Always a fool...

You know what they say:  Once a fool, always a fool.   and boy do I feel foolish.
I'm quite certain his "i give a shit" ... isn't.
When I give a shit, well hell, how can I make a comparison - I can't, because I've been 'me' all along.

I had a rough night last night with a nightmare.  And of course, I can't even text "my best friend" when that happens, because....  And so I told him "what kind of friendship is that?"

I had a relatively good day, and a good moment this morning, when I thought "yeah, I can love him, in my own way, and be ok with it".  So I told him. 

Know what?  No response.  He doesn't read this blog.
He doesn't follow my other one either.  And I started it because of him.

What a fool I am.
Wouldn't you agree??

I guess women in general always want to understand the why's when it comes to things like this.  I'm not sure why we're made that way.  Maybe because answers help us be better people along the way, but by a show of hands... how many of you women EVER got satisfactory answers after some kind of break up to help you understand the why's and how's - even if only to use in the next relationship so you can avoid those same kind of mistakes???  Yeah. That's what I thought. Me Either.

I have really dark moments when I realize just how alone I am at times.  Those can be really scary moments.  Being alone isn't fun - its difficult to make decisions when there is no one to bounce things off of.  It becomes even more difficult when you're not the average female in so many ways.  I'm smiling and chuckling to myself because when I chat with men, I often start off the conversation with "I'm not your average female...."  hehehe  And its true, I'm not like most women.

This is long and rambling. 
It's 11pm and I guess I got what I'll term my goodbye text at 430pm, wishing me a safe trip home, and to love my family, with no word since then, no moves in a computer backgammon game we play, no sign of him in the online world.

Maybe that's for the best.

If that's the case, why does it hurt so much?

Love

I am so blessed.  I have a family who has taught me how to love.  In fact, they still teach me.  There are all kinds of love in this world, and I know that I can love someone without expectations, without reciprocation, just because I have it within me. 

“Being deeply loved by someone 

gives you strength,

while loving someone deeply 

gives you courage.”

~~Lao Tzu

“Love comes  to those who still hope
even though they've been disappointed,
to those who still believe
even though they've been betrayed,
to those who still love
even though they've been hurt before.”

TS: i love you

GO GIANTS!

Sunday Night Football -- I'll be tuned in, will you?

Time

Don't be someone's

downtime,

spare time,

part time 

or sometimes

If they can't be there for you 

all of the time, 

then they're not even worth your time.

Vacation Spot?

If someone said "Its vacation time..." 

What spot immediately comes to mind?

For me, its a beach.  Or the mountains. 

Anywhere I can be quiet with nature. :)

True Friend

Today's Quote

"Change the changeable, 

accept the unchangeable, 

and remove yourself from the unacceptable."

Unplugged

Hey readers:  

I am unplugged -- on vacation

I'll be back on Tuesday!!

Too many thoughts

Can't sleep.  I've had so many thoughts in my head.  And also have noticed that I blog a lot more when that happens.  I have all these things inside that never get shared.  His words took away my best friend.  And now I'm feeling lost.

Sometimes I feel selfish for telling him that I loved him, upsetting his world.  It wasn't something he wanted, and I knew that.   I think I knew in my heart all along that it was a one way street for me, that love couldn't be reciprocated.  And maybe that's what it was all about for me.  He was safe; it was safe for me to love him.

I don't know the details of his real life situation.  I keep holding on to the thought of trying to find the man I fell in love with within the man I can only have as a friend.  And I'm not being very successful so far.

My advice to my friend is for him to escape what makes him unhappy, but I can see selfish reasons within my advice.  So I guess my best advice is advice from my fav movie, Bridges:  Go and do what you must to be happy.  (I need to take this advice as well...)

Once he sent me a package, and didn't include a note, or the flannel shirt we talked about - and from that, I think I knew that what I wanted would never be.  Of course, a package from him was never about the thing being sent --- its all about the little things.  Those are what matter to me.  Like in the song "Hold On" -- its the dimestore watch and a ring made from a spoon.

Then again, I have moments where I can flip flop over to the other side of thinking:  its all a ruse; the lies and omissions were just things that kept my hopes alive.  That I was just his entertainment on some boring evening when he had nothing else to do.  These are the thoughts I hate more than anything.  Which makes me wonder:  Did I know this man at all??   Or worse: Didn't I learn from from my past???  How many times do I have to do this?

As you can see, the late night / early morning hours bring up the ugly side of thoughts.  It takes effort to remember that he and I share such similar viewpoints on things, that we can talk for hours about things and never run out of stuff to say.  But the dark side says that's pathetic, you made yourself vulnerable again to someone who never planned on reciprocating.

Time for some shuteye -
vacation looms just around the corner
and I'm ready for some down time
with family, people who love me.

Mondays...

Welcome to another Monday!!

ugh.....

A Knight??

Tossing the iChing coins - because I'm out of sorts.  Eating patterns were off yesterday, and am in the middle of changing habits.  And of course, my perspective will shift, according to my chinese fortune cookie!

50. The Cauldron

The situation is in a good condition, the results of the transformational work are ready to be moved to where they are needed. It's good to go on this way.

So maybe the changes are a good thing.
If so, then why does it hurt? why does it seem impossible at the moment?

I have asked myself "why not just keep on keeping on, I'm not hurting anyone..."  but I am, if not directly, then indirectly.   And with the changes that have happened in the past year -- my gut instinct is that 'she' knows, which has resulted in less availability than ever before.  I call it a noose, and its tightening.   At the same time, its affecting me as well.  I check my phone a hundred times a day; I wish for things that cannot be;  and maybe in a little way, what I want is a Knight who fights for what's worth fighting for.... what woman doesn't?  Its part of the fairy tale we're taught when we're young.

Love/Hate

September

September always means one thing:  My granddaughter's birthday!  This year, she turned 10 -- where did all the years go????  They are flying by!  So that meant an out of town trip - not too far, just far enough :)  Packed up the pup and headed out... First stop, her soccer game:

Go Red Lightning Bolts!

Next stop, Skate Country!

(Isn't she a HAM? hahaha)

 

It was a fun day :) Always good to see family!  Well... my family.  Seeing the ex isn't always part of the 'good' - but at least we can be civil, get along, that sort of thing.  So overall, I can't complain.  

 

Besides ... I looked GOOD!  *gigglesnorts*

At the end of every skate session, they do the Cha Cha slide - one of my fav line dances!  So I'm always out there with the kids, dancin' up a storm ;)

Happy September everyone !!

Pooh Knows....

"Sometimes," 
 said Pooh 
"the smallest things take up the most room in your heart."






That kinda sums up how I'm feeling today.
Its the little things.
The things that matter most.


Like Robert in my fav movie, in the end, all he has are some memories, and two little things from the woman he loved with all his heart:  her medallion and a handwritten note.

*sigh*

Where's the chocolate??

Bridges ....

When I get to feeling a certain need, I put Bridges of Madison County in my DVD player.  There's just something about this movie that works for me.  Clint Eastwood is a wonderful director.  He knows how to take a scene and make it say so much without words, using light and long looks. 

But I popped this in tonight because ... well, in the past I've always identified with the female character, know what it feels like to love someone you can't have.  But maybe I have been looking at it all wrong.  Francesca is the one married, who can't leave her situation.  And Robert is the one who loves her enough to walk away from her life.

The goodbye scene is very moving; Francesca talks Robert through her reasons for not being able to leave.  She can't hurt her husband, or her children.  But her best point is this: 

What about us?  he asks.
You have to know, deep down, the minute we leave here, everything will change.
No matter how much distance we put between ourselves and this house
I'd carry it with me, I'd feel it every minute we're together
and I will start to blame loving you for how much it hurts
and even these 4 days will seem sordid.

Some people search all their life to find this;
others don't believe it exists at all.
This kind of certainly happens but once in a lifetime.


I'm wondering if I shouldn't be taking a lesson from his point of view on this one.  The last scene between the two of them is a rainy street corner.  She's in town picking up a few groceries, and Robert is about ready to leave.  He sees her in the truck, and stands on the corner in the pouring rain, and says his non verbal goodbye as he looks long and hard at her, then turns and climbs into his truck and drives away.



It had to be that hardest thing in the world, to walk away from that love he was so sure was 'it' - that deep abiding love that reaches our soul - the one most people wish they had.


(Odd isn't it -- that my fortune was about my perspective changing, and a I have an "AHA" moment when I watch Bridges...???)

Fortunes

Chinese food for dinner!  Was yummy, haven't had that in ages and ages ... more than 4 years!

My fortune:

Your perspective will shift

Hmmm. Whatever that means.

Because I'm female.... 

doesn't that mean it shifts anyways? Constantly?

*laughs*

Mornings

Saturday morning.... 9:43 and I'm trying to get ready.  Stupid thoughts come to mind as I'm getting dressed, like "does this look ok?"  Wait a minute... I'm going to see my daughter and granddaughter.  They'd be fine if I wore holey jeans and a sloppy t-shirt.  lol  So why do I care if I look ok?  Yeah, yeah, its because my ex will be there, so a good impression needs to happen. Can't have him thinking "whew, glad I'm not stuck with HER!"  *laughs* 

So the pup and I are awake at "oh dark hundred" like every other day... and we decided to head out to the local park to try for a few sunrise pictures.  OK, to be honest, the pup didn't care about getting pictures. lol  She was more interested in chasing the ducks and sniffing out the smells. 

We weren't the only ones

out there taking pix

It was a

gorgeous

morning!

POF - Lew

It's no wonder I'm not all that anxious about getting out there right away:

would you like some company tonight; I wouldn't be spending the night just cuddling kissing and touching if you like

 sorry, I'll have to pass on company tonight. I get up at 4am for work, so I'll be asleep in the next 20 mins.

 I could probably be at your place in 15 minutes if you like if you give me your address so we can cuddle and kiss for about a half hour and then I can say goodbye

 thanks, but no thanks.

Do men REALLY think I'd give out my address 
to a stranger and invite him over??
This isn't the 70's, free love is over.  
It's a whole new ballgame and the players have all changed.

Any Real Men?

Are there real men out there?  Men that women want? and desire?  Not in the "he's so good looking I want to jump his bones" kind of desire.  I'm talking about the kind where you're his best friend, and he is yours.  Someone who's always there for you; and you're there, too.

Someone on POF asked me the other day:  What are you looking for in a man?  And I tell ya, that gets harder and harder to answer as I get older.  But I tried to answer with as much honesty as I could:

I value honesty, integrity and respect. But sometimes just those things sound boring. A sense of humor, someone I can relate to, and who relates to me, someone to share things with. But I'll be honest and say that its been so long, maybe what I'm looking for is the impossible, and I can accept that too. 8 yrs ago, I restarted my life and finally have a house of my own, can stand on my own two feet proudly. And maybe at my age, that's enough. I know deep down its not, that having someone to share life with is the greatest treasure. This might not be enough of an answer, but its not always easy putting words to something that can be complicated in answers, and so simple when there's the right chemistry between two people.

When James first wrote about the things he likes to do, the kind of man he is, my first thought was:  He's too good to be true!  Or maybe he really isn't -- and its worth taking a shot.

So why do I hesitate?
Is it because I haven't had 'that' kind of relationship before?
Or that the ones I have had, have always disappointed me??

It shouldn't be this hard.  But there are so many things that make life easier nowadays that maybe most people are bored, don't know what to do, so they live life through obtaining bedpost notches.

That's not for me.
I'd rather be alone.

Take Action!

Today's quote:   

“Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. 

Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice.” 

– Wayne Dyer

 
You are responsible for how you feel.
You can blame external things if you want to,
but it will never change how things are.
It is only when you accept your own responsibility that you can take action.

I found this quote because I have been thinking about my beach trip .... and my reasons -- err excuses -- for not doing it.  How did I get to this thought??  Well, I was pondering how fast this year has gone .... Did you know the holidays are right around the corner? 
 

That's right, only
  95 shopping days left!!

And that thought was the turning point of arriving at reviewing my accomplishments this year......

It was my goal at some point this year  to get to the beach.  Everyone has a place that provides their soul with some peace, solitude, a way of getting away -- the beach is my place.  And I haven't made that.  Yet.  But I'm going to - come hell or high water!  No telling how or when, just yet, but its in the works, in the budget, I think.  I just need to quit stalling and do it.  No sense in letting fears hold you back!

Got Beach?

Trying Hard

Trying so hard to just get through.

All I wanted was to get through this week at work (day 10 of 12 done! 2 more to go)
Get through the weekend, this is "party weekend" for my granddaughter.
And yes, I'm always happy for her, to see her.
But my daughter has it in her head that "we all get along" - meaning her dad and I at the same events.  Which I can tolerate -- to a point.  

When it rains, it pours.

What makes it harder is that a couple years back, I started to believe that I wouldn't be attending these things alone; it sure would be easier bringing "a date" along.  But of course, those ideals are shot to hell now.  Its just hard getting through them; I usually end up crying by the time I get home after all the stress of the day, the long drive, and from feeling alone all over again. 

Ever notice how everything happens at once?

I need to get Sadie fixed
I need to make a doctor's appt, dental appt, eye dr appt
Make some phone calls
Get to the gym

Sometimes I look back on these kind of moments and wonder:  How the hell do I do it all?
Life manages to take interesting, twisting roads, and we keep enduring -- but do we find real joy? Or is life passing us by?  I'm a big believer in "the little things" making the difference between joy and drudgery.  Check out this poster sent to me by a friend, it says it all.

Notice the little things,
get through the major things,
and be happy along the way, my friend!

Little Moments

Isn't it funny that just a little bit of simple work makes you feel that much more in control?  It doesn't lessen the pain, or the longing, or the missing, but it makes it seem ... bearable.  

When my pup gets a little wild, wanting attention, I get to doing chores that she chases around after.  I got my house vacuumed (she doesn't like the vac, barks at it!), then swiffer-mopped the tile (she chases after the mophead, trying to bite it!), wiped down the kitchen counters, and even made time for a few pictures.

All those things make me feel as if I'm in control, and not being controlled by feelings.  Quite the revelation!
So I lotioned up every part of me, and even put on some nail polish.
Any volunteers to paint my toenails? *giggles*


Sat for a good portion of the evening on the back porch, cintronella candle burning (we have mosquitos this year after all the monsoon rains), listening to the night traffic, the neighbor's dog barking.  The stars are really pretty in the sky.  And there's a sense of peace - for the moment.  And that's what its all about, the little moments.  If you have a lot of little moments all pushed together, life seems pretty good.


Guard well within yourself that treasure, kindness.
Know how to give without hesitation,
how to lose without regret,
how to acquire without meanness.
— George Sand

Brick Project

Tuesday -- and it feels like it should be Weds, or Thursday!  It's been a long week.  Interminable, at times.  Work is a struggle.  I can do the job by myself IF there are no interruptions, or special projects.  But damn, they just don't give me a break very often.  It was actually pleasant working on the weekend, getting everything done on a timely basis -- and leaving at noon! 


This is the side yard that will be used for some drainage from the backyard when it rains during monsoon season.  My idea is that I will dig down 4-5 inches and fill it with crushed gravel rock, so that water has a place to sit as it drains away.  Much better than the huge mud puddle it creates just off my patio-- and sometimes all over the patio!

After a quick lunch of pulled pork nachos with guacamole and tapatio` sauce, I got in a short nap.  Definitely needed since I haven't been sleeping well.  After that, I got up and started on the brick project.  I picked up some bricks yesterday at Lowe's, and started setting them in place.  I figure I'm a third of the way done.   I might have gotten more done, if Sadie wasn't such a big hindrance.... errrr..... help *grin* 

But its coming along! 













There isn't any thing planned for this part of the bricks beside the river rock that is buried in parts of the yard --- except for the "treasured rocks" I pick up from time to time when I go places :)

Ouch

I've been sitting,
trying to keep my mind occupied
this evening. 
I think this is the first time in years,
literally years,
since I didn't spend time with him
talking about anything and everything. 
And its been so very hard. 
I wonder how strong I can be,
how long I will stick to my principle. 
I've had a headache all day,
along with aches and pains everywhere. 

I'm tired, but can't sleep
when my eyes close,
I dream.
bad dreams.

*sigh*
I should try and get some sleep.
More tomorrow.

A Letter

Dear Friend:

What would I say if I sat down to write you a letter? 

This is a hard time for me.  And I've been trying to find peace within myself in order to maintain our friendship.  But your revelation didn't change anything for you;  you are still in the same position you were in before.  But it changed everything for me.  I believed in a man who promised "someday"; that we would share a life, that we would have a future together.  The dream, that hope, was ripped to shreds.  And I have to have space to get it in my brain that what I believed in can never be.  That our friendship is all it will ever be.  And it will take some time.

I'm trying not to assign blame -- because  there are always two people that allow this to happen:  one to perpetuate it, one to believe it.  In some ways, I blame myself, because I didn't have the courage to stand up for myself and say "bullshit" -- tell me the truth.  Sometimes its easier to believe in an illusion. 

I've had moments where I panic and think WTH was I doing?  But as I always say about my past, there are always good things in a relationship, even the ones that end, or we wouldn't have been in them in the first place.   In my heart, I believe we're good for each other - and no one or no situation can take that away.

It was the longest day ever for me.  All I really wanted to do was talk to you, to grab my phone and send you a text; to log on and have a convo with you.  But I just can't right now.  Know that I miss you, and our long talks, our little smiles throughout the day. 

Love,
~Gal

Monday's Musings

*streeeetch* boy does a nap feel good!  *yawns* I'm still tired, but I'm upright and partially awake.  I am sitting in my yard, watching the pup snoop around.  Its pleasant out - about 95, and a slight breeze.  I was hoping to do some yard work here, but didn't have the product I need to get started.  Helen says I can have her bricks -- guess I gotta figure out how to get over there and get some!

Wish I knew someone who knew something about fixing up what I call the rough edges of the house.  I have this clapboard siding?  I'm not sure what to call it.  Its panels that are made to look like 1x6s attached to the side, running up and down.  Well at the bottom, there's no finish, it just rests there against the foundation.  And since the house is like 25 yrs old, the bottom of these pieces are starting to show wear in places.  I was trying to figure out .... could I run a bead of caulk in the angle between the foundation and the bottom edge of these panels?  Is that the solution?  (although I'm terrible at running a caulk like that doesnt get all over everything else)  I would like to seal it somehow because I believe crickets slip indoors from those places.  Or maybe I'm wrong.  That spray foam filler wouldn't be the answer, that would just be another mess.  Or maybe just a silicon putty that I slather onto a putty knife, and sort of apply like I might put peanut butter on my toast?  I am liking that idea the best so far.  If you know of a solution, PLEEEEASE leave me a comment!

Dashed off to Lowe's and got a pipe to slide in under the walkway to begin what I hope to be a better drainage system down the side of the house.  It will be a bit of work, but worth it in the end.  Ah the joys of figuring this all out for myself.  I love to do projects, but it sure would be more fun with a life partner.  :/  We also grabbed 15 more pieces of brick edging to put along the side of the house to keep the river rock in place.  It's already starting to take shape, love the look!



Yeah, I'm rambling.  Because these are the kinds of things I would talk about with......  
It was so nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of.

My lettuce perked up a little better today.  Being transplanted wasn't its favorite thing.  My tomato plant looks like it is enjoying the spot I put him in.  Am hoping I planted it in time to get a few tomatoes from it before Christmas. 

Happy Monday :)

Missing

2pm,

home from work

long day, 

even tho it was shorter than normal

didn't sleep much

am feeling lost

like i am missing

a huge piece of me.

cryin'

i should be tired
exhausted
too many tears
sore eyes

thankful for work tomorrow
it will keep my mind busy
along with my hands

but
its the nights that are hardest
feeling more alone
than ever before


and the tears begin again.

i am not a fan of tv
but am thankful for
another human voice
for the time being

RuuFFFFF DaY

Today was a rough day for me.  So that brings up the question:  Did it go bad *after* I had  [mutter, mumble] quite a few m-m's early in the morning?  Or did I have them because I was feeling bad?????

I had to work again today -- day 7 on a stretch of 12.  Luckily, they will be shorter days, so I can still come home and have time to myself.  Sort of.  At least sneak in a nap. ;)

And maybe that's a part of being a little testy, on edge ....  Well, ok, let's be honest, that's not the whole reason.  But that's another thing.  When I thought about what needs doing --- well, I cried all the way home.  Most days, if I get to crying in the car, its usually soft quiet tears.  Today, it was bad enough that I had to pull off the road, I was fearful I wasn't seeing the road properly.   That's bad. Worst that's ever happened to me.

I finally had to tell someone I thought of as my best friend that I can't handle it any more.  What should have been an easy, short thing became longer.  Its really hard saying that to a best friend without talking it out, because we've always talked things out.  But I tried to make him understand how much it pains me -- and he started to say "let me tell you how it goes..."  and fuck!  no. don't. please don't.  I can't bear it.  It hurts too much to even say "sleep well" .. knowing. assuming. imagining.  I don't feel as if we parted enemies.  We've had too many good years for that to happen.  But things will be easier this way.  In the long run.

My Zen

This is my wall - This is my Zen

An assortment of sticks

that I balance and arrange

to suit my whims and sense of being.

(Just thought I'd share!)

POF BigFoot

30 minutes and still going ... a VERY nice chat with a pleasant younger man.  A corrections officer.  Local.  He's wearing a cowboy hat in his picture.... and ya'll know me and hats!   hehehehe   How much younger than a woman is too young?  We all know Demi Moore did what I call "the cougar thing" and went younger.  But does it work?  In the real world, I mean?   An affair could be lovely, I suppose. *grin*

But would someone the age of my children bring out the Mom in me?  Would that make a relationship awkward?  For some reason I get this vision in my head .... My boyfriend comes over to spend time with me, but gets sucked into playing video games with my son all night.....  lol  Yeah, I know, don't go there. hahaha

But.  After a few of the norm 'get to know you' questions ... it got stuck on the "I'd really like to kiss you" track.  And didn't derail from that.  So much for this train.

NEXT?!?!?

OMFG .... lol  EZGUY123 wants to meet me!!!  But.  he's giving away a free one-hour consultation for financial stress management -- I think I'll pass.  I don't need that kind of guy!

NEXT Please!!!!!!

Dear Ouija!

Ouija Board... what will you tell me tonight?

In an effort to find answers, or maybe its to justify in my mind the past 8 years....  I decided to try an online version of the Ouija Board.  I've done it before, and I have to admit I start by asking silly questions:  What is my shoe size?  Is it dark outside?  Something to get it going.  And I asked a few obvious questions.  I've used the Ouija Board before, always with respect.  There have been a few times where I would try to use it, ask my first question and it would spell out "LEAVE ME NOW".  Never, ever have I not listened, nor tested it when it told me that;  I just politely exited the screen and didn't go back. 

Tonight, I was asking very pointed questions, because I'd like answers.  I was on my third or fourth question, and each time the pointer moves slow and accurate across the screen to give the answer.  Then I ask my next question, and the pointer literally flew across the screen to the YES answer.  *blink*blink*  Whoa, I'm thinking, that was bizarre.  I ask the next question, and the answer is "spring".  Which wasn't quite what the answer should have been.  It was a "yes or no" type of question!  But told me spring.  When I asked the next question that I expected another Yes/No answer, and it said 7.  And frankly, 7 months from now it will be spring.  Is there some synchronicity to the answers to both those questions?   I'm still pondering that one!

And for my last question?  Again, there was no answer, just LEAVE ME NOW.

Ok, Good Bye :) 

POF RocketDawg & 62-OnTheGo

"Hi, my name is Dave....."


We get through the usual "meet n greet" phrases -- how are you, that sort of thing.....

He tells me he just moved into an apt, doesn't have a computer, and is at the library (I can respect that!)  Then proceeds to give me his phone number, tells me to text him, and "hurry up, do it, you won't be sorry".  Hmm.  I sent him back a message, "I don't give my number out this soon, certainly you can understand that...."

And nothing back.

To me, its a lack of respect to disregard the other person's point of view.
Who needs to start off without respect?
NEXT!

62-OnTheGo

how was your day
      Wasn't too bad ... for most people its Friday, but I'm on a different work schedule this week
      and have 6 more days to go. How was yours?
 mine alright are you a nurse
      sorry, i'm not a nurse, i'm a BigBoxMartian
ok part or full time
      full time, i work in the back offices


and no answer back... *sigh*
All his answers were short, terse, no punctuation -- not a very good impression.... 
This just isn't my thing!
Or maybe I'm being totally picky!!

Ready to date???

I tried finding some self help for on the topic ....  Am I ready to start dating again???

(Borrowed this from here ) How ready are you to date? A lot of people think being ‘ready’ means ready to get attention, have companionship, get sex, an ego stroke – ready to jump back in the saddle. However being ready to date, which prepares you for being ready for a relationship is actually about being mentally and emotionally ready. In this quiz, find out your dating readiness. The more you agree with, the more ready you are.


1. I’m over my ex and am no longer emotionally invested in them.
2. No seriously Natalie, I’m not holding out a secret hope that we’ll get back together. Oh and I don’t have any other exes lurking around.
3. I believe that a loving, healthy relationship with mutual love, care, trust and respect is out there for me.
4. There are still a lot of good people to date.
5. I trust myself and I’m OK with acting in my own best interests even if it may hurt a little.
6. I am aware of my boundaries and red flag behaviour and if I were to encounter someone that overstepped my boundaries and/or exhibited red flag behaviour, I would know what to do.
7. I know that sex and love are not the same thing.
8. I have a reasonable level of trust and am not controlled by my fears. In fact, I am actively working on addressing any issues that have previously affected me in relationships.
9. I can mentally and emotionally cope with someone not reciprocating my interest or dates not working out.

Yeah, I'm not ready.  I'm not over, and I still have strong emotions.  Secret hope that someday will happen?  Probably a little of that, too.  *sigh*

When I tossed the iChing coins tonight, I got this:

49. Change
Line 1:

Fastened using the leather of a yellow ox.

Things are too fixed to change them.

That last line is probably the most telling line of all.

 When I consulted a different site for hexagram 49, I got:  Love: Your relationship may be in need of a radical change, but first you should plan for all eventualities. 

 So why can't I let go? 

Zen at Work

I follow a Zen blog, and today's posting was about having Zen at work.  Now that might sound like a crazy idea - or put the notion in your head that we just sit down crosslegged on the floor, our wrists on our knees, finger and thumb touching and chanting some strange "ooohhhmmmm".  Totally not the case! (Unless of course you feel a huge need for that -- I recommend that during lunch.  maybe in your car even! hehehe) 

The one key point was this:

At work, we often face stressful situations, dreaded projects, irritating co-workers, frustrating bosses, an overwhelming number of tasks and messages, boring work we don’t enjoy.
These problems have one simple cause: we’re holding on.

 Of course we are.  It's very hard to let go of the minor irritations that really get our goat!  When you let go of these ideas of how things should be, how other people should behave to make you happy, how you can do everything at once … then the problems go away.  They simply don’t exist.

One of the things I've done most of my life is follow a simple rule when there's an overwhelming amount of tasks to be done (and let's face it -- in today's work place, that's an every day occurrence!)  My suggestion is if you pick it up, you deal with it - fully, all the way through.  If you pick up a piece of paper, don't set it down in some other place  because you'll "do it later".  You'll be worrying in the back of your mind about when you'll have time to get to the 'later' stuff!  Pick it up and deal with it.  If it needs to be filed, file it.  Same with sorting out your closet -- and let's face it, girls, its something that we put off all the time!!  Pick up one item and decide - keep it? donate it?  toss it?  The point here is to deal with every little item that needs to be dealt with.  Cleaning off the top of your desk?    Pick up all the pens and put them back in their place.  Toss out all the empty soda cans and water bottles.  Don't just keep moving them from place to place! 

Find your Zen for work, and make work a less stressful place; let those other things fade away, and live in what’s actually happening, right now.

PS:  I'm chuckling - when I looked at images for 'zen', I found pictures of rocks piled up like this one.  And I've always done that when I'm out in the yard, out for a walk, I pause, pick up a rock or two and pile them up.  Had no idea it was my own kind of "zen"!!!  ~grin~

POF Tommy

Yay or Nay?

Tommy seemed like a really nice chat - his bio is really nice, retired serviceman.  His sisters helped him get on POF and he's been there two months.  We chatted easily for maybe 5 minutes, but then he wanted to talk on the phone.  Am I too cynical, too worried about giving out my number and rushing things?

Am I really ready for this?  My BFF says I'll never be ready until I stop all contact, and stop holding out all my hopes.  Its hard for me to admit that she's probably right, but I'm pretty sure she is. 

I've talked abt it with the girls at work.  Barb and Helen are both married, but they're not matches made in heaven, for sure.  Each with their own set of issues, as I tell them about this, and my adventures on POF, they seem convinced they would rather stay with their own 'known' problems than deal with the unknown and not knowing or trusting when you try to meet someone new.  When did dating become so difficult?  It's definitely for the younger crowd!!

Power of Music

Plugged in my headphones yesterday while I was working, hoping they'd help me keep focused... but found that listening to old love songs isn't an easy thing to do...  there are a couple of songs I couldn't listen to at all; a few songs were good to hear, but after a few of them, I just wanted to curl up in a quiet corner somewhere.

Last night, after a long day at work, I was playing my Willie Nelson playlist with a bunch of old classics like "Seven Spanish Angels" and "Healing Hands of Time", along with a new song called "A Horse Called Music"  (Which is a terrific song, btw! have a listen!!)

What is it about music that makes us relate it to some place, some person, some time?  Is everyone like that, or just those who are musically inclined perhaps?  Music helps make very vivid memories -- and hearing a song at a later date can bring back so much.

I have a few songs that are painful to listen to.  Hoobastank's "The Reason"  is one of them.  I've mentioned it before, but its short.  When I lived in Ohio, I was raising stepkids and my boys were into playing guitars and this one they played after graduation for a 'concert' in the backyard.  (I love you and miss you, Doug Mulle Jr! RIP)  Well, when it comes to music, you get the idea.  Songs can bring back good memories, and hard memories.  It will always be that way, but I was reminded again that I need to clean out my mp3 player and make it more work-friendly, less full of memories.  "Spiritual" has definitely got to come off of there.  *sigh*

9-11

Good advice:  Yes!  life is only a short moment, and sometimes shorter than we want it to be. 
Don't waste any of your precious days!
If you love someone, tell them!

POF Normal Guys

My last two posts re: POF didn't play men in a very good light.  But let's face it,there are some not so good apples in the bunch!  However, I do have to play fair and let ya'll know there are some who are nice enough to have more than a few short lines of conversation with.

There's "Steve", and we're starting to get to know one another; he's an Oakland Raiders fan -- but I won't hold that against him!  hehehehe  Then there's "Door #1" who's first question was for me to tell something fun about myself.  And that's not an easy question to answer!  I don't tell jokes, I'm usually the quiet studious one in the back of the room.  When I venture out to take pix, its when there aren't people around .... eh, that's just who I am, and I'm not making excuses, nor thinking I need to change.  I did tell a little bit about my travels to Superstition Mountain.  To me, that's fun!  The third man to message me was someone I knew a long time ago from MySpace -- I found that rather funny, then had to wonder if there was some kind of 'fate' thing that our paths were meant to cross again? 

TBH, I'm trying really hard to ...be patient and give them a fair chance. 
Right now, its very hard.
Because they will never be 'him'. 
Will that be my constant yardstick?  :/  

"get over it.
evidently he doesn't love you all that much
or he would be with you.
Open your eyes ,
get a life,
move on."

Hey... I'm trying.

POF meuandus

"Hello

Nice picture very pretty.. Yes lets meet for coffee and talk.. would love to get to know you

Paul"

Nice enough message.  Until I check the stats.  He's 66. He's not interested in a commitment or anything serious.  and He's married.    Yeah, that doesn't sound like something that would suit me well at all! 

NEXT!

And I fall again....

Damn your eyes

I can do what I want
I'm in complete control
That's what I tell myself
I got a mind of my own
I'll be alright alone
Don't need anybody else

I gave myself a good talkin' to
No more bein' a fool for you
And when I see you all I remember
Is how you make me wanna surrender

Damn your eyes
For takin' my breath away
Makin' me wanna stay
Damn your eyes
For getting my hopes up high
Makin' me fall in love again
Damn your eyes

 It's always the same
You say that you'll change
Some how you never do
I believe all your lies
Look in your eyes
You make it all seem true

I guess I see what I wanna see
Or is my heart just deceiving me
And with that look I know so well
I fall completely under your spell

Truer words were never sung.  Etta knows the heart of a woman, and sings it with complete passion.  You should check out more of her music!  RIP Etta, January 25, 1938 – January 20, 2012  You will be missed.

Not Ready

shit.  What a way to start a blog.  But the thought of letting go, of losing my best friend, is mind numbing.  A couple of weeks ago, I forced myself to stop wearing my thumb ring.  Even though it wasn't from him, I've been associating it with him for a long time.  And now I'm venturing into POF to start a little bit of social contact.  There are some circumstances in my life that won't change, probably can't change, and here I am.  Trying to find my own happiness in the little things, in taking my pictures and sharing them with people. 

One of the things Helen asked me is, if he's that unhappy, why does he stay?  (I can't answer that, but I make assumptions)  This is a world that doesn't carry any stigma against divorce any longer.  Shit happens.  We move on.  Yesterday, he sent a text that said "time to start thinking of a new future".  And frankly, its been close to eight years now since we met. He's been unhappy with things for a long time.  And its been more than 18 months since he told me he loved me.  So my answer back was "No, its time to start taking steps. But you're not ready."  And he didn't text me back after that.  To me, that was telling -- he's not going to leave any time soon, probably never will.   Its so bad for me to stay connected - it keeps me hoping in vain.   Logically, I know I shouldn't be doing this.  If I were stoic, it would be easier.  Time to move on.

I tossed the coins, to see what my answer to that will be:    

41. Reduction

 Finishing matters, proceeding hurriedly. 

Without fault.

Consider diminishing them.

Finishing what one is working on in a hurry, in order to be able to move on. Nothing wrong with that. Perhaps one can diminish the amount of work in some way.

Does that say it all??????

POF MillsWills

A little more in my adventures with POF:

hi. how are you. i'm james. 

Slow chatter, typical start from someone you might assume is shy. We'll see where this goes :)

And the first thing he wants is my yahoo, and an email address to keep in touch. (i don't think so!)

HIM:  "what email address do you have then i will like to meet someone nice on here so we can get to know more from each other"

ME:  thanks, but i'm gonna stick to POF chat for now. :)

Why am i so put off by these kind of guys? 
Maybe the first sign is the lack of punctuation, or proper English.
Am i being a snob about someone who can't type a complete sentence? 
Sometimes I think I am, but at the same time, this is a computer world, we need to know how to communicate, and I need someone on the same levels as I am or I would be bored too quickly. 

And the minute I wouldn't give him my info, he stopped chatting.  Yeah. Uh huh.  Methinks its one of those scammer type guys who get vulnerable women interested -- and then take their money.

Be careful out there, girls!!  No one needs this kind of trouble, and no one should settle for this. There ARE great guys out there, we need to keep believing that.  I know I do!!

Dark Sundays

Three posts in one day. You can see it wasn't my best of days.
Walked the dog twice.
Napped with the dog twice.
Worked in the yard two different times.
and BBQ'd enough meat for the week.

Not a very healthy lifestyle; I know that I need to be more socially active.  But damn its so hard to find people who aren't consumed with their own issues, who like things on a deeper level than going shopping, dining out, or watching movies.  Yes, I know there are great people out there.  And maybe I have a messed up way of thinking.  But why waste their time and your time.......why can't they be you??

No energy to use my brain to get anything done.  I could have logged in some stock statements, bank statements, checked that my bills are being paid on time.  I could have worked on learning some linux, or putting together a trivia bot.

Instead, I spent the day moping.  dragging.  being lazy.  watching TV.  Did ya'll know Lawrence Welk is still on?  I watched an old one from 1980 tonight.  Oh yeah, a swinging time here tonight for sure!

That was my yesterday.  And now its 5am and I am wide awake, and not wanting to do anything already.  What I really need to do is write an email..... but I'm not sure I'm strong enough.  But it comes down to my own sanity, or friendship.  with a man. who isn't strong enough to change things for his own happiness.  And I need someone who can be as strong as I can.

Life's Mission

Have you ever wondered if you've found your Life Mission?  We all have some reason to be where we're at.  But sometimes we're never sure we've found what our place is.  Each of our missions are different.  My friend at work, Helen, is the family caretaker.  She handles many aspects of her husband's care, along with those of his family.  (He's a disabled vet.)  And she knows that's her mission.  And it got me thinking about my own.





I've often said that one of the things I've been good at in my life is helping men become better men.  I think that all three of my ex husbands (yes, three!) were better men after we split up.  (I have always wondered if their current wives would agree with me! lol don't worry, I won't ask)





I've been doing some serious listening with my friend; from his side of the story, he's "stuck" and unhappy.  I've known him for years and I've known for a long time how unhappy he is.  But he doesn't seem ready for any major changes.  When he is, I'll be ready to listen more, and have some advice. Sadly, the one thing I know with ending relationships:  it hurts everyone involved, even the one who wants it to end.

POF RocketMan

POF, or Plenty of Fish in the online dating world, has changed a lot.  Years ago when I separated, I joined to see "whats out there".  And I'm sorry if I'm going to offend some guys but why do so many fall into the "horndog" category??

I created an account yesterday, haven't even uploaded a picture, and today when I logged in I discovered they have "chat" just like on FB.  And I get a chat request from Dave, who tells me he loves big women.  I asked what he liked about big women?  He says they have a big heart, like he does.  Ok.  That's an acceptable answer... Then his next message says "i like big boobs, i like to play with them, do you have big boobs?" .... My answer?  "And... we're done."   He closed the chat really fast.  lmao.

Do men really think that just because we're big girls means we're desperate and will talk to anyone who puts up a half assed conversation before turning it to sex -- and that we like it??? WTF?

Well "RocketMan" here's a little tidbit for you :  NO WAY.  nu uh.  not going there. Give me real conversation, show me there's more to you than a selfish "get me off" attitude.  Your rocket missed the target.  Go find free porn online somewhere else.

Gawds its no wonder I don't date.  Who wants to weed through that BS every time?

However -- I think I'll keep testing the POF waters, it might be good for a few blogging laughs!

Too Much

A phone call and a couple of good chats - a few more insights and a few more lessons learned.  It's been a rocky week, ups and downs are either very high, or very low, am trying hard to maintain when they reach the lows.  The gym yesterday helped.  Two walks with the pup today helped as well.  Too many weird dreams last night, so I didn't sleep well.

Tossed the coins.  My iChing for today:

28. Too Much

Too much.
The roof-beam is sagging.
It is beneficial to have a goal to move to.
Progressing.

Something is too much for this situation. One better make a plan to do something about it, and make it more robust. There is progress.

(No changing lines.)

Overview: Ta Kuo is very much a warning. It tells you that a current situation has gone beyond your control and this may mean withdrawing from the situation completely. Failure to do so will spell disaster. In some cases the situation may be be capable of still being resolved but in most it will not. The damage is already done. However upsetting it may be it is time to cut your losses.

I hate it when it says "there is progress".  Because no there isn't.  Or maybe that it isn't fast enough for me.  Or because I don't see it.  Its not easy being one able to give advice;  but I was doing some reading about 'fixing people' and found that I am "task oriented .. methodical .. and contemplative."  Which means I'm the opposite of a people oriented person.  I like to set a goal, then set down the steps to get there, and start doing them.   That's me.  And its impossible for me to "fix" people oriented types into doing things my way.  We all may have the same ultimate goal, but we go about it in different ways.   It's when we let each of our ways be used in strengths that we become successful as a team, or in a relationship.  I'm glad I found that today; it helps in knowing how to deal with others.

whispering

My heart belonged to you,
my soul and yours were woven together
My love was your love,
you brightened my day when we talked.

Then the truth was revealed
and my days turned dark

time slowed to a halt
a sound like glass shattering
echos back to me in the darkness.

Its only my broken heart
whispering desperately
for the love I lost.

Puddles

My pup, Sadie, likes to play in puddles!  She'll run round n round, back and forth -- you can almost see the smile on her face as she runs!

When it rains here, my backyard doesn't drain, so I get one huge puddle.... no fun :/

Trying to get creative and get it to drain down the side yard, rather than sitting like a duck's puddle here!!



Anyone know anything about using pea gravel for drainage?  I found a 'french drain' but not sure that's exactly what I need.  

Rainy Friday

Finally Friday!  This has been a very long week -- and I'm glad its the weekend.  An entire non-working weekend for me for a change :) :)  It rained here in the Valley of the Sun today, and when I left work I grabbed a bag of popcorn for lunch ---- Bacon Ranch flavored!  It was pretty yummy!  I snacked and drove to Tumbleweed Park, thought I'd check it out for some photo ops.  Found a sculpture called Wall with Waves, by James O'Hara (1985) and a few lovely green trees -- I really like when it rains!

 It was misting, very humid, when I snapped this one

Its beautiful to walk in the rain - lovely path :)

Today

hope you have this kind of day, my friend!!

9/7/12 @ 5am

Thursday's News

With the new puppy, its been hard to get myself over to the gym after working all day, but I finally went today.  I forgot how good it feels to work your muscles.  I got finished just about an hour ago, and my muscles are still zinging from being used (and abused!) and it feels so good!!!

I also usually do a "weigh in wednesday", but missed yesterday,  So I was very pleasantly surprised when I hopped on that scale and it showed a 2 lb loss, totaling 32 lbs from March to Sept. I'm proud of my efforts, but I'm still not finished with me yet!

The rest of my day was ... well, it was a work day, 'nuff said.  I did get a phone call from a friend who needed to unload.  It was a very good convo, and I'm glad I took the time to be there.  We'll see what effects it has on me later.  Hopefully none. 

HUGS to all, need to get some things done!

Its HERE!

 Nothing says "fall" than the start of the football season.  

Yes, I know there are women out there who feel like "football widows" -- 

but I'm not one of them.  

Granted, I'm not a diehard fan who can't take her eyes 

off the screen during a three hour game, 

but I love a good game just the same!!  

  Opening game tonight - Cowboys vs Giants

GO GIANTS!

When it comes to teams, I enjoy following NYGiants, AZCardinals, 

SF49ers, and yeah, Pittsburgh Steelers

on the Pontoon

Brand new country song just reached number one -- Pontoon ! 
Love listening to this at work.  It's like a three minute mini vacation in my head!

Its amazing how a song can evoke a feeling, a memory, take you from your current reality.  This one does it for me.  When I hear it, I can just feel myself out on a lake, floating along.  When I lived in Ohio, we'd head to Hueston Woods and rent a couple of canoes for a couple hours.  There's nothing like floating.  Maybe its something magical about being on the water. 

Have a listen, see where the song takes you:

I cry

I admit it.  I cry.  Or should I say I still cry.  Some days its very difficult to believe that my hopes and dreams are dead again.  That I'll never feel his touch on my skin.  Or hear him whisper my name in the dark.  I have been paying attention to the times when I feel the lowest, and realized that there are two "worst" times for me:  on the drive home from work, and when I crawl into bed.

While I am at work, there are things to keep me focused, busy, no time for dwelling.  But get me into my car for the commute home, and the tears roll.  Maybe because I know that I'm going home to no one; that when I get home, there won't be long conversations with my best friend.  I used to imagine that some day I'd be heading home, and he'd be there.  I'll even be honest and admit that there were two different times when I turned the corner to my street and in front of my house would be parked a big Dodge truck.  Oh how my heart would pound, my breath quicken .... only to realize the truck was black, and belonged to a friend across the street.  *sigh*

It's the same when I crawl into bed, knowing that its just me, I'm alone -- still.  And being afraid that I will be alone for the rest of my days.   People say you're not alone when you have friends; and for the most part, I agree. but there's something to having your own 'someone' who shares all the little details - it would never be quite the same with a friend.  And yes, I still want that.  With the right someone who will be my best friend, who will love me -- and all my faults.


Maybe I cry for what might have been; what could have been terrific.
And maybe I cry because I know that I'm only prolonging the heartache
that will happen when I reach bottom and I have to finally let go.

some days its just plain old feeling sorry for myself and the mess I allowed me to get into.

This too shall pass.

How are you?

When things finally caught up yesterday, and I had a minute to sit down, someone asked, "How are you doing?"  of course, most of us are asked this many times a day.  And if you're like me, the standard answer is "I'm OK."   Yesterday, I answered "I'm ok, I'll survive."  And I realize now that he was making it a joke when he made a comment about the surviving part.  But I got a little peeved, and asked if he wanted to know the real truths:  That I cried yesterday, or that sometimes minutes seem like hours?  And I shouldn't have said anything at all.  I know better, and usually keep a pretty good guard on myself not to let anyone else see that part of me.  And to my friend:  I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have said anything at all.  I'm OK.

And its true:  I will survive.  I've survived lots in my past.  And there will be more things that need to be survived in the future.  That's just how life is.  Relationships last for a while:  a reason, a season, a lifetime.  I think the ones that are hardest to let go are the ones we think are for a lifetime.  Or maybe we hope? dream? that they're for a lifetime.  Sometimes its takes a good hard look at things to know that we're wrong in our thinking.  Or maybe its to admit we're wrong in our thinking.  Either way, when we finally realize the error of our thinking, that's when its time to change something.

Oddly enough, I've been doing the whole pondering thing of changes.  And yet when I tossed some iChing coins yesterday, I got :  "What one is waiting for is still at quite a distance. One better count on it taking quite some time to arrive. There is nothing wrong with doing so."  And I cried.  Not because its "at a distance", but because I thought I was finally letting go. 

Ok, I'm gonna post this -- I've been pondering it all day and its not getting any better. lol My brain must be tired from an extra morning at work.  Hope you all have a terrific week!

Baubles

I'm not much of a shopper.  I don't care to spend hours looking at clothes and wondering if it would be right for me.   lol   Today, after my haircut, I grabbed a few things and slid into the dressing room.  I'm pretty good at knowing what will fit, and what won't.  I grabbed an $8 pair of khaki capri's that I can wear to work.  Yep. Doable.  I grabbed a couple of tops that ... frankly were a size smaller than I used to buy, but they were still too big  (yay!!!!!), but it was too bad, they were both $5. Would have been a steal.  I found another top for $22 - by one of my fav labels.  I knew the moment I looked at it -- right colors, right style.  Slid it on in the dressing room and yep! This one's going home with me! 

On my way to the checkout, I passed a small section of costume jewelry.  Picked up a necklace with colors that go with the top,  metal feather on it.  It'll be a great look.  Then I spotted a bracelet.  I needed something new, of course!! 

Sometimes, its an inexpensive little bauble that gives us that extra lift :)

What's your fav thing to give you that little lift??

Short n`Sassy

When I moved to Arizona, my first summer was hot, and I had long hair.  Its naturally thick anyways, so I found a stylist named Erin.  And she's been fabulous.  I see her every 6-8 weeks for 4 years now.  Most of my cuts are basic trims, liking the same style I've had for a while.  Today was a new day for me.  I let her cut my hair short!  And I love it! 

After the Fire Ceremony last night, I realized that changes aren't going to happen if I don't start on them myself.  This was my first step. 

I also follow a blog of another woman who writes very honestly and open about her own issues.  She's Native American, said this today:  "[My healer] told me that I should strive to be in relationships that make me happy. I can’t blame others for my unhappiness."  And that got me thinking....  how easy is it to blame everything else but ourselves when our lives aren't going the way we hope?  How many of us hang on to relationships that are more harm than good?  She went on to say  "Creating and ending relationships are part of life’s process. Until now I have been one of those ridiculous people who has put love before everything else. I will cling on to a doomed relationship because I love a person. And I can’t do that anymore."

One of the things I have strongly believed in for many years now is the saying that says people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  Knowing which of those a person in your life is helps you to know what needs to be done.  So check your "reason, season, lifetime" scale .... :)