Telling A Story

If you're going to start telling a story, where do you start? 

I've gone back to working on my "novel" and it starts at what sometimes feels like a mid point. So do you go and start further back? Is it pertinent to the story? Or do I just want to tell that part of the story? 

I have a hard time deciding!

I've written a lot of different segments, but thought I had one version where there was more of it put together.  So I started going back through old files and whoa.  I have a large number of journal entries stored where I had forgotten about them. 

So now ..... what? Combine them all? Leave them as is? Print them? Some are 20+ years old! 

Where does the time go??

Am I still asking myself the same questions?

I've grown and changed over the years. I have surmounted obstacle after obstacle and survived, and in some ways thrived.

So now I need to figure out some starts and stops,  and polish things up.  

My (Step)Son

Moving to Ohio, I took on the task of raising my own two kids, along with his four. His were younger than mine.  We aren't supposed to have favorites, but Dougie had a way of touching a person's heart with his little ways, and a smile --- he always had a smile.  

When he was once suspended from school for some infraction I don't even recall, he had to help me with all the chores I do in a day while the kids are in school.  With a family of eight, there was ALWAYS laundry, dishes, cooking and cleaning to be done. He didn't complain the whole day.

He died in May 2008, and I just located a note I had received from him in April 2008.

i love you nnnnn! i would not be the man i am today if you had not been there to teach me how to have manners and be a gentleman. i still consider you my mom. you always will be.
i love you 
dougie

We had spoken on the phone a week before he died.  He was struggling with his decisions, and with getting in touch with his Dad.  I encouraged him to do so.  I don't know if he ever did. I hope so.

I had forgotten I'd kept this note -- then again, I tend to keep a lot of things..... 

Glad I found this one :)

Cleaning Up Files

My computer has long been my lifeline for a lot of things. One thing I do often is journal writing.  And sometimes, once written, it's lost and forgotten, almost as if it becomes acknowledged and I can let it go. It happens more often when I'm stressed, or some other kind of strong feeling.  I recently stumbled across some files from 2007, thought I'd share a little poetry I had written:

i sit

and feel nothing

but empty

when you're gone.

i wait

and feel hopeful

you will

return to me.

i smile

and feel joy

when i 

think of you.

i dream

and feel love

for the

man you are.

i love

and feel warmth

surround and

infuse itself within.

©LD.Poetry2007

And now I have about 40 more files to go through, figure out where it should be stored. I started this quest of locating the beginnings of a novel .... and I've found three different files, some of the versions were revisions, so back to editing and arranging, and maybe completion! 

Want Ads

In 1971, Honey Cone had a hit called Want Ads. It went "Wanted: young man, single and free... "

So what would your want ad say?

Would you list physical traits that are attractive to you??  Dark hair or light? Dark eyes or blue eyes? Tall? Facial hair?  I've had many crushes over my many years, some dark, some light, I'm not sure that matters very much.

Then there are the deal breakers: smoker? Drinker? Athletic? Couch potato?  Want kids or no kids?  Do you make a list of the things you like to do, such as hobbies?

What about character traits?  Obvious ones are kind, honest, sense of humor, and intelligence.  But how can you quantify those traits?  And do you have those same traits??

Then there's the adage that opposites attract,  but do they last?  And the other adage, that women are looking for a man like their dad? 

I was in my 30s and single when the internet started booming, and places like match .com were just starting up.  You uploaded a photo, and wrote a blurb about yourself, and included what type of mate you were looking for.  And yes, I heard of several who found mates that way, and have lasting marriages. 

Now that I'm older, has what I admire or like in a man changed?  What would I want to put in my ad?  I guess honesty and integrity would top the list. Being honest about the qualities he has, and the integrity to not just claim those qualities but actually live them. 

But I'm biased .... three strikes and I'm done looking. Doesn't stop the occasional wishing  though!

Why? Oh Why?

Much of life's troubles include the question why?  We always want the answers to this question.  As kids, we ask for something and Parent says "no" and kid asks WHY? It's been the same for many generations. Including the typical response "Because I said so"!

Over the years, I have asked many Whys?  An ex cheated, and the first question becomes why?  With the natural assumption that it had something to do with you.

My biggest why? was when my son died by suicide.  I will never get the answers to that one.  

My current why? has to do with growing up with my mother and what caused her to be the way she is.

It seems to be human nature to ask questions, to wonder why.  When we question things, sometimes we get answers,  breakthroughs, and other information. Critical thinking begins with asking why.  And yet when someone says something and the other person asks "Why?" we can feel threatened or offended. Its a simple question, and yet holds so much power behind it.

But after so many years, I have come to realize that we don't get answers to all our inevitable question of why.

But why??? 

One Step, Two Steps

Short post because my day is jam packed. So was yesterday. 

Arranged Mom's dentist appt, she went,  the tooth that was capped 8 months ago needs a root canal.  Called to make arrangements for that,  which isn't easy, because it also has to coordinate with transportation at her facility. They only run Tues and Weds.  Finally got it all arranged. 

Then a call back -- they don't take her insurance.  So now I start all over again finding a place that does this work, is within 10 miles, takes new patients, and has an opening between 10 and noon on a Tuesday or Wednesday. 

One step forward, two steps back. 

Waited an hour for an oil change, but getting checked out at the end, there was a line, a computer malfunctioned, so another 26 mins to get out of there. 

Two steps forward, one step back.

I am not a fan of making my own appts, now I make them for two of us. It put me out of sorts, so I compensated by eating Good N Plenty for dinner.  

My nephew called wanting help picking up the kids so he could work extra shifts and take a vacation next week.  I agreed this time, then it changed to picking up both kids, separate schools, separate times. And its across town from me so an hour of drive time.  And there's a small resentment burning because he doesn't visit his grandmother.   

One step forward, one step back.

I am trying to carve out time for my own writing projects. I started a novel years ago and want to get back to that. I try to carve out 20 mins a day for dealing with my mom issues. Or maybe there's some other kind of creativity I need to be trying.  

Either way, I want to try to have a life. Before its too late.  I could be in this elder care limbo for a long time. Who knows how long mom will hang in there.  One of her other residents juat had her 94th birthday.  Mom is only 88. 

Life is short.

More Hot

Phoenix and it's surrounding cities have broken heat records twice in the last 20 days. One at 117 and yesterday at 116.

Yes, its hot. And the heat takes a toll.  You can't just run around town, or maybe its just that you shouldn't.  We run our errands in the cooler morning temps. Same with chores. Getting up to do laundry, cooking, cleaning at 5am makes for a very long day.

It doesn't cool off at night, which compromises sleep.  If this keeps up .... well, its just not easy to get through. 

Tired and cranky isn't good.

When the heat of the day peaks, my chores are done in 15 min increments. Takes a while to accomplish things, but we persevere! 

Yes, we have AC. But your indoor temp can't be 50 degrees cooler than outside heat -- or maybe you can if you have the right circumstances. My thermostat is set at 83.

Arizonans aren't wimps!!!

Let It Go & Create Again

A line from an Alex Cross book:  "trauma gets passed along from generation to generation".

Is there truth in that statement??

I'm trying to mentally deal with things that are surfacing.  And at this point in life, it feels a little late to make major fixes.  So be it.  But that doesn’t stop my mind from wanting to know. I started realizing there was a problem when my mom started demanding hugs and my body rebelled. Makes the mind wonder wtf was that about? 

My mom had trauma in her life. Her mother died when she was 3. Her father remarried when she was 5. And somehow she believed in her young mind that her stepmother was going to kill her in her sleep.  I don't know what prompted the thought, or how her belief influenced her.  But I believe this period of trauma in her life affected her profoundly. 

Which in turn affected how she related to her own children.  

I know I was raised in a stable home, meaning Dad worked, mom raised us kids, there was dinner on the table each night, family vacations, etc.  We didn't have a lot of money, but we didn't do without basics.

So what triggers my body's revulsion at giving her the hugs she craves/demands? 

It's my nervous system signaling me I am not safe. If you're a reader of thrillers, that statement hits way different.  I'm 5'7" and I'm not a tiny woman. Mom is tiny and sits in a wheelchair.  My physical safety isn't the issue. It is the mental safety.  

I have found that I spend much of my mental capacity on all the coordinating that needs to be done for her.  I need to look at automating some of that. Its also time to stop trying to research and figure out WHY I feel the way I do.  I cant go back in time, I can't compare notes with my sister,  so why am I doing this? 

I have come to realize that when I am not around her, I have a capacity to do so many other things.  I have started two novels, I used to write poetry, take photographs, go on nature hikes. My creative side isn't just sleeping, it feels buried. And maybe that's a part of the frustration or anger.

Never showed my writings to my mother, except one. I wrote it in second grade when I wrote about hearing the sound of my Dad driving off to work in the Rambler. 

I need to start signalling my self that I'm ok to start being creative again.  So I'm going to sit down with pen and paper, and a timer, and try to let those free thoughts slide into my mind and onto the paper.  

Will this be a positive, helpful experiment?? I certainly hope so!!

Damn Phones

Do you ever want to throw away your phone????  

I am forever getting calls and texts I don't want. Too many and its overwhelming!!  And today I discovered there's an entire file of "spam" text messages .... something else clogging up our real life, and adding to the Google storage limits!!!!

FFS when does it stop???????

At least in "the old days", it was only stored on your desktop, and you didn't have to see/read it until you turned that PC on.

Now its one thing after another. 

Some days I just want to toss the phone. We have become acclimated to always being available. And we are cursed with so much information at our fingertips, that we are overloaded.  What started as "fun information" about friends and family has become a way to worm more advertising into our lives.

Way back in "the old days", I had cable TV as you could watch shows without advertising. Once advertising was inserted, I opted out of cable and haven’t had it since.  That's when owning movies on VCR then on DVD was great! 

Then when streaming apps started, I was willing to pay the few extra $$ a month for no ads.  If they take away that option, and corporations being what they are, it could happen. I'll opt out.

Wish I had opted out of FB when adverts started, but I liked being connected to friends and family far away.  Although I don't post there any more. 

We are so busy trying to "keep up" that they call it doom-scrolling.  I try hard to keep tech from intruding, but I still get sucked in from time to time 

Read a book, take a walk, create art. 

Too Small

My little house is too small for a lot of stuff.  Much of mom's stuff (a bookshelf and some miscellany with memories) has moved to my house because I don't know what to do with some of it.

My latest dilemma is a queen bed. Do I move the mattress and frame from her spare room into my spare room? It means I would have to get rid of the full mattress and underbed storage frame. 

Am I making too many compromises?  

Having a queen in the spare room would mean a place for my daughter and her husband to stay when they come up.  But is it worth it for once or twice a year? 

It was the same deciding to put a treadmill in the other spare room vs leaving it as a bedroom in case my granddaughter visits. The treadmill won last time.

So after some heavy thought, I opted to move the dresser in the spare bedroom into the closet, leaving enough wall space to move the bookshelves into that room, and making my living room feel less crowded and more like me.  

Its a bit of work, but I'm happy with the decision! 

And after another day..... I've completed the move, and arranged the tchotskies. I still have some cleaning out to do, and another trip to Goodwill, but I'm getting there! 

And its a very large feeling of relief having my living room back to normal. Its amazing how the weight of a room weighs a person down! 

Counting Backwards

I saw a post about calculating time backwards and realized its exactly what I do!!  If I need to be somewhere at 2, its takes 30 minutes to get there, so 130. I want lunch that's 30 mins, so 100. An hour to get myself showered and ready so thats 1200.  I need to empty the dishwasher, take out the trash, vacuum, so thats 1100.  

Well, you get the idea. My day plans backwards based on what needs to be done and what time I need to be there.  I've always done this, I have always been a planner type person. 

What surprised me is that not everyone does this. How do they get things accomplished in a day?  How do they arrive on time??  Although I shouldn't be surprised. My sister wasn't the kind to be on time.  In fact, we nicknamed her "LoriLate" because she was. Always.

Which has me wondering: is this a result of learning how to get things done? Or does it have something to do with being raised a certain way?

Its obvious I have mother issues, something I didn't allow myself to ponder or acknowledge until lately.  So, did I learn to think in this backwards way because I grew up knowing that I had to have X, Y, and Z completed before I could do anything else??

I could so easily make a list of things I do that I'm only beginning to question, things I do because of something I grew up with that influenced my actions.  And its quite easy to surmise that it affected my relationships ...

I'll continue pondering this.  I need to meet mom at the dentist at noon, 15 minutes drive time, an hour's worth of household chores,  so I need to stop writing and get working in 15 more minutes ......  

Have a great day! 

Defeated and Pissed

So I'm a little old lady, retired, just doing my thing.  I am always a rule follower and my community is ruled by an HOA.  Which is ok, keeps the neighborhood kept up. 

But 3 days ago, someone dumped an old chair frame on my front yard.  Personally, I think its the neighbors next door, but I can't prove it.  

Today, I got a notice from the HOA to remove said garbage or be fined by them.  

Talk about upsetting.  I promptly wrote them back, telling them I would remove said trash and have it picked up.  I wanted a record that said I took care of the problem this time, but also to advise them there may be a problem with folks dumping trash in the neighborhood.  

Talk about upsetting!  My stomach is in knots and its only 445am.  Another exciting day on my horizon!! 

To add to this frustration, my brother has decided to come visit-- and I already worked my ass off cleaning out moms house to get ready to sell. There's no dishes, no bedding on the beds, no bath towels or bath carpets. I even took down shower curtains.  

Just how much is this old lady supposed to take????? 

Mom Time

Another strange Mom day.  I don't know if its a change in meds, or her having too much time on her hands to think.

Its arizona monsoon season and when it gets rainy we get what we call sewer roaches indoors. She tried spraying one on her bathroom floor with Lysol air freshener. lol 

Then she complimented the shirt I was wearing, something I nabbed from what I call "the rag bag" --- which is really the back of the closet. 

Next was a rant about the mop board in her bathroom below her sink. She wants me to buy some white paint to cover the water stain. I said Ma, you don't own this place, that's something maintenence takes care of. This was also her passive-aggressive way of saying she wanted me to get some paint and to DO the actual painting for her.  Nope.

I try to maintain my cool when she gets on one of her rants.  It's not always easy, but why stir up a fight?  I don't win, and it gives her more to throw back at me.

But it was a beautiful sunrise this morning- what I call cotton candy clouds.  It pays to stop and take notice of the little things. 

Comparisons

How often do we judge ourselves by making comparisons?

In school we learned by comparing ourselves to classmates.  Her dress is better than mine.  He kicks the kickball farther than me.  That drawing is much better than mine.  Is it innate? Or do we learn to make comparisons?  Is it something that happens naturally because of parenting?

I like taking pictures, and I suppose some of them are better than average. I've always been comfortable behind the lens. And nature never disappoints, if you're looking.

But I get caught up in doom-scrolling social media, end up following professional photographers, and then am so disappointed in my own lack of skill that I don't take any photos.

Its like comparing ourselves to classmates.  She can have a pretty dress, but there are lots of pretty dresses .... what's with believing there's only one??  OK, a simple idiom, but what causes that kind of thinking??

I will never be a famous, adventurous wildlife photographer -- you have to leave your comfort zone for that -- and I don't. But photos don't have to be ... perfection.

I saw a post about taking photos for the sake of taking them, about noticing the subtle beauty around us all the time.  A cloud, a flower, even an ant carrying a crumb of bread. 

Maybe that's the point of maturity, the one where we finally stop comparing ourselves to others and learn to just be ourselves. I grew up with the phrase "keeping up with the Jones' ", and extremely disliked being compared to whatever was 'the thing' in that moment.

For me, the point is to learn to stop comparing, to knowing there will always be someone better at things.  

The only thing I need to be better at, is being better than I was yesterday. 

Never Stop Learning

I'm old.  I will be 67 in 3 days. They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks.  But that doesn't mean old dogs should stop trying.

We live in a different world than when I was growing up.  Learning came from doing, or from books. But these days there's Google, and I like being able to learn things, even if its just trivia.

Mom watches Heartland. The main character Amy is a horse woman in real life, and the horse on the show, Spartan, is her real horse.  See? You learned something new!  And she really sings, along with Jack, who really plays guitar.  

I Google plenty of things when I read. Someone drives a 1972 Ferrari, I look it up. Watching TV (Stay Close on Netflix), there's a sculpture in a park, had to look it up. "Dream is a sculpture and a piece of public art by Jaume Plensa in Sutton, St Helens, Merseyside."

I do the same with music, if someone is listening to a specific tune, I look it up and listen.  

Theres no shortage of things to know. Even if they're not relative, like learning math or English. Its still knowledge 

Never stop learning.

Hot, Hot, Hot

We had some high heat Friday.  Phoenix broke a record at 117.  I usually keep my thermostat set at 83. And my AC unit keeps up pretty well.  So why does it feel so much hotter??  Because I know it's that much hotter outside?  Probably the humidity, I prefer our usual 10%.

My bedroom has two outside walls, so I'm wondering if I should sleep in the spare bedroom? Or on the air mattress in the living room?  

Except I sleep that much better in my own bed. In my own room.

Either way, the heat can be brutal. Drink, drink, drink.  

And the next day, its 106 at 10am. Whew.

I remember one of my first few years here, I was going to run to the corner store,  I hopped in my car and the dash read 124 degrees.  I wonder if my car said that yesterday, as well?

Here's my mantra for the next 45 days, "hurry up September 15th!!"  By then the days are short enough to be able to feel the reduced heat.  

One day at a time.

BFF and the 70s

My BFF was my BFF before they were called BFFs!!   We met when we were 12, just starting junior high school, overwhelmed being in a new school with kids from other schools.  We were a strange mix. It was 1970, which was a strange time in history.

Chevy introduces the Vega, and Ford introduces the Pinto.  Palestinian terrorists hijack four airplanes, destroy one after evacuating occupants.  And we were in the midst of the Viet Nam war.  But politics didn't touch us as kids at our age.  

My BFF phoned me today, and we spent three hours reminiscing the things we did, like riding our bikes from home to Westgate shopping mall, 6 miles away. We would get a cold soda and wrap it with a paper towel and foil to keep it cold, and slip it onto our bike racks. We stopped halfway at a school to enjoy our drink.

Then there was Jack in the Box on one corner, and The Bottle Shoppe where we could buy cigs.  Taco Bell, shopping at Lawrence Square, or Mervyn's. Later it was Vallco Mall, where we spent many long Saturdays!  We had places to go, and the freedom as well.

Growing up in the 70s was .... a wonderful experience.  Slurpees at 7-11.  Meeting friends at the local public pool and swimming all afternoon.   We stayed out after dinner until the street lights came on.  We drank from garden hoses.  Hide and seek in the dark, group "dates" to the movies: American Graffiti, Cromwell, Gimme Shelter! 

We lived during a decade of so many things going on around us, and we enjoyed the freedoms in our childhood!  When we look back, it seemed like the very best of times! 

We had rock, funk, soul and the rise of disco had just begun.  We had an oil crisis in 1979, with gas shortages and long lines waiting to fill up. And then there was Watergate.

There were drive in movies, including Grease, Jaws, Smokey and the Bandit, and The Godfather.  And in 1977, Star Wars. 

It was THE decade to grow up in, and spending time with my BFF reminiscing makes me feel young all over again!

Heat Makes Me Cranky

Driving to visit mom, its hot, very hot, and going to be hotter Friday and Saturday.  Ah, the things we deal with in our Valley.  Sadly, because of the rains it is also humid.  Personally, if its going to be hot, I hope it dries up the humidity.

When we moved Mom into her care facility, we all talked about how its time for her to stop gifting money to her grandkids. They're all adults.  Except today, she tried to gift me birthday $ and I had to remind her we agreed to stop doing that. I understand her mindset, feeling grateful I visit and take care of things. 

At the same time, her gifts have a passive aggressive side benefit that she uses to fuel guilt on my part to take care of her because she 'pays me'. 

And yes, the heat is making me short tempered and cranky. 

So I decided to entertain myself and talk to Gemini, and told of an incident where I was on vacation at mom's and had brought her a short (15 min) slide show of recent photos I had taken. Halfway through, her grandson stopped by to wash his truck, and she went outside to help (meaning supervise) him.   

And my AI answer was "That behavior indicates a sharp boundary issue, a lack of consideration, and a clear reprioritization of her attention mid-activity. It highlights a painful shift where a structured, shared moment with you was instantly abandoned for a casual task with someone else."

More questions were asked and answered, and its odd how what I learned dealing with her is a lifetime pattern, and with those AI responses and information, my feelings are validated. 

It then went on to predict how she would react to situations (ie not answering her texts immediately) and gave me info on how to make adjustments to my phone.  

I realize AI is informational. But mom asked if we could play a card game, and I said I didn't like playing card games, AI said it was the correct response.  I'm acting as caregiver and daughter, we are not BFFs. Even though that is the role mother wishes for me.

Navigating through tumultuous emotions is like walking on eggshells over a minefield. I am trying to majntain my own self, my own peace while still providing care and support to my mom.   Summer heat makes it that much harder as there isn't much time spent in the outdoors .... think cabin fever! 

Next week, I get to accompany her to the dentist. 4 months ago she had got a crown, yesterday she told me her tooth is bothered by hot and cold. She said she didn't mention it because she didn't want to be a bother, and she thought it might go away.   

Yep. That's Mom.

It's Not Fair!!!

It's not fair!!!  How many times did you say that as a kid??  You ask mom if you can go outside, and she tells you no. Your first thought is "it's not fair!!"

You and a coworker both working hard at the job, and the coworker gets promoted,  "it's not fair"!! 

At what point jn your life do you stop thinking that.  Does it ever end? 

I'm still working on finalizing the stuff that needs to be done at Mom's house.  It's gotta go, and my brother is dragging his feet. And yep.... It's not fair!!

He was going to come back to "help". Instead, he posts pix of camping trips, concerts, etc., while I am doing the mom thing.  

It's easy to complain about the fairness, but sometimes its easier to suck it down and just get the job done.  So that's what I'm doing.

It's my role in the family dynamic.

And its not fair! 

PS took yesterday as a mental health day, as in I am not making a single decision.   And I didn't!  Some days, making a decision is beyond my mental abilities!!  But today, what's next? Time to decide!

Sound Of Silence

The original Sound of Silence was performed by Simon and Garfunkle, back in 1964.   As a kid, I was like 5, music didn't have much of an impact on me, rather just nice melodies in the background.  

This was a common song, played often on the radio. By the time I was a teenager, I knew the words to this and Bridge Over Troubled Water, both iconic songs for the times.

But in 2016, it was performed on Conan, by Disturbed. That is THE dreamiest version of the song I have ever heard.  David Draiman performs with an orchestra (love the kettle drums!).

His voice control is amazing. He made the song come alive, and I have watched this over and over, and over again.  He starts out in a smooth baritone and finishes with a raw edge in his voice that leaves tingles!! 

As the song builds to an amazing crescendo, when he sings the final sound of silence you can actually feel the audience in stunned silence themselves. 

If music moves you, and you haven't seen this, search for Conan and Disturbed. You won't be sorry!!