Saturdays

Growing up, Saturdays was "house cleaning day". And yes, us kids were involved. Very involved. As the oldest, it was my job to mow the grass, front and back, with a push mower. Then hose down the driveway along with washing the car.  Mom liked things to be clean. Very clean. 

Then it was on to cleaning our bedrooms.  Sometimes it would be just a general clean, other times it was the deep, organized clean, depending on what was scheduled for Sunday. Besides church. 

Now that the sun rises earlier, I'm not inclined to lounge in bed. So here it is, 815am and I'm dressed and ready to start my day.  There's a baseball game at 1215. I need to stop by mom's house and do my weekly check.  I could do my own chores, but .... kinda boring.  Haha

Childhood routines seem to be somehow embedded in our grown up lives. Or maybe its just the mom I had. Everything was so prim and proper, that you felt like not doing anything or using anything for fear of making a mess, to make next week's chores less intense. 

I was having a convo with my brother, who is 8 years younger, so we had different perspectives. Did Dad notice we were stifling in a "keep clean" schedule, and that prompted him to a) go out and buy a pickup truck without mom knowing and b) a pop up tent trailer?  After that it was camping every weekend.  Our Saturdays were no longer filled with obsessive cleaning, but water slides at Oakwood Lake in Manteca. He didn't remember it that way, but he was the youngest so maybe the cleaning stints weren't always pressed upon him as much.

We still had to do our chores, and that was fine. I'm a believer in kids learning that chores are a part of life, to pitch in. But we were no longer just doing school, chores and church. There were elements of fun as well.  

Dad? If you're listening, thanks for the camping! 

Slow Motion

Life in slow motion, somehow it don't feel real.  Lyrics from "Slow Motion" by David Gray 

As the song moves through its minor chords, it draws me in. 

And sometimes life seems to move in slow motion. When you're stuck waiting. When things seem stuck in limbo. If you've ever been in hospital, time seems to slow to a crawl. 

Yet every minute of every day is measured the same way. But we all feel the movement of time differently. It becomes more obvious as you get older.  There are moments when I wish time would slow.  When I was waiting to get out of high school, I wished time would hurry up.  

But each tick of the clock is just that ... time moving forward. 

I don't want to go back to living life in hyper speed, chasing down kids, getting to work on time, or tracking all those other details.  I also don't want to be sitting in a rocking chair watching life go by. So where's the happy medium?? 

I've always been one who likes routine, a schedule, and now that my time isn't driven by a time clock or school schedules, there's a freedom in being able to choose.  Yes, I still need to do laundry and all those other pesky chores, but I can choose tomorrow instead of today!

Today's walk doesn't need to be a speed walk crammed into 20 or 30 minutes, it can meander all over. Or even be tomorrow.  My choice!! 

No matter what speed you're moving through life in, make sure that you're enjoying the journey!  

Decision Fatigue

Making decisions is something we all have to do every day. Whether you're still in school, just starting life as an adult, married, raising kids -- all of that comes with decisions. 

Most of us don't pay attention to how many decisions we make, we just make them.  For me, the realization hit me when I was deciding "what's for dinner".  I was raising kids, working, etc etc. Every day it was the same "what's for dinner?" It's a never ending decision!!  And it doesn't end after the kids are grown!

I'm usually pretty good at making decisions, getting things done. But I had no idea how hard it is when you're making decisions for another person, and that person has opinions of their own.  And yes, I'm talking about mom. 

Its easy making choices as the mom, or head of household, but I am now making decisions about mom's life. And she (usually) doesn't like my choices!  If I suggest, she may agree, but then second guesses it at every turn.  

So it drags me down, and down, and down. I try not to let it, but it keeps happening.  Every time I think I'm done, she pulls up her phone and starts texting and/or calling. I always feel bad when I turn my phone off, but that's how I rebuild my sanity. 

The next time you find yourself making a decision, think about how many you make, and be happy that you can still manage your own decisions.  I dread the day my daughter has to start making them for me. With luck, it won't come to that!!! 

Bra Saga Continues....

So the bra mom wanted to order arrived and I brought them to her today.  She went and tried one on and was full of complaints.  Too loose here, too tight there, and what's with the foam in the cups???

And we're back to square one in trying to find "something she likes."

We looked and looked. She didn't want this, didn't like that, are you sure there's no foam in that one? 

I try to be patient, but she doesn't make it easy. It isn't for me to decide what she should wear, or what feels good on her. I just try to help make suggestions.  

Sadly, she's at that point in life where what she wants is the familiar. I other words, the bra she's probably been wearing for years (and years). She didnt buy new ones, she just repaired or added extenders as needed.  

Theres a whole generation of what I callnthe throw away gen. There's mom on the other extreme of using, fixing, repairing, until nothing is left.  I hope I'm more in the middle, not tossing after a single use, but not holding on for 10+ years because I can. That's how she ended up with 52 dish towels when we cleaned out her house!  

M*A*S*H Fan

I am a big fan of MASH, I stream it on Huku often.  Last night's episode had to do with Father Mulcahey feeling down as he didn't feel useful lately. And his parting comment at the end was "It doesn’t matter if you feel useful going from one disaster to another—the trick I guess is to just keep moving."

Good advice, something I needed to hear.  

So as I deal with Mom crap, disaster or not, it's important to remember to just keep moving. 

The odd part about watching MASH,  it brings on dreams.  In this one, There was a shortage of food, but we found some extra packs of hotdogs, and cooked them up without many people knowing. They exploded everywhere! And everyone was eating their fill and blaming Radar.  

In one part of the dream,  Hawkeye was given an injection of milk in the arm. And convinced me I needed one also. It was against the law to have one, so BJ smuggled a syringe to me, and Hawkeye gave me the injection.  And in my dream still, I was asking Google if a milk injection helped reduce the lactose intolerance of drinking milk.   *sheesh, dumb dreams*

Makes you wonder what the brain was thinking to create these kinds of dreams!!

Saturday, New Day

A pretty good Saturday! Maybe I'm on my way to being more normal!  Got my laundry done, vacuumed the house and went to watch part of my great nephew's baseball game.   And it all felt good.

I also got some Easter cards signed and ready to send off to what I refer to as "the kids". 

Being at the baseball game reminded me how it was when I was raising kids.  I had 3 kids in baseball for many years! Along with one in JROTC, and one in marching band and the youngest in cheer.  Some days, I was more taxi driver than anything else! Haha 

I spent hours warming bleacher seats to watch game after game, sometimes many evenings a week.  And I loved every minute of it!  Its a little awkward watching MrZ because mom and dad aren't together. But we're polite to each other. And that's for the best!

Spent the rest of the afternoon on some art, some cleaning, and a little relaxing. Hope your Saturday was a good one! 

Today is for Me

Today, I am going to do things that please me.  Easy to say, harder to do. We all have responsibilities and relationships that take effort on our part.  

I'm finding I have too much time inside my head. Maybe its good to work through issues, but sometimes its just about things that can't be changed. 

Working through my "mom" issues has been difficult. But I have realized some important truths. I was happier away from her. My second hubs was vocal with his opinions and once mentioned how my mother's house was a shrine to family.  At first I didn't understand it because it was all I knew growing up in her house. But looking back, I can see it. If I had to guess now, I would say it stems from her desire to be close with her family when in reality, it wasn't that way. 

Maybe that's why she insists on striving so hard for that, and what ultimately pushes me away. Because it feels forced. Always has.

Setting my own goals and boundaries to deal with her means she reaches out more. I'm still trying to learn how to not react when she does reach out.  It isn't easy, because I know she expects me to jump when she calls. But I need to let that be her problem. 

I finished her taxes, finished the scrapbooks, and all of that is going to be wrapped up, put away, and my house will return to being my domain. When we closed up her house, I kept some things, more than I needed, but they are boxed up as well. But I need to get back to me and mine. Huge goal, so I'll break it into smaller pieces, do a little each day.

I'm also finding that I haven’t had a feeling of accomplishment lately, and that's important to my well being. 

Working on ME, on my interests, is a must. An important must. Otherwise, I'll just be buried under her thumb.

One Day at a Time

Shes 88, and she hasn't bought a bra in ... hmm... 10 years?  15 years?  And she wants my help to buy one.  

Last week, she had me bring a tape measure because she thought she needed a size 42 band. *smh* she's small, and up until a year ago, she was a size 10.  So, measuring aside, I tried to get her ideals in a bra, because just searching "bra" brought up thousands of choices.  Cotton? Lace? Front hook? Back hook? Underwire? Regular or racer back?

She gave me that stare that says "I don't know" then asked what kind I buy. Um, mom, you and I are not built the same!  So she sits there thinking then grabs her shirt and lifts it up, "one like this".  *geeez*  

Things have changed a lot, and after looking and looking, she finally decided on one.  But damn, it took a lot to figure all this out.

I left her home yesterday at 3pm. In less than 24 hours, I've already gotten six texts.  She is becoming too much for me. I can't live my life this way.  And it has caused me to be extremely moody bordering on depression. And I'm having trouble shaking it. They say key strategies include setting small goals, staying active, maintaining a routine, challenging negative thoughts. 

So that's my goal for tomorrow. One day at a time.

New Goals

It seems I'm always trying to set up new goals, new plans, new strategies to work on myself.  After a meltdown, I realized that changes are necessary.  The situation with mom is NOT going to change, so I have to adjust. 

Her schedule is rigid at her home, with lunch at 11.  Unless I want to sit and lunch with the ladies, I don't get there until after noon. And I leave by 3 so I'm home before traffic starts.  

The way my brain works is to put in the constants then work around that to add in the other stuff that needs doing. Which switches my fasting schedule a bit. Lunch is my main meal. Because I wasn't hungry before I left for moms, I was eating that at 3pm, or later. Not working.  That means lunch needs to be at 11.  

Which means breakfast should be more of a snack.  I was having breakfast at 9, so there's something to switch. Main meal at 11, yogurt at 3pm. Treadmill walk --- because its hot too early in the spring!! -- I need to walk twice, just after lunch, then right after dinner. 

Ok, those should be easy enough to switch around. And they say it takes 3 weeks for something to become a habit. It won't change the feelings that are dredged up, but maybe feeling a little success in this switch will help change the mental part as well.  

I'm crossing my fingers!! 

Star Struck

I don't consider myself as the kind person who gets star struck.  No goofy ideas about trying to meet a celeb ....  even Grant Show,  who was a star on Ryan's Hope and Melrose Place (among others) was "just Grant" to me. His dad was my boss for 20 years,  and Grant was his son at picnics and other events.

As a young teen, I had posters of Donny Osmond, and a six foot tall poster of Bobby Sherman on the back of my bedroom door.

In the past. I have had dreams where I found myself having dinner with Frank Reagan -- never with Tom Sellick, always the character.

Tonight's dream ooo la la was with Harvey Specter.  We were being investigated by some strange women looking for photos of kids (none found!) He was wandering and pacing in my bedroom wearing a big fluffy navy blue robe. Every time things started to look bleak, and more investigators were called in, he would hug me and tell me he was never going to let me go when all this was over.   (Yeah, right, *eyeroll*)

If you haven't watches Suits on Netflix, mmmm Harvey in a moneyed suit. A slick haircut. And a smile that makes women swoon! (And in my dream, he was mine!!!) lol

Imagine my surprise when I woke up here in MY plain old bedroom, sans Harvey ...... *sigh* we could have been so good together .... *giggles*

Considering the way things have been going for me, a really good dream that I was able to remember is much better than recent melt downs.  

One of the mantras I say to myself is "if you want things to change, you have to change things up."  Its time for me to put that phrase to work. To change the order of things to be done each day, and relieve some of the stress and tension that seems to have made a permanent place in my life.  

Thanks, Harvey, for the nudge in a different direction!  *laughs*

Melt Down

Yesterday, I had a meltdown, total tears, feeling very low.  Last week, my nephew asked me to watch one of the kids, and I couldn't. Then he called asking me to watch the other kid tomorrow after my dentist appt.  *sigh*  I couldn't say no, but it made me hit bottom. 

There is just too much going on. Mom is extremely needy, and I have my own life to live in between all of her "episodes".  Then more needs from another faction.  It became too much. 

I turned my phone off.  I can't do any more for anyone else.  

I need a break from all of this. 

And as I sat here blubbering to myself,  another jolt of remembering.  I used to call home twice a week but I always talked to dad, rarely mom. I wonder why that popped into my head now?? 

Me Stuff

Shes 88 and says to her 66 year old daughter "I need a huggie" ??????

Am I unreasonable to think that's just f*ing weird?????

Long ago, I used to smoke. And when I decided to quit, it was cold turkey.  I found it easy to stay quitted because smokes weren't around any more.  The whole out of sight, out of mind kind of thing.

I tell myself it would be easy to lose weight if I could do the same with food -- out of sight, out of mind. But food is a necessity.

My moving to Ohio was the same kind of thing; away from mom was another kind of out of sight, out of mind. 

Now I can't do that because she's here; and finding my way to an acceptable boundary between us seems virtually impossible. She wants more, I want much less. 

My mind constantly runs scenarios. I have this "I know that I know that I know" feeling she will go on (like this) for another 5-10 years.  And I'm supposed to accept that this is going to be the rest of my life?? 

My alternate solution for now is to slowly back off the amount of time I spend with her.  And to drastically back off the amount of stuff I do to "entertain" her.

Its time for me. I've said that many times. I'll probably have to say it many times more. Because she can be relentless in her "me" stuff.  But it's time for me stuff.

Full of Shit

I am in the middle of a personal kind of storm, like a think-fest.  Its easy to reason things away with logic. Its easy to put blame in other places. But each of us needs to own our own shit.

What I mean is I'm struggling to find out how and where it all went sideways in my relationship with my mother.  I can put blame in her corner for her issues; I can put my own blame on not using my adult logic to deal with all of this.

But I realized today (maybe the self help book is working?) that I am still doing things to win her approval, like making dvds to watch of our growing up years. Like building scrapbooks of old photos. Like creating a DIY card for her to assemble, because she needs to stay busy. Of course, the staying busy part is because when she's not occupied with things to do, she sits and thinks and texts me with stuff to do. 

Yesterday, she texts, wanting me to look for her makeup because "its been hard not having her stuff."  (Just a little dig of guilt she's throwing in there because I was the one who said toss it all) When I told her it was all gone, she answers back how she's disappointed (another word used to imply guilt?) And thank you for everything you do for me.  

It's wrong for me to spend all my time creating projects to keep her busy. So why do I keep seeking that approval. I will never get it in the meaningful way I want, or seem to need.

What prompted this train of thought? I was staring at a group of photos in a frame and underneath I had written family is the heart of the home. More wishful thinking? Or was I able to concoct those feelings because I was living far from family, making it easier to remember things as I wished they were? 

It also made me wander around, looking at the photos on my walls -- I have a LOT! -- and I wondered if through another's eyes they would assume I had a good relationship with my mom?  But no, very few of her and I.

All of this intense thinking hase made me wonder: am I full of shit?? 

Self Help Books

I started a new book yesterday. I'm not usually one for self help books, but I came across a reference and it led me to check if my local e-library had it. And they did.

Its a book about emotionally immature parents and how that affects their children.  

My mother was raised by a stepmother, and now in her 80s she has told me as a child she was afraid her stepmother was going to kill her during her sleep.  Thats a huge "whoa!!!" for me just in itself. 

But the first inkling that maybe this book will help is it stated that in order to help myself, I had to disengage from mom. And I did that in 1998. I moved from Cali to Ohio and life for me was better there. I involved myself in my kids' life in a big way. Out from under her thumb, and discouraging attitude, I blossomed. But then I moved her to AZ ... her choice. And I fell right back into patterns.

An opening line:  emotional intimacy involves knowing that you have someone you can tell anything to, someone you can go to with all your feelings, feeling safe opening up to the other person. It can only exist when the other person seems to know you, not to judge you.

In the quest to "teach us how to grow up", there was lots of judgement, mostly from mom.  She was all about "cleanliness next to godliness" and decorum. What other people thought mattered most.

Yes, at 67 its a little late to be correcting things. I'm just hoping that a little understanding can go a long way to making small changes when it comes to the stress of dealing with mom.  Because if I can't relieve the stress, take better care of myself, she could outlive me. 

Therapy can only get a person so far, been there, done that. I was a better person for all the counseling I did (in Ohio, away from mom).  And maybe its a forgiveness issue-- mine, not hers-- maybe I could forgive if the behavior was in the past, but its an ongoing thing. Hard to get out of the cycle once you're stuck in the center again.

Even at this stage of life, she has an ability to "put me in my place".  We are watching DVDs filled with old slides, our growing up years. And she still comments to this day "you always preferred sitting on Dad's lap." I was three! And yet I already has sensed or learned her ways.  Over 60 years ago, Dad's been gone for over 10 yrs, and she still manages to say that line as if it was a bad thing.  Or maybe she was jealous. I dunno. 

Fingers crossed this bit of self help will give me insight. If nothing else, at least I'll know I'm not alone in my thoughts.

It's H.O.T. Today!!

The "norm" here in the Valley of the Sun  is expecting the first 100+ degree day to be in the first part of May.  Here it is March 19 and it's 105 today?!?!?!  

It makes you wonder about the bigger picture of how the Earth is changing, but also leaves me wondering about what the summer temps will hold for us!  

Maybe I need to clear out my garage and make room to park the car indoors this summer!!

I had to give in and flick the AC system on. Hard to believe!

Best Part of a Day

Do you have a best part of the day??  I do.

When I worked, I came home, had dinner and a shower, zoomed thru whatever chores were absolutely necessary, then hop in a shower. 

The hour or two between shower and sleep time was golden! Those are still my two fav hours of the day.

My phone goes on Do Not Disturb.  I grab a bottle of water and open my Kindle, and immerse myself in a story. 

I like reading stories that are part of a series, following a character through book after boom. They become familiar, and maybe a little too familiar, and I'm ok with it.

These two hours in the evening are mine, to relax, to let go, to unwind.  (And to ignore silly texts from Mom.)

 That's how I unwound last night, and I will do the same again tonight, and most nights to follow.  

Find your own best part of the day, and claim it! 

Too Many Choices

Having choices can be a good thing, but is having too many choices a bad thing?

I seem to be operating in a different mode these days and its not always good.  Take  clothing, for instance.  Now that I don't work every day, what I wear consists of too many choices.  Here's how that's taking a toll.  

When I worked, my go to each day was jeans and a polo shirt.  Doing laundry was easy, all the jeans and polos went in one load as they were all dark colored.  Nothing needed extra care. Now, I can choose a top, pants, capris, and some of them are light colored.  Now there's more laundry. So is this a matter of too many choices?

It's the same with meals.  When I worked, I cooked for the week, packed a lunch each morning; dealing with food was quick and easy. Now that I'm home, if I crave meatloaf, I can make one, mess be darned.  Now I'm running the dishwasher every 4-5 days instead of every Saturday.  A matter of too many choices again?

What other areas of life offer too many choices? and could that cause some of the other issues people have with managing time and resources?  I can see where it might.  

For me, it does.  It's much easier to maintain a busy lifestyle with fewer choices than having too many choices.  If I don't have to make a choice at every turn, I have time and ability for other, perhaps more meaningful choices. 

Making life easier by limiting choices. That's how I see it. And I'm going to try!

But will I succeed? 

Geezer Mail

When I was in my 20s and 30s, I got what you might call "normal junk mail".  Once I turned 60, I started getting "geezer mail".  Hearing Aid ads, retirement community newsletters, vision care ads, not to mention all the mail that generates re: Medicare options, plans, and info.  

And its the same on social media.  When I had a dog, I got ads from Chewy and PetSmart.  Now its articles and info about retirement. There seems to be an emphasis on doing things, having hobbies, keeping busy. 

Frankly, I had more than enough "busy" between working and raising kids.  I don't feel the need to fill every silence with tv, radio or talking.  I'm ok with sitting in silence just watching nature, the hummingbird who flies through the yard, the birds singing as they flit around.  Even a bubbling stream if I'm walking in the park is pleasant.

But when I do read an article "suggested for me" I realize there are plenty of retirees struggle with what to do, or having enough to do.  

It seems to me that being retired means finding a new norm.  It might be taking time to learn something you were always curious about. Or to try a new hobby.  Go outside your comfort zone. Even just a little bit, see what sparks an interest. 

Its easy to keep doing the same old things, because they're comfortable.  Doing new things can keep your brain activated! 

No Bad Art

In an attempt to find something to do with mom, I introduced her to Zentangle. Draw a few squiggles, then fill in each little square.  She worked on hers for about 45 mins while we sat outside in the courtyard.  

Gives us something to do, as we rarely have much to discuss.  A 3 hour visit leaves too much time for discussion, as I have found that whatever I tell her?? Gets gossipped around.  *sigh* 

So when she was done, she said "throw this one away".  I said "no, we dont throw away art. "

So .... do we?  Art is subjective, but she has always wanted things perfect or they get tossed.  I spent many years making art, crafts, and such, given as gifts only to have them tossed because they weren't perfect.  

So I'm of the mindset that art doesn't have to be perfect for it to be lovely.  

Keep doing art!

Musical Memories

It doesn't seem to matter your age, when it comes to music, we tend to associate certain memories to a song or a tune.  And each year adds to it.  

Some of those memories are stronger than others.  The song Spiritual by Charlie Haden and Pat Methany is one of those songs for me.  It came up in a Playlist and *sigh* hard to listen to. But I endured.

There are some 70s songs that I remember on the car radio as I headed to work.  There are songs that my son and stepson played on their guitars (over and over!!!) and those can be hard to listen to.  Crazy Train by Ozzy; The Reason by Hoobastank; anything by Metallica or AC/DC .... you get the idea. Kind of hits you right in the soul. 

Tammy Wynette songs remind me of Dad, he loved her music.  Johnny Cash reminds me of my Uncle Bob and having friday night singalongs while he played guitar.  Super Freak by Rick James was a dance song at 4th Street Bowl.  

Funny how memories are stored in our brains.  When the opening chords for Band on the Run by McCartney plays, I can still picture weekends spent as a teen camping at Manteca water slides. 

I'm sure if you think about it, you'll come up with your own.  Let the music play, see what memories are conjured up! 

Who Are You ...

Who are you when nobody's watching??

I saw that as a question in an article about being retired, and it brought up a few thoughts. 

We seem to be defined as different things throughout our lives.  We are child, student, boy/girlfriend, fiancé, wife. Those are simple roles, and then there are the ones created by our jobs, maybe some volunteer work.  

All these roles keep us busy, they keep us concentrated on so many tasks that we are busy doing, rather than being.  

Finding time for ourselves, to be ourselves, takes balance during the busy years. But we can focus and be a different version of ourselves once we are retired, past the busy day to day, and do the things we always wanted to do. 

But only if we pay attention.

Its time for me to pay attention! 

Spring Cleaning

The Valley of the Sun is as different a place I have ever lived. The seasons are much different from places with winter snows.  It was an adjustment becoming accustomed to the differences! 

Spring cleaning your house is what we did after being cooped up all winter. Here in the desert, for me spring cleaning men's preparing for what we call "our winter" of sorts: being cooped up indoors with AC during the heat of summer.  

The extreme heats of summer usually begins mid May when we get our first day over 100 degrees.  But we've had a very abnormal February and March. We had a week's worth of 90+ in Feb, and they are predicting over 100 next week -- in MARCH?!?!?!  Yikes

This could mean a very warm summer indeed!  Life in the Valley is certainly different!  But I wouldn't trade it. Eddie Rabbit may have sung about lovin' rainy nights, but I love my sunny days! 

A First!!

Visited Mom today, and got a s.h.o.c.k.!!

She wanted to go to the craft activity today! 

I was surprised and thrilled. Acceptance on her part for the situation she's in.

Woohoo!

Give Me A Hug

Give me a hug.  It's what mom says to me often. And I've written about it often, because it bugs me.  I was watching old slides with Mom today, and its kind of surreal. Smiling happy kids, smiling happy family pix. Vacations to her home town to visit family. And I find myself trying to reconcile the photos to reality.  

I don't remember any crazy rantings like "get over here and smile for the camera".  But so far,  I'm only 3yo in the photos.  What I do notice is that in later years, I'm not in a lot of photos, not near as many as my sister.  But now I wonder what my reasoning was for not wanting to take photos?

I have a complicated relationship with my mother. And I feel like I'm constantly trying to figure it all out. In the long run, why am I bothering? It won't change anything.

Except its the hugs.  

A year ago, her health started to decline, and her anxiety and agitation increased.  Then she started asking for hugs. Sometimes 2 or 3 during a visit with her.  And I always feel "icky" when she asks and I comply. 

Because I watched my nephew's kids, and they were sick, I didn't want to pass germs to her, so declined the hugs. Today when she asked, I said "up to you, not sure if I'm carrying anything contagious. "  She opted for the hug, but if she catches the bug, she will blame me. That's part of our "pattern".

I've said it before, I get the icks when she asks for a hug. She isn't the kind who gives hugs to make the other person feel better. I remember being forced to "apologize" as a kid, them give her a hug.  Hugs that are forced are disingenuous. For me, they hold no meaning.  

So I dug into Google and found one viewpoint that stated "because they view children as extensions of themselves rather than individuals with their own needs, these hugs often feel obligatory, forced, and "icky".   Apt description.

I have always wondered if her passive aggressive ways were learned. Or was it self learned in order to "survive" her traumatic childhood?? 

I don't know now, I didn't know back then, and nothing is going to change it for the future.  I know boundaries are a good thing to set, and I'm trying to enforce them.  ie I was late going to visit her yesterday, and she expected me to stay later, but I left near 3 as I do every time.  It may have been a small, minor step but I am happy with each step, no matter how small.

It shouldn't bother me as much as it does. "Gimme a hug."   Ugh.

The Right One

Thoughts that flit through my brain ... sometimes I wonder how that can be? Or do others have thoughts, too, and just don't acknowledge them or write them down?

Today's thought was on love, romantic love, finding The One. 

How do we .... what causes our mind, our heart, to want that? And what builds up little things that factor in to finding that love?

As I look back on my life, I realize I wasn't a very good example to teach my daughter about finding The One.  I thought I had found that three different times. Do daughters want/need to find someone like their dad?  I'm sure there's a Freudian thought to all that.  And maybe that's why each of my three didn't last ... none were like my dad. Did I want or expected them to be? Was that part of my failing? 

Even now, at this late point in my life, I can find one or two good reasons to go looking for love.  But just as quickly I can go to "nu uh, no freaking way" do I want to deal with another man in my life.  

But what if he was The Right One?  

Can there be The One in the later part of life??

The tune running thru my mind is "some day my prince will come .... "  was that Snow White?  Was all the expectations of love and happy ever after just a build up created from some fairy tale?? 

Love. Nothing easy about it.

But at least there's good cloud porn from time to time.!

Been A Long Time

Sunday was the "meet up" mom wanted with some old family/friends.  Aunt Shirley and her daughters came to visit Mom at her home. 

I hadn't seen these people since before 1998, so it felt a little awkward.  I'm not one for making small talk. 

Its hard to small talk your way through 30 years!  Lucky, one of them is talkative, and we got through much of it. Technically we visited for an hour.  

Do they teach "small talk" in school? 

Spring Ills

I watched "the kids" a few days ago, they were home sick from school.  And it caught up with me, i started feeling yucky friday afternoon, and spent most of Saturday resting and reading. 

I also took my temperature every couple hours.  Because if I get a fever, I can't visit mom until it's been gone 24 hours. At 88, I'm not sure what her immune system could fight. 

At the same time, catching something means all of the TO DO list items get backed up.  I have to make choices: vacuum or rest? Laundry or rest? Pay bills? Clean the bathroom? Change the bedding?  Many chores, not enough time.  If I choose a chore over rest, this whatever could last longer. 

I guess I have to learn to say no. 

There is too much going on. And I have to take care of me. Why is that so difficult for me?? 

Photographs

I have always loved taking photos.  I never took them to impress anyone. Except me. I snapped pics of what appealed to ME.  And somewhere, somehow, I lost sight of that! 

It's time for me to just take photos for me. 

And with a focus on black and white.  That's always been a passion of mine. 

So many of our choices are made for reasons outside ourselves.  Sometimes we let others dictate to our own reasoning.  For example, it was choices like a) take pix at a park, or b) do some family dinner obligation.  That's an example of a choice I didn't have to make five years ago because I lived alone and other than work, my obligations were to myself, my choices. 

Having Mom moved near me has created obstacles I thought I was done with. She has expectations, and doesn't let things go. And as a girl, I learned it was easier to go with HER flow.  And once she moved here, I have reverted to that pattern. 

It isn't easy breaking those old patterns, but once we become aware, its easier to set some limits, create some boundaries.  And yes, I have started creating more boundaries, limiting the amount of time I allow for doing things for her.  I'm working on it.

Create your own time for yourself. 

Breezey Walk

Temps in the Valley have averaged over 90 for the last 10+ days, but a breeze kicked in some cooler temps. Yay! 

Nice evening for a walk despite the 19mph "breeze".  

This dog watches me from his fence nearly every time I walk.  In my mind, I call him Sarge. Hehehe

As we move toward spring, the sun sets later in the day, and at 5pm, it looks large and in charge!  Thankfully without much heat today!!

Goals Still Work

The sun rises earlier each day here in the Valley of the Sun.  And while I haven’t been able to change waking up each morning around 4am, I have been trying to reset that! Because it can be aggravating!!  

But I'm learning to deal with it. The harder part is being hungry earlier each day.  I can usually wait until at least 8am to break my fast, but with daylight, my system seems to shout "wake up, gimme some food!!" 

To counter that, after breakfast its 15-20 minutes on the treadmill. 

All of these changes affect my eating/fasting cycle.  Work in visits with mom, and its hard to maintain what works for me.

With the sun rising earlier each day, I am hungry for breakfast at 7.  Which also means I'm ready for lunch by 11, though, so maybe this will work. My main meal of the day is lunch, so after visiting Mom, its yogurt with blueberries, a salad, or a cup of broccoli for dinner.

Taking care of ourselves is important; at the same time, we need to live our lives. Choosing isn't always easy, or perfect. 

We all do the best we can. Just be open to alternatives! Its what I'm having to do. And after having written it down here, I can see that moving things, rearranging things, helps reassure me that my goals can still work within the changes.

Time Spent Wisely

With everything going on in my life, I've found that I need to choose how I spend my time wisely.  Not an easy thing to do!

Yesterday, I was asked, and chose, to spend time with my great niece and nephew. MsJ was having a good time.  I brought my "magic bag" that I lug around when I'm with them.  Color books, crayons, markers and a magnetic dress up doll that she plays with often.

Then it was on to Candyland. I think we played close to 20 games. The first few, I won. Then she won and exclaimed so proudly, "I winned, I winned!!!"

Spends your time wisely.  Once it's gone, its gone.

More Patience

Yesterday was a visit to mom. She is complaining about more pain, was texting Saturday evening as if I was able to do something for her. She asked for her meds early, hopefully that helped. I had to turn off my phone.  

She has become too dependent on me. Even though she has nursing staff available, she waits for me to get her needs addressed.  Bottom line, she doesn't want to be "a complainer",  so she lets (forces) me to be the demanding daughter.  Ugh.

She also wants to visit with a cousin, but doesn't want to set it up. She wants me to make the phone calls, set up visits. She also wants me to be there with all of her visits. 

I created a DIY greeting card- painted a background, punched out flowers and leaves for her to glue on.  A simple task, but when she was done, she wanted to know who we were mailing it to. 

Her mind can be a scary thing.  While watching a tv show, she will blurt out sentences and you just know she's busy thinking and not watching her show.  

I guess this is how its going to be.  I keep reminding myself to have patience and acceptance (my words to live by this year), but it can be difficult.  Patience and acceptance.

Ohio Memories

I'm sitting here on a Sunday, sorting out DVDs.  When digital cameras came out, a friend of mine (thanks, Nightsyn!) bought me a computer program called Nero to put slides onto a DVD, along with music, and you play it like a movie.  This was state of the art in 2007!!  And I made avout 100 DVDs of my photos to send to my folks.

But I sat watching the DVD of 2007 in Ohio.  There was snow, and spring, and one of a flag flying upside down at half staff.  I can't remember why!

And I was feeling homesick for Ohio.  I was happy there. I was away from family but I liked living there.  

I wouldn't leave Arizona now, because its home.  In these old DVDs were old ones from 2009 and 2010 where we were fixing up our house on a shoestring budget.  Good times!! 

Paper Work

In this digital age, having everything sent to you digitally is great! Until you're trying to gather info for taxes.  I printed as much as I needed ..... I think.

Mom was never part of the digital age, so her paperwork has been piling up on my desk.  It took me HOURS to go through it all, but I finally see the light! 

If things are going as expected, neither mom nor I have to pay taxes this year.  

Hooray!!!

Now I have to create a "system" for dealing with her paperwork without letting it build up all year!! 

Antiques

I'm a fan of Antiques Roadshow,  I have always liked old things, especially those with a known history.  But I keep wondering if I'll ever run across something might turn out to have significant value?  Probably not. 

I have plenty of things that supposedly have "value".  The antique vase that family lore says is from Sweden.  The Jessica signed art print I found in a thrift store. Boyds Bears. Vernonware. Depression glass. The list goes on, but so far, nothing worth much.  

But somehow it doesn't stop me from looking, and wishing!!

And while I'm doing my wishing, I have become an antique myself!!  Hahaha

And in the end, it just might be the wooden bankers chairs from the 40s or 50s I was given from an employer while I was helping clear out a space for files..... before stuff went digital! 

Evacuated!

Interesting day!  I was visiting Mom, and a loud knock ....

 "Everyone evacuate the building!!"

No idea why, but I grabbed my purse and wheeled mom out of the building.  3 firetrucks, 2 ambulance. About 50 assorted elderly in the parking lot under a tree.  Nursing staff.  Office staff.

Evacuating the elderly isn’t an easy task, but everyone made it out safe!

After 20 minutes in the parking lot, residents were let in, but some rooms were still off limits. Those few were put into the dining room. Mom was part of those few!  About 45 minutes later, all residents returned to their room.  Everyone was kept safe from harm. But it was tough to see some of them agitated because they weren't able to be in their room, their safe place. 

Fire dept immediately turned off all gas to the building as a precaution, while someone from the gas company came and checked things out. As a result, staff was unable to cook dinner so they ordered pizza and made salad for everyone!

Everything was deemed OK after 90 minutes and folks were returned to their rooms.  

It became apparent to me that mom isn't the only one who doesn't ... socialize much. I met some folks I hadn't met before, and I am there very often!  Time to stop worrying about her getting involved in something social - she appears to get enough from tv.

Yes, This! and Breathe

I got an email today that spoke about feeling quietly exhausted. It was advertising for a retreat but it said: 

"With your kind eyes, gentle nature, and compassion that emanate from the deepest recesses of your soul - you have always been the one who brings steady presence, calm, and balance to everyone around you.  People come to you for reassurance, loving nudges, direction, and perspective.  And yet, lately, you may have noticed that your own clarity feels a little foggy, your decisions feel heavier, and your nervous system is whispering for a softness you haven't yet been able to give.

"You have been carrying so much responsibility- for your family, your friends, your work, your business, and all those who depend on you.   When this happens, the body tightens, the mind overthinks, and clarity can slip away.

"When was the last time you connected with your joyful persona? How long has it been since you deepened your relationship with your inner child through play, fun, art, music, movement, laughter, and creative expression? "

Yeah. This! 

I've been working toward this, but the pace is slower than I would hope for.  I've always said its the little things, and I still believe that.  So I worked in my yard, worked on my scrapbooks, and took a walk. Spring is here, its 85 today, and the trees are full of new leaves! 

Just breathe. Yes.

Turquoise Nuggets

I have what I consider to be an antique turquoise necklace.  It belonged to a woman who was a missionary, well traveled, and I considered her to be quite stylish.

The clasp is marked "silver" on the back. I haven’t polished it, I kind of like the patina!

So I attempted Google Lens, but the information was too generic. I tried looking up how to analyze turquoise stones. They talked about the color and spider webbing included in the stone.   Then referred to some stones being treated.  The necklace is strung with individual knots between each stone, and has some hefty weight to it - I don't believe they are plastic! But I've been wrong before.  Hahaha

I have owned it since 1993, and have always been curious about it. And will still continue to be curious about it.  

Dreams Are Weird

I had several thoughts for posting, but as I get older, I've come to realize that if I have a thought, it can't wait until later! I should be jotting down notes. 

I had a dream that included my sister and my son (both dead) and those usually freak me out.  I can remember being in my bedroom - the one I grew up in - my son coming in to say goodnight after asking if I wanted some ice cream (lol). 

Next recall of the dream was standing in our front yard under the magnolia tree and my sister telling me I was fat, that I looked like I gained 10 pounds. And I remember saying that overweight was better than being an alcoholic (she wasn't!!) 

I have no idea where all this was coming from.  I mean, yeah, I'm overweight. Yeah, I like ice cream but don't allow myself to indulge.  Maybe part of this dream stems from being "left" to take care of mom, when she was the favored one. 

And maybe I'm better off not trying to decipher weird dreams!!  I prefer not remembering them.

Cloudporn

Friday/Saturday has become my favorite part of the week.  I have designated these two days as non-mom days, and I have been able to sustain that three weeks in a row! Yay me! 

It usually takes me hours, sometimes an  entire day, to chill after spending time with her.  Maybe because the time spent is difficult. Unless she shares gossip about her neighbors, we don't have much to talk about. 

Yesterday, I was able to do some of my own things, putter in my house and yard. More of that today! And to take another afternoon walk in my neighborhood.  And it makes me smile when there are clouds in the sky! 

Clutter Cleaned

I dived in to getting my bedroom cleaned. Sometimes, its the little things that make it look so .... disorganized. Cluttered. Messy. And there's a lot being said about a cluttered room and a cluttered mind.  I thought a good cleaning would help with that.  

I was surprised to find that in my glass dish of jewelry, I had stashed old wedding rings.  I remember getting out old jewelry with the intent to polish it, but it slipped my mind that I had left it out.

And maybe that's been a part of the rough sleep nights, the weird anxious energy level I've been feeling. I keep chalking it up to mom stuff, but maybe its mine, too! 

So I bagged up all the old stuff, maybe it had some latent negative energy? And put it back into the fire safe box in the other room. Another help for my mindset? 

I'm hoping so! 

Kicking Diet Coke

I decided it was time to reduce my Diet Coke intake. Currrently, I drink 3 12ounce cans a day.  So I opted to skip can #2, see if I could do this.  I know it won't be easy, but I should try.

After skipping it, I just didn't have any get up and go!  I ended up in a weird kind of "waiting" mode.  But I have no idea what I was waiting for! There wasn't much on my agenda. I didn't even have the desire to work on scrapbooks or family history.  *sigh*

Maybe it will take a while for the Diet Coke chemicals to get gone. Here's hoping tomorrow goes better. 

Noe, after those 24 hours, and a complete day wasted, I didn't follow through the next day. I'm not sure if I will attempt this again.  I have too much going on to just waste a day and do nothing! 

My "brain trick" I'm going to try in the interim: no diet coke until I drink my bottle of water first!  I've used this in the past. Sometimes, the water does the trick and I can get past the craving. 

Gold Star Charts

For as long as I can remember, I have been the decision maker.  What's for dinner? Was the normal, daily decision that needed to be made.  Once divorced, even tho the decisions only affected me, I was still deciding.

Now that I care for Mom, I have to help with her decisions as well. Some days, it's overwhelming. 

So what helps with that?? How do you reduce the number of decisions you make each day?? 

So I asked Google:  "Reducing daily decisions involves automating, delegating, and streamlining choices to combat fatigue. Key strategies include establishing rigid routines (like a uniform or meal plan), using the "two-minute rule" for small choices, and making important decisions the night before."

Sounds logical, and I do some if it. I automated my bills, and mom's. I stick to a meal plan so that helps. I stick to a grocery list and order online to reduce impulse purchases. Maybe the thing that's become difficult is the established rigid routine.  Easy to stick to when you have to punch a time clock. Being retired means I can do or not do as I please.  

Maybe I need to make that change. Out of bed by 7? Or 8? Breakfast, chores, exercise. Or a to do list?  *laugh*  

Maybe a chart and some gold stars for when I follow the schedule???  How many of you had one as kids? Or did the same for your kids? 

Same Time, Next Year

Same Time, Next Year is a top ten movie for me!  

"The last time I felt like this, i was falling in love ..... long before I knew, what I'm feeling now with you."  A story of lovers who meet one weekend a year and share ....

Have you ever met someone, and felt that instant connection with them? And fallen straight into love?   Just watching it puts me in that "wish it were me" funk. 

And then, another question: when or if you fall in love like that, does that love stop if you don't see each other for years and years?  Does that mean you still love that person? Or is it that you love the ideal of what might have been?

I've been alone long enough that I realize it probably wont happen for me. And most of the time, Im ok with it.  But I still have those moments of longing ....  *sigh*

Racing Fuel?????

Chevron has been "my gas station" over other brands. But because my travel paths in the car have changed, I stopped at a different station.  What I didn't know is that all stations are not the same!!

I pulled in, got out, and swiped my credit card. I reached out to press the correct button to dispense gas, but it wasn't there. Thank goodness for a good Samaritan in a truck who stopped and told me that I was about to put RACING FUEL in my car. WtF??

I have never heard of this!!! But as I looked closer at the pump, it said this pump "doesn't belong to Chevron ".   15 pumping stations and one isn't for @Chevron brand?  Are they allowed to do this??  Obviously, I suppose.  

I pulled around to a regular pump, only put in $20 and decided I am not going to purchase gas at that @Chevron station again!  (Broadway and Val Vista)  No matter how convenient it might be for my new route.

I must be getting old .... I'm losing my powers of observation. Time to pay attention! 

Happy Sunflowers

My attempts toward being a healthier me are most often thwarted by mom and her needs. But I'm making more of an effort now that she's becoming more settled in her home. 

I've been taking walks in my neighborhood most days. Yesterday's walk I found a stalk of sunflowers growing in a yard. 

For me, sunflowers are happy.  But I also found this reference:  The most common meaning, derived from the Greek myth of Clytie and Apollo, is unwavering loyalty and devotion. Clytie, a nymph, was transformed into a sunflower and forever gazed at the sun god Apollo, symbolizing steadfast love and commitment in both romantic and platonic relationships. 

Either way, happy walk and happy sunflowers makes me smile! 

Ephemera

Ephemera: big word for all the little bits of paper stuffs we tend to keep. Mom was an organized hoarder, and had plenty of it!

I took all of it, and I have been sending notes and letters to her grandkids to use it up.  

I got to thinking .... and I do way too much of it lately! .... before internet, email, insta, etc., folks would send snail mail and then you'd receive some back. It was a way to communicate.  Mom was part of that generation, and never moved out of it. When she sent mail, it was with the expectation that she would receive mail back. Maybe that's why she hoarded note cards and stationery, and quit sending notes as she didn't get any back.

So I've been sending it out without expectation. It's the same with the kindness rocks and art abandonment projects I've done.  The goal is to spread smiles, without expectations! 

Hand painted card .... "Let's fly away!"

Ancestors History

"Sun and winds burned the skin on their faces and necks to leather. Eyes narrowed against the prairie sun. The binder kicks up grasshoppers, whose wings flash color against the wheat and grey ground. Clouds of mosquitos rise as well, searching for targets in air redolent of wheat dust and soil moistened by rain. Dust works its way into crevices of skin. Cutting and thrashing is hard work!"

That's what my grandfather told a reporter when asked about being a farmer. My grandfather took over running the farm my great grandfather started when he came to America from Germany in 1898. 

Gramps farmed his land in the Red River Valley of Minnesota from the early 40s until he "retired". He never really retired, though. His life was farming, and he was very involved late into his 90s.  

I'm trying to work on a scrapbook with all these old pictures. The pictures tell a story, but I would like more than just captions like "Gramps on the tractor".  

At first, I wanted it to be more book-like with stories woven around the pictures.  But there just isn't enough data. So it's become  blurbs next to photos when I can, but that's ok too.  

I have some interesting characters in my family tree! Its always been my biggest wish that some of them had kept a diary or journal, I enjoy stories that endear me to the characters and their lives.

Me Days

The mind is a funny thing.  Lately, my mind is all over the board, and looking back over my posts its all related to my mom. I keep trying to get to the bottom, to the reasons, and keep coming to the same conclusion.  Its impossible to find (and correct) logic when there isn't any. 

It reminds me of boxing.  You're always off balance, trying to stay ahead or confuse the opponent. Yet the opponent is doing the same thing.  If/when I pull away from mom, there's a "crisis" and I'm sucked back in. 

And maybe just recognizing this will be a way for me to stay ahead of this little game. I haven't seen her since Monday evening, so just over two days. Its been nice!

It takes that long to get back to being me! I took a walk two days in a row, ate foods that are good for me, and worked on some scrapbooks. 

Negative Energy

Negative energy is all around us, the same as positive energy.  And sometimes the negative outweighs the positive, making it harder to feel or enjoy the positive.

I bring this up because I brought mom's bookshelves into my home because they're beautiful.  Once they got here, I realized that they don't fit my decor very well, but I was going to make do. 

But I got to thinking about negative energy, as I always have to "gear up" when I'm going to visit mom. Once I moved away and didn't live near her is when I realized how it was. Once she moved to AZ, it was even more obvious. 

Now I am wondering if all the things I brought from her house to mine is infused with her negative energy and what can I do about it?  Or should do about it? 

Sage smudge? 

Right now, I'm overwhelmed with all her stuff that has been brought here.  One thing at a time! 

The Happy Middle Road

Have you ever wondered what you really want?  People ask from time to time, its easy to give pat answers: to be happy, to be content, to be healthy.  But in order to have those things in our lives, what is it that needs to happen??

Happy isn't a thing. Happy is what comes after something happens.  Healthy happens when you eat right, exercise. In other words, does it all come down to doing things in order to have what it seems we want?

I usually know myself and my paths, and things happen because I work toward them. But I'm at a point in my life where I feel all turned around, or maybe more like I'm spinning in circles rather than traveling a path.  Where is a happy middle road?

I know it comes down to one thing: Mom. Or rather, my inability to instill boundaries where she is concerned. 

I'm learning. Trying to learn. I've been trying to find a way to manage my life that works. I set up Tasks in Task Manager.  But I don't seem to accomplish them in the timely manner I was hoping for.  Mom interruptions. 

So should I make more tasks? Schedule every little detail?  Laundry. Shower. Walk. Get mail. Vacuum. Cook. I have some of these already tasked, but some days aren't possible to do them. For example, it becomes a matter of choice: start the laundry? Or take care of mom's request/demand?  If I choose laundry, mom becomes a texting queen and until her request is met, it doesn't stop. 

I tried ignoring her texts but then she phones, crying. I was getting groceries when she did this on Sunday. I ignored her texts, she called, crying, asking why I didn't answer her. I told her I was getting groceries, and she sobbed again and hung up on me. 

She asked for meds yesterday, so I hopped in the car to drive over. It was already getting dark, infringing on my bedtime. But her first words are "why cant you answer my texts?" "I dont text and drive, I drove straight over. See you tomorrow." And I left. 

Where in all of this is a happy middle road??

Separation

Today's word - and it just may be the theme for the week - is separation.

I had to take mom meds yesterday, twice, because there seems to be a problem between the center and the pharmacy.  Without her anxiety meds, mom becomes a basket case. 

She gets upset, hyperventilating, crying jags, she can't function without them.  I sat with her for hours yesterday watching her go through the cycle, waiting for anxiety med to kick in. She doesn't recover from the cycle too quickly.

Today, I popped in at 845am, she still wasn't dressed, hadn't gone to breakfast, etc. She is still within the anxiety cycle, even tho she had her meds last night!  She's been asking to just "let her keep meds in her room". No. (The staff will confiscate them and I would have nothing left to bring her.)  And she asked me to stay. Sorry Mom, I can't, I have things to do.  

My plan is to have some separation from her. For my own health.  Its so easy to slip into the good daughter role and put her needs ahead of mine.  But she has a paid staff there to help her. I have no staff. Yesterday I dropped my groceries on the counter, a load of laundry in the washer, to go help her.  

Its time to do my things.     Separation.

Lousy Sunday

I knew in my gut that mom's party would upset her routine.  It did.  Sunday, and she's texting me just before 7am. By 9am her text reads "aren't you getting my texts?" And 10 minutes after that she's calling me and crying.  Where are you? More crying Why aren't you helping me?   Because I'm at Walmart.

She gets herself SO worked up that she gulps air, and belches like a sailor the rest of the day, and then wonders why she doesn't feel good. I've tried to teach her relaxation techniques, how to do deep breathing, but nope, she insists that she can't do that, can't control it.

I sat with her for two and a half hours, took her outside, pushed her to the postal center to collect her mail. She refused to go to lunch.  I finally left, but had to go back at 6pm because she was still worked up. 

If I don't get my own stress under control,  mom could outlive me and then what??? 

This sucks. 

Preparing Myself

A lot of my time lately is spent in what some might call "relaxing".  I call it "gearing up".  I seem to have .... I was going to give myself an ugly name, but just leave it at that I'm different.  I need to get myself mentally prepared for whatever BS comes down the line when I have things to do with my mother.

Why, as an adult, do I have the mentality of being the daughter, rather than an adult,  when I deal with her?

Here's how I know that something isn't going to go as planned. Today is her 88th birthday. And her grandsons are here in town as a surprise. That means a total of 10 adults, and the four men are all over 6'4". Thats a lot of bodies to cram into her little apartment where she has a total of 3 chairs. And yet she wants to have all of them in her apt.  My brother and I told her no way would we all fit. And she got this look on her face .... the one I recognize as her stubborn up-to-something face.  I asked her whats with the face?  She said "nothing". But I know its something. 

We are having everyone over in part of the dining room at her facility.  Dinner for everyone, a place we can all sit and visit comfortably. So why would she insist that they come to her apt??   Who knows. 

In the Bible we read in I Peter and Luke that we are to gird our loins, meaning prepare for battle.  I give it the same thought as "batten down the hatches". You're preparing for some kind of storm. 

That's how I view this event, some kind of storm. And I'm hoping I'm wrong.  I will wear my turquoise jewelry, my black tourmaline necklace, and maybe add some earrings just for a little bit of protection from negative energy.  

The family doesn't know this, but even if the event goes well, mom will pick it apart in private to me on the next visit. Because thats how she is.

New Day, New Goal

Last night after dinner, I walked. Not far, not fast, but walking just the same.  

I have to reduce my stress.  

It helped a little. I'm going to try a shower before bed, then some relaxing tunes with deep breathing.  

The sun is setting later each day!

Steamed About Mom

I heard a gal on the radio today, talking about trophies she had earned in high school when she was on the debate team. And while she was proud of the accomplishment, her point was these trophies are not eternal.  They mark a moment in time, and then we move on to other things.

And I realized in that moment, that my mother kept things "for eternity".  And now that she can't take them all with her, we are stuck with the stuff.  

Thankfully, neither my brother or I are keepers of every little thing!

After I started this post, I found out that because I didn't drive a light bulb over to mom yesterday when she "asked", she told my brother I didn't so it, and to bring one to her.   She didn't bother to tell me, so after helping her grandson, I busted my butt and skipped my meal so I could get her the damn lightbulbs.   I am steaming!!! Her passive-aggressive bullshit is bullshit!!!

Patience, and acceptance. Patience and acceptance. Patience and acceptance. 

Toxic Stressor

Blood work results are back. Everything ia high. And I need to find a way to reduce the stress in my life.  If I don't, could Mom outlive me???  Ack!

I had a day to myself, and worked on scrapbooks for Moms grandsons. Since they'll be in town, they can have them now and I won't have to mail them.

I've been running on the premise "when things slow down ...." but that hasn't happened.  I have been dealing with mom and her .... issues .... for a year now.  Things haven't slowed down, and at times she's even more demanding than ever. And that has impacted my health. She needs to understand that. And let me be me. 

An example of her passive-aggressive ways. Today's text was "I need a lightbulb in my lamp. Hard to get along without it."  First, she has identical lamps on either side of the bed, so she can just swap the bulbs. But she won't.  Hooray for me, I didn't fall into "the trap" of running a lightbulb over to her. However, she will complain about my not doing that when I see her tomorrow. 

How do you be your own person when old habits put you right back into that toxic relationship you once left? 

Stress and Mom

This morning I saw my doctor, he is monitoring my stress ... because yes, I have been stressed. BP is elevated (again), he's doing some bloodwork, and I am supposed to take a walk after meals, most days doable, I just need to make it a habit.

Then on to Mom's to see her nurse to discuss her med schedule. She increased her Oxy to 3x day.  And was able to reiterate that yes, she would probably have the pain in her leg for the rest of her days.  My personal opinion is that it wouldn't be as painful if she could learn to "let go and let God".  She always wants to be in control. Of everything. 

For example, the wound nurse texted yesterday that he would be there between 2 and 3.  At 2:15 she says "guess the nurse isn't coming."  She doesn't handle ambiguity very well. When I was there, the wound check nurse arrived at 3:15 ( he had texted to say he was running 15mins late) to check her as well.  She has what I guess is a bed sore on the bottom of her heel.   Ugly, black, and slow to heal.  

There's always something to stress about. Or maybe its that I feel obligated to lessen mom's self-induced stress by having to remind her how things go.  

Its the same with pills. She wants them at 6am. Exactly. And the staff gets them to her as time allows.  Sometimes its shortly after 6, sometimes its closer to 7.  And when they're "late" as she calls it, that begins the cycle of pain for the day because she gets herself worked up and whatever biology happens in her body, it stays that way all day and she doesn't get ahead of the pain or the anxiety. Hence the increase of Oxy. Ugly cycle for her, but some parts of it are self induced.  Family doesn't see it because she "showtimes" when they are around.  She forces herself to appear well, upbeat, but it takes a toll. But later, when it's just her and I, kablam! I get to hear it all, get the brunt of it all.  

In all fairness, I get it, and understand, but its not easy to tolerate, to always be the upbeat person.  Its been a rough week for me.  Im going to try to switch up my vitamins,  maybe that will help! 

Can't Pick Family

Cold or not cold?  Mom has been in Arizona for 3 years now. And she still has the habits from living in Cali of layering clothes.  It was 83 today,  and she was wearing a short sleeved tee, a long sleeved tee, and a sweatshirt.  We sat in the sun five minutes and she was hot -- then moved to the shade.

Its February and she's moaning about the hot summers already.  

Then we talked about things in general, and how things have been going.  My sister in law is kind of ... forceful. She has strong opinions and she shares them often.  I'm not that way, I let it drift over me. If a convo gets heated, I walk.  Drama is not my thing.  

And the one thing mom says is "you all have to get along."  Um, no, I'm just going to tolerate the moments we are forced to be together.  

You can't pick your family. 

Picnic at the Lake (1929/30)

My Great Grandfather (far left) with his children and grandchildren

Moody Days

Yesterday was one of those moody days.  I was quite cranky and out of sorts when I woke, and it just never got better.  So I decided to at least accomplish a task or two.

I headed to the post office 2 miles from home. I stood in line watching the worker struggle with her printer.  There were 3 other stations and she should have signed off and moved to take care of customers. But nope. 

Then it was my turn. I had 2 packages to mail and she started in on it, but couldn't print a complete label.  The small portion that had printed, she had slapped on my box, then spent 5 minutes or more trying to peel it off. (She had fake nails and couldn't...) 

Then when I asked to get the lock changed on my postal box, I was told i had to go to the other post office 2 miles further from home.  Kind of weird.  Then I couldnt get the work order started because I needed 2 forms of ID. Um, since the mailbox is broken, how am I getting mail???  Luckily, my car registration has my address.  So that task completed ($40 out of pocket ....  I thought USPS owned those here in AZ?) 

Then on to Hobby Lobby to pickup some scrapbooking paper.  I took photos of moms grandkids from her photo albums and I'm making a scrapbook for each of them. She has one granddaughter and 5 grandsons. Boys aren't as sentimental, maybe they won't even want them, but its what she wants. 

So, two things accomplished.  That's about all I can handle today.  May tomorrow be a better day! 

A Short One

I have been bothered by the personality changes I've been seeing in my mom.

She wasn't the mom who sat and listened if you had a problem. She wasn't the mom who hugged you because she thought you needed a hug. We were kids, we didn't know any different.

And now as an elderly adult, she has changed her ways. She wants a hug every time I see her, and sometimes more. The other day we were watching tv and she held out her hand and said I need you to hold my hand for a few minutes.

And today, I am coming to terms with all this ... crap. I call it crap because it isn't about showing or sharing love.  Its her own needs above anything else. Always was. We all just learned to deal with it in other ways, or deal around it.  Because we didn't know different.

Yes, I can hug her or hold a hand, but its not with an overabundance of feeling.   She's my mom and that's her due as a mom. 

I know it will bother me from time to time in the future, but putting it into context makes me able to move beyond it.  

And I can be ok with it. 

No Sleep Blues

I didn't sleep much last night.  Usually that happens when there is something up with mom, many texts filled with how much pain she is in. 

I think the cause of this is from a suggestion my sister-in-law made. She wants to take mom to a restaurant for her birthday. With me driving mom in my car.  I tried to explain why that wouldn't be a good idea.

Mom has already asked a couple times if I would take her out. And I said no. She isn't very mobile, getting out of her wheelchair and into the car ..... ugh.  Which also means I would be the one lugging the wheelchair in and out of my trunk.  And once my SIL leaves, *I* am the one who would be stuck with whatever an outing does to mom. 

People with anxieties do not do well when they don't stay within their routine.  When the routine is broken, so is the steady calm of knowing what comes next.  Mom doesn't handle it well, and the burden falls on me because I live here, and they don't.

I feel it in my gut that mom would continue to pester me to take her on "outings". 

Im getting tired of handling all this alone.