on TV or the internet and think we just need to try it.  A couple years back we made an Elvis sandwich for lunch.   Banana bread, peanut butter and bacon sandwiches, assembled then fried.  I liked them, mom wasn't a fan.

Last week, I was reading a woman's note about an inexpensive meal:  French bread, pizza sauce, pepperoni and cheese.  So we tried that today, only we used these mini brioche buns.   Just a short time under the broiler, we ropped them with fresh tomato slices and viola!!  Dinner is served!  They were tasty!!

A Good Day

My day off, usually it's spent doing chores and running errands. Today wasn't much different.  Maybe it's in the attitude.  I woke up and just chose - decided -- it was going to be a day for getting things done. My TO DO list went something like this:  Get groceries, take out garbage, clean up kitchen, get gas in the car and drive through the car wash, dash to mom's and take *her* grocery shopping.  She always likes to stop and get a hamburger!  (Thanks, Jack!) Then we relax and watch ""her show"" (The Bold and the Beautiful - Evil Sheila fell off a balcony, jumped in a car and escaped!! *gasp*)  

Then it was home to put my chicken in a pan and bake it, throw my sheets in the washer and dryer and re-make the bed.  Then Mom called and said her perm was delivered (Walmart.com order!) but it was damaged.  Nope, not ordering another one.  I checked online, said there was one over at Walgreen's, so I hopped in the car and dashed over and got one for her.  I'll drop it off tomorrow after work :)

I didn't think I'd have a very good day because I didn't sleep well, or very much.  For some reason, I had dreams of airports and airplanes often.  That being said, I checked Google:  "The airplane, as a transportation symbol, signifies motivation and direction  Its association with flying can represent aspirations or your ability to soar.  You usually dream of trying to catch a plane when you are making changes to your aspirations."  That being said, I'm not sure what my current aspirations are.  Work is just very busy in the days of preparation for inventory.  When I was shopping today, some of my coworkers were whispering to me that there are changes coming, that one of the gals on my team was going to transfer.  Frankly, I have been expecting it for some time.  She's over the usual retirement age ..... so we shall see what comes of it this time :)

And now, nearly 4pm, and I'm ready for a shower and to crawl into those clean sheets.  

I like having good days!  I bet you do too !!

So Tired!

What's your go-to when you have a bad day?   I know that when I'm frustrated and/or angry, I tend to buckle myself down and use those feelings to get things accomplished.  Today, I finished up my work and left early.  That felt really good!   I bought a salad mix, some popcorn chicken and grabbed two donuts on the way out the door.  Took them over to Mom's house to have lunch and dessert!  Salad and chicken tasted good ..... but the donut tasted better!  I was a filled donut with chocolate icing.  Yep, way too many calories, but yummy just the same! 

There will be a huge surge of work time for me the next 8 days.  That means my one day off will be spent cleaning, laundering and grocery shopping along with gassing up the Cruzer and hopefully driving it through a car wash!  This has been the coolest, wettest winter I've had here in the Valley of the Sun.  And frankly, I'm hoping this means a cooler summer as well, but that remains to be seen

A year ago I had my palm tree cut down in my backyard and I have yet to find what I want to do with that space.  I will continue looking at xeriscape ideas as I don't want to have a lot of plants that require water and maintenance.  I thought about some kind of ..... metal sculpted plant? Or maybe some kind of pattern with the rocks.   I'll know the right thing when I see it!

Rambling and ranting over - time for some sleep!  *yawn*

I Hate Having Bad Days

 Dear BigBoxStore Management:

With the changes you made two years ago in restructuring the folks who work on the floor, you didn't do them, or yourselves, any big favors.  In fact, let me point out some of the things this has created.  

One:  Because there isn't any real "ownership" in having their own department, you've gotten away from the "store within a store" concept.  Now you just have bodies doing tasks with no real interest in doing better, doing a great job, creating excitement over sales.  Every day is like another in the tasks that they run.  Department Leads have become lazy - they depend on a system to pick items out of the back room to stock to the floor. But it only picks items that are stocked in an aisle.  What about filling features?   If a store is sent a Qty of 100 of the same item, and only 50 will fit out on the selected sales floor position, and the rest are put in a back room bin, who is supposed to pick those items and fill those features?   I'll tell you who -- NO ONE.  The item sits until it goes to clearance, and the *minute* it goes clearance, the item is pulled and sent to the back room to process into your clearance location.  However, what doesn't seem to happen is no one is communicating about the amount of stuff that is accumulating , waiting to go to the clearance location.  

And yes, in case it isn't clear, the person doing all of the clearance location stuff is me.  And today, they totally knocked me down and ran me over with the amount of stuff.   By the end of the day, I was tired and crabby, combative even.  There are a set of "rules" for how things are to be placed in that clearance location (not MY rules, BigBoxStore rules) , but one manager seems to think the rules don't apply to him.  I told him in very clear terms that next time he doesn't follow the rules, I will pull the items and return them to him.  What I really wanted to say was "I'm going to pull the items off the shelves and shove them up his ass" just to get his attention because this is not my first run-in with him on the rules of clearance. 

I was finally able to wind it down, remembering that old kids book "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day".   Yep That's what I had.  Sorry.  Rant Over.

But seriously, the changes that employers are making to how things operate because of the new generation of workers who have no work ethic and want big bucks for a routine job with no thinking required means that we have a whole generation of laziness and I know for a fact that I don't want to be around 10 years from now.  Or even 5 years from now.  In fact, retirement at 65 sounds awesome to me!  Even if I do nothing but take walks and read books every day!  But I'm sad for the whole retail industry and what's coming next.  When I started 20 years ago, even though every BigBoxStore sold the same basic stuff, every store appeared to be different because we had the ability to manage and showcase our department items in fun, creative ways.  Now?  Every store is the same, no one can order in something special, every display is built identical because that's how the directive is given.  It's no longer fun to go over to the next store over and see how *they* are doing things.  It's all the same. Each and every store.  I used to take vacations and no matter what city I was in, I had to stop in to the local BigBoxStore to look around.  My son and I did that so often!!! 

Man.  I miss the old days.  And that wasn't that long ago.

CEO?  I'm calling you out.  It just isn't the same any longer.  And eventually you will pay the price, reap what you've sown.  I'm glad I sold my stock already. 

Insta-Reels

I've been watching Instagram reels lately, no idea why I'm so hooked on them.  Maybe it's because what I consider to be the really good ones has to do with the music being what some consider oldies.  For me, it seems like yesterday.  lol  

But then there are other reels that ... well, I'm not sure how the Instagram/Meta stuff decides which ones to show you, perhaps based on your 'likes', but sometimes it seems more random.  But I've noticed the ones done by men who tell women what the signs might be if "he's not that into you".  Or how to judge if he's a good man or not.  And that got me thinking about relationships in general, and my own marriages in specific.  

Yes, I've been married three times.  Not something I'm proud of in any way.  But the one thing that never happened for me was cheating when the marriage wasn't working out.  Despite there being problems, I know that you can't solve anything by replacing one with another.  Yes, during my single phases, I dated a few men who turned out to be married.  Sadly, they weren't up front about it, so I knew that they wouldn't make a good partner in a relationship.   When I found out my third husband was having an affair, and we went to counseling, even the counselor told him he needed to commit to making the marriage work and breaking it off with the GF.  He refused, so we knew that wasn't going to fix things.  But even within that parameter of pain I was experiencing, finding another man to fill some kind of void wasn't the answer for me.  

It's taken me a lot of years and hard work of the self help kind to be at a place where I like me, I like being with me, and I don't *need* a man to make me feel complete.  Knowing all these things puts me in a place where finding a man would mean finding the *right* man.  It hasn't happened, but that's OK too.  Some days I actually think that having to "take care of" another person isn't on my to-do list.  If a good man, who wanted to act like a partner, came along, then fine.  But if not, no thanks.  I've had my share of needy men, thank you very much.  

I still haven't shaken the Instagram reels habit, but I know that I need to.  It's funny how what you listen to, what you allow into your mind, shapes what you think or how you feel. And I just need to feel the real me, and ignore the rest of the noise! 

Make My Day

For me, a good day is one with measurable accomplishments.  Today was one of those days!

When it comes to taking care of Mom, I have to do a wide range of things.  Once she moved in her home, the garage has no storage.  So we bought a trio of cabinets from Walmart and we have been working little by little to get them built.  About a week ago, we had the basic assembled and only needed to hang the doors.  I tried my best, but it must have been an off day for me, nothing seemed to fit!  

Today, with a bright idea to have some boards on hand to help hold up the door, everything just clicked into place, so now the doors are hung!  

We celebrated this major accomplishment with lasagna for dinner, and a mini magnum ice cream bar for dessert!

Whatever it is about completing a project, having an accomplishment just makes my day!

Unrealized Expectations

I was thinking today about expectations, how what we might expect because of something we've conjured up in our own mind becomes something totally different in reality.  I've recently come to some personal insight about me, my mom, and my own expectations.  Like the vision I had of my mom coming to stay with me.  I'd work all day, come home and then we'd take a long walk around the block each evening before dinner.  Yeah, that didn't happen. And I often wondered why?   I attempted it once the first week she was here.  But she never wanted to go again.  Did I do something or say something, or could she sense some expectation I had?  

And a moment of clarity happened as I was reading a story during my lunch hour today.  It's about a woman who grew up without a dad, with an alcoholic mom who emotionally and physically abused her.  When the physical abuse was obvious, the cops were called in and she went to live with her aunt and uncle.  They didn't have children of their own, and told her over and over again that she had to follow the rules or she couldn't stay with them.  They were always concerned about how things looked from the outside, rather than how things actually were.  In her adult life, this woman had children and was so busy enforcing rules that she wasn't enjoying life with her husband or her daughters.  But there's a parallel there with my mom that I can sense. 

I know mom was raised by a strict stepmom, and there were rules and chores and very little mothering.  My mom was the same way about appearances, how things looked to the outside world.  Her yard was always meticulous; she had a gardener once a week, but still she went out and raked up every leaf that had fallen each day.  Yes. Every day she raked leaves.  Her home was the same way, always dusted, vacuumed, cleaned up.  Not just the neat and tidy, it was immaculately clean.  Heaven help us if company was coming over --- the entire house was cleaned all over again!  That was my upbringing.  And yet, I didn't ascribe to her way of thinking that things had to "look good" for friends and neighbors.  I always lived by the credo that my house is clean enough to be healthy and messy enough to be happy.  

So back to having mom live with me.  My own expectations built up scenarios that we would be like friends and do things.  But the reality is that neither of us was willing to be like the other.  We tolerated things well enough.  And we could watch shows and chit chat.  But we didn't like the same TV either.  Nor were we on the same kind of schedule.  It's kind of a funny thought that after living with her for the first 18 years of my life, then being away, I didn't realize that living together again would be entirely different.  Mostly because I changed.  She hasn't changed much at all.  Her new house is immaculate.  She is outside every day making her yard meticulous, pulling one weed at a time.  She's 84, so it isn't going to change.   I just have made my peace with it.

Don't let your expectations build up into something that isn't realistic.  Be willing to compromise, but always be yourself.  

Thoughts on Chaos, Politeness and Money

When life becomes chaotic, I've noticed that I tend to tune in to familiar TV.  Lately, (read in the past week...) I've watched That Thing You Do and Pretty Woman several times each!  It made me wonder what's up with that?  Why the oldies?  They're from the 90s, which to me feels like it was just around the last corner, but when I think about it honestly, it was 30 years ago.  Where does the time go?

What makes these so comforting?  Neither of the movies would be called epic, and they're not overly deep in their story lines.  Part of the appeal, for me, is that they aren't any of those things.  The premise of both movies is rather simple, there's good music, people smiling.  That may be the draw for me.  

And when has being polite dropped from society?  There was an arrangement in place for a weekly family dinner, rotating from house to house to keep us all in touch.  It was decided that Tuesday was the day, meals are simple, just time to be together.  But we don't do the together stuff very well.  When someone can't make it, or made other plans, isn't the polite thing to do would be to notify the rest of the fam?   I'm busy, I work, and when fam shows up 2 hours after I show up, well, frankly, I just want to head home and be by myself.  

Then, what is it about money that makes people so funny?  Not haha, but weird.  Sometimes my mom sends a text to her son, and there's a time lag before she gets an answer back, sometimes its more like days.  But transfer some money from checking to savings, and there's a phone call within 4 hours asking what's going on ?   Granted, Mom is 84, and someone should be watching her money so she doesn't get scammed.  But could this be a case of actions speaking louder than words?  It's just one of those little things that really get to me.  

Lately the little aggravations are really getting to me. Anyone got an old classic movie for me to watch???  I could use some Father Goose or Pillow Talk, even!  Great classics.  What's your fav?

Grand Old Movies

Sometimes life is just crazy .... HULU has two fav movies playing now:  That Thing You Do and Pretty Woman.  So, I'm watching Pretty Woman for the second time in 3 days, and I watched That Thing You Do five times in the past week, twice on Saturday!  

So what does that say about me? Am I nuts?

I contemplated all day about why the draw to old movies.  Do they remind me of better times? Different times? Happier times?  or maybe just something familiar?

Some movies have the ability to draw you in and adds something to how you're feeling.  I get the Pretty Woman thing - it's the perpetual Cinderella story.  No matter how you wrap the overall ideal, having the girl meet her prince charming, it's a timeless story, full of ideals.  For some of us who never got the Prince Charming, we all relate to the wishful thinking that it could happen!  As little girls, we were told it was possible.  But I have to admit, it was a wonderful dream, but never happened for me.

As for That Thing You Do ... maybe that's part of the young girl dreams as well.  A little bit of luck and the possibilities are endless for this little band with a hit record.  I also like that it's set in the 1950s, and era that to me symbolizes the American Dream, the one where if you work hard, you too can be a success!  Of course, in my opinion, the music is pretty good too! 

I don't feel guilty about indulging in these movies, and maybe it's my way of escapism from the issues that crop up trying to take care of Mom.  I moved away from family because I was tired of being the caretaker, and yet here I am again.  

Oh, here come's the good part .... Edward is going to hire Vivian for the week.  It only gets better from here!   Thank goodness for grand old movies!!  Enjoy!

Life's Purpose

Life's purpose.  As far back as high school, I can remember being concerned about where my life would lead - what would my job or career be? Would I get married? have kids?   This is the beginning of our self discovery for our purpose in life.   As I look back, I realize that while we may do some preliminary discovery, our purpose may change with each decision we make.   Some people are lucky and just seem to know what their purpose in life will be.  My sister, for example, knew from an early age that she wanted to be a teacher.  Me?  I knew I didn't have it in me to do that!  Where she was outgoing and liked people, I preferred no people.  

But we graduate high school; some move on to university, and some to junior college, and some straight into the work force.  Some made their choices based on a relationship that was currently ongoing.  I tried the junior college route, preferring to go to night school while working a full time job.  And yes, a part of that choice was made because of a relationship at the time.  (Isn't it funny that we look back and wonder "WTF was I thinking???" )

Marriage.  Children.  Your purpose changes again.  You're working as opposed to having a real career.  Your purpose revolves around raising children.  You're left with decisions about how you want your children to be raised, with what values.  Once children are grown, your purpose may change yet again. Perhaps you're caring for aging parents, or about to enter that phase.  

We're always having to rethink our purpose, why we do what we do.  

I'm at another stage of that process.  I spent many years working and preparing a path to make my son's life just a little bit easier.  It was my goal to buy a house, and have it paid off, so his life wouldn't be such a struggle when it was my time to leave this earth.  But his suicide changed all that, and now? What's my purpose?  

I go to my job, because it's expected.  And I'm taking care of my Mom now, because it's expected.  But what is my reason for doing what I'm doing now?  I find these thoughts troubling at times.  Expectations we had when we were younger and still learning sometimes fall short of the reality once we get there.  I remember being young, elementary school, and they talked often about the "Golden Years".  That was back when Dad's worked at a job where there was a pension, and you retired at the golden age of 65 and then spent your days being a little more care free, less stressed.  But the world has changed so much since then.  Instead of a pension, you find yourself putting your own funds into a 401k or something similar to save money for your retirement.  Only retirement gets pushed further and further away.  Instead of 65, it's 66, 67 or 68.  And even then, if you haven't done some due diligence in saving for your future, you end up working all of your days.. I work with several people who are in their 70s and having to work because they can't afford to life on just their social security. 

So why am I rambling about all this??  Some days I feel like I'm ready to retire, to take my money and run.  But then I take a day or two off and wonder what the hell would I do with myself all day if I didn't go to work every day?  Because working every day is a way of life for me. It's what I do, have always done.  

Think hard about your life's purpose.  Make a plan.  You can always change it, but having a direction makes the road a lot easier.  

Old Times and Mom Humor

I was thinking about something on the way home.  We live in a disposable world, and are often concerned with things being unclean.   With a warm sunny day, I was thinking back to high school.  One of my phys ed class choices was swimming.  We walked into the locker room, and was handed a swimsuit and a towel.  When our swim class was over,  we turned in our suit and towel.  They were washed (hopefully) and handed out the next day or the next class.   Would that fly in today's culture???     I think not.  Even my own thinking ... would I put on a swimsuit and wear it ????

It's Tuesday, and that means our weekly family dinner night.  Each week on Tuesday, we get together and share a meal.  It's a nice time to get to see the young kids and play Bingo or whatever.  While I enjoy them, its hard when you've worked a long day and stay awake past your bedtime!!  But we're finding that the kids behave differently at someone else's house than in their own home.  We've seen an improvement over the last few weeks in their behavior and that's encouraging too!   Most weeks, I supply the hot french bread, as they bake it fresh in my store, and tastes soooo good!  I also supply dessert --- tonight's choice, Rice Krispie Treats!  yummy

Mom's saga with her new house is on going.  Lots of little things to do to make things more "homey".   A really funny example is her handyman arranged to show up to start work at 8am.  He knocked, then he called me because she didn't answer her door.  I called her and she said "Yes, I see him, he hasn't rang the doorbell yet."   Um, mom, you're paying him by the hour... let him in!!!   lol 

Life in the fast lane ......!!

Choosing Different

 Lately, the last thought I have before going to sleep is remembering Chuck.  I'm sure it's because there are left over feelings because things just didn't work out.  Both of us were in places where a move just wasn't possible in the moment; and we were too far apart to get together on occasions ... he was a special man, and a part of me loved him very much.

With all that, I decided that it was time to take care of me.  I was noticing my Fitbit logging my resting heart rate at 66bpms.  In the past, it was usually 60-62, so that indicated to me that I needed to make some changes.  I have cut back on sugar and salt, and watching the foods I eat.  And I'm on the treadmill every day for the past 5 days for a minimum of 15 mins.  My target goal is simple:  Keep my heart rate above 125 for 15 minutes.  Anything else isn't as important.  For now.  Granted, I am still logging my time, distance and average heart rate,  because I'm a numbers person.  Even if the results don't show on scale, or anywhere else, I can track progress through numbers.   Today was day 5, and I wasn't watching the clock, ended up with 20 minutes ;)  I was happy with that! 

Remembering Chuck

Long ago, and yet the memory is still strong; I wrote about this chance encounter I had with a special person.  When I re-read this paragraph I'd written, it seems as if it was a brief encounter.  But in fact, it went on more than six months.  He was a 911 dispatcher, and I worked retail, so our lives were very off schedule, as both of us had rotating schedules.  Finding time to chat, make phone calls and even meet up was something that we worked on.  

• One of the most amazing loves of my life was extremely brief; and yet it still goes on. We met in a chat room, and there was instant "chemistry"; we became friends. Chats turned to phone calls, and one day out of the blue, he called and said "I want to take you to dinner." He was going to be in town, so I arranged to meet him in Zville. Normally, I'm a shy person; when we met, it was hugs at first sight, then a little bit of awkward chit chat. But dinner was super; it was so much fun to finally meet and talk face to face; it was as if we had known each other forever. And even though we're further apart, geographically speaking, and the time we spend chatting is less (we both have busy lives), when we take the time, its as if time stood still and we pick up right where we left off. This wonderful man accepted me as I am, treated me like a queen, and showed me what true love is about; he will never be forgotten. And I never miss an opportunity to tell him I love him. True love may not be the stuff in fairy tales, but it can be just as wonderful if you open yourself, and your heart. Nobody knows or will ever know everything they need to know about love. Its elusiveness is part of what makes love seductive. One can only obey the great law of the heart that says "As long as you live, love one another and take the consequences."

While I remember writing about this special guy, I realized that I didn't go into details.  I wonder if the memory is as true as reality was?  

I started writing down the story of our encounters while I was at work, and I thought I tucked it in my purse so that I could put it here, but it seems it isn't in my purse now, and oh boy uh oh if someone finds it ..... lol  

Chuck was a very special guy.  We chatted and talked on the phone, and then we agreed to meet up and have a meal, and see where it goes from there.  And boy did it go!  (blushing grin)  I will always cherish the memories we made.  We shared a meal at Waffle House, and I wrote the following poem afterwards. 

cowboy boots and hat 

soft touches, 

fingers reach me 

touch my soul deeply 

 snuggling together 

such an amazing night 

this can never last 

 me, holding his gaze 

goodbyes said at waffle house 

cowboy boots and hat 

LD Poetry©2008

I just learned yesterday that Chuck died in December 2020.  

I will miss his laughter, his kindness and will cherish our memory forever.   

Goodbye, Chuck.  You were loved!  xo

Family Traditions

 We've started a new *thing*, we all get together on Tuesday nights, one week at my nephews' and one week at my mother's house for dinner.  We had the first one, dinner at my nephew's house, he cooked chicken on the grill and we played BINGO, the kid version as he has two kids.  It was fun!  Doing it has many benefits:  the kids see us and we see them on a regular basis.  I know it's kind of cheesy to quote the line, but "it takes a village".   If they need a sitter, it makes it easier if they're used to us, being used to coming to one house or another.   And it's good for Mom to keep up relations with her grandson, and great grand kids.

So the next week, it was dinner at my Mom's.  I headed over after work.  She was cooking up spaghetti, her grandson's favorite meal when he was a kid.  We never heard from them, time passed.  At 5pm, she finally texted them, and OH!  They forgot!  

Since it's only 5 minutes' drive, they hopped in the truck and headed over and we all had dinner.  Dessert was Valentine cookies!  Always a hit with kids if there is sparkly sugar on a cookie!

Family traditions.  People sometimes laugh about them, but they work, they're good for kids.

Eat Dessert First!

Today I reminded myself (yet again!) that I should be writing down all the crazy-wonderful things that have been going on.  

On New Year's Eve, my mom moved into her new house, I helped her unload and unpack what we could -- just enough so she could spend the night.   We found all the bedding and bath towels, so she figured she was good enough!  I had to work the next day (as usual!!!)  but after work I stopped over to help unload and unpack.  

After seeing how much stuff she had for kitchen cupboards, and how much less kitchen cupboard space she now, she decided that a china hutch was needed.  My cousin Karen too her out shopping to some furniture stores, with no luck.  I think what she had in her mind was so old fashioned that she couldn't see that the more modern looking stuff might work.  So I hunted down some of the more established furniture places, such as Bassett .  Nice stuff!  But again, more modern, and now that she could see what was there in an establishment where she felt was geared toward her and not a younger more modern generation, she started adjusting her mindset to be more open to a sideboard type, rather than an old fashioned type.

Being me, I saved the best for last, and I took her over to an Amish Furniture store because I knew they would have things more to her liking.  We walked in and she fell in love with what was technically being called a "library" but nice shelves, glass doors above, wood doors below.  I knew we wouldn't leave until we made the purchase.  We wandered around and she found a console table and bookshelves also!    *whew*  I was SO happy she was pleased with her purchases.   They delivered them 2 days later :) 

Slowly but surely we're getting the unpacked stuff hung on the walls, arranged around the house, and even some of the yard art got unpacked and settled around the yard --- with the help of mom's great granddaughter, Jo.  She's 2, and we were babysitting, so of course, meals are Grandma's choice, right??  Pizza, Gatorade and some applesauce topped with whipping cream!  YUM!  Eat Dessert First! 

The other thing we've started is family night.  Every Tuesday we get together with my nephew and family, either their house or Mom's.  We share a meal, we might play some games, etc. Just a little something to keep the family bonds strong with the little ones.  Jo is 2, Zane is 5.  Cute ages!   We had spaghetti and the kids were showing off how they slurp in those noodles.  

Family time is precious.  Spending time with any person you care about, whether they're related or not, is very good for a person's well being.   

Love is a many splendored thing.